I'm breaking...

Again. But what I wouldn't give to go back to the last time I broke down, thinking this was too much. God, looking back that was so easy compared to now. R is out of town until Tuesday. I usually do pretty well on my own, always have. Lately though, little things trigger huge meltdowns. There was a BFP announcement on one of the boards today from someone who has been trying around a year. I cried. That's right, I cried over someone who really deserves it because they haven't had to go through the full IF testing. I am not that person. I wish I had someone to share this with IRL. My mother knows, and she was so sweet after this failed cycle, offering to go out to lunch and talk, but she doesn't fully get it(and she's admitted that)....she had one clomid cycle for successful pregnancy #3.

I went out to lunch today with a very close friend (lives out of town now)I've had since kindergarten and I couldn't say a word about any of it, not even just the surgery part. I knew I would just fall apart or come across as an obsessive freak (to the non TTCer).

I rely greatly on message boards for support, but that is somewhat by choice. I have friends that will listen. Hell, I have one friend that has gone out of her way to reach out to me since I did finally let my close friends in on my surgery, but none really know about the TTC part. I really need a shoulder to cry on (other than R, I love him, but men don't fully get it no matter how hard they try). Yeah, I could call my friend bawling my eyes out and she'd be so freaked she'd think I had terminal cancer, but in the long run I'd be no closer to a BFP. Truth is, I'm actually avoiding her offer to hang this weekend, because I don't know how to talk about some of it, to a good friend, without talking about all of it. I know I could tell all and she wouldn't say anything, but then, I'm getting pity for surgery, I can't handle pity for pregnancy FAILs. So for now, I am, somewhat by choice, while wishing otherwise, completely alone.

spotting

AF is being a nasty bitch this cycle. I had very light spotting this morning. Then it stopped until about 10:30 when it came back as almost light flow, but didn't last long enough to convince me. So now I just have heavy spotting, but too light to confirm cd1 and call in to schedule cd3 appts. Goddamnit.

A Daily Thought...

got this as part of an email and it made me laugh (yes, in case you haven't figured it out, I have a twisted sense of humor at times, no I wouldn't actually do this).

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

I think I am going to start handing out Slinkie awards to stupid/insensitive posts on the boards.

14dpo

AF isn't here yet, but I've had some signs today (guess that surgery didn't quite clear up the AF related intestinal troubles). With the exception of one crazy long LP, I am "late" by at least 1 day now. I haven't posted for fear of jinxing myself, so maybe if I just save this as draft for now and post later....



So yesterday I wasn't feeling well and I talked to R on the phone and when he asked if I was ok I could tell it he assumed AF was had made her appearance and was asking more about my emotional state than my physical one. I thought that was very sweet. Earlier this evening I had some cramping and mentioned it. A little while later he asked if AF had started, when I said no, his response was good, I hope she never does. I know he must of had hope for previous cycles but I feel like this is the first one we've really shared that "what if?" (despite the BFNs).



Sadly, the signs I've had today point to her arriving tomorrow or on Thanksgiving.

98.2

Fuck. That is a big drop from yesterday's temp. Thing is though, I have no clue if it's accurate. After the BFN yesterday morning, I shrugged it off and had a blast last night. We went out to dinner with friends and then to see Steven Lynch. If you don't know who he is, check him out on youtube, he's awesome (unless you are one of those politically correct overly sensitive types, in which case you may to crawl back into the bubble you came out of). So needless to say after a late night involving martinis, wine and laughing my ass off, I woke up still drunk. Yep, that's right, I don't know if my temperature actually dropped or if I temped with the thermometer next to me on the pillow rather than in my mouth. Oh, I should clarify....when I said woke up....that was around 10....I'm not counting my 6am temp time as waking up at all.

Also, I think my chart is possessed...because it looks just like my chart from May. Creepy.

BFN, so protocol for next cycle

So I tested this morning and got a BFN. I don't know why I let myself think I even had a chance. Yeah, I'm not out until AF shows, but she should be here tomorrow or Monday, unless my body pulls a nasty trick and gives me a 16 day LP, like last march. I guess I did a decent job of not getting my hopes up though. I felt absolutely nothing, just blank, when I stared at that stark white spot where the second line should be.

So I had my P4 b/w and my consult for next cycle on Wednesday. My progesterone was good on its own, about 14, so at least I have no issues there. I had talked to my RE a week ago and explained that I wasn't ready to move to a full injectable cycle. The nurse had previously given me the impression that I could try alternatives to Clomid, such as Femara. Unluckily, my RE said that their practice has chosen to stop using Femara because of the association with birth defects. She said that I could try Tomoxifen, but they don't use it as often and the results aren't as high.
After re-expressing concerns about costs and increased monitoring for injectables, she suggested I try 25mg of Clomid cd 3-7 (instead of 5-9) and they will give me a free sample of Bravelle, which I will take as a booster shot on cd10. This should help give my lining a chance to thicken up before trigger.

So that is where we are, waiting for AF. And that is something else that is messing with my head. I have no pre-AF symptoms....no intestinal trouble, no stabbing pains (well, there was one moment at 7dpo where I stood up and felt like I'd been struck across the stomach with a bat), basically nothing that tells me she is coming. I assume these horrid symptoms were "cured" by the removal of the endo, but I have to wonder.

WTF is wrong with people?

A new person introduced themselves today on one of the boards I frequent. In her intro was this:

i've been trying for about 2 years but my husband just jumped on board about 3 months ago....

yeah....you read that right, she has been on the baby wagon for 2 damn years but just managed to talk her husband into agreement recently. So how, you might ask, does that work? We've all heard the jokes about holes in condoms or seen the Lifetime movies where the wife secretly stops her BCP, but this takes the cake:

i've been off b/c for 5 years now and have always been using the pull out method. i've been ready for a baby since the day i was born so waiting so long was killing me! i researched everything about getting pregnant, pregnancy, ect. on every website known to the WWW. i would count the days of my cycle, check my cm and even tried taking my bbt (on the dl) and would pounce on my husband the days i believed i was most fertile....using the pull out method, i'd prayed for pre-ejaculate to do the trick.

So this nutjob did everything possible to deceive her husband (well, aside from collecting sperm from used condoms and injecting it herself). I am surprised she didn't try locking her legs around him. But then of course he'd know, I mean, she must of had her "it was an accident" speech all planned out.

Anyone seen the movie Idiocracy? Some days I truly believe that is an accurate portrayal of the future of humanity.

the 2ww begins

My temp shot way up today, so my chart says I am now 3dpo, but I am thinking I may have Od yesterday. My last positive OPK was the darkest of all of them, so if I was ovulating that same day I doubt that would be the case. In the past I have always Od the day after the OPKs go back to negative. Either way our timing is good. As another poster on the GP board said, at least my lining had a little extra time to thicken up. Now I get to cling to false hope for the next two weeks.

Well I feel awful

So on one of the boards I frequent, the topic of finding old ex-bfs (and seeing how poorly they've aged)on facebook came up. So I decided to look up this one guy I dated in college. He was a total player and to this day I am sure he cheated on me toward the end of our relationship. Last I'd talked to him was shortly before my wedding, he had already been married a year. So when I saw a completely different wife on FB, I smugly assumed he cheated on the first one and remarried in all of a year and a half. So I googled his first wife to see if I was right. That is when I found her pregnancy blog...the final entry written by her sister, notifying everyone of her and her infant daughter's passing. She died 6 months pregnant from a blood clot in the summer of 2008.

Obviously this has nothing at all to do with me, we barely kept in touch after we graduated. I remember after we broke up, wishing that someone would do to him what he did to me, i.e. insufferable heartbreak (back then I thought my heart was broken). This wasn't what I had in mind when I wished he'd be left by the love of his life one day. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.

skipping endometrin

The nurse just called me back and my RE doesn't see the need for it this cycle (I agree). I will go in next Wednesday for b/w to check my progesterone levels on their own, which will be good to know. She did mention injectables for next cycle again, and I said I wasn't really ready to move on to that yet and I asked about Femara. I was very pleased to hear that they do use it occasionally and while the pregnancy rates aren't as high as injects. (duh...neither is Clomid) that is a possibility. So she is going to set up a phone meeting with my RE for Thursday around 2.

She didn't say anything about my urinalysis results, and I didn't ask because I am feeling better. I didn't eat anything most of yesterday...drank the pom juice in the morning and then just water until dinner. Well, I am now convinced it was the pom juice because after I did eat, the ab. and back pain were just horrendous. So I skipped the juice this morning, just sipped water and finally ate some lunch around 2 and I feel fine. I'll do another trial run with pom juice in a few days just to see if I'm right.

Trigger was cancelled.

My lining is too thin to bother. I am surging on my own anyway (which is good) so we can still try without the Ovidrel. My RE will call tomorrow to let me know if I should take the Endometrim or not. If I don't, I think I will go in about a week after O to see where my progesterone is on its own. They will still bring me in for beta levels after two weeks, but I don't have much hope. This sucks.

Or not.

My lining is still at only 5mm. My LH surge has started though, and my right follie is a little above 19mm, and the left is around 12mm. The nurse is going to talk with my RE and let me know if I should still trigger tonight. I really hope I can. I've had b/w 3 days in a row now in the same arm. I'm starting to look like some kind of junkie (thank god it isn't summer so I can cover my bruises).

I also mentioned my abdominal pain and gave a urine sample in case I do have a bladder infection. I think my body just hates pure pomegranate juice.

Triggering tomorrow!

So I had more b/w this morning. The tech tried 3 times to find a vein, even tried my hand (horribly painful) and finally went back to the same spot as yesterday, which is now a bruised mess. The nurse called me back a few hours later and said to trigger tonight. I expressed my concern over the size of my follies and she said they should have enough time to grow but that my lining was a concern. She started to arrange for me to go back in for a u/s today, but since we aren't doing an IUI she felt we could push the trigger to tomorrow so we can get one last look tomorrow morning.

I think I have been drinking too much liquid lately, or maybe downing it too quickly. I started pomegranate juice yesterday...adding on to my two glasses of green tea and as much water as possible. Last night my abdomen seemed sore and I got an achy feeling after going to the bathroom. I am starting to worry I am getting some kind of bladder infection. I am going to mention it to the nurse tomorrow and call my reg. doctor if it still bothers me. I really hope this doesn't screw up my cycle.

3rd monitoring appt., pointless

They should have given me a few more days. My right ovary clearly has the dominant follicle overall, at 16mm. The left side has slowed down and she only bothered to measure one at around 11-12mm. My lining is still on the thin side, around 4.95. The nurse said it was still early and it could thicken up in the next few days. If it doesn't, and I don't get pregnant this cycle, she said the RE may want me to move to injectables next cycle. I've heard that drinking %100 pomegranate juice can help thicken it....probably too late now but maybe I'll try to find that and chug it for the next few days.

They will call me later to let me know if I have to come back in tomorrow or if I can wait until Monday.

******
I have to go in tomorrow at 8am for b/w only. Ugh.

2nd appt. - still a no go

cd12 and not a whole lot of progress. The follie on my right ovary grew a bit though. This time the nurse told me it was about 12mm (up from what I think was 8mm 2 days ago). The one on my left ovary either did nothing or I was wrong about the size last time, because she just said I have two smaller ones on my left. One was about 10mm and the other 8mm.

My lining was still fairly thin (I think the number on the screen was a little over 4mm?). I asked the nurse if there was anything I could do to help it and she said no, it was just too early in my cycle and it should thicken on its own. I had more bloodwork from the same poor vein they used last time (she couldn't find a good on my right arm) and they will call me to let me know when to come back in. The nurse said she thought they'd be able to give me a few days break before coming back....so maybe Monday?

*************
Nope, next appt. will be Saturday at 8am.

FFS, go to the 1st trimester board already

As I've mentioned before, I often post on a message board about getting pregnant. Many posters have been there a long time and will continue to hang around after getting their BFPs to support their internet buddies. Recently, I've noticed a different trend, and it is making me quite stabby. If I see one more newbie get their BFP after a month or two and then continue to "stay" on GP (Getting Pregnant) I am going to loose it. I don't care how much you post in one freaking month you have to be deranged to be unable to move on to first tri. Seriously, it is an internet message board, what kind of unhealthy attachment have you formed that you can't move on with the rest of the successful pregnancy people? It isn't like you've been chatting with us for months or in some cases, years. Honestly, you tried for one month (maybe two)...no one cares enough for you to stay. Run along and play with your other lucky little newbie friends. And please, don't thank the regulars/long timers for "handling" other newbie posts. All you've handled is getting KU on the first try. Go the F away. I don't want to see your ticker day in and day out. God I feel like such a bitch today...I thought about not posting this, I really did..... F it, I'm in a pissed off mood and I don't care who sees it.

1st monitoring appt.

Not so good. I am only cd10 but my lining is still pretty thin. I have one follie on my right ovary that I think was around 8mm (she didn't tell me I just watched her measure on the screen) and one on my left ovary that was around 11mm. The nurse said this will probably just be a longer cycle. WTF. I ovulate on my own around cd21 anyway, if I took drugs to achieve the same thing I'll be pissed.

And naturally I left my cell phone at home, so I had to call the RE's office and give them my work line. Thankfully I talked to a nurse rather than a machine, so I know they got the info. They will call back sometime today and let me know when I go back in. I was really hoping to trigger by this weekend. cd21 is right in the middle of a weekend that R will be out of town. I have to ovulate sooner than that.

**************
Update: the nurse called back and said they want to see me back on Thursday....so hopefully that means they expect some decent growth in that amount of time.

My new routine

...for bedtime anyway.
Take Clomid at 10:30 and attempt to get to sleep ASAP.
11 - 11:30: first hot flashes show up, begin night time "shifting"
11:30-?: Sleep on side until too hot, shift to my back and make sure arms and legs are not covered by blankets....15 minutes later start freezing, shift back to side and cover up....30-45 sleep...repeat.
3am and later: finally sleep...so soundly that I sleep through my diabetic cat's meowing episode and R wakes up to test his sugars (he was fine and I am proud of R).

Honestly, it could be worse. As R said, it is just good practice for our future baby. It is really screwing with my temps though...between that and daylight savings my temp was 98.46 (and no, I didn't have anything to drink at all) this morning. The other odd thing? Frequent urination....I must have gotten up to pee at least 4 times last night and several times this morning.