I don't know what day to call the start of the loss, it probably began before I even knew I had something to lose. I have so many different emotions running through me I don't know what to focus on, but I try to stay focusing on hope. Hope that this will happen again and that it will last. But in between those strong moments I cave to other emotions and this post is going to be a running collective of what I feel as I try to get through this. The first few days, starting on Thursday, April 8th were just numb. R and I went together to our second beta, and we waited together in the office for the results. I soon as I saw the number I knew it was ending, but it didn't feel real. I had an ultrasound and it showed nothing. Nothing. As if it was never there to begin with.
Friday, April 9th
I woke up tired and feeling like a hollow shell. Part of me felt like I could pull it together and go to work as though nothing was wrong, but a bigger part said I needed to stay home and "heal". Heal from what, I'm not sure, because nothing had happened. It was just some numbers and some words. They could be wrong, right? By 10:30 I started to spot and I assumed that was it, it would be over soon. The cramping started around 3pm and it was bad. It was like my pre-Lap AFs, except it encompassed my whole abdomen. It felt like a fist squeezing my uterus, but pulling enough to make my ovaries hurt too. Overall, it felt similar to my post sonohysterogram feeling, very heavy and achy.
Saturday, April 10th
The nurse this morning was dead fish nurse. The first time I've ever seen anything close to feeling in her eyes. Too bad it didn't help. The cramps are still here and the bleeding is minimal. My progesterone is only 2.8 it should be moving a lot more quickly than this. I skipped my nephew's first birthday. I was told to stay off my feet today and I couldn't handle it emotionally anyway. My older SIL and my pregnant SIL now know about our loss and our infertility. I don't think they could possibly understand.
I am starting to reach the angry phase. I'm mad that this happened. I'm mad that it is called a chemical pregnancy even though I was 5 weeks based on ovulation. I'm mad that people might not understand if we don't use the term "miscarriage". I'm mad that I feel my loss is downgraded in others eyes because we never made past embryo stage. I'm just mad.
Tuesday, April 13th
I went back to work yesterday, even though the end of this seems no where in sight. It wasn't too bad, at least I haven't cried since Sunday. I was even able to tell two of my close friends over the phone without breaking down. Tomorrow I have to go in for more bloodwork. That will be hard. I was fighting tears waiting for my last beta. I just want this to be over so I can focus on our next cycle (and also so I don't have to keep worrying about making it through the workday without incident).
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I'm s sorry. I hope that this all passes quickly for you, physically. I know those hormones also don't help matters, so that's something you can difinitely attribute to your overall emotions. It's a process, and it's going to take a little while to process everything. It IS a loss, because you lose the hope of what you want and what you may have had. I know you'll get through it, but don't let anyone trivialize this matter.
ReplyDeleteI also disagree that a "chemical" pregnancy was never a real pregnancy. whatever you're own opinion on it is, it is what you feel it is. but there was a conception, and it was there long enough that your body recognizes that it was there. i have a doctor that doesn't count CPs as a pregnancy. she's an idiot. i told her, "tell that to my body". i guess it has never happened to her.
I'm sorry :( You have every right to feel everything you are feeling. And I know what you mean about the c/p being seen as not a real pregnancy. I'm still confused about how to feel about my own. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. You had a loss--a real loss--and no one who has suffered their own will try to minimize it.
ReplyDeleteThese first few days--heck, these first few *months*--are awful. Just unbearably awful. But you will bear them and life will improve, somehow.
I hope you're pregnant again with a sticky baby soon.
-triple_sevens (from TTCAL)