5 weeks - final beta!

I really felt like crap last night so I was a little more worried that maybe today wouldn't be good news, but my HCG is up to 4606!!!  Over a 300% increase in the last 3 days.   Progesterone is still great at 58 (you should see the quarter sized lump on my ass from last nights shot) and our first ultrasound is Thursday at 9:30am.   This one is really only to confirm that the pregnancy is in the right spot, so R isn't going with me.  We'll have plenty of these in the future, so we've got to pick and chose what level of importance deems a baby sitter necessary.

I went back and read of few of my entries from when I was 5 weeks with C, and I'm pretty sure symptoms are kicking in faster this time.  I felt gross last night....tired, crampy, and semi-pukey.   I was lucky in that I never had full blown, throwing up all the time, morning sickness before.  I don't think I'll be so lucky this time.  At least it isn't smell or sight triggered yet, that gets really fun.

Beta #2

978!!  More than doubled so I am very happy.   The 2nd beta is always so much harder than the first if you've had a positive test at home because it HAS to be over a certain number to really be good.   At least they called by about 1pm again so I didn't have to wait for hours.   My progesterone was 51 and they also checked my TSH levels which were 2.3.  All normal and looking good.  Beta #3 will be Monday

Still haven't decided when we will tell our parents.  I was thinking of telling mine next week but for some reason the whole after Christmas recovery and clean up period has me feeling kind of blah about it.  Not that I'm not excited to tell them, I think I'm just starting to appreciate no questions and not having anyone I NEED to update about anything.   So far I think I've kept people from suspecting anything, though the one couple we did tell totally noticed I wasn't drinking despite my efforts have an alcoholic looking fruity drink on hand.  So Christmas Eve and Day I tried a different approach.  I carried a glass of wine around and fake sipped from it, emptying it into the sink when no one was looking.   New Years Eve will be a little tougher, but since we'll probably be bringing C to my friends house and making an earlier evening of it, I'm pretty sure there will be enough people there that no one will notice how quickly my glass is going down.

Beta #1

350!!  Right where I hoped to be at 11dp5dt.  The nurse that called made me a little nervous at first, as she kept saying I was really early when I asked for the number....I thought she was going to tell me it was 40 by the way she was acting.  So I will go back in on Friday and she said our first u/s should be sometime next week.

9dpt - 4 weeks!

One whole month pregnant!  I am finally calming down a little bit and only testing in the morning now.  Saturday I tested in the evening and the damn cheapie was practically blank, giving me a mini panic attack, but the FRER had a nice dark line, darker than my FRER with C at 8dpt (Sat. was 7dpt) so I'm guessing my HCG is well into the 200-300s by now.  It was 310 at 10dpt with C.

We also told the first people Saturday night.  We weren't planning on it, but one of R's best friends and his fiance came over to hang out, so we told them.  R is the best man in their wedding in April and we know they'll keep the secret.  Plus, I know they've got some concerns about their own fertility when they start trying and she is a NICU dietitian, so they'll be understanding and supportive no matter what.   Of course, breaking the seal on spilling the news makes me want to tell my parents on Christmas, but I think we'll hold out until betas are done.  We'll see.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!

6dpt

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
This morning I had a momentary panic attack that all this was wrong/from the trigger and I'd have negative tests today, but this morning's test did produce that same faint 2nd line.   I tested again around 2pm and got a much more satisfactory line, so I am feeling good that the HCG is increasing.

At only 3 weeks, 4 days I don't feel much different yet, but I swear there must be some mental block that immediately kicks in and says energy is no longer possible.  I know that it is much too soon for it to be legit 1st tri exhaustion, but I am so tired.  I've got some cramping going on, but it isn't too bad so I think it is within normal range.

5dpt take 2

Come on now, you didn't really think I had as much self control as I said, did you?

After I put C down for his nap, I POAS one more time because those "evaps" were bugging me.  Same result but the squinter came in at 5 minutes rather than 9.  I was going to call it quits for the day, but decided to test out an OPK I had lying around....and it came back positive.   So I opened an Answer brand test I bought yesterday and watched the control line come up alone and resigned myself to accepting the BFN.  A few seconds later the 2nd line came up and I said "OMG, this is real" aloud to no one before I started crying and shaking.   I pulled myself together to get a picture, at which point my camera battery died...so I took a digital while waiting for a few minutes of charge.

 

R was in the basement wrapping gifts, so real quick I whipped together some felt letters and glued them to a onesie I had.  C woke up right as I finished and I sent him to show Daddy his shirt.   It was very cute, though C didn't share our happy sentiment at first.

 

 

He cheered up after he got his morning snack.

 

 

 

 I'm 11 days past trigger, so I'm still really nervous that this isn't "real", but I know I had a negative 2 days ago so I'm taking a leap of faith and believing it!  I got my beta moved up to the 26th, they won't do it earlier than 10 days past transfer.

5dpt

What do you call a line that barely, barely starts to show up within the time, but ultimately has no real color or visibility until after the 10 minute mark?  Partial evap?  Invalid?   I did test again yesterday and got the same result as the morning...nothing at 5 minutes, a line after the time limit.   I tested a 3rd time while Colton was napping and made sure I checked it periodically while I put away laundry until it was well past the time limit and the squinter of line isn't coming in until right around the 9 minute mark, but too faint to be considered anything.   Ultimately, this morning's test was no darker than yesterday's, so I think it is just crap tests.   R even asked how this morning's test looked, and I explained the situation to him.  I'm not ruling out that is due to real HCG, but its questionable enough to keep me from using a better test right now.  If it was 6dpt or later, I'd probably have wasted 2 FRERs by now, but I'm trying to wait until I either have a clearer result on the cheapies, or I'm beyond the point where I got my BFP the first time.

4dpt

So I'm going to drag you all into this with me.  This morning I found myself comparing evap lines.  Or, at least, I think it was an evap line.  The problem I usually have is I wake up about 30-45 minutes before C is up and I have to pee.  So I test, wait a couple of minutes and go back to bed.  This morning's test was blank somewhere around 3-5 minutes, but there was a faint line 30 minutes later when C woke up.  After I showered it was even darker...maybe as dark as the legit line from trigger at 2dpt, and definitely darker than yesterday's evap (which I know for a fact showed up well outside the test window).  However, I also know that these cheapies also kick up a super faint line within the test timeframe anyway, because I checked them while stimming (unless low dose HCG can be detected?).

So I'll leave you with this picture to over analyze for a while. 

 

I'm going shopping.  Chances are I will cave and test again before tomorrow.  I'll try to update, but if I don't, I'm either hiding something or sulking in embarrassment.

3dpt

So I don't have to go back and look for this, reposting once more.

5 day transfer:- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

I've been trying to take easy as much as I can, but obviously with a toddler that is easier said than done.  At least R is around this time, and he is now off of work through New Years I think.  Trigger is out now. I've been more relaxed about testing so far, so I didn't test until yesterday afternoon and again this morning, since the trigger was most likely still there prior to that.   Yesterday I had some cramping that was very similar to the cramps I had with C, only this time they were in a different spot, rather than the same place I've had cramps since getting pregnant with C, so I am hopeful that might mean something, though I don't feel anything today.  I realize that is like thinking you can feel conception, but right now I'm going to let myself believe a little.

Here is our embryo!

Transfer complete

This time through our transfer was at 9am, so I had to start chugging water shortly after breakfast.  I drank roughly 32oz of water by the time the u/s tech checked me and she said my bladder was still empty!  So I chugged about 8oz more, which is quite a lot when you've only got about 15 minutes and feel full already.   At that point the tech checked again and even though I wasn't quite there, she said to stop drinking water because I'd need the bed pan in about 20 minutes.  Transfer happened around 9:30.  Turns out I was the only patient the entire morning, so they had to open and staff the office just for me, so I felt kind of bad, but they it happens all the time with early morning transfers.  We transferred one good looking blast.  It was the same doc as last time, and though this blast wasn't quite as mature as the last one, from what he told me I think it thawed better and he said we had a good shot again.

Since I was the only patient, I just stayed on the transfer table, which they actually inclined a little toward my head.  No, I don't think that helped the embryo, but it did help my bladder for a bit.  The nurse checked on me at the 20 minute mark and I was still managing, but 5 minutes later, I knew I'd never make it another 15.  That is right, I had to use the bed pan.  It wasn't quite as humiliating an experience as I'd imagined because we were in our own room (as opposed to the normal post transfer area with cloth partitions between patients) and it was just R in there. 

I will post a picture of our embryo once I'm off bedrest.  Beta is 12/28.

appt #9 = trigger time!

Things looked better today for the most part.  My lining looked much better on screen, but measurements were still varied.  2 measurements around 6.9/7 and 2 measurements around an 8, so the average has me feeling pretty good.   Yesterday I made sure to get a heating pad on my abdomen for 20 minutes or so in the afternoon and before I went to.  I used the castor oil that the massage therapist recommended and I do think it makes a difference in getting that moist heat affect.  I think I'll probably keep that up until transfer.   So I trigger tonight, no meds tomorrow, start the medrol, doxycycline, estrogen and PIO on Tuesday, and go in for transfer 9am on Saturday.    They didn't give me a beta date yet, but assuming it will be the usual 2 weeks from transfer it will be Dec. 29th.

#8 and still going

Today was an odd experience.  Aside from waiting for 45 min (after 2 retrievals, 9 monitoring appts, and 3 IUIs ahead of me) the Dr couldn't get a clear measurement on my lining.  There was some shadow on the u/s which made it hard to see and then he said he thought my uterus might be contracting (normal but a PIA for u/s purposes) and making the lining thinner than it really is because the first measurement was 6.1!!  The second measurement was a 9, which was too wonky in the other direction, and the 3rd was about an 8, which is where I'm praying it really is, but after checking the follicles it was back in the 6.9 range again.  So of course I'm questioning whether easing off the red raspberry leaf did it (popped 2 pills at lunch just in case) or if that drink I sipped last night fucked me over.   My estrogen is up to 188 and I will go back in tomorrow for what will hopefully be my last appt. before triggering.

#7

Might break my monitoring appt record here soon.  Things looked pretty good today.  My official lining measurement was recorded as 7.31, but I saw it go up around 7.45 while she was measuring and I think that was close to legit too.  Biggest follicle is on the right and still about 19.5.  My E2 levels are up to 142, so climbing again.   No idea if it makes a difference but I'm doing all my follistim shots on the left now in hopes that side will kick up something too.   I'm also scrapping the soy milk and easing off the red raspberry leaf.   Still haven't decided if I'll enjoy a drink at dinner tonight...I'll have to come up with an excuse if I don't so maybe I'll just sip at one while I can.  I go back in again tomorrow morning and I'm guessing probably Sunday too and end up triggering Sunday night.  We'll see.

Appt #6

I have few things to say.  First...the appt went okay.  No change in lining, but I'm hoping it is just thickening up in different spots and will bump up a little more in the next few days.  I had really hoped to see some growth with a fertility massage and an acupuncture appt between monitoring sessions.  At least it is still ahead of last cycle.  Biggest follicle is now "mature" at about 18.5, so I think all we are waiting on is my estrogen levels, because I doubt they'll push me as far as last time if my lining makes the cut-off already.  On tuesday E2 was still only 124 and they want it at 200 or higher.

2nd, it has now been a freaking week and I have not talked to the friend that is moving.  I called her last weekend and she sent my call to voicemail, then texted she'D call the next day.  Never happened.  I sent her a text on Tuesday and still have no response.   I get a few days, as we've both got toddlers, but come on...this is just getting douchey.   Once we get our tree up I'm going to try to have one last play date with the 4 moms and kids in our friend group since the newest mom just had her little girl Thanksgiving Day and I want to try to get a picture of everyone while we are still together so to speak, but other than that I'm not going above and beyond for the next 2 weeks.

Finally, people that bike for exercise on back roads during rush hour are the biggest fucking assholes in the world.  Seriously.   I nearly rear ended some guy who had to slow to a sudden crawl after a blind turn, and then watched over the next 5 minutes as every car piling up behind us did the same thing.

***
Ugh.  My estrogen level dropped again.  121 today.  I go back in tomorrow, but I'm waiting on a call from one of the clinicians now because I'd like to know WTF this means.

appt #5

I can't remember if I said this last cycle, but Ganirelix is like flipping a damn switch.  I went from feeling fine to sore, bloated and cranky within a matter of hours after my first shot.  I started them Sunday night, had off Monday and went back in yesterday.  Not much improvement lining wise, but I'll take it as good news that it wasn't much worse after starting the Ganirelix.  She measured between 6.9 and 7.25, and told the tech 7.3, so I guess they add a little to whatever the u/s machine can pick up?  I think my biggest follicle was still only around a 14 or so, putting trigger a bit further out than last time.   I had hoped to trigger Friday night, because we are going out to dinner with SIL and BIL that night, and have an annual holiday party on Saturday.  I'd planned to cut myself a little slack if we'd made it to trigger and enjoy a drink or two, plus eat whatever the hell I wanted (sort of).   I guess we'll see how my lining looks before making that call.

I did have an appointment for a fertility massage yesterday.   It was somewhat what I expected.  The therapist was really nice, and had made an effort to read up on FET cycles before I got there, but I've yet to come across any holistic fertility specialist who actually gets INfertility.  Go figure.    So I was on the table over an hour...she did some massage with castor oil on my abdomen, saying it actually had a lot of healing properties, and put a hot water pad on the area while she worked with pressure points in my arms and legs.  It was more deep tissue massage than regular massage, and when she went back to the abdominal massage...some of that stuff hurt!   My left side was fine, but my right hip area was "stuck" as she put it, and that is pretty much what it felt like.   I think it did help though, we'll see what tomorrow's monitoring brings as far as determining if I try it again before transfer.

#4

Important stuff first.  Lining was 7.19.  I guess it is good that it was holding steady, but I was hoping for a little growth.  My follicles are starting to grow now, with the biggest at 14, so I am starting Ganirelix tonight.  Hopefully that wont stunt the lining growth. 

On to random tidbits.  The office was packed today.  As in, at least 5 couples in the main waiting room, plus 5 or more in the lab waiting room and in exam rooms.   I was supposed to show up between 8:30 and 9, and after arriving right at 8:30, I got out of there at 9:50.  I'm not sure what everyone else was there for....no wristbands or Drs with hair nets so it wasn't a retrieval day and they don't schedule normal FETs on a weekend so my guess is IUIs.  It had to be something big, because one girl kept wiping her eyes and another looked like she was about to have an anxiety attack.   I did see someone I knew, so we killed about a half an hour chatting.  I'd thought she was cycling with the other clinic, but turns she just usually goes to the downstate office.   She is on a fresh cycle TTC #2 after one miscarriage after her first FET and then a failed FET this summer while cycling with another friend of ours who did get pregnant.

They had me go ahead and start OTC Vitamin D supplements, because it can't hurt.   I think they sent out my bloodwork today, but the tech had a hell of a time getting enough blood out of the vein.  Then the needle came out while the tourniquet was still on and boy did the blood start coming out then!  It looks okay now but I thought it would be a huge bruise.  They said they'd spin down what they got and try to extract enough out for both tests, otherwise they'll do it again on Tuesday when I go back in.

monitoring #3

I told myself I'd be thrilled with a lining of 7.2, happy with 6.8, and braced myself for a 6.3.  I saw one of the actual REs again and even with being a little quick she got a 7.13.  So I am still feeling pretty good about things.   She did agree that the 11mm follie that was measured the past two appts was most likely the residual cyst.  I had about 3 smaller follicles on the left and still about 5 on the right, but they aren't very big.  Thankfully we aren't really concerned about follicle size since it is an FET, so I'm guessing as long as my lining and hormone levels look good, they could trigger me with follies as small as 14mm.  

I don't know if my chart is flagged as the girl with a gazillion questions or if the Dr. was just in a problem solving mood, but she came asking how things were and if there were any issues.  I mentioned the poor lining for my past 2 cycles and she asked if I'd ever been tested for a Vitamin D deficiency.  I don't think I have, at least not recently, so they will run that along with my usual stuff at my next blood draw.  She said sometimes that can affect implantation rates, particularly in endo patients, so we'll see.

****
E2 is up to 72, so it is climbing, just curiously slow.   I go back in tomorrow to see if I need to start the Ganirelix.

monitoring #2

I think it was a good appt., since we started everything a day later because AF showed so late, it is hard to tell compared to past cycles.   I couldn't see the screen but my lining was a 6.2, so a pretty good jump from Tuesday, but AF has also stopped, so that is probably why.  I've got about 5 follicles on each side, with the biggest still at an 11.  They'll check to see if my estrogen is rising and then go from there, but I don't think I'll be starting Ganirelix yet.  I'm actually wondering if the 11mm follie last time is actually a cyst.   My E2 was about 55.10 on Tuesday.  I'm actually hoping it hasn't made a big increase, because the lower my E2 with a 6.2 lining, the better chance I've got of an improved result by trigger.

ETA: I looked at my FF charts because it is a better visual and I *think* I am actually in a much, much better place than last cycle.  Monitoring #2 was a Wednesday last time, on cd8 after 6 days of stims and 4 days after AF my lining was only 4.8 at best with a 10mm.  Today, on cd 7, also after 6 days of stims, and only 2 days after AF stopped, I'm at 6.2.  I don't know if this is because I wasn't suppressed so I started with a thicker pre-AF lining (7.4) or if something I'm doing is actually working, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

I did go back to my acupuncturist last night, and I think I will stick with her through this cycle.  She took time to listen to all the natural stuff I've been trying and seemed supportive of it.  She also suggested adding in indirect moxibustion, which I can do at home with a moxa stick, and thought that uterine massage was a great idea, so I'll try to set up an appointment for that today.

*****
So......my E2 dropped.  It is now 50.  The nurse didn't seem concerned and my instructions are to go up to 100 of Follistim,which was my dose last cycle.  I'm sure there is a downside here, but right now I'm pretty freaking happy that I've got a lining of 6.2 with only an E2 of 50.  Everything crossed that it goes up nicely along with E2.

WTF.

Nothing related to TTC, but I'm going to vent here nonetheless.   I got a message from one of my best friends for over 15 years today letting me know that she was moving...in less than 2 months....to DALLAS.  A freaking text message.   I guess I shouldn't be shocked, this isn't the first time she has handled things like this to avoid dealing with feelings/emotion, but it still ticked me off.  I understand her not saying anything before, because our husbands work for the same company.  Same reason I haven't told her we are cycling again so fast because R may switch jobs in January.  But we aren't moving halfway across the country.  I can't stand it when people can't take the time to make an actual phone call.  As tempted as I was to text her back and tell her that was a sucky move, I can see the irony in that so I just replied with a quick congrats.  Not the information I'd normally choose to receive in the middle of the grocery store.  Still haven't really processed this.  God I wish I could drink.

1st monitoring appt.

Didn't really expect too much.  I am responding faster...biggest follicle is about an 11, but my lining is only between 4.8 and 5.4, so thinner than last cycle.  I know it doesn't mean much this early on, particularly since AF is still here, but I hate feeling pessimistic so soon.   I did ask what would happen if we added in estrace while stimming, and I just got some semi-unclear run around about how we want the desired effect from the estrogen the follicles are producing, and if that doesn't happen it is the wrong protocol.  Um ok, no shit it isn't getting the desired result.  Of course this was just a nurse (the one I nicknamed dead fish nurse the 1st time through, at least she managed to find a personality in the last 2 years) and I'll re-ask all of this if we need a WTF appt with our RE.  Until then, I'm just going to bug the shit out the nurses with every estrogen question I can possibly come up with.

Started stims

I started my shots last night as opposed to Friday night, because R isn't able to watch C for a monitoring appt tomorrow.  There were a few small cysts at my baseline, so they are dropping my Follistim to 75 units to start with.   I did a little more research online and asked if my RE would consider using vaginal viagra to help my lining, as Dr. Sher at the SIRM clinics claims it can help, but they said the studies done on it weren't good medical studies.   I didn't ask about the scratch biopsy, as I'm pretty sure it needs to be done around cd3 (today).   I'm still debating whether or not I want to continue acupuncture this time.  I reached out to my old acupuncturist to see if she could recommend someone in my area but she didn't know of anyone.  I don't think my current one knows enough about acu in conjunction with more complex fertility treatments, and I don't feel like doing the internet crapshoot again.  I did discover that the other local infertility practice has both an acupuncturist and a fertility masseuse in office, so maybe I'll call and ask if I have to be cycling as a patient to utilize that part of their program or if I can do the holistic treatments independently.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

So as I mentioned before we hosted Thanksgiving dinner.  It was a small crowd, just us, my parents, one sister and the ILs.  I figured it would easy and low key....what foreign planet I was residing on I'm not sure.   After a half frozen turkey at cook time, odd looking stringy potatoes, a head on collision with a table on C's part, everything turned out okay, but WHY I think hosting it is easier I do not know.  Something I always forget when planning time rolls around.

So on to the fun stuff. One of my best friends went into labor around 3am!!!   Yes, she was a sane person and didn't clue us all in until things were well underway around noon.   Around 3pm or so she texted me and said the epi was in place and they'd been able to get some sleep, and then a few hours later I'm getting a text from another friend about her (mom to be) BIL's blowing up facebook with the announcement!!   Yeah, they didn't even get to have the honor themselves, but maybe that was their choice.  After C, there are 2 boys within our friend group, and now we have the first little girl!!  Haven't seen pictures yet, but I am so very excited.  New mom texted me recently and said they'd enjoyed some T-day leftovers as a family of three!   I'm hoping to fit in a visit tomorrow, but I have to admit, this is the first birth since C was born (5th among friends) that I really haven't felt that pang of want/loss of a normal birth and recovery.   That is a good thing of course, and I am very glad I'm there.   No matter what the outcome in the future, this is a healing step forward, and for that I am thankful and happy.

Scheduled my baseline!

The coordinator got back to me a few minutes ago, which is awesome, because I was starting to worry about not having enough time to order my meds.  So, everything right now hinges on my baseline appt.  If that is clear, I will probably start stims again this Friday.  If it is not clear, we reassess our options but it doesn't sound like they'll toss me back on BCPs until the new year, so that is good.   I asked about what changes they'll be looking to make for better results and she said if I was okay with waiting for answers, my appt will be with one of the clinicians so I can ask then.   Primary questions are if they can do assisted hatching and the quality of the remaining embryos.   I might ask about an endometrial biopsy, because I have read that the "trauma" to the lining early in the cycle can actually cause it to respond better, but I'd rather not go through that painful experience unless it really helps.

Now to refill my Follistim and low-dose HCG and focus on hosting Thanksgiving Dinner!

Negative.

Not surprising, though I'll admit to toying with the idea that maybe today's test was crap and it would come back with a low number.    I didn't get the call back until after 5, so I seriously thought they forgot about me.   I asked if there were cycle dates in Dec and technically there are not.  The next IVF cycle starts on Friday (if I heard correctly).  Soooo....I'll hear back from the coordinators in the next 2 days, but hopefully I will get an clear to start stimming again right away without BCPs.  I still have questions about what they'll change to up the odds, but just that makes me pretty happy.  I'm hoping that my ovaries will be back to normal...it took 8 weeks when I was pregnant, but I am guessing that was why.  If this timeline pans out, trigger would be around the 7th and hopefully seeing 2 lines around the 19th.

Moved my beta

I've been having trouble with my PIO shots this time through.  They itch.  A LOT.  It isn't immediate, but is still probably some kind of allergic reaction.   I wonder if it has to do with the baby aspirin I've kept taking in hopes of helping implantation.  I know that is why I've bruised much more from them, but they don't hurt, just itch like a mofo.

So anyway, BFN on one of the last two near expired FRERs this morning and the nurse said it was fine to come in this morning so I can stop my shots sooner.  I'm guessing (hoping) this will put cd3 on Friday, before R leaves for a hunting trip.  Also guessing that my ovaries won't be in any shape to cycle again, but maybe we could at least monitor my lining for a natural cycle to see where that gets us.   I put a call in to the IVF coordinator on Thursday, but she hasn't returned my call...probably because she thought I'd have different results by now.

9dpt

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Or not.  Still negative and I'm unofficially calling it.  BFN.  I'm okay today, as I've pretty much known this for 2 days now.   Wednesday was hard.  C has woken up early (and screaming) for 2 mornings in a row, so I've checked on him and then tested while waiting for him to settle back down.  Yesterday I crawled back in bed and just started crying.  R hugged me and said we'll get through this.   Later that day as he was hugging C he said that if he is our only child, we are still pretty damn lucky and he is right.    I stood in the same spot in our yard that I stood and broke down the Mother's Day after my chemical pregnancy, but instead of crying, I was laughing at a little boy taking giant steps in an attempt to squash as many leaves as possible.  I am lucky, and happy, but this is still really hard.

I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that a perfectly healthy looking embryo was placed inside me, and sometime, probably shortly thereafter, it died.  My body killed it.   So I do okay until I look at this picture, and then I feel horrible.

 

I don't really know what to do with this picture.  I don't want to throw it out like it means nothing, but at the same time it serves no purpose anymore than a sad memory.  I guess I'll just tuck it away somewhere and pray I won't be adding any more to the pile.

7dpt

Nothing new to report.  Negative test this morning.  Evap lines on the wondfo and the near expired FRER tonight.  I was *almost* tempted to break out another test that wasn't crap to see, but the last remaining bit of my sanity kept me in check.   I realize evap lines mean nothing, but somehow they aren't as harsh as stark white.  So still clinging to hope.

6dpt

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Still negative and officially past BFP point with my first IVF.  I also discovered that SIX of my eight FRERs expire this month.  I buy all my tests on ebay and figured they'd get used up before now when I bought them in the summer.  And apparently when you have a FRER that expires the month you are using it, you can see the test line as the pee moves across the window.  What a cruel, cruel trick.  I know it is still too early to call it officially, but this is getting depressing and frustrating.  Trying to cycle again before Christmas will be a huge clusterfuck, if at all possible.  And frankly, I don't think I can take another cycle of trying to work things out around R's precious fucking hunting plans.   He was gone this whole past weekend, so no taking it easy for me.  He seriously went as far as mentioning cutting my bedrest short if transfer had been on Thursday.   So I get the joyous priorities talk to look forward to again as well.

5dpt

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

I can only hope the above is true right now.   The trigger is finally gone.  This morning's test was basically negative with maybe an evap line and I double checked later this afternoon with a clear blue test that came with some digitals and it was clearly negative.   No signs or symptoms making me think anything in either direction.  For my own future reference, I will say that I've had some cramps that kind of seem like the implantation craps I had with C, but not as consistent.  I also had heartburn for the first time in forever (one benefit of endless suppression) yesterday so I'm willing to bet that at least my progesterone level is good.

I guess I'm doing pretty well so far, but I know I'm over-emotional in general right now.  I don't feel as....I don't know if desperate is the right word, but something like that, as I did with my first IVF, but the weepiness is creeping in.  Tomorrow evening marks the point where I got my BFP with C.   So I'm sure the wait will be much worse after that.  I really wish I could work out like a normal TTC person, but the nurse specifically said I shouldn't even use the elliptical until after beta if I was the type to second guess things, which I am.   If I still don't have a BFP by Monday I think I may start easing back into a routine.

Well this might be anticlimatic

As far as I can tell, the damn trigger shot still isn't out of my system.  For my fresh cycle it was gone by transfer day, so 7 days after trigger.  I'm now 10 days past trigger and still getting faint lines on cheapies.   1 and 2dpt were definitely dark enough to be the trigger, yesterday and today could possibly just be the result of cheap tests but I didn't want to double check with a better test because regardless of the result I'd still be in the same position with a wasted test since it is too early to call a real BFP without obvious negatives in between. 

Hard to see, but this is this morning's test.

 ***NOT A BFP PIC!!!***

I'm actually hoping for a blank test tomorrow so I can be sure about future results.

Post transfer timeline

I did this with my IVF cycle, so I figured I'd do it again.  I came across this somewhere on the Bump boards I think, and it it is pretty damn helpful

This is a timeline for what happens during/after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer.

this is what happens in a 3dt :
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5 day transfer:
- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So hopefully our little embie is hatching its way on to implantation today.   Still on bedrest right now...I can get up sometime after 2pm.  I don't remember feeling this crampy the first time, but I'm guessing that doesn't mean much either way at this point.  I started feeling implantation cramps around 3dp5dt with C, so I know my over-analyzing of symptoms will really begin then.

PUPO!

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Transfer went fine.  I still don't know much about embryos and grading, so one of our 5 day embryos that looked beautiful at the time of freezing didn't look as great after the thaw, but still good quality with all cells alive and growing, just not fully expanded.  I thought we had one that was hatching, but we transferred the first one they thawed so I'm not sure how they chose them.   It was a different RE than our fresh transfer, but he still gave us a 50% chance or better based on my brief rundown of my history (since he'd never had to review my case) so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Also, we left C with a non-family sitter for the first time and he was awesome!  We haven't told any family we are cycling again and my sister is away (she helped out for my surgery), so our neighbor came over.   I was a little worried that he'd get really clingy as soon as she walked in, but we just gave him some crackers, said goodbye and everything was fine.   Next step...teenage babysitters.

Double ouch.

I realized tonight that I've been drawing up and injecting my PIO with the wrong needles.   The syringes come with one needle that can twist off and be replaced with another gauge needle.  I was wondering why it was so freaking hard to draw up the PIO this time around.  Yeah...I was using the 22 gauge needle to draw it up and injecting myself with an 18 gauge needle.  My poor butt is so sore.

I finally started to feel better today.  Time does make you forget some pain, but I can't say this wait period or whatever you call it was any easier than after an actual ER.  Aside from no bumbling anesthesiologist (who is still working there BTW, I saw him last week) jabbing needles in my hands, I'd say it was about the same.

Less than 24hrs until transfer and then the testing countdown begins!

Ouch

More than ouch actually....I've got mild/moderate OHSS and holy shit this hurts.  Starting yesterday morning I had pains that fell somewhere between food poisoning and labor.  No weight gain, but it was also accompanied by diarrhea, so that could by why.  I spent most of yesterday curled around a heating pad, which is how I'm sitting right now.  It did get a little better for a few hours in the evening, but then returned with a vengence and that is the holding pattern I'm in now.   I talked to the on-call doc this morning, just out of fear that waiting this out might somehow mean a canceled transfer.   He said since there was no retrieval this is somewhat expected and as long as there is no extreme weight gain, shortness of breath or vomitting I should be ok.   He did offer a pain script but said they don't usually like to give those prior to transfer and I agreed, so I'll just tough it out.

Final appt.

At least....last appt. until next Wednesday when we have our transfer!!!  My lining just barely made the cut-off this morning, with a measurement of 6.93 and another of 7.2.  The nurse gave me a thumbs up after measuring and said we were go for transfer.  I was afraid to even post that much this morning for fear they'd either push me another day and cancel or just change their minds altogether.   I will trigger tonight between 6pm and 8pm, no meds tomorrow, and start doxycycline, medrol, and PIO on Saturday.   Our transfer is scheduled for 1:30pm on Wed.  Very happy we have made it this far.

I (he) DID IT!!!

Happy Halloween!!   C was such a little trooper tonight and I am so proud of him.  Not only did he wear the costume, but we went trick or treating around a good portion of our development.  Everyone loved the costume and he had a great time!

appt #7 - not good at all

I think today was the first time I've cried on the u/s table.  The nurse tried really hard but the best measurement she could get was 6.9, with most attempts falling between 6.5 and 6.7, with one even as low as 6.1!  They don't know why this is happening, there is a small chance my body is trying to surge despite the Ganirelix and a progesterone increase is causing it temporarily, but I took an OPK and the test line was practically nonexistent, so I doubt that is the case.  I managed to hold it together most of the way home, but then Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on and I lost it.   At least I was able to come home to snuggles from both R and C, who were curled up on couch watching Thomas the Train while they waited for me.

Best case scenario they push me another 2 days, worst case they trigger me tonight and it is canceled now.  So things don't look promising.  Biggest follicle is 25 and I've got almost 8 within mature range after a trigger, so we can't even say fuck it and try on our own as a last resort.    The nurse made it sound like there are plenty of other protocols out there, but really, natural FET is the only completely different protocol, other options are just variations on meds and dosages to the best of my knowledge.    I did find this article, which talks a little about treatment of thin lining.  No idea if it is a load of crap or not, but it seems relatively legit, and of those 3 causes, we've ruled out low estrogen....leaving poor blood flow and/or damaged lining.  Of course the last line in the article made me cry again.

It is still cloudy and rather cold IMO here, but I guess Trick or Treating is still on, so I promise to try my best to get C into his rooster costume for a picture, but for now....I give you his back up costume.

 

 And just because he is so adorable and I need to AW my pinterest ispiration decor:

appt #6

Rather disappointing.  I saw one of my favorite nurses, and from looking at yesterday's stats, she started talking about triggering tonight with a transfer of next Saturday which got me feeling really optimistic, but then she measured my lining and even taking extra time she only got a 6.9.  It does look better on the screen than it did for my first FET, so I am still hoping we'll see progress.  There is also an endometrial cyst in there now, but supposedly that shouldn't mess anything up and could be gone by tomorrow.   My follicles are getting a little squished now...I've got a 17, a 12, 11x17 and a 10x21.  They are hoping to push me a few more days.  Not sure what I'll be facing tomorrow, the wind is starting to pick up now and it has been raining non-stop since Saturday night.   The nurse said they'll be there though because they've got a few retrievals.  My heart goes out to those poor ladies....I can't imagine the added stress of a hurricane on top of the pressure of a fresh IVF cycle.

And finally, I am proud to report, after a tough fight with 3lbs of bloat this week, I'm within 5lbs of my goal weight.   Even if I don't see any more progress from here on out, I feel that like is so much more of an accomplishment than just being within 10lbs of my goal.

****
Thankfully they are giving me tomorrow off (since we don't have to worry about follicle size too much) and I go back in Wednesday.

Appt #5

I actually had yesterday off.  I would like to say I got to sleep in, but C was awake at 4am, then again at 6am, and up for the morning at 7:20 (plus being up at 11:45...yay teething!).  So it could have been worse, but not the break I'd hoped for.  Oh well, R was thrilled because it meant he could go hunting at the assbreak of dawn.  Sooo not a morning person.

Weekends are a little different for monitoring in that there are no set appointments.  I took a little advantage of this and tried once again to sleep in, but C was up again at 6am...up for good at 7:15 (yes, I'm well aware that this is lightyears better than his 5am wakeups that were the norm from 4-7 months) so I left around 7:30 while R took care of breakfast.  The whole thing took around an hour and there were a ton more people than what I see during the week since I go in so early.   Nice thing about the weekends is the monitoring is usually done by one of the actual RE's, so I saw the other female doc in the practice.   Knowing her personality from prior experience (very good but to the point, no wasting time and pretty blunt) I didn't expect amazing results, and was pretty happy with a lining measurement of 7.11.  Right ovary is doing very little at this point, with the biggest follie about an 8.  The left is the performer this time, with a 17, a 15, 12, and 11.  Meds stayed the same and I go back in tomorrow, weather permitting.

Oh oh oh....one other thing that I just have to put out there.  Someone cycling this time through is a total MORON.  Every.single.time I've gone in, some douchebag has taken their disposable paper cover and jammed it in the basket clearly labeled cloth gowns.  Seriously, how inconsiderate or dumb can you be?

appt #4

About the same as yesterday, which I expected with the Ganirelix.  I'm still right with my measurements for my fresh cycle....same higher lining measurement, then a thinner one after the first Ganirelix shot, except my lining was a 6.7 today as opposed to 6.3 at this point with fresh.   I am starting to feel a little discomfort now and I've definitely got some bloat going on.  Trying to keep up with my harder workouts, but I think today will be it and I'll have to settle for just the elliptical for a bit.   I'm within 7lbs of my between kids goal weight so it is really hard to let go of the weight loss.

At least things still seem to be moving pretty quickly.   You'd think with a full time job the first time through and being a SAHM mom now it would be the other way around, but since I more or less fill my time with things I WANT to do, rather than miserable deadlines, this is so much better.   I'm almost done Cs costume and it looks awesome.  Bad news is, there is a slim to none chance he will let me get it on him, as he has recently decided any putting on of clothes is the end of the world.    I'm hoping R and I can tag team and get it on just long enough for a picture, but I highly doubt and actual trick or treating will occur, which is rather disappointing, but with all the talk of Hurricane Sandy barreling towards us, Halloween night may be too windy and wet anyway.

appt #3

Much better.  Same nurse as Monday and she took a little more time trying to find a thicker point to measure and got a 7.19!!  She even remeasured and was still getting around a 7.   She said measurements can vary based on differnent planes, but it looked good.    Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people that didn't need the details and could be happy with a simple "looks good", as it would probably save a lot of temporary disappointment.   The lab tech was the same one as yesterday and she is rough, but she did get the vein again so I can deal.  As I told her, I'd rather have it hurt in one arm than get stuck multiple times.  

I will probably start Ganirelix tonight.  I don't really have much discomfort, but it is amazing how much better I am responding to Follistim than the Bravelle I used for IUIs.  I didn't get any of the follie measurements today, but both ovaries had at least 3 follicles, which is a beautiful thing!

***
Starting Ganirelix, E2 is 173.5ish and I go back in tomorrow.

monitoring #2

Not great.   I went through this same thing in past cycles,  one tech gives one lining measurement, then the next appt a different tech gives a thinner one!  Today my lining was only 4.8 (hell, it could have even said 4.18, all I know is it sucked).   Follicles were right in line with what I expected...still 4-5 on the left with the biggest around a 9x10.   The nurse still said everything looked good since my E2 was still probably low, but I know its not THAT low.   The labtech did manage to get a vein on the first try, but she did it by holding the needle at a downward angle the whole time (as opposed to letting it rest naturally).  Holy crap did that hurt and I was sure the vein was going to blow and be lost for further use, but it still looks okay.  I meant to ask a few questions about exercise and baby aspirin (at one point my RE had me on that for an IUI to help improve blood flow) but I forgot.   I doubt my exercising is hurting my lining, and its not like I'm doing Insanity or anything, but I've kept up the same level of working out that has lost me 7lbs in the past month so I'll ask when the nurse calls back.

***
Nurse called and I'm still cleared to workout, and she did say to start the aspirin as it can't hurt, but my E2 jumped to 130, which brings me back in tomorrow to see if I need to start the Ganirelix.  I've never had monitoring space out again after going to daily appts...so the find a vein shitshow begins.       

1st monitoring appt.

Surprisingly, I'm actually right on track for where I was at this time with my fresh cycle, despite the lower dose of follistim.  With IVF #1 I had about 6-10 follicles on the left, with the biggest at an 8, and a lining of 5.8.  I couldn't really see the screen today, but there were a few small follicles on the right, and about 4-5 on the left with the biggest around a 7.  My lining was actually 5.5, so I'm really hoping it continues to stay on track and this won't be any longer than my fresh cycle (which would put me at trigger time next tuesday).    I will probably get tomorrow off and go in Wednesday, which is good, because the lab tech hit both arms again.

****
My E2 is 64 and I will go back in Wednesday.

Baseline is done.

Lower dose was right.  They are putting me on only 100 units of Follistim (compared to 350 for reg IVF) and no low dose HCG!  Gah!  I spent 3 days last week going back and forth with the pharmacy and the RE getting the order straigtened out because they said I needed it and now I don't.  Very frustrating.

Baseline looked good, lining is only at 4mm before AF has even showed, so hopefully it will be a light one.  Of course the lab tech hit both arms trying to find a vein, despite warnings about how tricky they are.  Everytime they do it they tell me something different to tell them next time and the outcome is always the same.  Ouch.

Meds training was fast because I've done it all before, but I left very frustrated.  In addition to the hassle I mentioned above, I feel like they are being waaayyy too conservative.    Only 100 IUs of Follistim from Friday until Monday, when I have my 1st monitoring appt and then maybe I'll add in Ganirelix, which does nothing other than keep me from surging on my own, after that.    So they aren't aiming for half the follicles, they are aiming for ONE! WTF.   It took 21 follicles to get a lining of 8.5, how in hell do they think one will do the job.   I asked why they'd take this approach when my best result for an IUI with 1 mature follicle was a lining of 6.5.   The nurse looked a little concerned and the best answer she could come up with was Follistim is better than Bravelle for my lining and the Ganirelix will give that follicle more time to produce natural estrogen, because like a fresh cycle, I won't be on any estrace until after trigger.   She did say we could up the dose as well, so I'm sure I'll be on 200 IUs by next friday.  Good news is I won't have an limited restrictions until close to transfer.

ETA:  I guess my questions got some wheels rolling, because in the time this sat for a few hours as a draft, I got a call back from the nurse (which sent me into mini oh shit my b/w is wacked mode because they never call after early baselines).  She spoke with my RE, who said that although the HCG won't help my lining, it might help create a stronger, healthier follicle(s), which in turn could help my lining.  Either way it can't hurt and I feel better doing that little extra.  So when in doubt:  ask, ask, ask!!!

So here is everything but the low dose HCG, as the nurse said that what I've got is my trigger, even though I used the same thing as low dose last time.

Last day of BCPs!

Finally! I actually can't complain much this time around though...I don't think I've had any bloating and no other unpleasant side effects, but it is nice to be done with them anyway.   All my meds came...I'll post the obligatory med pic after my baseline, since I've got to haul them all in to the office anyway.  From looking at what I've got I will be on a much lower dose of Follistim.  I've only got 4 boxes of 600 IUs, last time I think I had 3 boxes of 900 IUs and boxes of 600 IUs donated from a friend.  

At least time seems to be moving pretty quick and I hope it stays that way.  I've got a good start on C's costume, we got pumpkins today and went through a little corn maze.  Tomorrow I'm finally using a gift certificate I've had for a massage, and because it is part of this really nice gym, I get access to everything all day so I'm planning to swim for tomorrow's workout.  I'm proud to say I've really stuck with daily workouts and I am almost 30lbs under where I was when I took my last BCPs for IVF #1 and 20lbs under BFP weight.   I know I'll have to cut back drastically as soon as stims start, but I feel good about where I am now and that is what matters.  If this works, losing weight will take a back seat, and if it doesn't, I think I can get back on track pretty fast.

: S

That's a face if you can't tell.  About the same face I made when talking to the IVF coordinator.  Since I didn't really know when I was starting stims, and it took nearly a week just to get my regular FET meds ordered last time, I called to ask when I should expect to hear from the pharmacy.  The orders went in today and I start stims on the 19th, so a little later than I thought, but it should line up to be right at cd3 (5 days after stopping BCPs).   I will have a trigger shot, but no retrieval (cue the face).  I can't imagine that will be the slightest bit comfortable, and paired with the horrid stomach pains from the doxycycline that I had my last IVF, it should be a grand old time.   Transfer is set somewhere in the beginning of Nov...hopefully the 1st or the 2nd, because I think the 3rd is a Saturday and then they'd probably push me to the 5th.  I will also be on Ganirelix again, so the only difference is no idiot anesthesiologist and retrieval.  Obviously I'll take things one day at a time and make the best of it, but I hope I feel okay for Halloween.  I've decided that C is going to be a rooster, and I'll be making the costume myself.  This was my inspiration:

"things happen for a reason"

Much of the time I hate that quote, because there are soooo many bad things happening all the time that just can't be reasoned with, but lately I've found myself thinking that it actually applies to me/us right now. 

Two days after our FET was canceled, C had his 15 month appt.  It went fine, but the pedi noticed that one leg had an extra crease/fat roll, and that combined with my history of hip dysplasia, meant we were headed off for x-rays.  Though I'm a long time veteran to the good old x-ray machine myself, I had no idea how they'd do with a toddler.  So when it came down to it, I have to say that luckily I was not pregnant so I was able to stay right with C the whole time and not leave him in a cold room with a stranger (BTW...x-rays were normal!)

Fast forward to yesterday.  C wakes with a fever of 102.  I gave him some advil, it came down and I chalked it up to teething.  Well, last night it went up to 104.9 and by morning we noticed a slight rash, though at least we managed to keep the fever between 101-103 since that spike.   By the time we got him in to the pedi's office, the rash was on his neck and face....Roseola.   The poor kid is miserable, but apparently this is something that almost every child gets somehow, usually before age 2.  Once you have it, it stays with you like chicken pox and you won't get it again.  I've already had it so I *should* be immune, but once again, it looks like it was/is actually a good thing I'm not currently pregnant, because even if this turns out to be something I can catch on top of Roseola, I only have to worry about me and not a baby.   Hoping my little guy feels better soon.

BCPs again

I hate BCPs.   When the one nurse mentioned a mini-stim cycle, I was thinking something along the lines of an IUI cycle.  Instead, we'll be replicating my fresh IVF cycle on a smaller scale...so all the drugs, all the appointments, bloodwork and pain, with hopefully half the follicles.   I start BCPs tonight and continue them for a little over 3 weeks.  Not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but I'm pissed that they waited until the last fucking minute to tell me this.    I asked if it was possible to just start now since I've been suppressed for essentially 3 months, but no, something about the potential for estrogen producing cysts since I just had a period.  How a provera induced period is any different from the induced period I'll have when I stop BCPs I don't know, but it is protocol for everyone cycling for IVF/FET.

So nothing to do now until my baseline on Oct. 16th.  I'm guessing I'll start Follistim (or Gonal-F) that night, as well as low dose HCG.  They aren't sure if I'll need Ganirelix yet, which raises a lot of questions in my mind for how this works, but I guess I don't need to know it all right now.   They've got me penciled in for monitoring from Oct. 22-Nov.2, but hopefully I won't need that many and I already expressed concerns about the difficulty the lab techs have.   I cannot have multiple consecutive days of bloodwork if they are going to botch it up and hit both arms every day.   Looking at my fresh cycle, I stimmed for 11 days, so going off of that I'm guessing my "retrieval" day would be the 29th.  Don't know if I will actually take a trigger to ovulate, or if I'll just start prepping for transfer and the follicles die off when I start PIO.   Putting the cart way before the horse, my due date would be somewhere in late July.   Amazing how fast you can go from swearing you could never be really pregnant in summer to possibly being just that because its better than nothing.

mmm...coffee

Officially canceled now and I started Provera last night.  The realist in me had the foresight to buy my Bailey's coffee creamer on Thursday, so I am happily enjoying coffee for the first time in over a month.    The lining check showed no improvement at all, if anything the measurements seemed worse, with the ideal placement spot for an embryo only measuring at a 5.   At least I don't have to wait for my body to do its own thing.   The other good thing about provera is that I don't have to worry about AF ruining my trip to Chicago.  So cd1 should be sometime around Sept. 20th and I'll call to set up cd3 labs.   I'll probably give them a call sometime next week to find out what they are thinking and timelines for possible protocols.   R is now seriously considering a new job in 2013, so we'll likely be losing our IF coverage (but potentially gaining the difference in salary) so taking a break cycle as a mock natural FET may not happen after all.

Done all we can do.

Ok...this time it really is the final call.  They can't push anything any farther without changing my transfer date.   I'd like to say I'm not letting myself get too hopeful that maybe this will work, but I'd be lying....there is always that little voice rattling off the "what ifs" of a successful cycle.   I'm a little ashamed to admit I've let myself go off the deep end a bit these past two days.  As soon as that call came in from the RE, I started chugging water like it was my job, picked up POM juice at the grocery store, and pulled out some old FertileCM supplements from past natural cycles.   I even googled fertility yoga (I know, I can't believe it either).  It wasn't all in that OMG this has to work desperation mode, but more like, well shit, I can't hurt anything at this point, so why not throw everything I've got at it?   And it not like its been time consuming, I've been going about my day with C as normal, which really helps keep the regular crazy at bay.  If nothing else, I've done a good job of getting more water into my diet.

Canceled (or not...maybe)

I left the house this morning with hope, but honestly I spent most of the drive to the office thinking about other protocols and when to cycle next.  So I wasn't the least be shocked to find my lining hasn't improved.  At all.   The extra estrace did nothing.   The nurse said she'll talk to the IVF coordinators and they will call me back today about stopping meds.  I said I'd rather not be on Lupron again and I thought taking a break for a natural cycle might be a good idea.  I ran into one of my favorite nurses on the way out and she said we could try either natural FET or a mini-stim cycle next.   I am disappointed and frustrated that I've wasted a month of my life sticking myself with a needle daily for nothing, but at least we didn't lose anything beyond that.

*****

Well, my RE reviewed things from this morning and thinks we still have a shot at this cycle.  I am switching from 6mg orally and 2mg vaginally of estrace a day to 4mg each a day and I'll go back in Saturday for one more check.  It make things pretty tight med-wise for a Wednesday transfer and I'm rather doubtful about this, but what are a few more days going hurt?

Wed. Sept 12th

Is our new tentative transfer date.  Thankfully, they were able to find an ultrasonographer to come in on Wednesday.  So that is a huge relief because as long as everything looks good this week, nothing will be done differently on the transfer end.   Even cutting bedrest short by a few hours would make me hesitate because this is our best embryo and we get one shot.  I'd rather wait and do it right, than feel at fault if it fails.   So everything rests with my lining issues now.  I've got the signs that my E2 levels are soaring, but I have no idea if the necessarily means my lining is growing.   Particularly since I'm still on Lupron, which I know is what is fucking things up.  Even if they put me on stims, its not like I'd up and ovulate with 14 days, but I guess having even a medium follicle because of lowering the Lupron dose could mess up things.   I still feel like staying on 10ml a day is going to screw me over.

Not the appt I hoped for

My lining isn't good.  It is somewhere between 6 and 6.5 and they want to at least 7.  It doesn't sound like a big difference, but only cycle where my lining has ever been more than a 7 was my fresh IVF.  If I can't get a decent lining to grow on stimulant hormones, I really doubt a week with a few extra estrogen pills is going to help.    I don't know why I didn't brace myself for this scenario.   So of course I come home in tears and R is supportive, but immediately goes to the old...me being negative.  He said this is just the beginning and he doesn't want to go through all this again with me getting so worked up over a bump in the road.   Awesome...guess I need to work on internalizing emotion again.    To add to all this, C and I fly to Chicago for a wedding on the 14th.  My flight is 11ish and several family members will be on the same plane (none of who know we are cycling of course).  I am waiting for someone to get back to me about making a special exception and do a transfer on Wednesday the 12th, because right now the only transfers blocks in the schedule are Thursday afternoon, which won't give me 24hrs bedrest before getting on the plane.

So as of right now, I continue on the 10ml of Lupron a night and the 6mg of Estrace orally.  I am adding in 1mg of Estrace vaginally 2x a day and I have to schedule an appt. next week for another lining check.

T minus 2 weeks

Tentantive transfer date is two weeks from yesterday, so I'm now within the timeframe of my fresh IVF cycle.   So far I've done a pretty good job of not really thinking past the current stage of meds/cycling, but the nervousness is definitely creeping in.   The embryo we are hoping to transfer is already hatching, just like C was.  If this cycle fails, it seems like only downhill from here.   Right now I'm trying to just continue on with daily life as though nothing is going to be any different.  I been focusing on working out and trying to lose weight and that has been a good distraction.   I don't want to end up in a downward cycle like I did the first time through, gaining too much weight because I was forever telling myself that I could be pregnant soon so it wouldn't matter.   I'm feeling pretty good right now physically, about 12lbs under BFP weight (23lbs under weight on BCPs for IVF #1) and a lot more of that is muscle this time through.   I will cut back closer to transfer and I won't be doing tons of burpees or anything after the transfer, but I'd like to stay somewhat active in the 2ww.   So ready to be done with this Lupron though....fatigue and headaches all the time.  I'm also convinced that it is making me bloat, because no matter what I do, I haven't been able to drop and keep off a single pound.

the gangs all here

Including AF, that nasty bitch.  I swear the cramps have been so bad that it feels like someone is trying to pull my legs out of the hip sockets.

Anyway,the rest of my meds arrived on Tuesday.   Mentally it feels like FET is a lot less medication, but really, it is only 2 less shots.

Clockwise from left: alchol swabs, Lupron and needles, 3 boxes of Progesterone in Oil,

 Sharps container, Estrace, Doxycycline, Medrol, Needles for PIO, and BCPs (done now).

This morning I had my first lining check and everything looked good.  Of course the lab tech couldn't find a damn vein so I got stuck in both arms.  So, so thankful I don't have more monitoring for 2 weeks.   Tomorrow I start Estrace....half a pill twice daily, and I drop my Lupron to 10ml a day.   After about 5 days I bump up the estrace to 2 pills a day, and 10 days from now I take 3 pills a day.   



We meet again, old friend.

Ah....injections.  Once again I've come to that point in my life where I never thought I'd be saying, if we are lucky I'll be doing some type of shot for the next 3-4 months!   Yeah....

So I did my first Lupron shot tonight and the shot part was easy.  Shortly after it kind of felt like that ab muscle had been kicked, and by the time I'd gotten halfway through bedtime with C, it was burning and itching like a bee sting.  Awesome.   A half hour later it was no better, and even now (an hour later) the injection site is much warmer than the other side of my stomach.  Dr. google says it is normal and will go away after a few days....I'm a little leery because last week a damn deer fly bit me and the localized reaction on my hand was so bad I had to take off my wedding rings and my knuckles disappeared for 3 days.  At least the itching seems to be gone.   Now to await the other side effects.

No polyps!

So that is good news because that is something that grows back.  What they did remove was most likely STILL retained placenta.  WTF right?  No wonder I had continued trouble with breastfeeding. 

Anyway, surgery wasn't bad...I read over my last surgery post before I went in so everything was fresh in my mind.  They were running behind, so I made sure to keep an eye on my IV bag this time and was able to flag down the nurse before it ran out, when the drip was too fast...stopped entirely, etc.  It was a bit of PIA but at least I knew what to do.  I did mention to the anesthesiologist about how much the anesthesia hurt the last time and she said there was much they could do, but I know she gave me some type of "happy drug" as she put it first, so I barely noticed any pain.   Waking up was a little different.  I remember a bunch of people telling me to wake up and not wanting to.  I also still have my tube in my throat and have a vague recollection of trying to chew on it before they pulled it out.   I don't remember that part from prior surgeries.  Then I zonked back out until I was in recovery, where I discovered I was in so much pain that I started feeling around for Lap incisions just in case.   I guess retained placenta, even little old pieces, can recreate that fun post-delivery manual extraction feeling.   The nurse anesthetist had already told me she'd put toradol in my IV prior to unsedating me, but it wasn't helping.   The shot of phentanyl they put in my IV didn't do jack shit either, so finally they gave a new saline bag and dilaudid, and that did the trick.   I really haven't had much pain since, just feeling a little groggy and tired.

surgery scheduled

As expected, cd1 was Sunday.  Still a very odd feeling to be this laid back about the whole thing since there is no "trying" right now.  As far as I know, my cd 3 labs were normal.  I have BCPs that I probably should have started today, but I'm not starting them until Friday because I know I won't start gearing up to O yet and I want these last few days to nurse C.   Next week I have my pre-op appt on the 20th, along with my meds training since we'll be gone all of July and I start Lupron before we are back from Michigan.   The hysteroscopy is on the 27th.  I'm really hoping whatever they remove doesn't hurt any more than my last one (with the RE, not the emergency one post delivery) so I can be close to normal the next day.  I haven't quite figured out how surgery day is going to work out.  Unluckily C is in that phase where if he knows I'm in the house, he won't stop screaming unless he is with me (or R, Dad is always the cooler option).

Physical and u/s

Meh.   It could have been worse, but I had hoped everything would look fine.  As soon as the image appeared on the monitor I knew someone wasn't quite right.  My lining looked fine, but there was something else in there, showing up white on the screen.  So most likely either more polyps or possibly still retained tissue from delivery.  Either way, surgery is probable.   It did show that I have a 15mm follie on my right, so despite numerous positive OPKs last week, it looks like I'll be Oing late this cycle.  Hey, at least I won't need provera.

Oh, and a random fun fact....the nurse measured my whole uterus and in its non-pregnant state it is the same size as my SCH was around 13 weeks.

RE consult

Everything went well today, aside from the wait of course.  Definitely a different feeling being in the office for child #2.  Maybe it is because we are a few months out from cycling, but the fear isn't there this time.  I realized that when I sat down and glanced at this poor girl already sitting there.  The look of worry and flat out fear on her face was unmistakable.  I am glad she was gone before the pregnant chick showed up, because she likes to "visit" every time she has an MFM appt. next door.  Um, yeah...awesome for you, not so much for those still waiting.   I would have loved to have brought C, but I haven't forgotten how much it can hurt to be there.

Anyway, I was very pleased that no one even batted an eye at the fact I was still breastfeeding.  The only issue that might come up is if I need provera to end this cycle in time to get cd3 bw and my sono done before July (we'll be in Michigan for a month).  They didn't say it, but I don't think they'll put me on provera while BFing.  Hopefully it won't matter, and I'll probably be close to weaned by then anyway.   So I call on cd1 (or cd35 if there is no sign of ovulation) and they'll do my bw and get my sono scheduled.  I have a routine physical on the 25th and some generic IF b/w too.   Assuming my sono is clear, I will wait for my next cycle to start BCPs, then start Lupron for about 3 weeks in August, and cycle to transfer in early Sept.  And I was super thrilled to hear that at most I'll only need 2 lining checks, so no endless monitoring and bloodwork!!

Oh, and so I don't forget, for our 7 frozen embryos, we have:

2 - 5 day embryos of great quality, one hatching
2 - 6 day embryos of fair quality
3 - 7 day embryos, 2 good quality and 1 fair quality

cd 1!!

I bet you never thought you'd see me thrilled to be posting about that huh?  I dropped down to nursing/pumping 3 times a day about a week and a half ago, and saw potential signs of AF a few days later.  As happy as I am that my cycles might be returning to normal, holy hell did I forget how much this sucks.  You would think that labor, delivery and months of various pregnancy pains would make this seem like a cakewalk, but I'm pretty damn miserable.  I hope this isn't a sign that my endo is back, because my post Lap AFs didn't hurt like this.

We have a consult with the RE on May 11th, so we'll find out what our next steps are then.

Awesome news and decision time

I finally made that call to the RE to find out what the next steps would be if we were to pursue FET and find out the cost as well as how my embryos were frozen (individually or in groups).  The awesome news is that R's insurance has changed and we now have unlimited IF coverage!  The catch is that we have a yearly deductable that has to be met or we'll practically be OOP anyway.  Sooooo, the smart thing to do is move to FET in the fall, when that deductable will be almost met or past that anyway.    This is all well and good until you sit down and realize we'd need to get started in about 2 months for a Sept. transfer. Ahhhh!    I still have no post partum AF, and they can't do anything while I'm still BFing (except our consult).  My cd3 b/w needs to be done after my 2nd PP AF, which will probably put me sometime in July, except we planned to be in Michigan for 6 weeks this summer.   Time for some choices I guess.  The practical side says we just have to make things work for Sept, because if it is a BFN we can cycle again in Dec and be completely covered.   I think I'll set up our consult in the next few weeks and find out if they have specific cycling dates for FET scheduled yet. 

back in the saddle?

Or maybe just observing said saddle from a good 10-20 feet away.   Christmas day SIL announced her 2nd pregnancy (and made it clear it was accidental, kind of odd but not something I care about much now) and I think that, paired with his best friend trying for his 2nd child, must have knocked something loose in R's keep-sanity-intact department.  He has made multiple comments over the past few weeks that he would be cool with us being pregnant again right now.   Meaning, of course, pregnant from normal old sex, not FET of any of our remaining embryos.   I am completely torn on this, for soooo many reasons.  In one pile of reasons, you've got the normal stuff....like, we'd need to buy new furniture for C before he is really ready for a big boy bed (hell, we'd have to organize/unpack the junk in the spare bedroom that has been there since we moved), I'd need a new car because the Britax convertible we just purchased probably won't even allow for any passengers in the back seat of my jetta, let alone a car seat....and it goes on.   It the other, unfamiliar to many, pile....we've got the IF issues.  Am I still infertile?  Do I want to even find out?  Why would I want to try naturally if we've got 7 possible babies that are potentially as amazing as C is waiting for us?  Oh, and then there is that underlying fear of another difficult pregnancy and another, quite possibly earlier, preemie.

If it comes down to it, I don't think I am on board for "trying" again unless it is really important to R (in which case, I think we'll compromise with a time limit...like 6 months).   We haven't been preventing, and of course I know breastfeeding is not a reliable birth control method, but lets face it, unless I was suddenly a supa fertile ho, it probably isn't happening with our sporadic sex life.  And I am really ok with that.   I did buy a box of condoms, and when I do wean off breastfeeding we will need to do the more in depth talk about it.  Either way, I know we aren't bothering with any hormonal birth control....so I might be dusting off my old friend the BBT within the next few months.