Every time...

I go to the bathroom in the end of the 2ww I need to give myself  a little pep talk...telling myself it will be ok if AF is here..we will be strong and try again, but honestly it goes something like this:

pee - glance at the toilet for blood tinged water...no?  good
wipe - check TP, still no tinge...extra points!
check internally - reserved for the days where you expect AF within hours...still clear?  living on borrowed time!

so this is where I am right now.

Thoughts on those that have moved on.

This post is entirely about the support boards that I post on.  The IF/trouble/loss boards are all a very close supportive group of women.  But I've noticed something for quite a while now and it bugs the shit out of me.  There are certain members that are happy to bleed you fucking dry of support and then disappear, if not immediately, within a very short time of their BFP.   I understand if you weren't on the boards long, everyone is that new person who is aware to move on without looking back at some point.  But the ones that were with for months?  more than a year?? We supported you then, and we would support you now, but if you don't care enough to come back and give updates when we ask for them or post in SAIFW posts, you are just a user.  So glad you didn't have to try as hard as the rest of us that are still here...really (no, really, we don't need your flaky selfishness around us)...you seem so grateful for what you've been through.  NOT.

Bite me.

Triphasic Chart.

Never thought I'd ever get one of these...too bad FF still thinks I Od 4 days earlier than I probably did.  And I'm not sure how reliable half my temps are because I don't sleep well when R isn't home.  That and I fell asleep reading Twilight on 2 different nights.  Once in bed and I woke up at 4:30 with the book on my chest, the other time on the sofa and I woke up at 2 and went to bed.   Last night was the first night it managed to hold my interest just enough not to put me to sleep.  I borrowed all 4 books from my SIL, who claimed they were a good read and everyone she knows couldn't put them down.  Uh...no.  I had to force myself through the first 100 pages...the writing is so mediocre.  If it weren't for the whole vampire obsession everyone has, these books would have tanked.  I feel obligated to finish it though, not sure I'll make it through the other 3, particularly since my good books have arrived (The Girl that Played with Fire, The Book Thief, and Sarah's Key).

Anyway, back to my chart...I haven't moved my CHs manually because I'm not 100% sure where to put them, but I think I Od on cd15, putting me at 7dpo.  Despite knowing that, I still couldn't talk myself out of wasting a FRER after getting the usual evap line on the cheapie.  I rationalized that I'm going to Happy Hour tonight and needed to be sure.

Early ovulation?

So right after AF left town, I got fertile CM.  This usually happens for a day so I didn't think much about it.  But it never went away and I wasn't taking anything to increase it...so I started using OPKs.  Well on cd9 I got an *almost* positive and had the most EWCM I've ever seen (sorry non TTC followers, it needed to be said) so we had plenty of sex in the next few days and I got a positive OPK on cd11.  I should mention that I also had terrible back pain and ovary pain starting on cd9, so I finally put a call into the RE to find out what was going on.

The u/s showed what I thought was a follie at 16mm on my right ovary, but the nurse said it was a cyst, but that was okay because it was probably the corpus luteum.  Also, my lining was 7.83!!!  That is the thickest it has ever been.  The nurse it looked post-ovulatory as well, but we'd see what the b/w showed.  Naturally I missed her call last night, but she left a message saying my LH was surging and I was ovulating yesterday.  Sure enough, I got another positive OPK last night (mind you, cd12's were all negative) and this morning's was still pretty dark, but all my EWCM has been gone for 2 days and my temp isn't any higher than the past few days, so all signs other than LH are pointing to me being 4dpo.   I thought about emailing or calling the nurse to clarify, but I figure I can be like everyone else in the world for one cycle and not have exact answers as to when I will or have Od.  Either way, I am thrilled I am Oing early and this cycle isn't a bust.

Not a good day

Yesterday I thought AF was on her way out because I had light flow all morning. Well, the cramps started up about an hour before lunch and she returned in full force. These cramps were right up there (maybe even worse) with my cramps right after we found out about the c/p. As many times as I've read on the loss support boards about your first AF reminding you of going through the loss, I didn't really understand until just then, as I sat there feeling exactly the way I did then, only I didn't have an excuse to go curl up in bed, because it was just a damned period.  I finally had to take a painkiller I had leftover from cutting my foot last week, I don't think I would have made it through the day otherwise.  I even took another test last night, just because this pain was so similar to before, and of course I got some wonky pink line/smudge an hour after testing (I really need to learn not to look at them after the test window is over), but this morning's was negative.  I just hope this isn't a new natural AF trend for me.  All my post-medicated cycle AF's only lasted 4-5 days.

cd 2

So AF showed about 5 seconds after I POAS yesterday.  I stopped the endometrin on cd14 and I still made it to 17dpo before she made her appearance.  Needless to say, plenty of tests were wasted this cycle, including two FRERs and an EPT blue dye test.  I really need to get a grip.

I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be.  This post loss cycle was a mess, so I didn't really think a good egg would come out of it.  I predict my next major breakdown will be in about 2 weeks or so, when I should be ovulating, and R will be in Texas on a business trip for more than a week.   Yes, for the first time since TTC, I will have a totally wasted fertile window.   I talked to the nurse, and we could do a natural IUI with frozen sperm, but it would still cost over 1K.  I haven't even mentioned that to R yet.  I don't think we will do it....it just doesn't make sense for only one egg and such a low chance at success.  So we'll just hope I ovulate really early or late, because I'll be sans husband cd 16-23.

Made it through a baby shower.

SIL's shower was Sunday, and I am proud to say I made it through the whole day without crying.  I teared up a little on the way home, because SIL actually asked how I was feeling when I said goodbye.  None of R's family has asked anything that truly meant they wanted to know how am I really doing, so I was surprised it would be her...the one who became pregnant so easily.  She told me to call and chat if I needed to, which I would have no idea how to do right now, but it was a sweet gesture.

I think I am beginning to feel more comfortable with being open about our infertility and loss.  We found out recently that 2 couples we know went through treatment and IVF at our clinic.  One now has a little girl and the other is about 11 weeks pregnant after a Lap, 2 failed IUIs and IVF because of Stage IV endo.  I am not super close to either of them, but I feel like if I had spoken up about our troubles, learning about theirs would have helped me feel not so alone IRL (months ago that is, I am in a pretty good place right now).

Ovulating today.

I went for another check this morning and pretty much saw nothing at all.  The nurse could only guess that I ovulated this morning and that the follie disappeared that quickly.  My bloodwork confirmed this theory, as my E2 was starting to drop, but my LH was high and my progesterone was starting to rise.  So lets hope my body hasn't mastered the ability to produce blood test fakeouts.  I should start endometrin on Wednesday assuming my temps don't continue to tank.

Mid-cycle monitoring.

Since my chart is whacked, and last week's positive OPK was clearly a fluke, I called the RE to see if I could get a monitoring check and figure out what the hell was going on.  I debated calling because I don't want to be impatient, but I decided that after all I've been through so far, I deserve a little extra attention.  They were super quick to call back and schedule my appointment, and I didn't even have co-pay this morning, so maybe being IF plus post-loss puts me higher on the priority list.  My appt. was also with my actual RE, and not just a nurse.  During the u/s, she couldn't tell if I had a 13mm follie on the right, or if that was the corpus luteum and I'd already ovulated, but my b/w just came back and my E2 is 150, so getting close (it should be at 200 right before O).  So despite a big temp jump this morning, I'm not in the 2ww yet.  I will go back for more monitoring on Monday.

Happy You're Not a Mother Yet Day.

I thought I'd be okay, and I was, until we were outside doing yardwork and R started talking about getting cards for our mothers.  I started to tear up and he asked what was wrong..I tried to say I was fine but he asked again and I said it was Mother's Day and I wasn't a mother yet and it didn't even look like I'd ovulate this cycle.  He quickly hugged me and said he'd thought about that and that he loved me.  It was the first time throughout all of this that I heard him start to choke up.  As hard as it is, that was a very special moment.

Then later when we stopped at the card store, the second card I pulled out said "To a great Mother and Grandmother".  Well that did it, the tears started flowing again.  R's mother is a grandmother already, but my mother isn't.  My sisters aren't even married yet, so I'm her only chance at being a grandparent for awhile.  She never says anything about that, but it makes me feel all the more broken.

I did okay when we stopped by to see MIL.  R's family just doesn't get it.  She asked how I was, but it wasn't in that how are you truly doing way...more like just a formality and she really didn't expect anything more than a one word answer, which is what she got.  I told her I was fine.  Then pregnant SIL walked in and I wasn't prepared to deal with that.  I couldn't even look at her.  Thankfully R picked up on that and we left just as MIL started in with pregnancy talk.   I was fine the rest of the day and was even okay to talk to my mother about the loss and how things have been since....because she had 3 losses and she gets it.  It is R's family I can't deal with.  I think he is starting to figure that out and he is having a hard time truly understanding why.

Still waiting to O.

Rather than wait for an obvious AF to count as cd1, I opted to keeping charting through the chemical pregnancy.  So I am on cd29 if you count from the first round of bleeding after we found out the beta didn't double.  I had some very, very light bleeding after my beta dropped to O, but not enough to be AF.  If I count from there it would be cd15.  I had one positive OPK, but I am thinking it was a fakeout because usually I get 2 days of positives.  I am still taking FertileCM and it is definitely working.  Here is my chart.

National Infertility Awareness week

I got brave and put this in my facebook status, courtesy of another IF bump member.

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you play with your kids today, or tuck them into bed tonight, please take a minute to empathize with the millions of couples out there struggling to achieve what you have. If you or someone you love is affected by infertility, please post this in your status this week to show your support. ♥

We will see if anyone actually comments on it.

It would also appear that I may need to move to full comment moderation, I'm getting tired of deleting random "bot" comments that say nothing coherent.

Final beta.

My beta is now negative and progesterone is down to 1.4. My chemical pregnancy is officially over. I don't know whether to cry or be hopeful about trying again. I am reposting the poem from which this blog is named,

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

I can't ever go back to just hoping for that BFP. Two lines will always instill sudden fear in me...or perhaps I will feel nothing? Certainly not the simple joy of finding out you are pregnant. Nothing is simple anymore. I don't think that can ever be undone.

Tuesdays are bad days now

Because they are the days when I should be reaching new pregnancy weeks. I should be 7 weeks today. I hope I can stop hating Tuesdays soon.

Follow up with RE

Last Thursday we met with our RE to discuss where to go from here. It went pretty well and I only started to tear up once when she said there was nothing we could have done to prevent the loss and that it wasn't my fault. She did say that it is fine to try naturally and re-evaluate IVF in the fall. Since I had extreme pain with my endo, we can use that as a gauge to see if it is returning, rather than doing a Lap just because. It was also the first time I think we got a number for our natural chances of conceiving....5%. That was a bit of a blow but I am still hopeful we can do this on our own.
We talked about the genetic factors involved with losses and she said usually they will start testing after 2 losses, but she did have us get tested for translocation issues because that would be useful to know before IVF anyway.
I asked about low progesterone causing the chemical pregnancy and she said that is controversial right now, because they can't prove if the progesterone causes the chromosomal problems, or if the chromosomal problems cause low progesterone. She did say it was fine for me to take my Endometrin in the 2ww on the natural cycles.

So we are giving this natural thing a few more chances. Not too much else to report at the moment. I'm sort of charting but I haven't had even AF level bleeding yet, so I don't know where exactly in my cycle I am. Hopefully my beta will be 0 on Wednesday. It was down to 37 last week.

The grief process.

I don't know what day to call the start of the loss, it probably began before I even knew I had something to lose. I have so many different emotions running through me I don't know what to focus on, but I try to stay focusing on hope. Hope that this will happen again and that it will last. But in between those strong moments I cave to other emotions and this post is going to be a running collective of what I feel as I try to get through this. The first few days, starting on Thursday, April 8th were just numb. R and I went together to our second beta, and we waited together in the office for the results. I soon as I saw the number I knew it was ending, but it didn't feel real. I had an ultrasound and it showed nothing. Nothing. As if it was never there to begin with.
Friday, April 9th
I woke up tired and feeling like a hollow shell. Part of me felt like I could pull it together and go to work as though nothing was wrong, but a bigger part said I needed to stay home and "heal". Heal from what, I'm not sure, because nothing had happened. It was just some numbers and some words. They could be wrong, right? By 10:30 I started to spot and I assumed that was it, it would be over soon. The cramping started around 3pm and it was bad. It was like my pre-Lap AFs, except it encompassed my whole abdomen. It felt like a fist squeezing my uterus, but pulling enough to make my ovaries hurt too. Overall, it felt similar to my post sonohysterogram feeling, very heavy and achy.
Saturday, April 10th
The nurse this morning was dead fish nurse. The first time I've ever seen anything close to feeling in her eyes. Too bad it didn't help. The cramps are still here and the bleeding is minimal. My progesterone is only 2.8 it should be moving a lot more quickly than this. I skipped my nephew's first birthday. I was told to stay off my feet today and I couldn't handle it emotionally anyway. My older SIL and my pregnant SIL now know about our loss and our infertility. I don't think they could possibly understand.

I am starting to reach the angry phase. I'm mad that this happened. I'm mad that it is called a chemical pregnancy even though I was 5 weeks based on ovulation. I'm mad that people might not understand if we don't use the term "miscarriage". I'm mad that I feel my loss is downgraded in others eyes because we never made past embryo stage. I'm just mad.
Tuesday, April 13th
I went back to work yesterday, even though the end of this seems no where in sight. It wasn't too bad, at least I haven't cried since Sunday. I was even able to tell two of my close friends over the phone without breaking down. Tomorrow I have to go in for more bloodwork. That will be hard. I was fighting tears waiting for my last beta. I just want this to be over so I can focus on our next cycle (and also so I don't have to keep worrying about making it through the workday without incident).

beta is dropping.

Beta #3 was down to 247 and my progesterone dropped to 2.8 so it looks as though I will be able to pass this naturally. I started spotting yesterday and had some pretty bad cramps, which are now paired with horrid stabbing pain coming from near my cervix. The nurse told me to rest and stay off my feet to help ease the cramping. I wish I could sleep until all this was over.

beta #2 not good

Only 475. Chemical pregnancy. I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of "I'm so sorry for your loss". I've typed that out myself many a time, and I was well aware that it could be me one day, but that day was never supposed to actually happen. I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel. The title of my blog comes into play once more. Pain has an element of blank. It truly does.

beta #1

is 375.2!!! Unluckily my progesterone was very low considering I started supplements last night...only 10.5. I am still spotting off and on so I am hoping this baby can hang in there until we get it back up. The nurse couldn't tell me much, but everything depends on whether it rises by Thursday. Based on my O date, I am 5 weeks today.

Have you seen my "Not"?

Because it seems to have gone missing from this test I just took

I don't know what to think. I thought I was on cd10 and was crazy for still noticing 2ww symptoms. I peed on a cheapie and as I went to test my OPK I saw the second line plain as day. I tested with the digital and you can see the result! A FRER also confirmed it.

Unluckily I discovered some spotting when I went to take my first Endometrin pill and the few temps I've had since "AF" were pretty low. I am hoping it is not too late. I go first thing tomorrow for my beta.

I can't believe I'm one of the "I didn't know I was pregnant" people.