Moved my beta

I've been having trouble with my PIO shots this time through.  They itch.  A LOT.  It isn't immediate, but is still probably some kind of allergic reaction.   I wonder if it has to do with the baby aspirin I've kept taking in hopes of helping implantation.  I know that is why I've bruised much more from them, but they don't hurt, just itch like a mofo.

So anyway, BFN on one of the last two near expired FRERs this morning and the nurse said it was fine to come in this morning so I can stop my shots sooner.  I'm guessing (hoping) this will put cd3 on Friday, before R leaves for a hunting trip.  Also guessing that my ovaries won't be in any shape to cycle again, but maybe we could at least monitor my lining for a natural cycle to see where that gets us.   I put a call in to the IVF coordinator on Thursday, but she hasn't returned my call...probably because she thought I'd have different results by now.

9dpt

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Or not.  Still negative and I'm unofficially calling it.  BFN.  I'm okay today, as I've pretty much known this for 2 days now.   Wednesday was hard.  C has woken up early (and screaming) for 2 mornings in a row, so I've checked on him and then tested while waiting for him to settle back down.  Yesterday I crawled back in bed and just started crying.  R hugged me and said we'll get through this.   Later that day as he was hugging C he said that if he is our only child, we are still pretty damn lucky and he is right.    I stood in the same spot in our yard that I stood and broke down the Mother's Day after my chemical pregnancy, but instead of crying, I was laughing at a little boy taking giant steps in an attempt to squash as many leaves as possible.  I am lucky, and happy, but this is still really hard.

I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that a perfectly healthy looking embryo was placed inside me, and sometime, probably shortly thereafter, it died.  My body killed it.   So I do okay until I look at this picture, and then I feel horrible.

 

I don't really know what to do with this picture.  I don't want to throw it out like it means nothing, but at the same time it serves no purpose anymore than a sad memory.  I guess I'll just tuck it away somewhere and pray I won't be adding any more to the pile.

7dpt

Nothing new to report.  Negative test this morning.  Evap lines on the wondfo and the near expired FRER tonight.  I was *almost* tempted to break out another test that wasn't crap to see, but the last remaining bit of my sanity kept me in check.   I realize evap lines mean nothing, but somehow they aren't as harsh as stark white.  So still clinging to hope.

6dpt

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Still negative and officially past BFP point with my first IVF.  I also discovered that SIX of my eight FRERs expire this month.  I buy all my tests on ebay and figured they'd get used up before now when I bought them in the summer.  And apparently when you have a FRER that expires the month you are using it, you can see the test line as the pee moves across the window.  What a cruel, cruel trick.  I know it is still too early to call it officially, but this is getting depressing and frustrating.  Trying to cycle again before Christmas will be a huge clusterfuck, if at all possible.  And frankly, I don't think I can take another cycle of trying to work things out around R's precious fucking hunting plans.   He was gone this whole past weekend, so no taking it easy for me.  He seriously went as far as mentioning cutting my bedrest short if transfer had been on Thursday.   So I get the joyous priorities talk to look forward to again as well.

5dpt

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

I can only hope the above is true right now.   The trigger is finally gone.  This morning's test was basically negative with maybe an evap line and I double checked later this afternoon with a clear blue test that came with some digitals and it was clearly negative.   No signs or symptoms making me think anything in either direction.  For my own future reference, I will say that I've had some cramps that kind of seem like the implantation craps I had with C, but not as consistent.  I also had heartburn for the first time in forever (one benefit of endless suppression) yesterday so I'm willing to bet that at least my progesterone level is good.

I guess I'm doing pretty well so far, but I know I'm over-emotional in general right now.  I don't feel as....I don't know if desperate is the right word, but something like that, as I did with my first IVF, but the weepiness is creeping in.  Tomorrow evening marks the point where I got my BFP with C.   So I'm sure the wait will be much worse after that.  I really wish I could work out like a normal TTC person, but the nurse specifically said I shouldn't even use the elliptical until after beta if I was the type to second guess things, which I am.   If I still don't have a BFP by Monday I think I may start easing back into a routine.

Well this might be anticlimatic

As far as I can tell, the damn trigger shot still isn't out of my system.  For my fresh cycle it was gone by transfer day, so 7 days after trigger.  I'm now 10 days past trigger and still getting faint lines on cheapies.   1 and 2dpt were definitely dark enough to be the trigger, yesterday and today could possibly just be the result of cheap tests but I didn't want to double check with a better test because regardless of the result I'd still be in the same position with a wasted test since it is too early to call a real BFP without obvious negatives in between. 

Hard to see, but this is this morning's test.

 ***NOT A BFP PIC!!!***

I'm actually hoping for a blank test tomorrow so I can be sure about future results.

Post transfer timeline

I did this with my IVF cycle, so I figured I'd do it again.  I came across this somewhere on the Bump boards I think, and it it is pretty damn helpful

This is a timeline for what happens during/after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer.

this is what happens in a 3dt :
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5 day transfer:
- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So hopefully our little embie is hatching its way on to implantation today.   Still on bedrest right now...I can get up sometime after 2pm.  I don't remember feeling this crampy the first time, but I'm guessing that doesn't mean much either way at this point.  I started feeling implantation cramps around 3dp5dt with C, so I know my over-analyzing of symptoms will really begin then.

PUPO!

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Transfer went fine.  I still don't know much about embryos and grading, so one of our 5 day embryos that looked beautiful at the time of freezing didn't look as great after the thaw, but still good quality with all cells alive and growing, just not fully expanded.  I thought we had one that was hatching, but we transferred the first one they thawed so I'm not sure how they chose them.   It was a different RE than our fresh transfer, but he still gave us a 50% chance or better based on my brief rundown of my history (since he'd never had to review my case) so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Also, we left C with a non-family sitter for the first time and he was awesome!  We haven't told any family we are cycling again and my sister is away (she helped out for my surgery), so our neighbor came over.   I was a little worried that he'd get really clingy as soon as she walked in, but we just gave him some crackers, said goodbye and everything was fine.   Next step...teenage babysitters.

Double ouch.

I realized tonight that I've been drawing up and injecting my PIO with the wrong needles.   The syringes come with one needle that can twist off and be replaced with another gauge needle.  I was wondering why it was so freaking hard to draw up the PIO this time around.  Yeah...I was using the 22 gauge needle to draw it up and injecting myself with an 18 gauge needle.  My poor butt is so sore.

I finally started to feel better today.  Time does make you forget some pain, but I can't say this wait period or whatever you call it was any easier than after an actual ER.  Aside from no bumbling anesthesiologist (who is still working there BTW, I saw him last week) jabbing needles in my hands, I'd say it was about the same.

Less than 24hrs until transfer and then the testing countdown begins!

Ouch

More than ouch actually....I've got mild/moderate OHSS and holy shit this hurts.  Starting yesterday morning I had pains that fell somewhere between food poisoning and labor.  No weight gain, but it was also accompanied by diarrhea, so that could by why.  I spent most of yesterday curled around a heating pad, which is how I'm sitting right now.  It did get a little better for a few hours in the evening, but then returned with a vengence and that is the holding pattern I'm in now.   I talked to the on-call doc this morning, just out of fear that waiting this out might somehow mean a canceled transfer.   He said since there was no retrieval this is somewhat expected and as long as there is no extreme weight gain, shortness of breath or vomitting I should be ok.   He did offer a pain script but said they don't usually like to give those prior to transfer and I agreed, so I'll just tough it out.

Final appt.

At least....last appt. until next Wednesday when we have our transfer!!!  My lining just barely made the cut-off this morning, with a measurement of 6.93 and another of 7.2.  The nurse gave me a thumbs up after measuring and said we were go for transfer.  I was afraid to even post that much this morning for fear they'd either push me another day and cancel or just change their minds altogether.   I will trigger tonight between 6pm and 8pm, no meds tomorrow, and start doxycycline, medrol, and PIO on Saturday.   Our transfer is scheduled for 1:30pm on Wed.  Very happy we have made it this far.

I (he) DID IT!!!

Happy Halloween!!   C was such a little trooper tonight and I am so proud of him.  Not only did he wear the costume, but we went trick or treating around a good portion of our development.  Everyone loved the costume and he had a great time!

appt #7 - not good at all

I think today was the first time I've cried on the u/s table.  The nurse tried really hard but the best measurement she could get was 6.9, with most attempts falling between 6.5 and 6.7, with one even as low as 6.1!  They don't know why this is happening, there is a small chance my body is trying to surge despite the Ganirelix and a progesterone increase is causing it temporarily, but I took an OPK and the test line was practically nonexistent, so I doubt that is the case.  I managed to hold it together most of the way home, but then Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on and I lost it.   At least I was able to come home to snuggles from both R and C, who were curled up on couch watching Thomas the Train while they waited for me.

Best case scenario they push me another 2 days, worst case they trigger me tonight and it is canceled now.  So things don't look promising.  Biggest follicle is 25 and I've got almost 8 within mature range after a trigger, so we can't even say fuck it and try on our own as a last resort.    The nurse made it sound like there are plenty of other protocols out there, but really, natural FET is the only completely different protocol, other options are just variations on meds and dosages to the best of my knowledge.    I did find this article, which talks a little about treatment of thin lining.  No idea if it is a load of crap or not, but it seems relatively legit, and of those 3 causes, we've ruled out low estrogen....leaving poor blood flow and/or damaged lining.  Of course the last line in the article made me cry again.

It is still cloudy and rather cold IMO here, but I guess Trick or Treating is still on, so I promise to try my best to get C into his rooster costume for a picture, but for now....I give you his back up costume.

 

 And just because he is so adorable and I need to AW my pinterest ispiration decor:

appt #6

Rather disappointing.  I saw one of my favorite nurses, and from looking at yesterday's stats, she started talking about triggering tonight with a transfer of next Saturday which got me feeling really optimistic, but then she measured my lining and even taking extra time she only got a 6.9.  It does look better on the screen than it did for my first FET, so I am still hoping we'll see progress.  There is also an endometrial cyst in there now, but supposedly that shouldn't mess anything up and could be gone by tomorrow.   My follicles are getting a little squished now...I've got a 17, a 12, 11x17 and a 10x21.  They are hoping to push me a few more days.  Not sure what I'll be facing tomorrow, the wind is starting to pick up now and it has been raining non-stop since Saturday night.   The nurse said they'll be there though because they've got a few retrievals.  My heart goes out to those poor ladies....I can't imagine the added stress of a hurricane on top of the pressure of a fresh IVF cycle.

And finally, I am proud to report, after a tough fight with 3lbs of bloat this week, I'm within 5lbs of my goal weight.   Even if I don't see any more progress from here on out, I feel that like is so much more of an accomplishment than just being within 10lbs of my goal.

****
Thankfully they are giving me tomorrow off (since we don't have to worry about follicle size too much) and I go back in Wednesday.

Appt #5

I actually had yesterday off.  I would like to say I got to sleep in, but C was awake at 4am, then again at 6am, and up for the morning at 7:20 (plus being up at 11:45...yay teething!).  So it could have been worse, but not the break I'd hoped for.  Oh well, R was thrilled because it meant he could go hunting at the assbreak of dawn.  Sooo not a morning person.

Weekends are a little different for monitoring in that there are no set appointments.  I took a little advantage of this and tried once again to sleep in, but C was up again at 6am...up for good at 7:15 (yes, I'm well aware that this is lightyears better than his 5am wakeups that were the norm from 4-7 months) so I left around 7:30 while R took care of breakfast.  The whole thing took around an hour and there were a ton more people than what I see during the week since I go in so early.   Nice thing about the weekends is the monitoring is usually done by one of the actual RE's, so I saw the other female doc in the practice.   Knowing her personality from prior experience (very good but to the point, no wasting time and pretty blunt) I didn't expect amazing results, and was pretty happy with a lining measurement of 7.11.  Right ovary is doing very little at this point, with the biggest follie about an 8.  The left is the performer this time, with a 17, a 15, 12, and 11.  Meds stayed the same and I go back in tomorrow, weather permitting.

Oh oh oh....one other thing that I just have to put out there.  Someone cycling this time through is a total MORON.  Every.single.time I've gone in, some douchebag has taken their disposable paper cover and jammed it in the basket clearly labeled cloth gowns.  Seriously, how inconsiderate or dumb can you be?

appt #4

About the same as yesterday, which I expected with the Ganirelix.  I'm still right with my measurements for my fresh cycle....same higher lining measurement, then a thinner one after the first Ganirelix shot, except my lining was a 6.7 today as opposed to 6.3 at this point with fresh.   I am starting to feel a little discomfort now and I've definitely got some bloat going on.  Trying to keep up with my harder workouts, but I think today will be it and I'll have to settle for just the elliptical for a bit.   I'm within 7lbs of my between kids goal weight so it is really hard to let go of the weight loss.

At least things still seem to be moving pretty quickly.   You'd think with a full time job the first time through and being a SAHM mom now it would be the other way around, but since I more or less fill my time with things I WANT to do, rather than miserable deadlines, this is so much better.   I'm almost done Cs costume and it looks awesome.  Bad news is, there is a slim to none chance he will let me get it on him, as he has recently decided any putting on of clothes is the end of the world.    I'm hoping R and I can tag team and get it on just long enough for a picture, but I highly doubt and actual trick or treating will occur, which is rather disappointing, but with all the talk of Hurricane Sandy barreling towards us, Halloween night may be too windy and wet anyway.

appt #3

Much better.  Same nurse as Monday and she took a little more time trying to find a thicker point to measure and got a 7.19!!  She even remeasured and was still getting around a 7.   She said measurements can vary based on differnent planes, but it looked good.    Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people that didn't need the details and could be happy with a simple "looks good", as it would probably save a lot of temporary disappointment.   The lab tech was the same one as yesterday and she is rough, but she did get the vein again so I can deal.  As I told her, I'd rather have it hurt in one arm than get stuck multiple times.  

I will probably start Ganirelix tonight.  I don't really have much discomfort, but it is amazing how much better I am responding to Follistim than the Bravelle I used for IUIs.  I didn't get any of the follie measurements today, but both ovaries had at least 3 follicles, which is a beautiful thing!

***
Starting Ganirelix, E2 is 173.5ish and I go back in tomorrow.

monitoring #2

Not great.   I went through this same thing in past cycles,  one tech gives one lining measurement, then the next appt a different tech gives a thinner one!  Today my lining was only 4.8 (hell, it could have even said 4.18, all I know is it sucked).   Follicles were right in line with what I expected...still 4-5 on the left with the biggest around a 9x10.   The nurse still said everything looked good since my E2 was still probably low, but I know its not THAT low.   The labtech did manage to get a vein on the first try, but she did it by holding the needle at a downward angle the whole time (as opposed to letting it rest naturally).  Holy crap did that hurt and I was sure the vein was going to blow and be lost for further use, but it still looks okay.  I meant to ask a few questions about exercise and baby aspirin (at one point my RE had me on that for an IUI to help improve blood flow) but I forgot.   I doubt my exercising is hurting my lining, and its not like I'm doing Insanity or anything, but I've kept up the same level of working out that has lost me 7lbs in the past month so I'll ask when the nurse calls back.

***
Nurse called and I'm still cleared to workout, and she did say to start the aspirin as it can't hurt, but my E2 jumped to 130, which brings me back in tomorrow to see if I need to start the Ganirelix.  I've never had monitoring space out again after going to daily appts...so the find a vein shitshow begins.       

1st monitoring appt.

Surprisingly, I'm actually right on track for where I was at this time with my fresh cycle, despite the lower dose of follistim.  With IVF #1 I had about 6-10 follicles on the left, with the biggest at an 8, and a lining of 5.8.  I couldn't really see the screen today, but there were a few small follicles on the right, and about 4-5 on the left with the biggest around a 7.  My lining was actually 5.5, so I'm really hoping it continues to stay on track and this won't be any longer than my fresh cycle (which would put me at trigger time next tuesday).    I will probably get tomorrow off and go in Wednesday, which is good, because the lab tech hit both arms again.

****
My E2 is 64 and I will go back in Wednesday.

Baseline is done.

Lower dose was right.  They are putting me on only 100 units of Follistim (compared to 350 for reg IVF) and no low dose HCG!  Gah!  I spent 3 days last week going back and forth with the pharmacy and the RE getting the order straigtened out because they said I needed it and now I don't.  Very frustrating.

Baseline looked good, lining is only at 4mm before AF has even showed, so hopefully it will be a light one.  Of course the lab tech hit both arms trying to find a vein, despite warnings about how tricky they are.  Everytime they do it they tell me something different to tell them next time and the outcome is always the same.  Ouch.

Meds training was fast because I've done it all before, but I left very frustrated.  In addition to the hassle I mentioned above, I feel like they are being waaayyy too conservative.    Only 100 IUs of Follistim from Friday until Monday, when I have my 1st monitoring appt and then maybe I'll add in Ganirelix, which does nothing other than keep me from surging on my own, after that.    So they aren't aiming for half the follicles, they are aiming for ONE! WTF.   It took 21 follicles to get a lining of 8.5, how in hell do they think one will do the job.   I asked why they'd take this approach when my best result for an IUI with 1 mature follicle was a lining of 6.5.   The nurse looked a little concerned and the best answer she could come up with was Follistim is better than Bravelle for my lining and the Ganirelix will give that follicle more time to produce natural estrogen, because like a fresh cycle, I won't be on any estrace until after trigger.   She did say we could up the dose as well, so I'm sure I'll be on 200 IUs by next friday.  Good news is I won't have an limited restrictions until close to transfer.

ETA:  I guess my questions got some wheels rolling, because in the time this sat for a few hours as a draft, I got a call back from the nurse (which sent me into mini oh shit my b/w is wacked mode because they never call after early baselines).  She spoke with my RE, who said that although the HCG won't help my lining, it might help create a stronger, healthier follicle(s), which in turn could help my lining.  Either way it can't hurt and I feel better doing that little extra.  So when in doubt:  ask, ask, ask!!!

So here is everything but the low dose HCG, as the nurse said that what I've got is my trigger, even though I used the same thing as low dose last time.