On a more positive note...

I've had my cd3 baseline and my first monitoring appt. (a bit of WTFness in there that I'll get to in a bit) and my lining went from 2.8 to a 7 in only 3 days! This wonderful news because it means I can ditch the calorie packed nastiness that is %100 pomegranate juice. I had a number of antral follies on cd3 and I had few 7-8mm on cd6 but nothing dominant yet. I will go in tomorrow for my next appointment.

So on to the WTF part. If anyone has been super attentive to my TTC timeline and my protocol for this cycle, you probably noticed it has changed several times. Originally the RN told me they'd put me on Follistim. Ok, no surprise, I've heard of it and that is what I figured I'd be on. Cd1 I call and they've talked to my insurance/pharmacy and they only cover Gonal-F. Still no big deal, if it saves me a ton and works just as well, fine by me. Then we get to cd3 baseline, where I saw one of the 4 REs in the practice (but not mine since she's still on vacation) and he asks if I'm comfortable with my meds. I say yes but I don't know when to take it and I don't have it yet. Um....yeah...someone forgot to order it. So they fumble around and come up with enough samples of Bravelle to cover me for this cycle. Thank god I took one Bravelle booster shot and an injectables consult last cycle because otherwise I would have felt totally lost only having an internet video as a guide.

My appointment yesterday was with my RE and she was able to answer a few of R's questions about our chances (he likes statistics). The last week or so I've been telling him we are moving to IUI this cycle (and asked him repeatedly if he felt ready for it)....well, after our appt. he goes "so what do you mean 'insemination'..I have to put my boys in a cup again?" Sigh. Yes, sweetheart...that is what I've been saying all along. Denial is a powerful thing. Of course I reitterated that we could just do TI if he wasn't ready, but he said whatever will give us our best chance.

MIL knows..

...about our TTTC problems now. She noticed how upset I was after SILs announcement and basically asked straight out the next day if we were having problems. I couldn't lie to her face (and of course I started to tear up again) so I told her we were having trouble getting pregnant. She then said it took her 4.5 years to get pregnant, so for a second I thought...wow...she really does understand. Then she bestowed this wonderful piece of wisdom on me; we will get pregnant if we......wait for it.....you ready?....."just relax".

That is when I remembered that a) MIL didn't want children at all when she got married and b) she was 18 when she got married and had her oldest at 23, so yeah, I doubt she ever really TTC. WTFever.

Younger SIL is pregnant.

The announcement is just like a nightmare playing over and over. This possibility occurred to me a few weeks ago, but obviously I missed someone when I did my "who's drinking" check Christmas eve. We made it through opening almost all gifts (which included opening an obscene number of kid gifts first for older SIL's two, as well as some snide comments toward us non-parents about christmas being all about kids)...then one of my younger SILs (R has twin sisters) said she had one more gift from MIL. She stood up and held up this Tshirt that said we're having a baby. I hope no one saw my face at first because it was absolute shock and dread. My first thought was "is it ok to run now?" "do I have to say something?" "fuck, can I choke out congrats before running to the other room?" I managed to hang back, give a quick congrats, grab my wine glass, run upstairs to the main level and lock myself in the bathroom where I cried until R came up to console me. I will say he is trying so hard to be completely wonderful and understanding, but this killed my whole Christmas. It's right up there with the year I came home from college with a 102 fever and slept through most of Christmas...Actually, no, this is worse. At least then everyone knew what it was like to feel like shit. R's family has no clue we are having trouble at all (his sisters don't even know I had surgery). What I am going to do? Call my poor mother and make her feel horrible for me? R asked if I wanted to talk about it on the way home but I don't know how to explain it without sounding hateful. Once we were home I think I expressed my thought best by telling him that it didn't seem fair that SIL's husband was going to get to be a father before he (R) was, because SIL's husband would be a mediocre father at best and R would be an awesome one.

Beta was negative

I knew it would be, but I guess I was still clinging to hope. First time I've cried over a BFN. And of course I'm at work. This blows.

Rather Irritated.

So I did cave and POAS this morning and like I expected, one sad little line. I have no clue what my protocol for next cycle is, so I called my RE only to find on she is on vacation until the 29th. The receptionist said she'd have a nurse practitioner call me back, but I'm not so thrilled with starting a new protocol without my RE. Originally I was going to take a break this month, but R and I bought a house and will be moving mid Feb, so I think that will be our break. The new house is also farther away from my RE's office, so I was thinking we might as well do IUI now. I really don't want to wait until March. Again, I wish I could talk to my dr. about it. So frustrating.

******

The nurse called back and wasn't very helpful. She said this past cycle wasn't a bad one, but she didn't have much advice as to whether we should repeat it or move to full injectables. My beta was moved to tomorrow. I think I'm going to stop the progesterone then and just hope for the best as far as AF and Christmas go.

11dpo and giant temp drop.

98.6 down to 97.73. I don't think that is supposed to happen while on Progesterone so I guess that means I'm really screwed. So needless to say, I did not test this morning and probably won't bother at all unless it goes back up. I did find one or two charts on fertilityfriend that have implantation dips that big (for a clomid cycle and on progesterone), but their dips are around 7-8dpo, not 11. If AF shows before I stop these pills I'll be really pissed. I haven't discussed next cycle with R or my RE, I do not want to throw that in with the rest of the pre-Christmas madness.

Halfway there.

My beta is in a week. Nothing exciting to report TTC wise. I don't really have any symptoms at 8dpo. Endometrin is the devil though. Not only did it make me horribly dizzy the first two days and sporadically dizzy thereafter, it requires me to where a pad non-stop (think monostat only with delayed leakage). Fun times.

In other news, R and I are buying a house. We signed the papers and went under contract last night. So at least I have something that will take my mind off the rest of this 2ww (and whatever the next few months may bring).

Triggering tonight!

I trigger tonight between 6 and 8pm, we sex it up the next 3 nights (including tonight), I start the Endometrin on Wednesday and my very first beta is Wednesday the 23rd.

The more you know...

I had my 3rd monitoring appt. this morning and I am fairly confident I will be triggering tonight, because I've had a ton of EWCM and an almost pos. OPK yesterday. So this u/s showed my lining was still around 6.8, so chances are I was wrong last appt. (it must have been 5.8 or something) because when I asked if it was still too thin, the tech said no, they usually like to see it around a 6 or a 7 (I was thinking they wanted at least an 8). So I am right where I need to be!

My left follie was 21 x 24mm and looked huuuge, and a little lumpy too (which also makes me think I'm about to O, though I have no medical opinion to back that part of the theory up). There was some fluid in my uterus, but the tech said that didn't mean we'd missed the fertile window.

getting there

I had to go in for my 2nd monitoring appt. this morning. I gave myself (well, R did the injection part after my attempt failed) the Bravelle last night. It wasn't too bad, but it was pretty sore for about 15 minutes.
My lining has increased to 6.88, which the doctor said was fine because I was still really early (she was looking at my right ovary) then she moved to the left and had the same surprised reaction as the tech yesterday because my left follie is now at 19mm. She said that is fine and they like to see it get a little bigger before triggering. So as long as I am not starting to surge on my own yet, everything should be good.

cd10 monitoring, take 2.

So I took 25mg Clomid cd3-7 and that must have given me a jump start because even though it was lower dose I'm already close to where I was on my 3rd monitoring appt. last cycle (which was cd14). My right ovary had a follie that was 9x13mm, so I think they would round that to about an 11, but then she checked my left side and found an even bigger one at 15mm. That bad news is that my lining is still a little thin, but seeing as how it is 4.6-4.9 on cd10 compared that same thickness cd14 last cycle I am not too discouraged yet. I will give myself the Bravelle tonight and hopefully that will help quickly because with that big a follie I should be triggering in the next 3 or 4 days.

I'm breaking...

Again. But what I wouldn't give to go back to the last time I broke down, thinking this was too much. God, looking back that was so easy compared to now. R is out of town until Tuesday. I usually do pretty well on my own, always have. Lately though, little things trigger huge meltdowns. There was a BFP announcement on one of the boards today from someone who has been trying around a year. I cried. That's right, I cried over someone who really deserves it because they haven't had to go through the full IF testing. I am not that person. I wish I had someone to share this with IRL. My mother knows, and she was so sweet after this failed cycle, offering to go out to lunch and talk, but she doesn't fully get it(and she's admitted that)....she had one clomid cycle for successful pregnancy #3.

I went out to lunch today with a very close friend (lives out of town now)I've had since kindergarten and I couldn't say a word about any of it, not even just the surgery part. I knew I would just fall apart or come across as an obsessive freak (to the non TTCer).

I rely greatly on message boards for support, but that is somewhat by choice. I have friends that will listen. Hell, I have one friend that has gone out of her way to reach out to me since I did finally let my close friends in on my surgery, but none really know about the TTC part. I really need a shoulder to cry on (other than R, I love him, but men don't fully get it no matter how hard they try). Yeah, I could call my friend bawling my eyes out and she'd be so freaked she'd think I had terminal cancer, but in the long run I'd be no closer to a BFP. Truth is, I'm actually avoiding her offer to hang this weekend, because I don't know how to talk about some of it, to a good friend, without talking about all of it. I know I could tell all and she wouldn't say anything, but then, I'm getting pity for surgery, I can't handle pity for pregnancy FAILs. So for now, I am, somewhat by choice, while wishing otherwise, completely alone.

spotting

AF is being a nasty bitch this cycle. I had very light spotting this morning. Then it stopped until about 10:30 when it came back as almost light flow, but didn't last long enough to convince me. So now I just have heavy spotting, but too light to confirm cd1 and call in to schedule cd3 appts. Goddamnit.

A Daily Thought...

got this as part of an email and it made me laugh (yes, in case you haven't figured it out, I have a twisted sense of humor at times, no I wouldn't actually do this).

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

I think I am going to start handing out Slinkie awards to stupid/insensitive posts on the boards.

14dpo

AF isn't here yet, but I've had some signs today (guess that surgery didn't quite clear up the AF related intestinal troubles). With the exception of one crazy long LP, I am "late" by at least 1 day now. I haven't posted for fear of jinxing myself, so maybe if I just save this as draft for now and post later....



So yesterday I wasn't feeling well and I talked to R on the phone and when he asked if I was ok I could tell it he assumed AF was had made her appearance and was asking more about my emotional state than my physical one. I thought that was very sweet. Earlier this evening I had some cramping and mentioned it. A little while later he asked if AF had started, when I said no, his response was good, I hope she never does. I know he must of had hope for previous cycles but I feel like this is the first one we've really shared that "what if?" (despite the BFNs).



Sadly, the signs I've had today point to her arriving tomorrow or on Thanksgiving.

98.2

Fuck. That is a big drop from yesterday's temp. Thing is though, I have no clue if it's accurate. After the BFN yesterday morning, I shrugged it off and had a blast last night. We went out to dinner with friends and then to see Steven Lynch. If you don't know who he is, check him out on youtube, he's awesome (unless you are one of those politically correct overly sensitive types, in which case you may to crawl back into the bubble you came out of). So needless to say after a late night involving martinis, wine and laughing my ass off, I woke up still drunk. Yep, that's right, I don't know if my temperature actually dropped or if I temped with the thermometer next to me on the pillow rather than in my mouth. Oh, I should clarify....when I said woke up....that was around 10....I'm not counting my 6am temp time as waking up at all.

Also, I think my chart is possessed...because it looks just like my chart from May. Creepy.

BFN, so protocol for next cycle

So I tested this morning and got a BFN. I don't know why I let myself think I even had a chance. Yeah, I'm not out until AF shows, but she should be here tomorrow or Monday, unless my body pulls a nasty trick and gives me a 16 day LP, like last march. I guess I did a decent job of not getting my hopes up though. I felt absolutely nothing, just blank, when I stared at that stark white spot where the second line should be.

So I had my P4 b/w and my consult for next cycle on Wednesday. My progesterone was good on its own, about 14, so at least I have no issues there. I had talked to my RE a week ago and explained that I wasn't ready to move to a full injectable cycle. The nurse had previously given me the impression that I could try alternatives to Clomid, such as Femara. Unluckily, my RE said that their practice has chosen to stop using Femara because of the association with birth defects. She said that I could try Tomoxifen, but they don't use it as often and the results aren't as high.
After re-expressing concerns about costs and increased monitoring for injectables, she suggested I try 25mg of Clomid cd 3-7 (instead of 5-9) and they will give me a free sample of Bravelle, which I will take as a booster shot on cd10. This should help give my lining a chance to thicken up before trigger.

So that is where we are, waiting for AF. And that is something else that is messing with my head. I have no pre-AF symptoms....no intestinal trouble, no stabbing pains (well, there was one moment at 7dpo where I stood up and felt like I'd been struck across the stomach with a bat), basically nothing that tells me she is coming. I assume these horrid symptoms were "cured" by the removal of the endo, but I have to wonder.

WTF is wrong with people?

A new person introduced themselves today on one of the boards I frequent. In her intro was this:

i've been trying for about 2 years but my husband just jumped on board about 3 months ago....

yeah....you read that right, she has been on the baby wagon for 2 damn years but just managed to talk her husband into agreement recently. So how, you might ask, does that work? We've all heard the jokes about holes in condoms or seen the Lifetime movies where the wife secretly stops her BCP, but this takes the cake:

i've been off b/c for 5 years now and have always been using the pull out method. i've been ready for a baby since the day i was born so waiting so long was killing me! i researched everything about getting pregnant, pregnancy, ect. on every website known to the WWW. i would count the days of my cycle, check my cm and even tried taking my bbt (on the dl) and would pounce on my husband the days i believed i was most fertile....using the pull out method, i'd prayed for pre-ejaculate to do the trick.

So this nutjob did everything possible to deceive her husband (well, aside from collecting sperm from used condoms and injecting it herself). I am surprised she didn't try locking her legs around him. But then of course he'd know, I mean, she must of had her "it was an accident" speech all planned out.

Anyone seen the movie Idiocracy? Some days I truly believe that is an accurate portrayal of the future of humanity.

the 2ww begins

My temp shot way up today, so my chart says I am now 3dpo, but I am thinking I may have Od yesterday. My last positive OPK was the darkest of all of them, so if I was ovulating that same day I doubt that would be the case. In the past I have always Od the day after the OPKs go back to negative. Either way our timing is good. As another poster on the GP board said, at least my lining had a little extra time to thicken up. Now I get to cling to false hope for the next two weeks.

Well I feel awful

So on one of the boards I frequent, the topic of finding old ex-bfs (and seeing how poorly they've aged)on facebook came up. So I decided to look up this one guy I dated in college. He was a total player and to this day I am sure he cheated on me toward the end of our relationship. Last I'd talked to him was shortly before my wedding, he had already been married a year. So when I saw a completely different wife on FB, I smugly assumed he cheated on the first one and remarried in all of a year and a half. So I googled his first wife to see if I was right. That is when I found her pregnancy blog...the final entry written by her sister, notifying everyone of her and her infant daughter's passing. She died 6 months pregnant from a blood clot in the summer of 2008.

Obviously this has nothing at all to do with me, we barely kept in touch after we graduated. I remember after we broke up, wishing that someone would do to him what he did to me, i.e. insufferable heartbreak (back then I thought my heart was broken). This wasn't what I had in mind when I wished he'd be left by the love of his life one day. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.

skipping endometrin

The nurse just called me back and my RE doesn't see the need for it this cycle (I agree). I will go in next Wednesday for b/w to check my progesterone levels on their own, which will be good to know. She did mention injectables for next cycle again, and I said I wasn't really ready to move on to that yet and I asked about Femara. I was very pleased to hear that they do use it occasionally and while the pregnancy rates aren't as high as injects. (duh...neither is Clomid) that is a possibility. So she is going to set up a phone meeting with my RE for Thursday around 2.

She didn't say anything about my urinalysis results, and I didn't ask because I am feeling better. I didn't eat anything most of yesterday...drank the pom juice in the morning and then just water until dinner. Well, I am now convinced it was the pom juice because after I did eat, the ab. and back pain were just horrendous. So I skipped the juice this morning, just sipped water and finally ate some lunch around 2 and I feel fine. I'll do another trial run with pom juice in a few days just to see if I'm right.

Trigger was cancelled.

My lining is too thin to bother. I am surging on my own anyway (which is good) so we can still try without the Ovidrel. My RE will call tomorrow to let me know if I should take the Endometrim or not. If I don't, I think I will go in about a week after O to see where my progesterone is on its own. They will still bring me in for beta levels after two weeks, but I don't have much hope. This sucks.

Or not.

My lining is still at only 5mm. My LH surge has started though, and my right follie is a little above 19mm, and the left is around 12mm. The nurse is going to talk with my RE and let me know if I should still trigger tonight. I really hope I can. I've had b/w 3 days in a row now in the same arm. I'm starting to look like some kind of junkie (thank god it isn't summer so I can cover my bruises).

I also mentioned my abdominal pain and gave a urine sample in case I do have a bladder infection. I think my body just hates pure pomegranate juice.

Triggering tomorrow!

So I had more b/w this morning. The tech tried 3 times to find a vein, even tried my hand (horribly painful) and finally went back to the same spot as yesterday, which is now a bruised mess. The nurse called me back a few hours later and said to trigger tonight. I expressed my concern over the size of my follies and she said they should have enough time to grow but that my lining was a concern. She started to arrange for me to go back in for a u/s today, but since we aren't doing an IUI she felt we could push the trigger to tomorrow so we can get one last look tomorrow morning.

I think I have been drinking too much liquid lately, or maybe downing it too quickly. I started pomegranate juice yesterday...adding on to my two glasses of green tea and as much water as possible. Last night my abdomen seemed sore and I got an achy feeling after going to the bathroom. I am starting to worry I am getting some kind of bladder infection. I am going to mention it to the nurse tomorrow and call my reg. doctor if it still bothers me. I really hope this doesn't screw up my cycle.

3rd monitoring appt., pointless

They should have given me a few more days. My right ovary clearly has the dominant follicle overall, at 16mm. The left side has slowed down and she only bothered to measure one at around 11-12mm. My lining is still on the thin side, around 4.95. The nurse said it was still early and it could thicken up in the next few days. If it doesn't, and I don't get pregnant this cycle, she said the RE may want me to move to injectables next cycle. I've heard that drinking %100 pomegranate juice can help thicken it....probably too late now but maybe I'll try to find that and chug it for the next few days.

They will call me later to let me know if I have to come back in tomorrow or if I can wait until Monday.

******
I have to go in tomorrow at 8am for b/w only. Ugh.

2nd appt. - still a no go

cd12 and not a whole lot of progress. The follie on my right ovary grew a bit though. This time the nurse told me it was about 12mm (up from what I think was 8mm 2 days ago). The one on my left ovary either did nothing or I was wrong about the size last time, because she just said I have two smaller ones on my left. One was about 10mm and the other 8mm.

My lining was still fairly thin (I think the number on the screen was a little over 4mm?). I asked the nurse if there was anything I could do to help it and she said no, it was just too early in my cycle and it should thicken on its own. I had more bloodwork from the same poor vein they used last time (she couldn't find a good on my right arm) and they will call me to let me know when to come back in. The nurse said she thought they'd be able to give me a few days break before coming back....so maybe Monday?

*************
Nope, next appt. will be Saturday at 8am.

FFS, go to the 1st trimester board already

As I've mentioned before, I often post on a message board about getting pregnant. Many posters have been there a long time and will continue to hang around after getting their BFPs to support their internet buddies. Recently, I've noticed a different trend, and it is making me quite stabby. If I see one more newbie get their BFP after a month or two and then continue to "stay" on GP (Getting Pregnant) I am going to loose it. I don't care how much you post in one freaking month you have to be deranged to be unable to move on to first tri. Seriously, it is an internet message board, what kind of unhealthy attachment have you formed that you can't move on with the rest of the successful pregnancy people? It isn't like you've been chatting with us for months or in some cases, years. Honestly, you tried for one month (maybe two)...no one cares enough for you to stay. Run along and play with your other lucky little newbie friends. And please, don't thank the regulars/long timers for "handling" other newbie posts. All you've handled is getting KU on the first try. Go the F away. I don't want to see your ticker day in and day out. God I feel like such a bitch today...I thought about not posting this, I really did..... F it, I'm in a pissed off mood and I don't care who sees it.

1st monitoring appt.

Not so good. I am only cd10 but my lining is still pretty thin. I have one follie on my right ovary that I think was around 8mm (she didn't tell me I just watched her measure on the screen) and one on my left ovary that was around 11mm. The nurse said this will probably just be a longer cycle. WTF. I ovulate on my own around cd21 anyway, if I took drugs to achieve the same thing I'll be pissed.

And naturally I left my cell phone at home, so I had to call the RE's office and give them my work line. Thankfully I talked to a nurse rather than a machine, so I know they got the info. They will call back sometime today and let me know when I go back in. I was really hoping to trigger by this weekend. cd21 is right in the middle of a weekend that R will be out of town. I have to ovulate sooner than that.

**************
Update: the nurse called back and said they want to see me back on Thursday....so hopefully that means they expect some decent growth in that amount of time.

My new routine

...for bedtime anyway.
Take Clomid at 10:30 and attempt to get to sleep ASAP.
11 - 11:30: first hot flashes show up, begin night time "shifting"
11:30-?: Sleep on side until too hot, shift to my back and make sure arms and legs are not covered by blankets....15 minutes later start freezing, shift back to side and cover up....30-45 sleep...repeat.
3am and later: finally sleep...so soundly that I sleep through my diabetic cat's meowing episode and R wakes up to test his sugars (he was fine and I am proud of R).

Honestly, it could be worse. As R said, it is just good practice for our future baby. It is really screwing with my temps though...between that and daylight savings my temp was 98.46 (and no, I didn't have anything to drink at all) this morning. The other odd thing? Frequent urination....I must have gotten up to pee at least 4 times last night and several times this morning.

So tired

I took my first Clomid pill last night around 10:30 and went to bed shortly thereafter. I've heard that taking it at night helps because you sleep through the worst side effects. Well, that is great if you can stay asleep. R came in around 11:30, so that woke me up, and from there out it just went downhill. I don't think I got more than a hour solid sleep the whole night. The closest thing I can compare it to was sleeping while on painkillers or coming out of anesthesia (well maybe that later one is because one of my dreams was about that). The whole night was just semi-asleep but not really. I just couldn't get comfortable and I was either too hot or too cold.

Hopefully tonight will go better, at least I can sleep in tomorrow.

::faints::

I just opened my latest insurance summary for my surgery.

Looked it over since my HSG didn't have the prior authorization go through in time for billing, it reads:

YOU SAVED: $16,597.19

AF is here.

Naturally she arrived in the middle of the 1.5 hr church service we had to attend for R's nephew's baptism yesterday. I was prepared, but not for a service that long. I finally had to just get up and leave 10 minutes before it was over and make a mad dash for ladies room. Lets just say the RE was very, very wrong about it being lighter. The good news is I had no cramps or pain.

My Clomid consult was this morning. Most of it covered stuff I already knew. I will be starting out on 50mg of Clomid cd5-9 and my first monitoring appointment with be on 11/3, which will be cd10. I had my baseline b/w and ultrasound to today, and it really hit me that I'm about to become a human pin cushion for all this. If I'm lucky I won't need back to back b/w for monitoring, but it is possible depending on what they see/how I progress. I have tiny veins and even with switching arms, I don't see this working well.

So once they have decent sized dominant follicles, I will give myself an injection, Ovidrel, that will trigger ovulation within the next 24-36 hours. After ovulation I will be taking progesterone suppositories twice a day and will need to do this all the way through my 1st trimester. That part I was not expecting. Yuck.

Oh shit.

I had my stitches out at my appt. , and when I was typing up my last entry, I noticed that my one incision looked odd. It looked as though the skin around it had swelled, so the actual incision seemed "sunken". Fast forward an hour or so, I looked again and the god damn thing is clearly starting to open back up! So I called my RE's office, got the after hours service, who said they send out a page to a doctor and get back to me. AHHHH! This sucks. I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee in high school and the same thing happened but the fucking thing opened all the way up. I have dealt with painful extra scar tissue ever since.

*****************

Update - the doctor did get back to me last night and said it should be fine, but if the skin became bright red, it started to hurt or if I developed a fever to call. So I stuck some butterfly bandages on it and hopefully I won't have a big scar.

Post OP appointment

So it looks like R did a somewhat decent job of remembering what my RE said after surgery. I was officially diagnosed with Stage I endometriosis, although she did say it was "everywhere". I got to see pictures from the surgery, which were pretty cool since I actually got to see the endo she was talking about (looked like little blood blisters). She went over my Hysteroscopy first and said that in addition to the known septum, she also found tiny polyps at the entrance of both my tubes. These were removed and the pathology report came back as benign (glad I never knew they were even running one, less to worry about). I asked if these could be the cause for our troubles and she said they might have been contributing to it, but they would have sealed off my tubes entirely if they had continued to grow.

I did ask about the suspected endometrioma and she said it was most likely a temporary cyst that formed when blood became trapped in the corpus luteum. There was nothing externally visible during the surgery and she said they don't like to go into the ovary for something that small. She didn't seem concerned and said if it returns they will just keep an eye on it.

So on Monday we have our Clomid consult. The RE said it was up to us whether we wanted to proceed with just Clomid or move right into an IUI cycle. Since my insurance only covers one IUI cycle, we are going with Clomid first. Also on that note, R said enrollment for his insurance is Oct. 31. Fuck. I thought it was in January, which meant if we exhausted my insurance coverage, we could look into his and if need be, start injectables in the new year. Now, I'm left to either switching without it being necessary yet, or being up shit creek later. I guess the first step is finding out what his insurance does cover.

Back to the Clomid. I forgot my BCP last night, but I figured my RE would say it is ok to stop them (which she did) so now we wait for AF. I am hoping she'll arrive tomorrow, since then they could do my baseline monitoring at my consult. I did ask if she knew whether AF was generally worse after a hysto (since my post sono/HSG AF was near crippling) and she said it should be lighter since everything is already cleaned out, so that was a huge relief. Then she said post clomid AFs were generally worse, so lets hope I never have to find out.

Dear pregnant board poster...

It is fine if you wish to remain on a board about getting pregnant after you have already done so. I understand wanting to stay with people you know. It is NOT, however, okay to bitch about your symptoms. The rest of us would love to in your shoes right now, and your whining just pisses me off. I realize morning sickness probably sucks for many people, so I can see a comment here and there or if someone asks. Multiple posts in a matter of hours (and joining in on a non-pregnant pity party? so not cool) is straight up inconsiderate. Move on to the 1st trimester board with the rest of the harpies that got KU on their first try and don't fully appreciate their situation. Or stay, and learn to STFU about some things.

Thank you.

getting better

Nothing exciting to report here. This morning I wasn't nearly as stiff/sore as I was the past two mornings. Yesterday I took the bandages off and took a shower. There is some bruising but it looks as though scarring should be minimal (only that fourth spot would ever be visible anyway). My mobility is considerably better, with the exception of bending and/or reaching my legs/feet. R still had to assist me with getting dressed. The other thing I can't do is laugh. Obviously I can, but it hurts way too much. So no funny movies for me. :(

Recovery day 1

I will probably condense these recovery posts eventually, but right now I figure I just write how I am feeling as I go so it is fresh in my mind. Right now I am actually feeling ok. I have propped myself up on the sofa (sort of half sitting up with my legs up) while I ate a little soup and took another percocet. I did the same thing last night long enough to eat a little soup for dinner, but otherwise I have been laying as flat on my back as possible to keep the trapped air from traveling upward and it seems to help my incision pain too. Until recently, the pain pills werent' even touching my pain (or maybe they were and I would've been near dead without them).

Many Lap experiences I've read say the trapped air is much worse than the incision pain. Well, those people must have been high as a fucking kite the whole time because these things hurt like a bitch. I have one in my belly button (most painful) on right above the pubic mound, one directly inside my right hip bone (second most painful) and one slight above that to the right of my belly button. I think laying flat has successfully kept the gas pain from being too bad. I got that suggestion from the comments left here....all very helpful.

surgery is done!

There was some screw up with the schedule, so they called me, we rushed in and I was in surgery all within a half an hour. It was kind of a crazy rush of nurses, I saw my RE and the anesthesiologist briefly while my IV was started. I have heard mixed things, but I did walk into the OR myself (IV was only saline at this point). I remember counting back from 10 on the table and the next thing I remember was waking up and asking what happened.

Unluckily, my RE spoke to H in the waiting room without me present, so despite my written questions to ask I don't have great answers. The good news is that it wasn't as bad as they expected, so "mild" endo. I do have four incisions though. They didn't remove the cyst because according to H, it wasn't there (yeah, not sure about that one). They did remove some from my tubes and 4 spots from the outside of my uterus. Several of the frimbia (finger like thing on the end of the fallopian tubes) were fused together on my right side, so they fixed that.

The hysteroscopy did reveal that my septum was much larger than they thought. It extended 1/3 of the way into my uterine cavity but they were able to remove it.

Recovery room wasn't too bad, I woke feeling like I had bronchitis my throat was so sore. They did give me ice chips which helped a little. I am almost positive I first woke up when they were moving me from the op table to a gurney (hence my what happened questions...I was still staring at the same lights as before). My initial pain wasn't too bad but after a little while it felt like I was being stabbed...whatever the first nurse gave did jack sh!t, but the second nurse that checked on me gave something that worked. I was able to go to bathroom (with assistance, R was very good about helping change everything) and get checked out. Sadly, that is wearing off already so am going to try to take a nap.

Bottoms up!

I am home from work and doing my best to down this magnesium citrate stuff. I thought it would be thick like cough syrup, but it isn't at all. It has weird sweet but bitter taste to it, and a tingly effect almost as though it was carbonated.

Anyway, I started my lovely liquid diet at noon with beef broth for lunch. (oh, and I like to give a big FU to someone in the adjoining office space on our floor....what is really necessary to ensure the whole floor smelled like cheeseburgers and french fries? did you run around and wave it in circles...because that is what is smelled like.) I am not hungry, but all I can think about is food.

So....surgery tomorrow at 2:30. At this point I have to be there at 1:30, they will call if prior surgeries move faster and mine gets bumped up. I'm not nervous yet, thanks to the wealth of info I've found through blogs and the web, I think I am pretty well prepared. I have:

-popsicles and Italian ice in the freezer in case of sore throat from intubation

-super comfy pants (these ones from Old Navy are fabulous)

-a book to read in case I need to something do while I wait to go in

-various movies scouted out on On Demand

-USB keyboard and mouse so I can blog and post comfortably without lifting my clunky laptop

-some relatively mindless work that can be done remotely if I get too bored before being fully ready to go into the office

And now I'm off to make R a cheat sheet with questions to ask the RE post surgery in case I am not fully cognisant at that point.

Huh

Last night I fell asleep watching Baby Mama and woke up watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre...what kind of message is that? (and what deranged person put those two next to each other in the lineup)

BCPs suck balls

***TMI warning***
I've been on these things 11 days so far and I think I've experienced every side effect in the stupid little booklet they came with. Last Friday I didn't feel well after lunch, so much so that I turned down a happy hour invite (that was a first for me). At first I thought maybe it was fluke and I just had a few "off" days. Tuesday I made the mistake of eating chili for lunch, but I was fine most of the day. Dinner was another story, I ended up trying to eat some mac & cheese and spent the remainder of the evening running between the couch and the bathroom. Wednesday I didn't eat or drink anything until dinner. Yesterday I stuck with juice and water during the day and seemed to be getting better. Today, after suffering from nausea all morning, I figured maybe I needed food, so I go to my usual Friday lunch spot, get my favorite soup like always...and I have reached the conclusion that I just CAN'T EAT AT ALL. My insides feel like crap. I know this can't be endo side effects, they aren't this consistent. At least I don't have to worry about water retention...I can't "retain" anything. TGIF.

pre-OP appointment

Have I mentioned that when I go to my RE's office from work I have to drive by the 3 Maternity ward signs at the hospital? Half the time I don't notice, but some days they almost make me cry. Yesterday was one of those days.

Anyway, most of the pre-OP covered stuff I've already learned through message boards & blogs. My RE did tell me that she wants me to do a bowel prep beforehand. Not everyone has to do this for Lap surgery, just those where there is a likelier possibility of severe endo. The bowel prep will reduce the chance of injury if endo needs to be removed from the intestine area. So...in addition to no food or water from midnight until my 2:30 surgery, I get a liquid diet from lunch onward the day before. Sadly, I doubt that includes martinis. Awesome.

The day of surgery I will need to show up one hour prior to the procedure. Some time between now and then the anesthesiologist (I spelled that right on the first try...aren't you impressed?) will call me and go over medical history. I will be intubated, but I made sure to ask, and everything goes in and comes out while I am under (except for the IV of course). The surgery itself should take about 1.5 hrs, and recovery/waking up is about the same time. I also asked what I'll know before leaving and she said they will tell us everything they find while I'm in recovery. I most likely won't remember any of it, so I will be sure to make R write it down. The RE gave me a script for Percocet, but she said she has had some patients that never need them, so I should take advil and wait until I really need the hard stuff. Yeah....I'll happily be popping the percs that first day thank you very much.

One last thing, after we left I looked over my paperwork and it specifically says no nail polish. I've heard this before, but does anyone know why you can't have nail polish on during surgery?

Surgery is scheduled!

Oct. 14 at 2:30 (tentative time). My pre-op is this Thursday because the following week is transfer week and my RE is booked. Post-op will be Oct. 23 where we will go over the next steps.

I can't catch a break...

I almost broke down at work on friday. Mostly work related with endless deadlines piling up and/or getting moved (always forward of course, never back), but also not knowing when this surgery is going to be. I finally left a message for the coordinator this morning, naturally her voicemail says she'll try to return calls within 2 business days.

On Saturday R's best friend came up from DC for the weekend, so I had been looking forward to hanging out with them and joining them for dinner, but his friend wanted to go to some disgusting BBQ place where everything was fried and gooey (seriously, I think they fried the salads too) so I opted out and hung out by myself.

On Sunday, R went with said friend and a few others to a NASCAR race. I hate nascar and I just don't get it. My cats are too intelligent to watch something go in circles for hours on end. Anyway, it poured most of Sunday morning, so I entertained myself by making a huge batch of chili, figuring R would be hungry when he got home. Around 6:30 or so I get a call that everyone around them is stuck in the mud and they can't get R's truck out until the other idiots free up whatever POS cars they stupidly chose to drive onto a muddy field. I said whatever and hung up. I ate dinner alone and tried to find something to watch but every damn show had a pregnant woman on it (did you know Pam from the Office is KU now too? guess her wedding wasn't a fun enough plot line).

R finally came home close to 11 and made all kinds of racket outside (apparently the neighbor was peeing in our driveway or something...WTF). I suppose it is better that I got a BFN yesterday, because I would have been piiiiisssed if I had to wait all day while his brain cells dwindled at nascar to tell him.

So yeah, BFN at 11 dpo, a rather low temp this morning considering I was more or less awake from 4am until temp time, but no AF yet. I feel like shit today too, like I do when I'm starting a particularly bad AF, only without the cramps. Just nausea, hot flashes and dizziness. This better not be the flu.

Got my flu shot.

The first time since I was little. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Not a whole lot more painful than my depo shots used to be, just burns quite a bit longer. I debated whether to go and get it this week or wait. Somehow I felt like if I got it now I would jinx myself out of a BFP because I'd be prepared for it. I know, silly. I decided to get it this morning because I had an unbusy moment at work, and I knew I wouldn't want to be dealing with that + BCPs + AF next week.

Speaking of BCPs, I am also debating when I should fill the script for that. If I do it now, Murphy's Law will step in, AF won't show and I'll be out the money, right? Wouldn't that be nice. Or I could wait, but then AF would surely show a day early and I wouldn't be able to start them until cd2.

7dpo...AF is due monday. I guess I have been lucky in that when the suckiness that is AF shows, it has been close the end of week so I don't have to suffer at work. Starting on a Monday really blows.

Can we fast forward a week?

I've never been good about being patient in the 2ww, but this is killing me. I am only 5dpo and I am already recording every little sign/symptom, which in the end I know could mean nothing. By next monday I will know whether I will be headed for surgery or my 1st trimester. God, I hope it is the second one. It will take all the willpower I have not to start POAS at 8dpo.

RE consult

Nothing too surprising, I will need surgery if this isn't my BFP cycle. All my bloodwork came back fine (so did H's) and apparently I have awesome cholestorol levels. My FSH level was 6.3, which is good (apparently 10-12 is considered not so good).

She explained that while my septum is small (incomplete septum), they normally do a hysteroscopy at the same time as the laparoscopy surgery so they will remove it anyway.

So once AF shows, I will start BCPs to keep my lining to a minimum (no way around that...boo), but luckily I don't have to be on them very long if I can get surgery scheduled quickly. So best case scenario I will only have to be on them 3 weeks and stopping them should jumpstart a new cycle...that is only missing half of my normal cycles!

The plan right now will be to start Clomid the cycle after the surgery. I will meet with her one week post-op to discuss if the results require something more agressive.

Oh, I was hugely relieved that if this is our BFP cycle, the septum is not a huge risk (unless the embryo implants on it of course).

Surprisingly calm now.

I really thought I'd be a mess this whole week. Aside from a few freakouts, I have managed to not worry too much about tomorrow's appointment. Honestly, I am more worried that they will make me go on BC pills if I need surgery than the possibility of the surgery itself. I hate BCPs, I'd rather abstain for a whole month than deal with the water retention and mood swings. Unless they have a new kind out that guarantees you'll lose 30lbs, I will attempt to refuse them.

Tomorrow will be the first time R will meet the RE. He hasn't really asked many questions about this whole process. I suggested that we talk about what the RE might cover tomorrow. His response? "We are just going to talk about your junkdrawer" (I just about fell out of my seat when he used that term...hilarious). At least I'll know what the RE is talking about, if he wants to sit there like a deer in headlights, fine by me. Maybe it will be a good wake up call that this involves both of us, not just fixing whatever is broken with me.

And once again it is O time. I thought about calling the RE and asking if we should be trying this cycle. The u/s tech explained that a septate uterus could cause miscarriage (inevitable if the embryo implants on the septum) or pre-term labor(PTL) due to IUGR. However, since I do not know if the septum is even big enough to cause any problems at all, I figure we may as well keep trying. Lets hope October brings a BFP rather than BCPs.

I'm scared

I am scared all the time. I rarely let it show through, but what if we can't have kids? What if nothing works? What if there is no way to afford it? There are so many what ifs, I try not to think past tomorrow but it doesn't work. We have the basics going for us - I ovulate and R's stats are normal, but that is all I'm holding on to. Again and again I read about couples where everything works...but something doesn't add up to the desired result. Who's to say that won't be us?

I don't know what to expect and I don't know where we are going next. That scares me.

Also, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone on this day.

FML

While I am sitting here at work pondering what the RE is going to say next week, I get this phone call:

Me: hello, L speaking how may I help you?

volunteer: Hi L! How's the baby?

me: uh...WHAT?!

volunteer: oh...sorry, I could have sworn you had a baby....I know you didn't just get married so I thought you had a baby.

me: no...that was [ex-coworker]


I should have a baby by now, seeing as how I probably started trying before co-worker did, but no, no such luck. At least she hasn't brought the baby in so everyone can fawn over it. I would seriously consider being out of the office when she does if I knew ahead of time. The endless facebook pictures were bad enough. I just don't think I could deal with it right now.

HSG - All clear!

First I would like to say that Lorazepam is my friend, if you doctor is willing to give it to you, I'd get it for this procedure. It also helped my nerves greatly.

My HSG had to be done in the radiology unit of our local hospital, so after being shuffled around and told to wait for a while we got in to a regular radiology room. I guess I expected an OB table, but no, I had slide myself up on this flat exam table (while clutching my stupid gown that only tied at the top). There was one nurse there from my RE and she explained the procedure again. Unluckily, the radiologists only had one size speculum on hand, so that was the first extra uncomfortable part. Then she inserts the catheter and holy hell could I feel that! She pauses and said as soon as the radiologist comes in we'll get started. Meanwhile I can feel the damn cath pushing on my insides. Finally the guy comes into room and we get started, I really didn't feel the dye at all (probably because of the catheter pain). I didn't have much time to really look at the screen, but they did say that both tubes were clear!

So now R and I just need to schedule an appointment with the RE to discuss all of this and where we go from here.

Had my sono

Overall it wasn't that bad, but it certainly wasn't painless either. My instructions said to take 600mg of ibuprofen and hour before, well I took 800 just in case. I saw the same u/s tech that did my initial workup, and she was really great and told me a funny story that made laugh and barely feel her inserting the catheter. What hurt the most was the saline, which caused pretty painful cramping and it still rather uncomfortable an hour later.
I am not sure which view showed what, but I think the side angle looked clear, which was great. Then she shifted the angle and the sono showed what she pointed out as batman eyes, meaning a septum. She took some pictures and said she'd have my RE look at them and decide if surgery was necessary. So now it looks like the question isn't just whether I will need surgery, but how many I will need.

SA results are in!

I put in a call to the RE because AF isn't fully gone and my sono is tomorrow (turns out that isn't a problem), so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask when we'd get SA results, and she put me through to the lab.

count = above 30 million (anything over 20mil is normal)
motility = 53% (over 50 is normal)
morph = 7% (between 5 and 14 is normal)

I am a little concerned about the morph, but my biggest fear was that we'd have nothing to work with at all. The lab tech said with these numbers there is no reason to not expect an un-assisted pregnancy. This is a huge relief. I was so worried about possibly getting a double set of bad news in the office tomorrow, most likely alone since it doesn't look like R can get of work two days in a row (yeah, I had a secret mini-meltdown about that last night). I feel much better now.

Life isn't fair.

The Duggar family is pregnant with child #19. That's right, this woman has popped out 19 kids in the past 20 years, saying they are so happy that God has decided to bless them. So what about the rest of us? Don't we deserve to be "blessed" too? Wonderful women like MrsSummitCounty, whose baby girl was diagnosed with Potters' Syndrome at 21weeks and is incompatible with life, or Autumnbride102007, who after four IUI's finally got that BFP, only discover yesterday that her beta had fallen to 13 and they were losing their miracle, not to mention the countless other women out there. How is that fair? So to all those strong women out there still trying for that miracle baby, you are in my thoughts and prayers. To the duggars and others with litters of children, you don't make the cut.

b/w + small veins = ouch

I had my cd3 b/w, and my veins didn't want to cooperate at all. She couldn't find a vein at all in my left arm, so she tried the right and it took several minutes to find anything. I joked that I should have gone running before the appointment. My poor arm now has a bruise even though she used the smallest needle possible.

Even though my appointment was at 7:30, right when the office opened, the place was already packed. There was one woman who looked extra scared to be there, and I couldn't help but feel grateful that I found the message boards on thebump.com. Since no one IRL knows we are having trouble, I have wonderful support and information there. I can't imagine struggling through this alone.

R had his b/w as well this morning and also dropped off his SA. I left him a voicemail asking him to find out when he should expect to hear the results, but he forget, so I guess we'll see.

Everything is scheduled

I am getting cd3 b/w done first thing tomorrow, since it can be done anywhere between cd2 and cd4. My sono is scheduled for Wednesday, Sept. 2, and the HSG is the day after that.

CD 1

AF showed this morning. At least I had a nice big temp drop this morning, so

I knew before I even got out of bed. If only all my cycles ended like that, I wouldn't have to waste pregnancy tests by testing to early. My reasoning for testing at all is this - I'd rather see that BFN and be disappointed at home, than AF show up while I somewhere like work and have to be upset then.

On a positive note, at least it AF showed two days before I expected her rather than two days later. My shortest ovulatory cycle yet - 33 days! Last cycle I was just ovulating now.

I called the nurse to schedule the b/w and tests, but of course I got her voicemail. So now I am waiting for her to get back to me. Seems like waiting is all I do lately....

11dpo and BFN

I wasn't holding out much hope for a BFP, so there was no huge crushing blow when the test was negative, but it still is depressing. And then I log on to the various message boards I frequent and there are like 5 BFP announcements. Of course I am happy for them, and I expect them on the pregnancy boards, but when they are the same dpo I am, or on an unrelated forum, it makes that BFN much harder.

So now I am waiting for AF to show and trying to guess when she will so I can figure out when I'll be missing work for all these tests. I really don't want my bosses knowing that I am having trouble TTC, but my office is very small, and two half days in one week will get noticed. How does one even approach that subject? Our director has no children and my direct boss doesn't believe in assisted reproduction. So I might end up saying something about endometriosis once I know the timeline, at least that way my boss can tell the secretaries to STFU when gossip gets too bad. I've already heard one or two comments about "several doctors appointments". Asshats.

At least R finally made the call to schedule his b/w and SA, but naturally the nurse wasn't there so he left a message. Hopefully she'll get back to him today.

2nd RE visit - u/s and b/w

Today I went back for my physical and ultrasound. At first it was pretty cool, as this was the first time I had an u/s and been able to see the screen. I asked the nurse if she could tell if I had ovulated yet, and she said she was pretty sure I had., and when she moved over to my right ovary she said it looked as though I ovulated from both sides (woot!). Then she went back to my left ovary and got a different angle, started measuring things, and asked if I had painful cycles. She said she may have been wrong about ovulation (on the left) and that it looked like I had something on my ovary and it wasn't getting any blood flow, most likely endiometrial tissue. She entered a few things on the machine and I watched as ENDOMETRIOMA appeared in big ugly yellow letters across the top of the screen.

I met with another nurse to discuss pre-natal bloodwork and go over the sono and the HSG again. She also "oh, I see they have you down for surgery as well" What?! I guess my RE went ahead and penciled that on my chart due to her concern that I probably have endometriosis, and the nurse explained that the final decision would be made when I met with the RE after the HSG and sono. So now we wait to see where this cycles takes me.

Here we go again

My temperature dropped today. I had really hoped I'd definitely be in the 2 week wait by now, but it looks like I may have another cycle of fakeouts. Yay, a whole new level of suckage.

First RE appointment

It went really well. I will say it was probably the longest appointment I've ever had. My appointment was for 2:15 and I left at 4. First I saw the nurse, who went over all the paperwork I'd filled out and asked a few basic questions. Then I met with my RE, who was really nice and actually reminded me of Tina Fey. She went over all my paper work again and asked me some more questions about my cycles, birth control history, etc. She did say she doubted PCOS was an issue because I didn't have all of the general markers (just the irregular cycles...and ::cough:: some weight gain), but that I did have symptoms that could be endometriosis. She then explained where we would go from here, and I was pleased that they are moving right into the testing rather than suggesting any drugs.

- I have one set of bloodwork to complete as soon as I can, which will be a complete metabolic panel and a lipid panel with LDL/HDL ratio (this is coming off the lab sheet).

- My next appointment is next week, 8/20/09 for an initial physical, and ultrasound. They will also go over our family history and discuss genetic testing.

-If/when AF (my period) arrives, I will call the third person I met with, our patient care specialist, and she will schedule my cd 3 bloodwork, which said can be done on cd 2, 3, or 4.

-Between cd5 and cd10 I will have a Sonohysterography (sono), which can be done in their office, and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) with must be in the out patient radiology department at the hospital. My RE did say that the later can be rather painful for some people and she had no problem prescribing something along the lines of Diazepam. I will also need to take antibiotics, starting two days prior to the HSG.

- I got a SA collection cup for R. The look on his face when I handed it to him when I got home was priceless. I think somehow he still thought he wouldn't have do anything until they confirmed the issue wasn't with me.

I also asked the care specialist if there is any cancellation policy if we happen to get pregnant our own this cycle. She said that of course that isn't a problem, they love when patients get pregnant on their own, but that I am now considered their patient no matter what. So if I get that BFP, I call her for bloodwork and they will monitor me through the first trimester with weekly ultrasounds! That will be a huge reassurance when I get to that point.

Overall I am very pleased and glad to have a definite plan. :)

RE appt. tomorrow

Today is my first day back to work after a nice vacation, and surprisingly, I am sitting here with very little to do (I seriously wondered if our office was closed and no one told me because I was the only one here for the first 15 minutes).
R and I filled out the paperwork for my appointment last night. I had to laugh when the second question on the genetics page was "Are you related - other than through marriage?" Um....No!

I will say that between our two family histories, what a mess we look like on paper. Cancer? Check. Diabetes? Check. Siezures? Check. Down Syndrome? Check. You get the idea. At this time we agreed that we are not going to request genetic testing, but looking at the sheet of checks, I won't be surprised if they recommend it.

I am not nervous at this point, I imagine the doc. will just go over paperwork and get us set up for S.A. and initial bloodwork. The S.A. results are what I fear the most. I have been preparing myself for problems TTC since I had all that irregular bleeding and pain the summer we were married, while still on depo. (OB said it was "wedding stress".....idiot) If something is wrong with me, I believe I can take it in stride. If R's S.A. doesn't come back normal, I fear it will be a huge crushing blow for him. I am trying not to worry about it until we actually reach that point, but we all know that it never as easy to actually do.

In other TTC news, I came back from vacation to a positive OPK! A huge thank you to Wifezzilla for sending me her extra OPKs. You are awesome, good luck with the CBEFM!
Fingers crossed that I will be in the 2 week wait by Monday.

back tracking

First, this blog will be a compilation of all my thoughts. If you are looking for puppies and rainbows and "he" has a plan, then look elsewhere. Since the start of this blog could be considered "in medias res", the first few posts may be boring as hell for many people. Sorry, I won't always be so dull and baby focused, I promise. BUT, since that is main reason I even bothered to start this, you will have to deal with it for a few posts, the boring details are:
-I was on depo provera from age 17-22, took a break/switched to the pill(holy weight gain batman!), back on depo age 24-27.
-married 7/7/07
-last depo injection, 12/07, TTC and charting since 10/08, irrelugar cycles since.

Looking back on this whole thing, I swore I'd never be here, never be that obsessed with charting, I seriously thought it would just happen. What a f_cking joke. Really.

So, right now we are in that "blank" period. Per my OBGYN (irrelugar ovulation date, luteal phase), I have scheduled an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for Aug. 14. As much as that call scared me, they were really nice and we will see where things go from here.

So this is a blog

hmmmm.....I always told myself I'd never blog. Just like I said I'd never use myspace (which sucks now...I should delete that account) or facebook. So....on to the name of my blog...I suck at coming up with names, I went through several, but this poem has always held a place in my soul, and so I give you:

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.
-Emily Dickinson

Now, this is not to say the whole poem exemplifies my thoughts on life, more so just the title, and hence the title of my blog, "an element of blank", narrows it down to what is left of some of what will be conveyed in this blog. This will be an outlet for feelings I will not share elsewhere, because for the most part, I do not care to share every little detail, or at this point, any detail, of my trying to conceive journey with my "real life" friends and family. "An element of blank" is a perfect discription of what I feel every cycle, when I see that BFN. I don't cry, I am not even surprised, even if we had perfect timing, I am just there. I am ok, I love my husband, and I love my life, but there is piece, that is just....blank.