On a more positive note...

I've had my cd3 baseline and my first monitoring appt. (a bit of WTFness in there that I'll get to in a bit) and my lining went from 2.8 to a 7 in only 3 days! This wonderful news because it means I can ditch the calorie packed nastiness that is %100 pomegranate juice. I had a number of antral follies on cd3 and I had few 7-8mm on cd6 but nothing dominant yet. I will go in tomorrow for my next appointment.

So on to the WTF part. If anyone has been super attentive to my TTC timeline and my protocol for this cycle, you probably noticed it has changed several times. Originally the RN told me they'd put me on Follistim. Ok, no surprise, I've heard of it and that is what I figured I'd be on. Cd1 I call and they've talked to my insurance/pharmacy and they only cover Gonal-F. Still no big deal, if it saves me a ton and works just as well, fine by me. Then we get to cd3 baseline, where I saw one of the 4 REs in the practice (but not mine since she's still on vacation) and he asks if I'm comfortable with my meds. I say yes but I don't know when to take it and I don't have it yet. Um....yeah...someone forgot to order it. So they fumble around and come up with enough samples of Bravelle to cover me for this cycle. Thank god I took one Bravelle booster shot and an injectables consult last cycle because otherwise I would have felt totally lost only having an internet video as a guide.

My appointment yesterday was with my RE and she was able to answer a few of R's questions about our chances (he likes statistics). The last week or so I've been telling him we are moving to IUI this cycle (and asked him repeatedly if he felt ready for it)....well, after our appt. he goes "so what do you mean 'insemination'..I have to put my boys in a cup again?" Sigh. Yes, sweetheart...that is what I've been saying all along. Denial is a powerful thing. Of course I reitterated that we could just do TI if he wasn't ready, but he said whatever will give us our best chance.

MIL knows..

...about our TTTC problems now. She noticed how upset I was after SILs announcement and basically asked straight out the next day if we were having problems. I couldn't lie to her face (and of course I started to tear up again) so I told her we were having trouble getting pregnant. She then said it took her 4.5 years to get pregnant, so for a second I thought...wow...she really does understand. Then she bestowed this wonderful piece of wisdom on me; we will get pregnant if we......wait for it.....you ready?....."just relax".

That is when I remembered that a) MIL didn't want children at all when she got married and b) she was 18 when she got married and had her oldest at 23, so yeah, I doubt she ever really TTC. WTFever.

Younger SIL is pregnant.

The announcement is just like a nightmare playing over and over. This possibility occurred to me a few weeks ago, but obviously I missed someone when I did my "who's drinking" check Christmas eve. We made it through opening almost all gifts (which included opening an obscene number of kid gifts first for older SIL's two, as well as some snide comments toward us non-parents about christmas being all about kids)...then one of my younger SILs (R has twin sisters) said she had one more gift from MIL. She stood up and held up this Tshirt that said we're having a baby. I hope no one saw my face at first because it was absolute shock and dread. My first thought was "is it ok to run now?" "do I have to say something?" "fuck, can I choke out congrats before running to the other room?" I managed to hang back, give a quick congrats, grab my wine glass, run upstairs to the main level and lock myself in the bathroom where I cried until R came up to console me. I will say he is trying so hard to be completely wonderful and understanding, but this killed my whole Christmas. It's right up there with the year I came home from college with a 102 fever and slept through most of Christmas...Actually, no, this is worse. At least then everyone knew what it was like to feel like shit. R's family has no clue we are having trouble at all (his sisters don't even know I had surgery). What I am going to do? Call my poor mother and make her feel horrible for me? R asked if I wanted to talk about it on the way home but I don't know how to explain it without sounding hateful. Once we were home I think I expressed my thought best by telling him that it didn't seem fair that SIL's husband was going to get to be a father before he (R) was, because SIL's husband would be a mediocre father at best and R would be an awesome one.

Beta was negative

I knew it would be, but I guess I was still clinging to hope. First time I've cried over a BFN. And of course I'm at work. This blows.

Rather Irritated.

So I did cave and POAS this morning and like I expected, one sad little line. I have no clue what my protocol for next cycle is, so I called my RE only to find on she is on vacation until the 29th. The receptionist said she'd have a nurse practitioner call me back, but I'm not so thrilled with starting a new protocol without my RE. Originally I was going to take a break this month, but R and I bought a house and will be moving mid Feb, so I think that will be our break. The new house is also farther away from my RE's office, so I was thinking we might as well do IUI now. I really don't want to wait until March. Again, I wish I could talk to my dr. about it. So frustrating.

******

The nurse called back and wasn't very helpful. She said this past cycle wasn't a bad one, but she didn't have much advice as to whether we should repeat it or move to full injectables. My beta was moved to tomorrow. I think I'm going to stop the progesterone then and just hope for the best as far as AF and Christmas go.

11dpo and giant temp drop.

98.6 down to 97.73. I don't think that is supposed to happen while on Progesterone so I guess that means I'm really screwed. So needless to say, I did not test this morning and probably won't bother at all unless it goes back up. I did find one or two charts on fertilityfriend that have implantation dips that big (for a clomid cycle and on progesterone), but their dips are around 7-8dpo, not 11. If AF shows before I stop these pills I'll be really pissed. I haven't discussed next cycle with R or my RE, I do not want to throw that in with the rest of the pre-Christmas madness.

Halfway there.

My beta is in a week. Nothing exciting to report TTC wise. I don't really have any symptoms at 8dpo. Endometrin is the devil though. Not only did it make me horribly dizzy the first two days and sporadically dizzy thereafter, it requires me to where a pad non-stop (think monostat only with delayed leakage). Fun times.

In other news, R and I are buying a house. We signed the papers and went under contract last night. So at least I have something that will take my mind off the rest of this 2ww (and whatever the next few months may bring).

Triggering tonight!

I trigger tonight between 6 and 8pm, we sex it up the next 3 nights (including tonight), I start the Endometrin on Wednesday and my very first beta is Wednesday the 23rd.

The more you know...

I had my 3rd monitoring appt. this morning and I am fairly confident I will be triggering tonight, because I've had a ton of EWCM and an almost pos. OPK yesterday. So this u/s showed my lining was still around 6.8, so chances are I was wrong last appt. (it must have been 5.8 or something) because when I asked if it was still too thin, the tech said no, they usually like to see it around a 6 or a 7 (I was thinking they wanted at least an 8). So I am right where I need to be!

My left follie was 21 x 24mm and looked huuuge, and a little lumpy too (which also makes me think I'm about to O, though I have no medical opinion to back that part of the theory up). There was some fluid in my uterus, but the tech said that didn't mean we'd missed the fertile window.

getting there

I had to go in for my 2nd monitoring appt. this morning. I gave myself (well, R did the injection part after my attempt failed) the Bravelle last night. It wasn't too bad, but it was pretty sore for about 15 minutes.
My lining has increased to 6.88, which the doctor said was fine because I was still really early (she was looking at my right ovary) then she moved to the left and had the same surprised reaction as the tech yesterday because my left follie is now at 19mm. She said that is fine and they like to see it get a little bigger before triggering. So as long as I am not starting to surge on my own yet, everything should be good.

cd10 monitoring, take 2.

So I took 25mg Clomid cd3-7 and that must have given me a jump start because even though it was lower dose I'm already close to where I was on my 3rd monitoring appt. last cycle (which was cd14). My right ovary had a follie that was 9x13mm, so I think they would round that to about an 11, but then she checked my left side and found an even bigger one at 15mm. That bad news is that my lining is still a little thin, but seeing as how it is 4.6-4.9 on cd10 compared that same thickness cd14 last cycle I am not too discouraged yet. I will give myself the Bravelle tonight and hopefully that will help quickly because with that big a follie I should be triggering in the next 3 or 4 days.