Sunday, April 25, 2010
April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you play with your kids today, or tuck them into bed tonight, please take a minute to empathize with the millions of couples out there struggling to achieve what you have. If you or someone you love is affected by infertility, please post this in your status this week to show your support. ♥
We will see if anyone actually comments on it.
It would also appear that I may need to move to full comment moderation, I'm getting tired of deleting random "bot" comments that say nothing coherent.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.>
I can't ever go back to just hoping for that BFP. Two lines will always instill sudden fear in me...or perhaps I will feel nothing? Certainly not the simple joy of finding out you are pregnant. Nothing is simple anymore. I don't think that can ever be undone.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
We talked about the genetic factors involved with losses and she said usually they will start testing after 2 losses, but she did have us get tested for translocation issues because that would be useful to know before IVF anyway.
I asked about low progesterone causing the chemical pregnancy and she said that is controversial right now, because they can't prove if the progesterone causes the chromosomal problems, or if the chromosomal problems cause low progesterone. She did say it was fine for me to take my Endometrin in the 2ww on the natural cycles.
So we are giving this natural thing a few more chances. Not too much else to report at the moment. I'm sort of charting but I haven't had even AF level bleeding yet, so I don't know where exactly in my cycle I am. Hopefully my beta will be 0 on Wednesday. It was down to 37 last week.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 9th
I woke up tired and feeling like a hollow shell. Part of me felt like I could pull it together and go to work as though nothing was wrong, but a bigger part said I needed to stay home and "heal". Heal from what, I'm not sure, because nothing had happened. It was just some numbers and some words. They could be wrong, right? By 10:30 I started to spot and I assumed that was it, it would be over soon. The cramping started around 3pm and it was bad. It was like my pre-Lap AFs, except it encompassed my whole abdomen. It felt like a fist squeezing my uterus, but pulling enough to make my ovaries hurt too. Overall, it felt similar to my post sonohysterogram feeling, very heavy and achy.
Saturday, April 10th
The nurse this morning was dead fish nurse. The first time I've ever seen anything close to feeling in her eyes. Too bad it didn't help. The cramps are still here and the bleeding is minimal. My progesterone is only 2.8 it should be moving a lot more quickly than this. I skipped my nephew's first birthday. I was told to stay off my feet today and I couldn't handle it emotionally anyway. My older SIL and my pregnant SIL now know about our loss and our infertility. I don't think they could possibly understand.
I am starting to reach the angry phase. I'm mad that this happened. I'm mad that it is called a chemical pregnancy even though I was 5 weeks based on ovulation. I'm mad that people might not understand if we don't use the term "miscarriage". I'm mad that I feel my loss is downgraded in others eyes because we never made past embryo stage. I'm just mad.
Tuesday, April 13th
I went back to work yesterday, even though the end of this seems no where in sight. It wasn't too bad, at least I haven't cried since Sunday. I was even able to tell two of my close friends over the phone without breaking down. Tomorrow I have to go in for more bloodwork. That will be hard. I was fighting tears waiting for my last beta. I just want this to be over so I can focus on our next cycle (and also so I don't have to keep worrying about making it through the workday without incident).
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I don't know what to think. I thought I was on cd10 and was crazy for still noticing 2ww symptoms. I peed on a cheapie and as I went to test my OPK I saw the second line plain as day. I tested with the digital and you can see the result! A FRER also confirmed it.
Unluckily I discovered some spotting when I went to take my first Endometrin pill and the few temps I've had since "AF" were pretty low. I am hoping it is not too late. I go first thing tomorrow for my beta.