monitoring #2

I think it was a good appt., since we started everything a day later because AF showed so late, it is hard to tell compared to past cycles.   I couldn't see the screen but my lining was a 6.2, so a pretty good jump from Tuesday, but AF has also stopped, so that is probably why.  I've got about 5 follicles on each side, with the biggest still at an 11.  They'll check to see if my estrogen is rising and then go from there, but I don't think I'll be starting Ganirelix yet.  I'm actually wondering if the 11mm follie last time is actually a cyst.   My E2 was about 55.10 on Tuesday.  I'm actually hoping it hasn't made a big increase, because the lower my E2 with a 6.2 lining, the better chance I've got of an improved result by trigger.

ETA: I looked at my FF charts because it is a better visual and I *think* I am actually in a much, much better place than last cycle.  Monitoring #2 was a Wednesday last time, on cd8 after 6 days of stims and 4 days after AF my lining was only 4.8 at best with a 10mm.  Today, on cd 7, also after 6 days of stims, and only 2 days after AF stopped, I'm at 6.2.  I don't know if this is because I wasn't suppressed so I started with a thicker pre-AF lining (7.4) or if something I'm doing is actually working, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

I did go back to my acupuncturist last night, and I think I will stick with her through this cycle.  She took time to listen to all the natural stuff I've been trying and seemed supportive of it.  She also suggested adding in indirect moxibustion, which I can do at home with a moxa stick, and thought that uterine massage was a great idea, so I'll try to set up an appointment for that today.

*****
So......my E2 dropped.  It is now 50.  The nurse didn't seem concerned and my instructions are to go up to 100 of Follistim,which was my dose last cycle.  I'm sure there is a downside here, but right now I'm pretty freaking happy that I've got a lining of 6.2 with only an E2 of 50.  Everything crossed that it goes up nicely along with E2.

WTF.

Nothing related to TTC, but I'm going to vent here nonetheless.   I got a message from one of my best friends for over 15 years today letting me know that she was moving...in less than 2 months....to DALLAS.  A freaking text message.   I guess I shouldn't be shocked, this isn't the first time she has handled things like this to avoid dealing with feelings/emotion, but it still ticked me off.  I understand her not saying anything before, because our husbands work for the same company.  Same reason I haven't told her we are cycling again so fast because R may switch jobs in January.  But we aren't moving halfway across the country.  I can't stand it when people can't take the time to make an actual phone call.  As tempted as I was to text her back and tell her that was a sucky move, I can see the irony in that so I just replied with a quick congrats.  Not the information I'd normally choose to receive in the middle of the grocery store.  Still haven't really processed this.  God I wish I could drink.

1st monitoring appt.

Didn't really expect too much.  I am responding faster...biggest follicle is about an 11, but my lining is only between 4.8 and 5.4, so thinner than last cycle.  I know it doesn't mean much this early on, particularly since AF is still here, but I hate feeling pessimistic so soon.   I did ask what would happen if we added in estrace while stimming, and I just got some semi-unclear run around about how we want the desired effect from the estrogen the follicles are producing, and if that doesn't happen it is the wrong protocol.  Um ok, no shit it isn't getting the desired result.  Of course this was just a nurse (the one I nicknamed dead fish nurse the 1st time through, at least she managed to find a personality in the last 2 years) and I'll re-ask all of this if we need a WTF appt with our RE.  Until then, I'm just going to bug the shit out the nurses with every estrogen question I can possibly come up with.

Started stims

I started my shots last night as opposed to Friday night, because R isn't able to watch C for a monitoring appt tomorrow.  There were a few small cysts at my baseline, so they are dropping my Follistim to 75 units to start with.   I did a little more research online and asked if my RE would consider using vaginal viagra to help my lining, as Dr. Sher at the SIRM clinics claims it can help, but they said the studies done on it weren't good medical studies.   I didn't ask about the scratch biopsy, as I'm pretty sure it needs to be done around cd3 (today).   I'm still debating whether or not I want to continue acupuncture this time.  I reached out to my old acupuncturist to see if she could recommend someone in my area but she didn't know of anyone.  I don't think my current one knows enough about acu in conjunction with more complex fertility treatments, and I don't feel like doing the internet crapshoot again.  I did discover that the other local infertility practice has both an acupuncturist and a fertility masseuse in office, so maybe I'll call and ask if I have to be cycling as a patient to utilize that part of their program or if I can do the holistic treatments independently.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

So as I mentioned before we hosted Thanksgiving dinner.  It was a small crowd, just us, my parents, one sister and the ILs.  I figured it would easy and low key....what foreign planet I was residing on I'm not sure.   After a half frozen turkey at cook time, odd looking stringy potatoes, a head on collision with a table on C's part, everything turned out okay, but WHY I think hosting it is easier I do not know.  Something I always forget when planning time rolls around.

So on to the fun stuff. One of my best friends went into labor around 3am!!!   Yes, she was a sane person and didn't clue us all in until things were well underway around noon.   Around 3pm or so she texted me and said the epi was in place and they'd been able to get some sleep, and then a few hours later I'm getting a text from another friend about her (mom to be) BIL's blowing up facebook with the announcement!!   Yeah, they didn't even get to have the honor themselves, but maybe that was their choice.  After C, there are 2 boys within our friend group, and now we have the first little girl!!  Haven't seen pictures yet, but I am so very excited.  New mom texted me recently and said they'd enjoyed some T-day leftovers as a family of three!   I'm hoping to fit in a visit tomorrow, but I have to admit, this is the first birth since C was born (5th among friends) that I really haven't felt that pang of want/loss of a normal birth and recovery.   That is a good thing of course, and I am very glad I'm there.   No matter what the outcome in the future, this is a healing step forward, and for that I am thankful and happy.

Scheduled my baseline!

The coordinator got back to me a few minutes ago, which is awesome, because I was starting to worry about not having enough time to order my meds.  So, everything right now hinges on my baseline appt.  If that is clear, I will probably start stims again this Friday.  If it is not clear, we reassess our options but it doesn't sound like they'll toss me back on BCPs until the new year, so that is good.   I asked about what changes they'll be looking to make for better results and she said if I was okay with waiting for answers, my appt will be with one of the clinicians so I can ask then.   Primary questions are if they can do assisted hatching and the quality of the remaining embryos.   I might ask about an endometrial biopsy, because I have read that the "trauma" to the lining early in the cycle can actually cause it to respond better, but I'd rather not go through that painful experience unless it really helps.

Now to refill my Follistim and low-dose HCG and focus on hosting Thanksgiving Dinner!

Negative.

Not surprising, though I'll admit to toying with the idea that maybe today's test was crap and it would come back with a low number.    I didn't get the call back until after 5, so I seriously thought they forgot about me.   I asked if there were cycle dates in Dec and technically there are not.  The next IVF cycle starts on Friday (if I heard correctly).  Soooo....I'll hear back from the coordinators in the next 2 days, but hopefully I will get an clear to start stimming again right away without BCPs.  I still have questions about what they'll change to up the odds, but just that makes me pretty happy.  I'm hoping that my ovaries will be back to normal...it took 8 weeks when I was pregnant, but I am guessing that was why.  If this timeline pans out, trigger would be around the 7th and hopefully seeing 2 lines around the 19th.

Moved my beta

I've been having trouble with my PIO shots this time through.  They itch.  A LOT.  It isn't immediate, but is still probably some kind of allergic reaction.   I wonder if it has to do with the baby aspirin I've kept taking in hopes of helping implantation.  I know that is why I've bruised much more from them, but they don't hurt, just itch like a mofo.

So anyway, BFN on one of the last two near expired FRERs this morning and the nurse said it was fine to come in this morning so I can stop my shots sooner.  I'm guessing (hoping) this will put cd3 on Friday, before R leaves for a hunting trip.  Also guessing that my ovaries won't be in any shape to cycle again, but maybe we could at least monitor my lining for a natural cycle to see where that gets us.   I put a call in to the IVF coordinator on Thursday, but she hasn't returned my call...probably because she thought I'd have different results by now.

9dpt

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Or not.  Still negative and I'm unofficially calling it.  BFN.  I'm okay today, as I've pretty much known this for 2 days now.   Wednesday was hard.  C has woken up early (and screaming) for 2 mornings in a row, so I've checked on him and then tested while waiting for him to settle back down.  Yesterday I crawled back in bed and just started crying.  R hugged me and said we'll get through this.   Later that day as he was hugging C he said that if he is our only child, we are still pretty damn lucky and he is right.    I stood in the same spot in our yard that I stood and broke down the Mother's Day after my chemical pregnancy, but instead of crying, I was laughing at a little boy taking giant steps in an attempt to squash as many leaves as possible.  I am lucky, and happy, but this is still really hard.

I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that a perfectly healthy looking embryo was placed inside me, and sometime, probably shortly thereafter, it died.  My body killed it.   So I do okay until I look at this picture, and then I feel horrible.

 

I don't really know what to do with this picture.  I don't want to throw it out like it means nothing, but at the same time it serves no purpose anymore than a sad memory.  I guess I'll just tuck it away somewhere and pray I won't be adding any more to the pile.

7dpt

Nothing new to report.  Negative test this morning.  Evap lines on the wondfo and the near expired FRER tonight.  I was *almost* tempted to break out another test that wasn't crap to see, but the last remaining bit of my sanity kept me in check.   I realize evap lines mean nothing, but somehow they aren't as harsh as stark white.  So still clinging to hope.

6dpt

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Still negative and officially past BFP point with my first IVF.  I also discovered that SIX of my eight FRERs expire this month.  I buy all my tests on ebay and figured they'd get used up before now when I bought them in the summer.  And apparently when you have a FRER that expires the month you are using it, you can see the test line as the pee moves across the window.  What a cruel, cruel trick.  I know it is still too early to call it officially, but this is getting depressing and frustrating.  Trying to cycle again before Christmas will be a huge clusterfuck, if at all possible.  And frankly, I don't think I can take another cycle of trying to work things out around R's precious fucking hunting plans.   He was gone this whole past weekend, so no taking it easy for me.  He seriously went as far as mentioning cutting my bedrest short if transfer had been on Thursday.   So I get the joyous priorities talk to look forward to again as well.

5dpt

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

I can only hope the above is true right now.   The trigger is finally gone.  This morning's test was basically negative with maybe an evap line and I double checked later this afternoon with a clear blue test that came with some digitals and it was clearly negative.   No signs or symptoms making me think anything in either direction.  For my own future reference, I will say that I've had some cramps that kind of seem like the implantation craps I had with C, but not as consistent.  I also had heartburn for the first time in forever (one benefit of endless suppression) yesterday so I'm willing to bet that at least my progesterone level is good.

I guess I'm doing pretty well so far, but I know I'm over-emotional in general right now.  I don't feel as....I don't know if desperate is the right word, but something like that, as I did with my first IVF, but the weepiness is creeping in.  Tomorrow evening marks the point where I got my BFP with C.   So I'm sure the wait will be much worse after that.  I really wish I could work out like a normal TTC person, but the nurse specifically said I shouldn't even use the elliptical until after beta if I was the type to second guess things, which I am.   If I still don't have a BFP by Monday I think I may start easing back into a routine.

Well this might be anticlimatic

As far as I can tell, the damn trigger shot still isn't out of my system.  For my fresh cycle it was gone by transfer day, so 7 days after trigger.  I'm now 10 days past trigger and still getting faint lines on cheapies.   1 and 2dpt were definitely dark enough to be the trigger, yesterday and today could possibly just be the result of cheap tests but I didn't want to double check with a better test because regardless of the result I'd still be in the same position with a wasted test since it is too early to call a real BFP without obvious negatives in between. 

Hard to see, but this is this morning's test.

 ***NOT A BFP PIC!!!***

I'm actually hoping for a blank test tomorrow so I can be sure about future results.

Post transfer timeline

I did this with my IVF cycle, so I figured I'd do it again.  I came across this somewhere on the Bump boards I think, and it it is pretty damn helpful

This is a timeline for what happens during/after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer.

this is what happens in a 3dt :
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5 day transfer:
- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So hopefully our little embie is hatching its way on to implantation today.   Still on bedrest right now...I can get up sometime after 2pm.  I don't remember feeling this crampy the first time, but I'm guessing that doesn't mean much either way at this point.  I started feeling implantation cramps around 3dp5dt with C, so I know my over-analyzing of symptoms will really begin then.

PUPO!

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Transfer went fine.  I still don't know much about embryos and grading, so one of our 5 day embryos that looked beautiful at the time of freezing didn't look as great after the thaw, but still good quality with all cells alive and growing, just not fully expanded.  I thought we had one that was hatching, but we transferred the first one they thawed so I'm not sure how they chose them.   It was a different RE than our fresh transfer, but he still gave us a 50% chance or better based on my brief rundown of my history (since he'd never had to review my case) so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Also, we left C with a non-family sitter for the first time and he was awesome!  We haven't told any family we are cycling again and my sister is away (she helped out for my surgery), so our neighbor came over.   I was a little worried that he'd get really clingy as soon as she walked in, but we just gave him some crackers, said goodbye and everything was fine.   Next step...teenage babysitters.

Double ouch.

I realized tonight that I've been drawing up and injecting my PIO with the wrong needles.   The syringes come with one needle that can twist off and be replaced with another gauge needle.  I was wondering why it was so freaking hard to draw up the PIO this time around.  Yeah...I was using the 22 gauge needle to draw it up and injecting myself with an 18 gauge needle.  My poor butt is so sore.

I finally started to feel better today.  Time does make you forget some pain, but I can't say this wait period or whatever you call it was any easier than after an actual ER.  Aside from no bumbling anesthesiologist (who is still working there BTW, I saw him last week) jabbing needles in my hands, I'd say it was about the same.

Less than 24hrs until transfer and then the testing countdown begins!

Ouch

More than ouch actually....I've got mild/moderate OHSS and holy shit this hurts.  Starting yesterday morning I had pains that fell somewhere between food poisoning and labor.  No weight gain, but it was also accompanied by diarrhea, so that could by why.  I spent most of yesterday curled around a heating pad, which is how I'm sitting right now.  It did get a little better for a few hours in the evening, but then returned with a vengence and that is the holding pattern I'm in now.   I talked to the on-call doc this morning, just out of fear that waiting this out might somehow mean a canceled transfer.   He said since there was no retrieval this is somewhat expected and as long as there is no extreme weight gain, shortness of breath or vomitting I should be ok.   He did offer a pain script but said they don't usually like to give those prior to transfer and I agreed, so I'll just tough it out.

Final appt.

At least....last appt. until next Wednesday when we have our transfer!!!  My lining just barely made the cut-off this morning, with a measurement of 6.93 and another of 7.2.  The nurse gave me a thumbs up after measuring and said we were go for transfer.  I was afraid to even post that much this morning for fear they'd either push me another day and cancel or just change their minds altogether.   I will trigger tonight between 6pm and 8pm, no meds tomorrow, and start doxycycline, medrol, and PIO on Saturday.   Our transfer is scheduled for 1:30pm on Wed.  Very happy we have made it this far.