Friday, July 24, 2009

back tracking

First, this blog will be a compilation of all my thoughts. If you are looking for puppies and rainbows and "he" has a plan, then look elsewhere. Since the start of this blog could be considered "in medias res", the first few posts may be boring as hell for many people. Sorry, I won't always be so dull and baby focused, I promise. BUT, since that is main reason I even bothered to start this, you will have to deal with it for a few posts, the boring details are:
-I was on depo provera from age 17-22, took a break/switched to the pill(holy weight gain batman!), back on depo age 24-27.
-married 7/7/07
-last depo injection, 12/07, TTC and charting since 10/08, irrelugar cycles since.

Looking back on this whole thing, I swore I'd never be here, never be that obsessed with charting, I seriously thought it would just happen. What a f_cking joke. Really.

So, right now we are in that "blank" period. Per my OBGYN (irrelugar ovulation date, luteal phase), I have scheduled an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for Aug. 14. As much as that call scared me, they were really nice and we will see where things go from here.

So this is a blog

hmmmm.....I always told myself I'd never blog. Just like I said I'd never use myspace (which sucks now...I should delete that account) or facebook. So....on to the name of my blog...I suck at coming up with names, I went through several, but this poem has always held a place in my soul, and so I give you:

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.
-Emily Dickinson

Now, this is not to say the whole poem exemplifies my thoughts on life, more so just the title, and hence the title of my blog, "an element of blank", narrows it down to what is left of some of what will be conveyed in this blog. This will be an outlet for feelings I will not share elsewhere, because for the most part, I do not care to share every little detail, or at this point, any detail, of my trying to conceive journey with my "real life" friends and family. "An element of blank" is a perfect discription of what I feel every cycle, when I see that BFN. I don't cry, I am not even surprised, even if we had perfect timing, I am just there. I am ok, I love my husband, and I love my life, but there is piece, that is just....blank.