13 weeks!!

Can I officially say I'm in the 2nd trimester yet?  Not sure exactly when it starts, but I'm damn close!  I am too lazy to upload a bump picture right now, but I can say that (well, before eating anything in the morning at least) I'm more bump than bloat!! Size-wise there isn't much difference yet, because the bloat/bump are shrinking/growing at an even pace, but I can feel my uterus easily now.  Since I've been on modified bedrest I've been able to avoid addressing my regular wardrobe situation, but my jeans are permanently out.  I don't think I'll bother with one of those belly bands things....just move on to maternity pants of some sort.   R bought me some kind of waistband expander on amazon for Christmas, but there is no way they will work.

He also bought my a Boppy pillow and the baby bedding I wanted!!  I found this back when I was about 8 weeks.  I showed him but he didn't seem too interested and I figured I'd just have to file it away in an ideas folder and wait until I was far enough along to make a registry.   Well, he was paying a lot more attention than I thought!  I absolutely love it!

Bananafish Bailey bedding set.  The includes the sheets, blanket, bumper and bedskirt. 

And while we are on the nursery topic.  Here is the crib I am in love with. 

Munire Bristol Collection.  We really haven't even begun to actually look at cribs, but I found this at the same time I was looking at bedding so I saved it.  So beautiful!  R is starting to get into the nursery ideas stuff now too.  He was talking about adding crown molding to the baby's room, and possibly a chair rail depending on how we want to paint things.  I know we will go with pale blue and use flat and satin paint to create a striped look, but I don't know if we want that floor to ceiling or just half with a solid base.  I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but it is fun to think about.

We are also getting very close to be fully "out".  Immediate families know, so do a few of R's close friends and select co-workers at both our jobs.  I plan on announcing to all my friends tomorrow night at a New Year's Eve party.  I hope everyone is planning to come...otherwise that will kind of crimp my plans but I think I'll go forward with the announcement anyway.  We'll probably make a few calls to extended family over the weekend and let it spread by word of mouth to cousins and such.  I was originally planning to tell my office at our staff meeting next friday and then open up our facebook pages around 14 weeks (they are locked now just in case) but with this SCH bedrest issue, I will probably have to arrange a few special meetings in the beginning of the week, which leads me to my next topic.

SCH update:

Since this obviously isn't going anywhere anytime soon, I'm just going to give it its own update section at the end of posts.  It is easier that way and all my normal updates don't sound like such downer posts with it separated out.

I've been holding steady so far this week, though I'm just waiting for that next big bleed.  I know it has to be in there somewhere.  Instead, I've been getting little changes in flow, just enough to freak me out too much to be comfortable leaving the house for very long, not to mention still being stuck with these giant pads.

I've talked with 2 of the nurses at my OBs office about follow up for this thing.  My OB is going to review the NT scans and look at the size of the hematoma, but the nurse today said it shifted to be 66mm X 54mm, so more square than the 69x34 it was before.   She said it is large, but she has seen bigger that ended in full term births, so the concern level is not increasing any more than before.  Chances are though, that I will not be returning to work full time next week either.  I'm hoping I can at least put in some half days, because I work for a small non-profit and I am not planning on returning after the baby is born, so I'm not sure how far our Board of Directors is going to want to extend sick day policies for someone who won't even be putting in 6 more months of work.  One more week will use up my remaining sick days, leaving me with 8 vacation days between now and July 1.  So much for taking those last 4 weeks before baby arrives as paid time off.

So my next u/s with the RE is tomorrow and I will get my updated bedrest instructions, check those with my OB, and go from there.



NT scan

As well as could be expected anyway. The tech was actually completely confused and thought she was looking at twins in different sacs (impossible with single embryo transfer) at first, but I'll get to that in a minute.


The baby looked great and was cooperative and relatively quiet for the first time ever. Perhaps because my poor bladder was taking up too much room. I was a little concerned at first, but we got a few wiggles and kicks by the end of the scan and the tech said the activity level was totally normal.  We had our genetic counseling session beforehand, which was a little daunting, but our risk numbers went from 1/645 for DS and 1/1152 for Trisomy 13/18 before screening, to less than 1 in 10,000 after so we are thrilled with that result. Here is the baby:

For several reasons that weren't new info today, one being an IVF w/ ICSI baby, I will need a Level II scan at about 18weeks and a fetal echocardiogram at about 22weeks.

So onto the "two sac" situation. Here is a picture from last tuesday, about 8 hours after my last major bleed. You can sort of see how one might think there were two in there.

Normally they don't give me these pictures, but the nurse printed a ton by accident so I had the whole strip...another picture that I can't find at the moment had the measurements from different angle. The SCH is 69mm by 34mm, the baby measured 59mm (CRL, not amniotic sac). So the SCH is still very large and some part of it is probably still active...the black area is either fluid or blood. It didn't look much different today, so I can only guess that means it is not going to resolve itself without another round of bleeding or more first. I see my RE one more time on Friday, so hopefully I can ask more questions then.

12 weeks!!

Even just 6 weeks ago I barely dared to hope I'd make it this far.  So much can happen in that time.  So much has happened.  But here we are!  Wave!

This is the picture we put in frames and wrapped to give R's sisters tomorrow night.  Obviously it is a baby, but I hope they can tell it is the head and a little arm.

And since I haven't posted any "bump" pictures since there hasn't been much change...here are the last 3 weeks.   I lost a bit of the bloat last week, but seemed to have gained it back for today.  There is a tiny bit of real bump in there though.

jinxed myself...here we go again.

Last night I had several little bleeds, then woke up around 1am feeling pretty awful.  I had abdominal pains that were partially gas but also something else.  I tried sleeping in different positions, but finally I felt a centralized burning pressure and I could feel the next bleed starting.  This time I passed another very large clot, about the same size as the very first one.  I woke up R and called the on call doctor at my OB to see what she recommended doing.  I still felt pretty uncomfortable, but there was no obvious cramping and the bleeding didn't seem to be getting any worse than light flow so we decided I should lay back down with my feet up and try to wait it out until morning.  Meanwhile, I'd also had a bad headache for the better part of the previous 12 hours, so sleep was alluding me on all levels.   Over an hour later, the doctor finally called me back and agreed with our decision to wait until morning.  I was not nearly as freaked out as the first time, the ER doc. had said there was another large clot in there...he just thought it was unlikely I'd pass it.

So I did get some sleep and called my RE first thing in the morning.  We went in around 9 and the baby still looks great.  The hematoma looked like a gigantic mess to me but the nurse assured me it hadn't gotten any worse and it was mostly clotted over, which is good news.  I still have a ways to go though, and I will probably continue to have bleeding for the next few weeks so I am still on bedrest somewhat.  I still have a lot of abdominal pressure, but some, if not most of that is because my uterus has started to flip up out of my pelvis, so I should be starting a real bump sometime soon.

Hanging in there.

It has been almost a week since I've had any majorly concerning bleeds *knocks on wood*.  I still don't feel particularly great, but when you spend the majority of your day on the couch or napping, I'd expect some discomfort to be normal.  My morning sickness seems to have ended...I haven't taken anything for it since last Tuesday.  Of course, no symptoms gives me reason to worry as well, but I've been playing with my home doppler and I've found the placenta quite easily (makes a sound like wind through the trees or the "sea" when listening to a seashell) and today it picked up something that registered at 145 so even though I couldn't really distinguish it from my HB mixed in with the placental noise, something else there.  My HB picks up around 120-130 and then drops steadily on the doppler to the 80s, this one went up so I know it wasn't mine.   Only 2 more days until my next u/s.

and another one

This blog is getting rather redundant, but such is my life right now.  My body did switch things up a little bit though, and sprung this one on me at 3am while I was sleeping.  Good thing I was prepared with my giant incontinence pads (yes, seriously).  This bleed was lighter than the 2nd one, so hopefully this will be a continuing trend.   It barely lasted long enough to be considered more than medium flow, so the sleep loss was more out of fear of what might come than what had passed.  That, and I'm not sure if it is mild cramping or nerves, but I get abdominal discomfort when these bleeds happen, but higher than where my uterus is sitting.   I haven't bothered to call the doctor about this one (though I'm still waiting for someone at my OB to get back to me) because it is mostly spotting again.  The primary nagging thought in the back of my mind is that somehow some of this might be leaking from around the baby, but I know there is nothing that can be done if that is the case, so I'm trying not to think about that.

11 weeks

Thursdays are the days I look forward to the most recently, because they are the days I reach a new week and I am that much closer to hopefully feeling more secure.  On Thursdays I can log in to my pregnancy forums and get to see that welcome message say something new again.

It is the little things that matter sometimes.   Today I'm feeling a little better.  I have to wonder how much of what I feel is normal pregnancy aches and changes and how much is related to the extra bleeding in my uterus.  I have noticed that I have to be much more careful when I roll over at night...making sure I turn everything together so I don't get stretching pains in my abdomen.  I'm still down 3lbs since the SCH started, but you can see the bloat.  Other than my one pair of loose work pants, I have yet to put on anything that has much of a waistband.  I am guessing my days of regular jeans are over.

another bleed and home on bedrest.

Last night as I got up from my desk at work I felt another small gush.  Luckily it was much slower than Saturday's and I had time to gather the rest of my stuff and head to the bathroom (remember my car is still in the shop, and so is my office key, so I didn't want to risk being locked out without my things).  I passed another small clot, about the size the ER doctor said I'd pass.  I wasn't panicked, more inconvenienced and worried that it would get worse, so I tried calling my OB's afterhours line.  What a clusterfuck.  I had to push option #2 at least 4 times until it actually put me through to the physician on call, who of course wasn't available and then it started asking for a 10 digit code.  WTF.   Thank god for my RE's office, who has a real person answering the phone at all times, and the regular nurses there until 6.  I spoke to a nurse and she offered to wait for us and do a scan.  I love those guys so much...I know they stayed late just for me.  Baby stills look good and super active.  I had another slightly larger gush as I got out of the car at the doctors.  So glad I made DH swipe a few of the diaper sized pads from the ER, because my pants and my winter coat would have been done in without one.

Anyway, the bleed area had changed shape since Monday, and most of the active bleed was shifting directly toward my cervix, so the nurse decided that I should stay home from work until next week's appointment, in hopes that we can get this thing healed over and on its way to reabsorption.   They didn't seem any more concerned than before and I am doing okay today.  Last night was rough though.  I passed two more small clots and generally felt like crap.  I always swore that I'd never say I didn't like being pregnant, but I definitely hit a low point last night as I tried to fall asleep.  I never expected easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard emotionally and physically this early.  I think the tipping point is that I don't have a timeframe or point to work toward that is in the near future.  2nd tri won't necessarily change any of this, and that is no fun at all, but at least I'll be that much closer to having an outside baby.

baby still looks good

I called my RE this morning with long list of questions, and they offered to just have me come in so they could take a look at things.  The baby looked great, we were able to a good strong kick, a profile shot with a little nose, and the spine before it returned to it's bouncing and flip routine.  The heartbeat is back up to 178, but the nurse said that was normal and I think their equipment was acting up as well.

She said the bleed from the SCH was substantial, but the good news was that it was over my cervix and away from the placenta.  I could see it as soon as she inserted the wand...a long semi-circle of black.  One tiny bit of the placenta is lifted up, but it is nothing to be concerned about.  I will mostly likely have continued bleeding for a while though, and there is one rather large clot in there that she said I probably will not pass.   This week was supposed to be our last week with them, but they agreed to do an u/s next week as well, so between that, the NT scan on 27th, and my next OB appt on the 5th....I should be covered until 14 weeks, hopefully plenty of time to start breathing normally again.

Huge scare last night.

***TMI and graphic warning for those that are squeamish***

Last night as I was watching TV, I felt a warm gush, hurried to the bathroom and passed a clot almost half the size of my fist.  There was no pain or warning whatsoever.  Horrified, I stared at it, trying to decide if it could be the baby and if it was possible to have a complete miscarriage that fast with no cramps.  I went and got a baggie from the kitchen, but I couldn't bring myself to find out for sure what it was, exactly, I had passed.   R was running an errand and I knew he could be as far as 45 minutes away and my car broke on Wednesday (not that I was in any shape to drive myself).   I decided it would be better to secure a ride to the ER from someone who was closer before panicking him.  I called my mother (no answer) and R's parents and told them what was going on.  It turned out R was much closer to home than I thought, so he was able to take me.

At this point there didn't seem to be more blood or fluid, so I had put a pad on an laid on the couch until R came home.  When he came in I informed him of the clot and he retrieved it.  I do not know, nor did I ask, if he even looked at it.  At that point I didn't want to know...it was better to cling to hope.  We headed to the ER, I managed to walk in while he parked the car, and felt another huge gush before I could even make it to the counter.  I cut in front of the people waiting as politely as I could and informed the nurse I was 10 weeks and bleeding a lot.  They took me and the towel I was carrying and sat me in a wheelchair in a hallway and got my vitals.  Turns out, I should have gone to labor and delivery, but all we could think of was emergency = ER.  So finally after 20 minutes of nurses trying to get an escort to wheel me the one mile of hallways to L&D, I had to ask when I was getting moved and one of them took me.  Luckily, my bleeding seemed to subside as long as I was sitting.

We got to L&D and by this time I was starting to feel abdominal cramps, but they felt like intestinal pains so I wasn't sure what to think.  Honestly, I wasn't thinking much at all.  I had gone numb shortly after it all started, though my blood pressure was 138 (normally 110).  I talked to one of the REs on the phone and he said it was very unusual for someone at my stage in pregnancy to have a miscarriage this quickly when we'd seen a healthy baby twice this past week.

They finally got us in a room and I changed into a gown, passed some more tissue, though this was clearly just blood, and waited for the doctor.  About an hour after we initially arrived in the ER, the doctor came in and started the exam.  I held R's hand and stared at the ceiling, so sure it was over.  I looked at the doctor's face, trying to read some typed of emotion, but he was a pro.  He said he needed to take some measurements, but he wanted to show us what he was looking at, and he turned the screen to show us  a large blob.  I asked "Is that my baby?" and said "thank you god" and started to cry when he said yes.  I asked about the heartbeat just as he said "right here".  It was beating away at 161.  I looked up at R and had tears running down his face as well.

Our diagnosis - subchorionic hematoma.  The majority of it was what I had passed first, but he said there was still another small clot, about an inch and a half in size, remaining and that I may or may not pass it, but that I should expect bleeding for the next few days.  Today it does seem a bit lighter, I did not sleep well at all.  I was terrified to get up and go to the bathroom during the night for fear of another huge gush, but I did, and other than what seemed like some medium menstrual flow level blood, there were no more incidents.  Today I am taking it easy and I will probably take off work tomorrow just to give it an extra day to heal and give me time to speak to my doctors again.  I'm hoping they will extend my monitoring period, because I think this week was my final week with the RE.

We are remaining positive, but this certainly knocked me down a few rungs.  What little security I had is gone and it will take a while to build it back up, but for right now we are ok.

10 weeks

I've made it to double digits!!  Even this far it sometimes doesn't seem real.  I'm so grateful to have made it a quarter of the way through.  Part of me worries that I'm spending too much time looking ahead to the next week, praying I'll make it, rather than enjoying the present.  I'm hoping once I hit 2nd tri I'll really be able to relax.  I don't want this whole pregnancy to pass me by and realize I just wished the time away and rushed through it.  It sometimes feels like a race, and if I slow down, stop, or heaven forbid, fall....I will get left in the dust and never make it back on my feet.   I'm trying to focus on more personal happy points in our pregnancy, rather than just medical milestones...so week 12 is when we will be telling R's family, and the start of 2nd tri is when we will be telling all my friends (hopefully they will all make it to the New Year's Eve party).

We had our first monthly appt. with my OB.  As much as infertility sucks, I am spoiled rotten with my RE's ultrasounds.  The OB brought in a little portable one and did an abdominal scan....I could hardly see the baby!  It didn't help that the little guy was bouncing all over the place and trying to escape the wand, but I can't imagine my only picture being this blurry indistinguishable blob.  I'm guessing if I had been a regular patient they would of had a better machine, but maybe not.   I also was able to find the heartbeat on our home doppler last night.  I feel a little guilty because R wasn't there, but I didn't think I'd have success either.  It was very cool to hear.

Saw the baby move!!

We had an absolutely wonderful u/s today.  At first we could just see the arms and legs, but then the baby started wiggling around!  I can't even put into words how amazing it was to watch.  I could have stayed there all day.  And we could see little hands!!  So adorable.   I flipped this pic so you can look at the baby rightside up instead of sideways.  You can see the head, then little hands, part of the body, and then the legs/feet.

9 week u/s

Here is the photo from 9 weeks.  I put little lines pointing to the arms, but the nurse really didn't make much of an effort to get a good shot.  I go back in tomorrow for the next u/s with my RE, and then again on Friday with my OB, so hopefully we'll get some better pics soon.

9 weeks

It is hard to believe I've made it this far already.  Our u/s yesterday went well, but we had the same nurse as last week so none of the warm fuzzies we get from other nurses.  The heart rate is up to 181 now and it should drop and level off within the next few weeks.  During the scan we could see where the arms and legs were, but unluckily the pictures we got don't show it too well (I'll upload it later, waiting for R to scan it). 

I finally gave in and bought B-natal vitamins/pops for the nausea.  I've been taking one in the morning and at night and I think they are helping a little.  Last night I still couldn't bring myself to eat anything for dinner, so chocolate milk it was.  I also had my first migraine since being pregnant, so I spent the majority of the day home in bed since the only thing I was told I could take was extra strength Tylenol.  Since I knew that wouldn't even touch the pain I didn't even bother.

I did break down and take my first "bump" picture yesterday.  Obviously there is nothing showing yet, but I figured 9 weeks would be a good place to start so I can see the changes when they do happen.  Amazingly enough, I was able to get a picture that didn't make me look too much like a bloated whale.

8 weeks

A few days late posting u/s pics, but I've been exhausted, and holidays don't help.  Thanksgiving went fine.  We managed to keep any suspicions to a minimum at the in laws by drinking non-alcoholic wine decanted into a real wine bottle.  Not very good...tasted like sour apple juice, but it did the trick.  Of course, not knowing I was pregnant, MIL happily puffed away on 3 cigarettes in the 3.5 hours we were there...one of which she smoked within 10 feet of SIL's sleeping 4 month old.  WTF at all them.  That shit will not fly when it is my baby, I don't care if it is her house.

Before heading to the in laws, we spent some time with my family and I was able to tell my sister, which was awesome.  She was the first person we told that was completely surprised, so she jumped and gave me giant hug.

By 6pm I was done and nausea was threatening to turn worse.  I still have not been sick, but I've had a few close calls, usually triggered by smell.  After coming home to feed the pets and do my PIO shot, we headed back out to say hello to R's best friend and his wife since they were visiting family from out of town.  On the drive there I had my first round of serious nausea that came from no where.  I made it through the evening without any disasters though.

On Wednesday we had our 8 week u/s and the baby looks great but the appointment was nothing fabulous.  We had the nurse that I've previously referred to as dead fish nurse, because she has no personality at all.  Oddly enough, she was the nicest she's ever been, but when she left, R said he didn't like her, so I filled him in on my nickname for her.   Tuesday night I had a little light spotting that I'd attributed to a "sleep-gasm" as I've heard them called, the night before.  Everything looked good during the scan, with the heartbeat up to 169, so hopefully I won't have any more issues like that.

filling out paperwork

The amount of redundancy in the medical industry is just mind blowing, but I suppose it is better to be safe than sorry, and yes, obviously some things have changed since I filled out all this paperwork for my OB as a regular patient last year.

I called Friday to let my OB's office know I was pregnant and that I would be released from my RE in December.  You would have thought I told them I was due tomorrow.  She set me up for an appointment today, had me call the RE to fax all my records over, and directed to the large amount of forms available for download on the website.

As I was filling out the paperwork, there were a few things I needed from R, such as his current job title (his are about as accurate as mine, so I rarely remember them).   I told him the form asked for the father's occupation.

R:  who?  my father?
Me: no hon, you're the father now.

This is clearly still sinking in.  :)

7 week u/s

It went great!  I had been worried because everything I've read says the heartbeat should be between 90-120 at 6 weeks, so we were on the low end at 89.   Today it was up to 138!!  It was amazing to see how much growth there was is just one week.  You still can't see a whole lot (the round blob at the upper end is the yolk sac), and naturally the scanner at work is total crap so all I've got right now is a hurried picture taken at my desk before anyone noticed.  I will replace this with a better scan tonight.

Our baby is up to 1cm.  The nurse said the head of the baby is up next to the yolk sac  and that tiny little thing sticking out at the bottom is a leg bud starting to form!  All in all it was a great appointment and I feel like I can really relax now...at least for a few days.  Our next u/s will be next Wednesday.

On to other things.  I still haven't had many symptoms.  My back has been bothering me the past few days.  I've always had issues with back pain...hopefully this won't get too bad.  I really don't want to have to go back to acupuncture.   Morning sickness has been threatening to appear.  I drove to my appointment with a plastic bag in my lap today.  Apparently eggs for breakfast and then getting right in the car aren't a good combo right now.   My PIO shots started really hurting earlier this week, so last night I did it myself in an area we don't use as much and it was fine, so we are going to have to be more careful to vary injection sites.



operation "fake drink" succeeded.

At least we think it did.  This past weekend we went out with all my close friends to celebrate 2 30th birthdays.   We went up to Atlantic City to go out to dinner and wander around the casinos.  Luckily we got to the restaurant before they were able to seat us, so during that time R was able to order me two cranberry and clubs with lime, the second of which I nursed through dinner.  I was asked once or twice what I was drinking and responded with cranberry and vodka, one of my usuals.   R apparently got a few "hows the baby-making going?" questions during dinner at the guys end of the table, but he was able to answer vaguely enough to not arouse any suspicions.

I will say that I did not think the casino idea through very much.  Even not pregnant I wouldn't have wanted to be in that smoky mess, but I didn't really have much choice at that point so I just did my best to find the clearest air.  At least a migraine became a super legitimate reason that I didn't drink anything there.

So, either all my friends have figured it out, but know we don't want them to know, so they are being really good at pretending they don't...or we did a really great job of fooling them.   The next test is this Saturday with all the same people at a friend's house.  This should be a little trickier, because I'm usually playing bartender and whipping up all the awesome drinks.

A better u/s pic

This one is a little better.  The nurse also told us that because I have a tilted uterus and the baby is still so small, it is further away from the u/s wand and my u/s will be more grainy than usual.  The upper picture is what we saw when she measured the heart rate.

We have a heartbeat!!

Yesterday was my 6 week u/s and it was what I hoped for.  As soon as the nurse started the scan, this tiny little blob popped up and started flashing away.  It was the most beautiful sight and I fully admit to getting all teary eyed.  I'm still waiting on R to use his home office scanner on the actual u/s printout, but here is a lesser quality pic I took with my camera.

The heart was beating at 89bpm, which the nurse said was great for this early, and I'm measuring 6weeks 1 day, so a day ahead!   I feel like I can finally relax for a bit.  After the appointment I went and bought 2 pregnancy books.  Not sure how much I can get out of them at this point.  One has suggested exercises for each week, which I can't do because I'm still on limited activity and pelvic rest.  I think the most useful parts at this point are the developmental descriptions.  Right now eyelids are starting to form and the hand plates are beginning to form.

Told my parents!

Finally.  We had wanted to wait until we knew things were at least off to a good start.  I had been hoping to have them over for dinner this past weekend, but they were busy, I got a terrible cold, and R was called in to work ridiculous hours.  So we ended up just stopping by their house last night.  No fancy announcement, but it didn't matter, they were both thrilled.  My Dad even joked that he sees triplets in our future.  Um, no.

Two more days until our next ultrasound and I'm trying not to be nervous, but I really hope we see a heartbeat.   Yesterday I started have more frequent cramping.  Not sure if it was because I was coughing, blowing my nose, and sneezing all weekend or what, but its something new.  They don't feel like AF cramps, but then its been so long since I had a normal AF I don't remember what the regular cramps feel like, just the really bad ones, and these are nothing like those.  They feel like the mild cramps I had after my last Hysteroscopy, and also like the cramps I had Friday night and Saturday morning after the transfer, which I think were implantation cramps.  So hopefully that means everything is burying in further, and not detaching.

I think I also had my first experience with round ligament pain (RLP) last night.  I woke up and attempted to roll from my back to my side, which resulted in a stabbing/searing pain a few inches to the left of my belly button.  It took at least 5 seconds to subside, but it was too high to be related to the cyst on my ovary.  I am hoping this is a good sign too.

F cancer.

Yesterday I found out a friend lost her battle with stomach cancer on Friday night.  She was an e-friend that I'd met once in the 4 years I've known her, but her impact on those who knew her was great.  She had a smile that could light up a whole room.  Her stories....they would leave everyone laughing and retelling them for weeks, even months later.  She exuded class and beauty and had a truly warm heart.   She was a wonderful wife and would have made an amazing mother.   The stars shine a little bit brighter tonight because she is among them.  She will be greatly missed.

5 week u/s

I have to be honest, while we were thrilled to see something, it was not the teary joy-filled moment I'd somehow built it up to be.  At first you couldn't see anything at all, so the nurse had to adjust the u/s wand a number of times and push at all kinds of uncomfortable angles to find the sac, but at least that means it is well buried in my lining.   I had really hoped to see the yolk sac, but no such luck.  The nurse said at exactly 5 weeks what we did see (the gestational sac) was what she would expect.  Next week we should be able to see the heartbeat, which is the next big milestone we are holding our breaths for. 

Here is the beautiful little gestational sac.

She also checked my ovaries.  My right one looks great, with a couple small cysts from where they drained the follicles.  My left one, however, has a huge cyst at 24mm, which the nurse made seem as though it was expected, but it means I'm still on limited activity and no sex.  She said it should shrink by about 8 weeks or so. 

beta #3

I wasn't nervous at all when I had my blood drawn, so I didn't plan on waiting in the office for the results.  One of the nurses that has done a lot of my monitoring saw me and said congratulations, and said she'd call me as soon as the results were in.  Apparently she must have forgotten this though, because I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm and was seriously starting to worry myself sick, so I called and was told another nurse was just sitting down to review the day's lab results and I should get a call soon.  1.5 hours later I finally got my results...2742 or something really close to that.  She gave me a minor heart attack by accidently reading monday's results instead so I wasn't completely focused when she gave me the right number.   Our first ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon.

We have doubling!

I went in as early as possible this morning and I asked if I could wait for the results.  I was told it would be about an hour, which was fine, so I settled in with a magazine.  About an hour later, done with the magazine, I still had no results and also nothing left to occupy myself (Time and Sports Illustrated just wasn't going to cut it) so I resorted to staring at the walls, floor and fiddling with my phone...trying not to get to nervous.  The wait for beta #1 is hard enough, but waiting for the second results is pure torture.  You already know you are pregnant, but is it still going up?  is it over already?  will you be left with inconclusive results?  The longer I sat there the worse it got.  And of course, while I waited, some twat with 3 kids comes in, drags them and her husband back to her appt., and loudly mentions to the receptionist on her way out that she is 8 weeks pregnant.  WTF?  If you can't find/afford a babysitter now, you shouldn't be having more.  I don't care if you think it is a family event, an 8 week u/s is no place for siblings to be, and sure as hell not in an infertility clinic.  Dumbass.

Anyway, after about an hour and a half the nurse called me back (well, not really, she just took me around a corner and gave me the news in the hallway...since it was good).  My beta is now 1031.6...that is a 232.56% increase from Friday and the nurse said they look for a 60% increase!  I go back for beta 3 on Wednesday and my first ultrasound should be Thursday or Friday.  I can't wait!!

beta #1

Is 310!!! Holy shit, that is more than twice what I was hoping for.  According to beta base, 137 is the average HCG level for 15dpo.  Now I realize my levels are probably a little higher because fertilization occurred the day I'm counting as O day, but not that much higher.  I am so happy that it is that high!  I go back in on Monday.  Fingers crossed for doubling!!

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT.

And so they are:

Actually, this test is from yesterday.  As you can see by all the posts that just magically appeared, I've been getting positives since Monday.  I just wanted to be sure it was real before going public.

And to celebrate, I carved a pumpkin in honor of my BFP.  I plan on telling my parents by showing them this picture,  I'm not sure they'll get it right away, but I think it is a cute idea.

8dpt

8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops.


I took another FRER this morning and I was pleased to see it was darker than Monday's FRER.  The cheapies sort of look like they are getting darker, but it is hard to tell because...well, they're cheap.
 
I saw my accupuncturist today.  I told her about the positive tests and her response was "well, be careful...it could still be just chemical at this point".  WTF lady?  My first one was chemical and you knew that, you don't think I don't realize that?  First the RE receptionist and now her.  I'm trying to stay positive here.  Why is it that everyone acts like it is not real???

7dpt

7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops

It has been less than 24 hrs and its already killing me trying to keep this a secret.  Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops, the other half is terrified that the stupid nurse might be right.  I called this morning to see if I could move my beta, and she said friday was the earliest they'd do it "because the medication could still be in your system".  I tested out the trigger, yes, I used the cheapies but it was blank on transfer day and I've had almost non-visible evap lines since then.  I don't think the level of trigger shot can vary day to day.  Today is 14 days past the trigger shot, I am almost positive this is real, but that little seed of doubt is keeping me from officially announcing.   I'm hoping I can hold it in until Thursday..that is when my little timeline says HCG is high enough to be detected on an HPT, and I know you all will want answers once I post that.

sooo....

This is a secret post for now.  But after a very long emotional day, I tested again when I got home.  You know, just to see.   The first cheapie had a faiint 2nd line come in within time window but it wasn't dark enough to be sure, I've had evaps/false alarms that dark.  So I used a second cheapie...also a second line.  I still was not convinced enough to break out the FRER, but there was no way I was going to be able to wait and see tomorrow morning, so I used my last clearblue test.  At first it looked liked all the others, nothing but that stupid blue evap line...but after a few seconds it looked a little darker.  After a minute or so it was definately darker than an evap line.  So I used the FRER.  I got a faint second line.   All that freaking out was for nothing.  I even got a positive digital.



The line on the FRER is hard to see but it is there.  I wish I could say I felt the same excitement as the first time I saw the word pregnant pop up on a digital, instead it was more of a satisfied feeling if that makes any sense.  We've made it this far, now on to the next hurdles.

6dpt

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood


All the stress and worry that I managed to not have too much of during this cycle has finally caught up with me.  I actually cried at work this morning.  Last week I added/changed some stuff on our website and it took me all freaking morning because people kept changing their minds about what should/shouldn't be on the main page.  So when boss came to me and said I had to change it again, the frustration was just too much and I ended up in tears.  I've been testing with crappy internet cheapies and other than an evap line or two, they have been negative.  So I was feeling depressed before I even left for work, and R said I need to stop reading the support boards because it doesn't help.  I told they do help, and then as I walked downstairs as said "you don't help".  Which, in the 2ww, is true.  He is wonderfully supportive at all other times, but for some reason he thinks I should have undying faith that everything is fine during each 2ww.  I try, but it usually only lasts until about 11dpo, when I start being realistic instead.  He came downstairs and we talked a bit before work, and he said I shouldn't get so worked up and that we still have a week until our beta and me stressing isn't going to help.  Of course I know that, but it doesn't make it much easier.

5dpt

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells


I don't really feel any different at all.  I've had some random cramping, but nothing I wouldn't normally have.  I suppose I shouldn't feel anything until we've reached the point where the embryo starts producing HCG, but I can't help beginning to lose a little hope.  Of course I made the mistake of lurking on one of the success after infertility boards, and there are women on there that got their BFP as early as 4dpt.   I realize that is not the norm, but my embryo was already hatching, shouldn't mine be ahead of the curve too?

3dpt

3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

So I haven't been sleeping so great, and I have a feeling it will just get worse.  I was unsure whether I should blog this, because it might be a bit TMI, but at the same time it is also funny, so I'm going for it.  After our transfer we were handed an instruction sheet with directions for bedrest.  The final two lines read:

No sexual intercourse and NOTHING in the vagina.  This also means NO ORGASM.

Now, when you are staring at a ceiling for 45 minutes, holding this paper with nothing else to do, the word vagina alone becomes hilarious enough.  The fact that the paper is telling me what I can and cannot put in my vagina is even funnier.  My bladder was not happy.

Anyway, I didn't think a whole lot about the instructions as they were pretty easy to follow.  Well, I forgot what happens when my body is amped up on hormones (self-made or injected/taken).  I should add here that I often wake up in the middle of a dream, then go back to sleep and continue with the same dream.  Wednesday night I woke up in the middle of a sex dream, started to fall back asleep, jolted myself awake and though "oh, shit! I can't have this dream!"  Yeah...never occurred to me that I might break the rules while sleeping.  Last night I managed to have dreams (nightmares?) about having sex dreams.  That was even more confusing...waking up from a dream while still dreaming.  And of course I dreamed that I couldn't wake up, woke up spotting and lost the embryo.  WTF

We have snowbabies!!!

The embryologist called right before lunch and told me we had 7 make it to freeze!!  I am so thrilled.  All along R and I told ourselves that we'd be really happy if we had 7 left....and we do!   They froze 2 on the day of transfer, 2 yesterday, and 3 today.  It is a huge relief knowing that if our little embie doesn't take, I don't have to go through a whole new cycle anytime soon.

2 days past transfer (dpt).

This is a timeline for what happens during/after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer.

this is what happens in a 3dt :
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5 day transfer:
- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So today hopefully my little blast is attaching to my lining.  Some time latter today I should find out if we had any embryos make it to freeze.  Fingers crossed!

full transfer story

So here is the longer version of yesterday.  I woke up early in anticipation of our final fertility report.  The first time they called at 8:30 and the second time was around 9:30 so I expected the call to be somewhere in there.  They still hadn't called by the time I left for my acupuncturist appointment at 10.  If you've seen He's Not That Into You and remember the scene where she is constantly looking at her phone even though it hasn't rung....yeah, that was me. 
I finally texted a friend I'd met through on of the message boards that had cycled at our clinic in March, because I was starting to freak out that something was wrong.  She reassured me that she didn't get her report until she went into the office for transfer, so I felt a little better.  At 11am I decided to call anyway, because I really wanted to know what we were working with before I was on the table deciding 1 vs. 2 embryos.   I talked to a lab tech and she wasn't able to tell me much of anything, only that they'd selected a few for possible transfer and were still watching others.  She couldn't even give me a total count of surviving embryos.   So I this point I go into complete meltdown mode, on the drive home from my acupuncturist mind you.  It wasn't so much just the lack of embryo detail, but I think it was the breaking point for me for everything.  I'd done so well up to this point and I was terrified of it all going to hell.  I spent the entire 30 minute drive crying/fighting tears.  I kept telling myself to toughen up and stop because if R saw me all red eyed when I walked in he'd think they all arrested on us.  Luckily he was upstairs working and I had time to re-check my paperwork, which said they'd give the final report prior to transfer, rather than specifying the morning of transfer like I had thought.  Lesson learned, re-read before freaking out.

So the transfer itself went fairly easily.   I forgot to factor in lunch still sitting in my stomach when I timed my water drinking, so it hadn't quite made it all the to my bladder when they first checked me and we had to wait an extra 10 minutes or so.   They took me back to the same creepy room they used for the retrieval, but at least this time R was with me and there was no unnerving asshat of an anesthesiologist bumbling around.

One of the other four REs did the transfer.  He came in and spoke with us briefly about our embryos and reiterated that it is the clinic's policy to only transfer one embryo.   I asked if the quality of the recommended embryo was high to give us good success rates with a single transfer...his response was that he gives all couples a 50/50 chance no matter what....gee, thanks.   I should have straight up asked him what grade it was, but since I didn't know enough about grading to help us with our decision right then we just went with his advice.

The transfer itself didn't take too long.  We were able to see the blob of fluid our embryo was get injected into my uterus.  Then they moved me over to a gurney and rolled me back to the recovery area, where I had to stay, lying down, for 45 minutes....with a full bladder.  The nurse said if I couldn't make it, to send R to the nurses station and they'd help me use a bedpan.  There was no way I was going to let that happen, so I managed to hold it, while trying not to laugh at R or anything else.  Very difficult when you have nothing to do but stare at a ceiling.   Once my time was up I got dressed and booked it down the hallway to the main bathroom, which was thankfully empty.  There was a bathroom right next to recovery, but it was primarily the collection room, complete with magazines and a TV.  This of course, was the butt of many of R's jokes as I waited to get up, since we'd never seen/used it, which, needless to say, was not something I planned on doing then.

embryo transfer is complete!

I will post a longer version tomorrow, or just edit this post, because today was not without stress, but I am too tired now.  We transferred one embryo.  I do not know the grade, but was told it was a high enough quality that our chances were good with just one.

Our embryo:



There was one more good blast that will probably be frozen today and another 8-9 they are still watching.

Day 3 fertility report.

This morning I actually woke up from a nightmare crying.  I had a dream that the embryologist called and said only 5 embryos were still alive and they were all 1 cell and none would make it to day 5.  It took me a minute or two to wake up and realize it wasn't real, but naturally I couldn't get back to sleep knowing that the real call would be coming in a few hours.

So the real report was much better than we expected.  All 17 all still dividing and are in various stages.  I didn't ask for exact numbers, for once I'm okay without all the facts, one less thing to worry about.  My paperwork says they should be between 4 and 8 cells by now.   R asked if it was unusual for all of them to still be alive and I told him I have no idea (anyone know?).  It's not exactly something I'd ask on one of the support boards, where many would love to have a report like that, no questions asked.

I also talked to one of the REs.  Ever since the ER, I've more or less been feeling like crap.  No fever and no weight gain (a miracle I haven't figured out yet) so I didn't think it was OHSS, but something clearly wasn't right.  I've had terrible stomach and abdominal pains for almost 4 days now.  It hurts to eat and it hurts more when my bladder is full (a problem for the transfer).  The RE said it was most likely the doxycycline that I'm taking, so I should stop that and call them back if it doesn't improve or is worse by tomorrow.

Day 1 fertility report!

Are you ready???

We have......17 embryos!!!!!

R and I had both been hoping for that many, so we are very happy!  Our next report will be on Sunday and the final report will be Tuesday morning before our transfer.  We are hoping at least 7 make it to freeze.  We will wait until the final fertility report to decide how many to transfer, but assuming everything is good we will transfer one.

Also, R gave me my first PIO shot last night and it wasn't bad at all.  I lay on a heating pad for about 5 minutes beforehand and again after.  I can't even feel a lump now.  Hopefully they are all like that.

21 eggs!!!

We are so happy with that number!

I wasn't nervous going in to the office, but once I got there and they took me back to the IVF rooms (never been back there before) I got nervous.  Of course as soon as I went back they wheeled the patient before me past, looking miserable.  Then they stuck us in this creepy rather bare room with chair, a locked medical storage cabinet, some other built supply cabinets like normal offices, and what I will call the horror movie chair.  It had the same teal cushions as all the exam tables, but it was like a sawed off dentists chair with foot stir-ups..  And nothing around it but a small light.  I can only assume that is the transfer room.

So the nurse moved me to another area to check my vitals and get me changed.  I briefly met with my RE, which made me feel better because I didn't know which RE would be doing the retrieval, but she has been in there several times before so I was more comfortable knowing it would be her.  I also met the anesthesiologist, whom I told about my very high tolerance for all pain meds and anesthesia (can you see where this is going?) Then they take me to another room, which was also semi-creepy because it did not look like any surgical procedure type room I've ever been.  Oh, and there was a big sign outside the heavy door that said "Procedure Room"  how vague and ominous is that?   So at the far end of this room is the table, with braces for my legs.   I get up on and lay down and the anesthesiologist starts trying to get the IV in.

You may remember that both my hands have bruises from failed b/w attempts.  The larger of these is on my left hand, which is, of course, where he started.  It was extremely painful when he put the needle in, and I was gripping the nurses hand and staring at the ceiling trying not to burst into tears (partly from the pain and partly because of nerves).  Finally it felt better...I glanced down at my hand and...no IV!  Instead there is bloody gauze pad taped to my hand and the anesthesiologist is muttering and moving around to my right side.  So I had to go through that painful crap again.  He did have success with my right hand and everyone said I'd be getting a nice "cocktail" soon and wouldn't feel a thing.  Um, wrong.

My RE walked in shortly after the IV was in place, took one look at my hands and sympathetically said "you called it" (I had expressed concern to her earlier about that).  She also said I'd be feeling fine in no time.  She had told me earlier that I'd probably feel some of the beginning stuff such as the fluid for the abdominal ultrasound, so I didn't think too much of it when I could feel the speculum go in.  At this point I was getting some drugs, which just made me feel more relaxed and semi-dizzy.  Shortly after the speculum was in, I began to feel sharp pinching pains, which I realized was the needle retrieving my eggs.  Mind you, my RE specifically reassured me that I'd be semi-awake but feel NO PAIN.  Yeah, it wasn't jump off the table awful, but it felt like being stuck with a bloodwork needle on the inside.  When I said (or perhaps mumbled something incoherent) that I could feel the needle, my RE said "we are almost done".  After that they must have upped my meds, because I do not remember being wheeled out into the recovery area.

Afterword I was just really tired and dizzy.  I wasn't in a whole lot of pain, but I felt pretty bloated.  Right now it just feels like horrible intestinal pains, which, in all honestly, is actually what some of it is.

Tomorrow we will get our first fertility report!

Trigger wasn't that bad

At 8:40 last night I started mixing everything up.  The Novarel powder took longer to dissolve than the Bravelle did. Gentle twisting on a flat surface did not do the trick, I ended up having the raise the vial to the light and turn gently side to side to get the last of the powder off the bottom.  R did the injection.  I stood in our kitchen leaning slightly against a bar stool and we counted to 3.  On 3 the needle was in and I thought, oh that wasn't bad at all.  After the injection it did get a little sore, and it turns out R forgot to check for blood before injecting, so that could be why.  It feels like a mild bruise below the injection site today but it really isn't as bad as I expected.  I imagine that once I have a whole bunch of PIO injections it will be worse, but I am very relieved the needle didn't hurt.

Less than 24 hrs until egg retrieval!!

Triggering tonight!!

I had follie check #7 today.  I have 9 follies on the right and at least 10 on the left.  My E2 was 2400 so I am triggering tonight at 8:45pm and we will be back in the office Thursday morning for our egg retrieval!!  I am so excited to be moving to the next step!

almost there, check #6

I was with one of the nurses I really like this morning, so I told her the mixed responses I had over the weekend and she said she'd see if she could really give a better idea of where we are.  My lining looks good, I didn't see the number, but I could see it looked better on the screen.  My left ovary looks huge, I'm still amazed I feel mostly okay.  The biggest follie was 17x20, and the right ovary had a 17 too.  Of course it will depend on my b/w results, but the nurse said I'd trigger Wednesday at the very latest, most likely tomorrow and a very slight chance of tonight if my E2 has shot up too high.  I did ask about how many follicles looked mature enough to get an egg, and she said today there would be between 15-20.  I have 12 on the left and 9 on the right.  I'd guess all 9 on the right will be mature enough, and 2 or 3 on the left that won't make the cut off by tomorrow.

I have learned the hard way that diet really matters during stims.  I figured it would, so I've basically stuck to Phase 1 & 2 of the South Beach diet so far (mostly phase 1).  This past weekend I had a 30th birthday party, a baby shower and then ended up getting stuck going out to eat while shopping with a friend.  I've gained 4lbs of bloat since yesterday morning, so I will not be eating french fries again any time soon.

***********
My E2 is up to 2072, keeping my meds the same and going back in tomorrow.

"not quite there" check #5

Today was a little better u/s wise.  It was the same RE but she measured my lining in a different spot today at 8.2, so at least somewhere in there it is thicker.   She said everything was growing, but I was not quite there.   Unluckily, when the nurse called back, not quite there means several more days.  My E2 is up to 1434.   I am feeling pretty good, but I do not know how I'll make it through 3+ more days of bloodwork.  Yesterday the tech stuck me in my left arm and lost the vein, so she had to poke around a find it again.  It was still bleeding when I tried to take the gauze off 3 hours later.  So today she tried the right arm today and couldn't get the vein at all.  Then she stuck my left hand (remember the right hand still has a bruise from a blown vein on Wed) and I swear she hit the bone.  I started tearing up and almost full out crying in the chair.  She had to get another tech to come look and they finally got blood from the same vein as yesterday.

4th follie check

Today was my 4th follie check and I saw one of the 4 REs (usually it is a nurse). This one is known for being blunt, so I guess I got a reality check of sorts. She measured my lining which was only 6.2 and that was fine because I was probably still early. So I guess that 7.3 was just a fluke.  I feel like we are no better off than before now.  Then she looked at my right ovary and asked if this was my first time back for monitoring!! It sounded like she didn't think I'd even made a weeks worth of monitoring progress.   There was a huge back up in the office today, about 13 people were waiting when we got there.  Needless to say, she didn't bother to count the follies, only agreed with prior numbers.   I could see that the Ganirelix had kept the biggest one at 15, so hopefully we won't lose that one because it is too big after trigger  . I am so depressed about my lining though, it is no thicker than it was for my IUIs and I've heard "it will thicken up later on" too many times to believe anymore. So it looks like I have several more days of stims, maybe more.  I did ask if Wednesday was the earliest I would trigger and she said probably.

*******
My E2 is up to 1102, so we are slowly getting there.  I go back in tomorrow.

Follie check #3

After 8 days of stims, I have about 7 follicles on the right and 10-12 on the left.  I had some 10s, a few 12s, a 13 and the biggest at 15.   I doubt I'll get to be average and only stim for 10 days.  Boo.   The nurse I don't care for did the u/s and measured my lining at only 6.3, but I don't think that was right.  Hopefully a nurse I like better calls back with my b/w results so I can ask if they have an idea of when I might trigger.   I didn't feel like asking the nurse there.

********
My E2 is at 701 and I go back in tomorrow.

Started the Ganirelix

So I am now giving myself 3 (sometimes 4 when I have to switch Follistim cartridges) shots a night now.  I figure it will all be pretty much downhill from here as far as comfort level goes.  The shots themselves don't hurt much more than the Bravelle unless I hit a vein, in which case it burns immediately and I find a new spot.  I've come to realize though, that all 3 burn like bitch for 20-some minutes after, and I know at least the HCG and Follistim hurt even worse if the injection sites are close together.  So I am injecting one shot each on the left and right of my belly button, and the HCG below it, in hopes of spreading out the pain. 

General discomfort has really started too.  I don't eat much in one sitting because my belly area feels full at all times, so I only eat enough to not be hungry and I try to eat small snacks throughout the day so I'm not depriving myself of needed nutrition.  If I walk to quickly or move around too much my ovaries start whining in protest.  It sort of feels like ovulation pains, not quite as sharp, but the persistence makes it just as bad.  Remember those commercials with the talking stain?  It's kind of like that, only inside my head.  I'll be in the office trying to talk to a vendor all I get is "blah, blah blah, blah...you wish you could focus on the convo, but all you can think about is meeee!" from my ovaries.   I really, really hope I can trigger by Tuesday, because I don't know how I'll make it through another whole week of this.

follie check #2

This will be short because it hurts to type.  The lab tech couldn't find a vein in either arm so she went with my hand.  The vein blew as soon as she stuck the needle in so now I have a big bruise that hurts like a bitch every time I move my hand.

Everything looks good, righty has about 6 follies with the biggest about 9, and lefty is the rockstar with at least 10 follies, several around 8/9 and the biggest at 10.  My lining was 7.2ish so that is also right on track.  I am starting to get a little uncomfortable now, but no bloat weight gain yet.  The nurse said I will probably start the Ganirelix tonight, so I will really start to feel things in the next few days.

First follie check!

My first of many monitoring appointments was this morning.  If you've followed my blog from the beginning, you are probably already bracing yourself for bad news, because in general, my early monitoring results tend to suck, especially my lining.  I went in prepared to find that my lining was so thin that my uterus had sealed itself shut and closed for business permanently.  Surprisingly, this time, the nurses were actually right and in 3 short days it went from 4.8 (before heavy AF) to a normal 5.8.  Lets hope that trend continues.   My right ovary didn't seem to have a whole lot going on, but I could see a few small black dots, which the nurse counted to about 5-8 follicles.  My left was doing a little better, with 8-10 follicles, the biggest 2 at 8 and 6.  No idea how good this is, but I am pretty happy with it.   So far I am feeling pretty good.  AF was a beast of course, but I have lost about 6lbs of water weight since stopping BCPs.  Have I said how much I hate those things?  The follistim pen takes a little getting used to, and the first 2 nights of stims left me with some tiny bruises, but they don't really hurt.

*******
The nurse called back, my E2 level is 182...so I get tomorrow off and go back in Wednesday.

2 years

That is how long we've been TTC.  I went back at looked at what has gotten where we are today.

• 562 basal temperatures
• well over 100 OPKs
• at least 40 negative pregnancy tests
• about 10 evap lines
• 4 positive pregnancy tests
• 1 chemical pregnancy
• 63 RE appointments, including:
• 2 sonohysterograms
• 1 hysterosalpingogram
• 1 Laparoscopy
• 1 mock transfer
• 2 physical exams
• 5 baseline exams
• 21 monitoring exams
• 1 progesterone check
• 2 cd 3 bloodwork panels
• 2 female infertility bloodwork panel
• 2 genetic testing panels
• 9 beta/quantitative panels
• approximate grand total of 54 vials of blood (for me, 8 for R)
• 2 sperm analyses
• 1 sperm freeze
• 2 rounds of Clomid
• 23 Bravelle injections
• 3 trigger shots
• 3 IUIs (first was back to back IUIs)
• 110 Endometrin suppositories
• 67 birth control pills
• roughly 2000 pre-natal vitamins (prenatal, DHA tablet, extra folic acid)

baseline is done!

I took my last BCP on Sunday and today was my baseline scan and our injection training.  The training went pretty quickly.  R has finally realized exactly what I'm going to be subjected to for this.  He had to practice giving the intra-muscular trigger shot (same needle as PIO shot) on this rubber thing they had.  Even though I told him many times, it didn't really sink in just how big these needles are, or that he would be sticking them and inch and a half into his wife....for 10 weeks if all goes well.

R also dropped off his back-up sperm sample on Monday for freezing.  I asked what his numbers were and they gone way up since last year SA!

Last year's:
count = above 30 million (anything over 20mil is normal)
motility = 53% (over 50 is normal)
morph = 7% (between 5 and 14 is normal)

Monday's:
count = 84 million
motility = 54%
morph = 12%

And that is just for back-up, hopefully the fresh one will be even better.  I am really pleased that the morph went up, that was always one area of concern for me, even though the RE always said it was fine.

So....Friday both R and I start doxycycline for 5 days, and I start my Follistim and low-dose HCG.  Speaking of which, it is a good thing I drug all those meds in to be checked, because despite my calling the office to double check I the right stuff when they came in, the pharmacy actually sent the trigger and not the low dose HCG.  They told me they'd send everything but the trigger.  So I need to call and have them overnight that now.

Meds are here!

This is almost all of them.  The trigger shot will be sent later (so one more small box).

Clockwise from top left: Follstim Pen w/ 600 IU and 900 IU cartridges, sharps container, 3 boxes of progesterone in sesame oil, estradiol pills, doxycycline, and methylprednilosone, needles for PIO, insulin needles for low dose HCG, needles to replace huge ass needle that came on PIO syringe, Ganirelix, Novarel, and finally, alcohol wipes.

And to prove I wasn't joking, here is a close up of the huge ass PIO syringe.  The 18 gauge needle shown can twist off and be replaced by a slightly smaller 22 gauge needle.  If you've ever seen a tongue ring, those are usually 12-14 gauge, just to give you an idea of how big 18 really is.

Mock transfer complete.

It wasn't as bad as I expected.  The worst part was, of course, the full bladder.  My appointment was at 10:15, so I started drinking water at 9am.  I was supposed to drink a total of 32oz., so I drank 16oz at home between 9 and 9:45, then took a water bottle with me and drank about 10oz of that...which, according to the nurse, was perfect.   My timing was pretty good too, because it didn't really hurt until I got to the office, so I was only uncomfortable for about 20 minutes or so.  The procedure itself was only a few minutes, but there was a minute or so in the beginning where all I could think of was R's joke at our consult about me peeing on the nurse, because let me tell you...when you have a full bladder, an ultrasound wand pushing on your abdomen, a speculum and a catheter between your legs, it becomes a frightening possibility.  I managed to hold it together and focus on the u/s screen, where I could actually see the catheter going in.  The next time I see that, it will be transferring our embryo!

the pharmacy called!!

As in, the big fancy pharmacy that handles my IVF medications!!   They wanted to set up a shipment date, but since my first IVF consult is this afternoon, I will call them back once I have my IVF calendar, because the low dose HCG is only good for 30 days.   So, I now know that I will be taking Ganirelix, Follistim and HCG as part of my protocol.  And of course I asked how much this order was depleting my lifetime max of 10K...the Follistim alone is about 5K.  Luckily I had a friend give me two unused cartridges of 600IU Follistim, so once the RE adjusts the order that should knock off about 2,500.  I am way more excited about this than I should be, but everything is really coming together!

hystero went well.

When I had my Lap there was some confusion about surgery time, so I was too rushed to notice much of the pre-surgery prep.  We reported to the surgery center at 11:30am and I had about an hour to kill this time, so when the took me back they gave one of those bair paws gowns, where they can attach a little air heater to the gown to keep you warm.  It was pretty neat but the air tickled a little bit and I kept have to readjust it because the connection piece was right above my knees.  The anesthesiologist came and talked to me and got my IV started.  They used my left hand, which hurt a bit and started a saline drip.  Well, apparently she started it on too heavy a drip speed because the next nurse turned it down, which much have made my veins constrict because my wrist and forearm started to burn.  So they turned it back up and it got better until a few minutes before surgery time and my IV bag ran out, then my arm hurt again.  So they got my a new bag and I was up and walking to the OR.

I had informed the anesthetist in pre-op that I had had a recent sciatica flare, so she told me they would position my legs before I was asleep so I could tell them if I was comfortable. Obviously I was aware my legs were strapped up during my Lap/hystero, but I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.  Thankfully I had blankets covering me while the nurse positioned them because there was no room left for imagination by the time she was done.

Once I was all strapped down, they gave me an oxygen mask and told me to breath deeply but I barely heard them because it was about this time that I felt a searing pain start up my arm (somewhere in there they told me they were starting anesthesia, but I must have been distracted by the giant padded boots my legs were strapped in).  They told me to take deep breaths again and I started swearing because it hurt so much.  My arm was on fire...all of it.  I wonder if the Twilight author had the same experience and used it for her "turning" description, because that pretty much summed it up.  By the time it reached my shoulder I seriously thought there was going to be permanent damage...luckily it actually kicked in at the same time and I was out.

When I woke up I was surprised to find that I had no abdominal pain.  I did, however, have a very dry and very sore throat, so ice chips were my first request.  After the nurse retrieved my ice chips and got R from the waiting room, I did have one round of sharp cramping, which she kindly gave a percocet and some ginger ale for.  I was kept in recovery for close to an hour from what R said, but it only felt like 20 minutes or so to me.

We were discharged around 2:30, and by the time I was home I was just feeling tired and groggy from the anesthesia so I slept most of the afternoon.  My throat is still a little sore and last night I could barely swallow my dinner.  The bleeding has mostly stopped and I am back at work for a few hours today.

pre-op today, surgery tomorrow

I had my pre-op today and I don't think it lasted 10 minutes.  Compared to my Lap/hystero this is nothing....I will be out for 45 minutes max and I shouldn't need any pain meds after.   I am not really concerned about it, I figured the worst pain would actually be my throat from intubation, but since it is so short, I will just have a flexible tube to keep my airway open in case of emergency.   She said I should be fine by this weekend and I even got the okay to use a tampon by Monday if I'm still spotting so I won't miss out on our final day of boating!

My sono wasn't clear.

I need another hysteroscopy, this time to remove fibroids.  I was completely got off guard when the nurse told me...I couldn't even hold back the tears.  I truly thought it would be all clear.   It will need to be done in the next few weeks, and luckily we won't need to delay our IVF, which is officially starting Oct. 1.  R talked to his insurance again and I will have coverage starting Sept. 1, so at least I got some good news today.   I have no idea how I'm going to juggle all these appointments for the next two months. My direct boss and big boss know the truth, but I don't want the rest of my office to know.  If this fails, it will be hard enough telling the few that do know.  I was counting on using another surgery as an excuse for the time out for ER and ET, but now that I have a real surgery I can't use that two months in a row.  Guess I'll be calling out sick with some unknown illness.   On top of all these appointments, I have two weddings, a bridal shower and a baby shower within the next two months as well.  Trying to figure out what shape I'll be in/how I'll feel at that time so I can RSVP now is a PIA.  I already know for sure that I'll have to give myself a PIO shot during wedding #2 because I'll most likely be in the 2ww at that point.

OMG FML

So I'm happily enjoying my  vacation and on day 3 of BCPs.  Yesterday I noticed something felt a little off, this morning I woke up with that acidic stomac feeling.  The middle of dinner tonight??? I had to make a mad dash for the bathroom.  Which is when I remembered this:
http://anelementofblank.blogspot.com/2009/10/bcps-suck-balls.html
FML.

cd1

I will officially start BCPs on Saturday.  Of course, that means my vacation starts with walking into a strange lab for cd3 b/w, but what can you do?  I also went ahead and scheduled my SHG...for the day after we come home.  I was planning to take a half a day off work because I know I'll be too tired from the day long drive on Sunday to go in at the normal time, so now I'll just take the whole day.  R already has it off as well, so if I feel like dragging him along I can.  Actually, I think I will, because after the sono we will schedule the next set of appointments, so it would be a good idea to have him there.  Not entirely sure how that will work, since we won't know if I have insurance coverage for September until the end of that week, but I guess we can reschedule it all if it falls through.

Now I get to go in for my annual review at work.  How am I supposed to provide goals for the next year when my real goal is to complete a successful IVF cycle, become a mom and not be here by this time next year?  Somehow I don't think that is what they are looking for.

should have said something...

I've mentioned multiple times that I post on several TTC and IF support boards.  A few days ago someone posted their BFP, but the beta was a little low and the progesterone was only 9 at 14dpo.  By the time I saw the post the person had already signed off, but I knew something was wrong.  I wanted to post and tell her to demand progesterone supplements, but I didn't want to be the debby downer in a happy post.  I didn't want to cause unecessary fear, because you never can be sure what will work out on its own.  Sadly, it didn't work out for her.  I can't say that the advice I had would have made a difference, but it kills me that I erred on the side of nice board etiquette and it might have.  Next time I'll risk being the downer.

refilled my BCPs

Even though it is part of moving on with IVF, it feels like a giant step backwards.  Two months of not TTC...no charting, no OPKs, no timing sex....and no hope of not needing IVF afterall.  My only saving grace right now is that we are leaving for vacation on Friday and will be gone for two weeks.  By the time I get back we will be busy scheduling my sonohysterogram (yes, I need another one....they prefer every six months actually) and checking with our insurance to see if I can switch over without lapse of coverage.  Then the many pre-IVF appointments will begin and before I know it, I'll be pumping my body full of uncomfortable hormone drugs again.   I think it would have been easier back in June, when I was closer to my IUI cycles and the regular pattern of appointments and medications.  Now that I've had a break it is going to be a little harder to get back into the full IF mindset.   I wish I could say I was excited to get this underway, but the fear and dread of everything involved is overshadowing the hope of a good outcome right now. I will do whatever I have to do to get our baby, but this is going to suck.

hmmm..which cycle?

Heard back from the IVF coordinator.  If we want to cycle in October, then I do have to start BCPs next week.  The drawback to that is they also want cd3 b/w since I haven't had it in a while and if AF takes her time, I may be on vacation by then.   There is also the insurance issue.

There are 2 cycles in November...Nov. 5th and Nov. 26th.  R goes OOT every year for 3-5 days after Thanksgiving (though I suppose if there were a major problem he could stay home).  If we cycle Nov. 5, I still have one more natural cycle left.  We would be stimming the 8-16, with retrieval around the 17-19th and a 5dt about November 23rd.  This would work timing wise, the only issue is that I'd be testing while R is gone...bad idea if it isn't good results.  So I guess I'll talk over the options with R and we will decide.

planning for IVF (again)

Back in March we had decided that I would switch to R's insurance before IVF (originally in June) because he had better coverage.  At that time he was told to give 30 days notice before I needed to switch.   He called them today because I will lose my coverage on Sept. 1 and they said they can't do anything until I actually lose mine and then it is 30 days to process it.  This would leave me with no insurance for September, starting injections on October 1st...just not possible.  So they said to call the day before I lose my coverage to notify them and hopefully the new coverage will be retroactive from the time I lose the old insurance.  Extra hoops to jump through, but at least I don't have to wait for open enrollment to take effect in January.

That being said, I have not ovulated yet (3 days of pos. OPKs) so we are officially out of time to fit in one more natural cycle and still take 4 weeks of BCPs before IVF.  I am not thrilled with the idea of being on them 8 weeks, let alone the possibility of 3 months or more if we can't cycle until November.   So I will call the RE in the next few days and find out my options.