I'm breaking...

Again. But what I wouldn't give to go back to the last time I broke down, thinking this was too much. God, looking back that was so easy compared to now. R is out of town until Tuesday. I usually do pretty well on my own, always have. Lately though, little things trigger huge meltdowns. There was a BFP announcement on one of the boards today from someone who has been trying around a year. I cried. That's right, I cried over someone who really deserves it because they haven't had to go through the full IF testing. I am not that person. I wish I had someone to share this with IRL. My mother knows, and she was so sweet after this failed cycle, offering to go out to lunch and talk, but she doesn't fully get it(and she's admitted that)....she had one clomid cycle for successful pregnancy #3.

I went out to lunch today with a very close friend (lives out of town now)I've had since kindergarten and I couldn't say a word about any of it, not even just the surgery part. I knew I would just fall apart or come across as an obsessive freak (to the non TTCer).

I rely greatly on message boards for support, but that is somewhat by choice. I have friends that will listen. Hell, I have one friend that has gone out of her way to reach out to me since I did finally let my close friends in on my surgery, but none really know about the TTC part. I really need a shoulder to cry on (other than R, I love him, but men don't fully get it no matter how hard they try). Yeah, I could call my friend bawling my eyes out and she'd be so freaked she'd think I had terminal cancer, but in the long run I'd be no closer to a BFP. Truth is, I'm actually avoiding her offer to hang this weekend, because I don't know how to talk about some of it, to a good friend, without talking about all of it. I know I could tell all and she wouldn't say anything, but then, I'm getting pity for surgery, I can't handle pity for pregnancy FAILs. So for now, I am, somewhat by choice, while wishing otherwise, completely alone.