Surgery is scheduled!

Oct. 14 at 2:30 (tentative time). My pre-op is this Thursday because the following week is transfer week and my RE is booked. Post-op will be Oct. 23 where we will go over the next steps.

I can't catch a break...

I almost broke down at work on friday. Mostly work related with endless deadlines piling up and/or getting moved (always forward of course, never back), but also not knowing when this surgery is going to be. I finally left a message for the coordinator this morning, naturally her voicemail says she'll try to return calls within 2 business days.

On Saturday R's best friend came up from DC for the weekend, so I had been looking forward to hanging out with them and joining them for dinner, but his friend wanted to go to some disgusting BBQ place where everything was fried and gooey (seriously, I think they fried the salads too) so I opted out and hung out by myself.

On Sunday, R went with said friend and a few others to a NASCAR race. I hate nascar and I just don't get it. My cats are too intelligent to watch something go in circles for hours on end. Anyway, it poured most of Sunday morning, so I entertained myself by making a huge batch of chili, figuring R would be hungry when he got home. Around 6:30 or so I get a call that everyone around them is stuck in the mud and they can't get R's truck out until the other idiots free up whatever POS cars they stupidly chose to drive onto a muddy field. I said whatever and hung up. I ate dinner alone and tried to find something to watch but every damn show had a pregnant woman on it (did you know Pam from the Office is KU now too? guess her wedding wasn't a fun enough plot line).

R finally came home close to 11 and made all kinds of racket outside (apparently the neighbor was peeing in our driveway or something...WTF). I suppose it is better that I got a BFN yesterday, because I would have been piiiiisssed if I had to wait all day while his brain cells dwindled at nascar to tell him.

So yeah, BFN at 11 dpo, a rather low temp this morning considering I was more or less awake from 4am until temp time, but no AF yet. I feel like shit today too, like I do when I'm starting a particularly bad AF, only without the cramps. Just nausea, hot flashes and dizziness. This better not be the flu.

Got my flu shot.

The first time since I was little. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Not a whole lot more painful than my depo shots used to be, just burns quite a bit longer. I debated whether to go and get it this week or wait. Somehow I felt like if I got it now I would jinx myself out of a BFP because I'd be prepared for it. I know, silly. I decided to get it this morning because I had an unbusy moment at work, and I knew I wouldn't want to be dealing with that + BCPs + AF next week.

Speaking of BCPs, I am also debating when I should fill the script for that. If I do it now, Murphy's Law will step in, AF won't show and I'll be out the money, right? Wouldn't that be nice. Or I could wait, but then AF would surely show a day early and I wouldn't be able to start them until cd2.

7dpo...AF is due monday. I guess I have been lucky in that when the suckiness that is AF shows, it has been close the end of week so I don't have to suffer at work. Starting on a Monday really blows.

Can we fast forward a week?

I've never been good about being patient in the 2ww, but this is killing me. I am only 5dpo and I am already recording every little sign/symptom, which in the end I know could mean nothing. By next monday I will know whether I will be headed for surgery or my 1st trimester. God, I hope it is the second one. It will take all the willpower I have not to start POAS at 8dpo.

RE consult

Nothing too surprising, I will need surgery if this isn't my BFP cycle. All my bloodwork came back fine (so did H's) and apparently I have awesome cholestorol levels. My FSH level was 6.3, which is good (apparently 10-12 is considered not so good).

She explained that while my septum is small (incomplete septum), they normally do a hysteroscopy at the same time as the laparoscopy surgery so they will remove it anyway.

So once AF shows, I will start BCPs to keep my lining to a minimum (no way around that...boo), but luckily I don't have to be on them very long if I can get surgery scheduled quickly. So best case scenario I will only have to be on them 3 weeks and stopping them should jumpstart a new cycle...that is only missing half of my normal cycles!

The plan right now will be to start Clomid the cycle after the surgery. I will meet with her one week post-op to discuss if the results require something more agressive.

Oh, I was hugely relieved that if this is our BFP cycle, the septum is not a huge risk (unless the embryo implants on it of course).

Surprisingly calm now.

I really thought I'd be a mess this whole week. Aside from a few freakouts, I have managed to not worry too much about tomorrow's appointment. Honestly, I am more worried that they will make me go on BC pills if I need surgery than the possibility of the surgery itself. I hate BCPs, I'd rather abstain for a whole month than deal with the water retention and mood swings. Unless they have a new kind out that guarantees you'll lose 30lbs, I will attempt to refuse them.

Tomorrow will be the first time R will meet the RE. He hasn't really asked many questions about this whole process. I suggested that we talk about what the RE might cover tomorrow. His response? "We are just going to talk about your junkdrawer" (I just about fell out of my seat when he used that term...hilarious). At least I'll know what the RE is talking about, if he wants to sit there like a deer in headlights, fine by me. Maybe it will be a good wake up call that this involves both of us, not just fixing whatever is broken with me.

And once again it is O time. I thought about calling the RE and asking if we should be trying this cycle. The u/s tech explained that a septate uterus could cause miscarriage (inevitable if the embryo implants on the septum) or pre-term labor(PTL) due to IUGR. However, since I do not know if the septum is even big enough to cause any problems at all, I figure we may as well keep trying. Lets hope October brings a BFP rather than BCPs.

I'm scared

I am scared all the time. I rarely let it show through, but what if we can't have kids? What if nothing works? What if there is no way to afford it? There are so many what ifs, I try not to think past tomorrow but it doesn't work. We have the basics going for us - I ovulate and R's stats are normal, but that is all I'm holding on to. Again and again I read about couples where everything works...but something doesn't add up to the desired result. Who's to say that won't be us?

I don't know what to expect and I don't know where we are going next. That scares me.

Also, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone on this day.

FML

While I am sitting here at work pondering what the RE is going to say next week, I get this phone call:

Me: hello, L speaking how may I help you?

volunteer: Hi L! How's the baby?

me: uh...WHAT?!

volunteer: oh...sorry, I could have sworn you had a baby....I know you didn't just get married so I thought you had a baby.

me: no...that was [ex-coworker]


I should have a baby by now, seeing as how I probably started trying before co-worker did, but no, no such luck. At least she hasn't brought the baby in so everyone can fawn over it. I would seriously consider being out of the office when she does if I knew ahead of time. The endless facebook pictures were bad enough. I just don't think I could deal with it right now.

HSG - All clear!

First I would like to say that Lorazepam is my friend, if you doctor is willing to give it to you, I'd get it for this procedure. It also helped my nerves greatly.

My HSG had to be done in the radiology unit of our local hospital, so after being shuffled around and told to wait for a while we got in to a regular radiology room. I guess I expected an OB table, but no, I had slide myself up on this flat exam table (while clutching my stupid gown that only tied at the top). There was one nurse there from my RE and she explained the procedure again. Unluckily, the radiologists only had one size speculum on hand, so that was the first extra uncomfortable part. Then she inserts the catheter and holy hell could I feel that! She pauses and said as soon as the radiologist comes in we'll get started. Meanwhile I can feel the damn cath pushing on my insides. Finally the guy comes into room and we get started, I really didn't feel the dye at all (probably because of the catheter pain). I didn't have much time to really look at the screen, but they did say that both tubes were clear!

So now R and I just need to schedule an appointment with the RE to discuss all of this and where we go from here.

Had my sono

Overall it wasn't that bad, but it certainly wasn't painless either. My instructions said to take 600mg of ibuprofen and hour before, well I took 800 just in case. I saw the same u/s tech that did my initial workup, and she was really great and told me a funny story that made laugh and barely feel her inserting the catheter. What hurt the most was the saline, which caused pretty painful cramping and it still rather uncomfortable an hour later.
I am not sure which view showed what, but I think the side angle looked clear, which was great. Then she shifted the angle and the sono showed what she pointed out as batman eyes, meaning a septum. She took some pictures and said she'd have my RE look at them and decide if surgery was necessary. So now it looks like the question isn't just whether I will need surgery, but how many I will need.

SA results are in!

I put in a call to the RE because AF isn't fully gone and my sono is tomorrow (turns out that isn't a problem), so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask when we'd get SA results, and she put me through to the lab.

count = above 30 million (anything over 20mil is normal)
motility = 53% (over 50 is normal)
morph = 7% (between 5 and 14 is normal)

I am a little concerned about the morph, but my biggest fear was that we'd have nothing to work with at all. The lab tech said with these numbers there is no reason to not expect an un-assisted pregnancy. This is a huge relief. I was so worried about possibly getting a double set of bad news in the office tomorrow, most likely alone since it doesn't look like R can get of work two days in a row (yeah, I had a secret mini-meltdown about that last night). I feel much better now.

Life isn't fair.

The Duggar family is pregnant with child #19. That's right, this woman has popped out 19 kids in the past 20 years, saying they are so happy that God has decided to bless them. So what about the rest of us? Don't we deserve to be "blessed" too? Wonderful women like MrsSummitCounty, whose baby girl was diagnosed with Potters' Syndrome at 21weeks and is incompatible with life, or Autumnbride102007, who after four IUI's finally got that BFP, only discover yesterday that her beta had fallen to 13 and they were losing their miracle, not to mention the countless other women out there. How is that fair? So to all those strong women out there still trying for that miracle baby, you are in my thoughts and prayers. To the duggars and others with litters of children, you don't make the cut.