Baseline is done.

Lower dose was right.  They are putting me on only 100 units of Follistim (compared to 350 for reg IVF) and no low dose HCG!  Gah!  I spent 3 days last week going back and forth with the pharmacy and the RE getting the order straigtened out because they said I needed it and now I don't.  Very frustrating.

Baseline looked good, lining is only at 4mm before AF has even showed, so hopefully it will be a light one.  Of course the lab tech hit both arms trying to find a vein, despite warnings about how tricky they are.  Everytime they do it they tell me something different to tell them next time and the outcome is always the same.  Ouch.

Meds training was fast because I've done it all before, but I left very frustrated.  In addition to the hassle I mentioned above, I feel like they are being waaayyy too conservative.    Only 100 IUs of Follistim from Friday until Monday, when I have my 1st monitoring appt and then maybe I'll add in Ganirelix, which does nothing other than keep me from surging on my own, after that.    So they aren't aiming for half the follicles, they are aiming for ONE! WTF.   It took 21 follicles to get a lining of 8.5, how in hell do they think one will do the job.   I asked why they'd take this approach when my best result for an IUI with 1 mature follicle was a lining of 6.5.   The nurse looked a little concerned and the best answer she could come up with was Follistim is better than Bravelle for my lining and the Ganirelix will give that follicle more time to produce natural estrogen, because like a fresh cycle, I won't be on any estrace until after trigger.   She did say we could up the dose as well, so I'm sure I'll be on 200 IUs by next friday.  Good news is I won't have an limited restrictions until close to transfer.

ETA:  I guess my questions got some wheels rolling, because in the time this sat for a few hours as a draft, I got a call back from the nurse (which sent me into mini oh shit my b/w is wacked mode because they never call after early baselines).  She spoke with my RE, who said that although the HCG won't help my lining, it might help create a stronger, healthier follicle(s), which in turn could help my lining.  Either way it can't hurt and I feel better doing that little extra.  So when in doubt:  ask, ask, ask!!!

So here is everything but the low dose HCG, as the nurse said that what I've got is my trigger, even though I used the same thing as low dose last time.

Last day of BCPs!

Finally! I actually can't complain much this time around though...I don't think I've had any bloating and no other unpleasant side effects, but it is nice to be done with them anyway.   All my meds came...I'll post the obligatory med pic after my baseline, since I've got to haul them all in to the office anyway.  From looking at what I've got I will be on a much lower dose of Follistim.  I've only got 4 boxes of 600 IUs, last time I think I had 3 boxes of 900 IUs and boxes of 600 IUs donated from a friend.  

At least time seems to be moving pretty quick and I hope it stays that way.  I've got a good start on C's costume, we got pumpkins today and went through a little corn maze.  Tomorrow I'm finally using a gift certificate I've had for a massage, and because it is part of this really nice gym, I get access to everything all day so I'm planning to swim for tomorrow's workout.  I'm proud to say I've really stuck with daily workouts and I am almost 30lbs under where I was when I took my last BCPs for IVF #1 and 20lbs under BFP weight.   I know I'll have to cut back drastically as soon as stims start, but I feel good about where I am now and that is what matters.  If this works, losing weight will take a back seat, and if it doesn't, I think I can get back on track pretty fast.

: S

That's a face if you can't tell.  About the same face I made when talking to the IVF coordinator.  Since I didn't really know when I was starting stims, and it took nearly a week just to get my regular FET meds ordered last time, I called to ask when I should expect to hear from the pharmacy.  The orders went in today and I start stims on the 19th, so a little later than I thought, but it should line up to be right at cd3 (5 days after stopping BCPs).   I will have a trigger shot, but no retrieval (cue the face).  I can't imagine that will be the slightest bit comfortable, and paired with the horrid stomach pains from the doxycycline that I had my last IVF, it should be a grand old time.   Transfer is set somewhere in the beginning of Nov...hopefully the 1st or the 2nd, because I think the 3rd is a Saturday and then they'd probably push me to the 5th.  I will also be on Ganirelix again, so the only difference is no idiot anesthesiologist and retrieval.  Obviously I'll take things one day at a time and make the best of it, but I hope I feel okay for Halloween.  I've decided that C is going to be a rooster, and I'll be making the costume myself.  This was my inspiration:

"things happen for a reason"

Much of the time I hate that quote, because there are soooo many bad things happening all the time that just can't be reasoned with, but lately I've found myself thinking that it actually applies to me/us right now. 

Two days after our FET was canceled, C had his 15 month appt.  It went fine, but the pedi noticed that one leg had an extra crease/fat roll, and that combined with my history of hip dysplasia, meant we were headed off for x-rays.  Though I'm a long time veteran to the good old x-ray machine myself, I had no idea how they'd do with a toddler.  So when it came down to it, I have to say that luckily I was not pregnant so I was able to stay right with C the whole time and not leave him in a cold room with a stranger (BTW...x-rays were normal!)

Fast forward to yesterday.  C wakes with a fever of 102.  I gave him some advil, it came down and I chalked it up to teething.  Well, last night it went up to 104.9 and by morning we noticed a slight rash, though at least we managed to keep the fever between 101-103 since that spike.   By the time we got him in to the pedi's office, the rash was on his neck and face....Roseola.   The poor kid is miserable, but apparently this is something that almost every child gets somehow, usually before age 2.  Once you have it, it stays with you like chicken pox and you won't get it again.  I've already had it so I *should* be immune, but once again, it looks like it was/is actually a good thing I'm not currently pregnant, because even if this turns out to be something I can catch on top of Roseola, I only have to worry about me and not a baby.   Hoping my little guy feels better soon.

BCPs again

I hate BCPs.   When the one nurse mentioned a mini-stim cycle, I was thinking something along the lines of an IUI cycle.  Instead, we'll be replicating my fresh IVF cycle on a smaller scale...so all the drugs, all the appointments, bloodwork and pain, with hopefully half the follicles.   I start BCPs tonight and continue them for a little over 3 weeks.  Not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but I'm pissed that they waited until the last fucking minute to tell me this.    I asked if it was possible to just start now since I've been suppressed for essentially 3 months, but no, something about the potential for estrogen producing cysts since I just had a period.  How a provera induced period is any different from the induced period I'll have when I stop BCPs I don't know, but it is protocol for everyone cycling for IVF/FET.

So nothing to do now until my baseline on Oct. 16th.  I'm guessing I'll start Follistim (or Gonal-F) that night, as well as low dose HCG.  They aren't sure if I'll need Ganirelix yet, which raises a lot of questions in my mind for how this works, but I guess I don't need to know it all right now.   They've got me penciled in for monitoring from Oct. 22-Nov.2, but hopefully I won't need that many and I already expressed concerns about the difficulty the lab techs have.   I cannot have multiple consecutive days of bloodwork if they are going to botch it up and hit both arms every day.   Looking at my fresh cycle, I stimmed for 11 days, so going off of that I'm guessing my "retrieval" day would be the 29th.  Don't know if I will actually take a trigger to ovulate, or if I'll just start prepping for transfer and the follicles die off when I start PIO.   Putting the cart way before the horse, my due date would be somewhere in late July.   Amazing how fast you can go from swearing you could never be really pregnant in summer to possibly being just that because its better than nothing.

mmm...coffee

Officially canceled now and I started Provera last night.  The realist in me had the foresight to buy my Bailey's coffee creamer on Thursday, so I am happily enjoying coffee for the first time in over a month.    The lining check showed no improvement at all, if anything the measurements seemed worse, with the ideal placement spot for an embryo only measuring at a 5.   At least I don't have to wait for my body to do its own thing.   The other good thing about provera is that I don't have to worry about AF ruining my trip to Chicago.  So cd1 should be sometime around Sept. 20th and I'll call to set up cd3 labs.   I'll probably give them a call sometime next week to find out what they are thinking and timelines for possible protocols.   R is now seriously considering a new job in 2013, so we'll likely be losing our IF coverage (but potentially gaining the difference in salary) so taking a break cycle as a mock natural FET may not happen after all.

Done all we can do.

Ok...this time it really is the final call.  They can't push anything any farther without changing my transfer date.   I'd like to say I'm not letting myself get too hopeful that maybe this will work, but I'd be lying....there is always that little voice rattling off the "what ifs" of a successful cycle.   I'm a little ashamed to admit I've let myself go off the deep end a bit these past two days.  As soon as that call came in from the RE, I started chugging water like it was my job, picked up POM juice at the grocery store, and pulled out some old FertileCM supplements from past natural cycles.   I even googled fertility yoga (I know, I can't believe it either).  It wasn't all in that OMG this has to work desperation mode, but more like, well shit, I can't hurt anything at this point, so why not throw everything I've got at it?   And it not like its been time consuming, I've been going about my day with C as normal, which really helps keep the regular crazy at bay.  If nothing else, I've done a good job of getting more water into my diet.

Canceled (or not...maybe)

I left the house this morning with hope, but honestly I spent most of the drive to the office thinking about other protocols and when to cycle next.  So I wasn't the least be shocked to find my lining hasn't improved.  At all.   The extra estrace did nothing.   The nurse said she'll talk to the IVF coordinators and they will call me back today about stopping meds.  I said I'd rather not be on Lupron again and I thought taking a break for a natural cycle might be a good idea.  I ran into one of my favorite nurses on the way out and she said we could try either natural FET or a mini-stim cycle next.   I am disappointed and frustrated that I've wasted a month of my life sticking myself with a needle daily for nothing, but at least we didn't lose anything beyond that.

*****

Well, my RE reviewed things from this morning and thinks we still have a shot at this cycle.  I am switching from 6mg orally and 2mg vaginally of estrace a day to 4mg each a day and I'll go back in Saturday for one more check.  It make things pretty tight med-wise for a Wednesday transfer and I'm rather doubtful about this, but what are a few more days going hurt?

Wed. Sept 12th

Is our new tentative transfer date.  Thankfully, they were able to find an ultrasonographer to come in on Wednesday.  So that is a huge relief because as long as everything looks good this week, nothing will be done differently on the transfer end.   Even cutting bedrest short by a few hours would make me hesitate because this is our best embryo and we get one shot.  I'd rather wait and do it right, than feel at fault if it fails.   So everything rests with my lining issues now.  I've got the signs that my E2 levels are soaring, but I have no idea if the necessarily means my lining is growing.   Particularly since I'm still on Lupron, which I know is what is fucking things up.  Even if they put me on stims, its not like I'd up and ovulate with 14 days, but I guess having even a medium follicle because of lowering the Lupron dose could mess up things.   I still feel like staying on 10ml a day is going to screw me over.

Not the appt I hoped for

My lining isn't good.  It is somewhere between 6 and 6.5 and they want to at least 7.  It doesn't sound like a big difference, but only cycle where my lining has ever been more than a 7 was my fresh IVF.  If I can't get a decent lining to grow on stimulant hormones, I really doubt a week with a few extra estrogen pills is going to help.    I don't know why I didn't brace myself for this scenario.   So of course I come home in tears and R is supportive, but immediately goes to the old...me being negative.  He said this is just the beginning and he doesn't want to go through all this again with me getting so worked up over a bump in the road.   Awesome...guess I need to work on internalizing emotion again.    To add to all this, C and I fly to Chicago for a wedding on the 14th.  My flight is 11ish and several family members will be on the same plane (none of who know we are cycling of course).  I am waiting for someone to get back to me about making a special exception and do a transfer on Wednesday the 12th, because right now the only transfers blocks in the schedule are Thursday afternoon, which won't give me 24hrs bedrest before getting on the plane.

So as of right now, I continue on the 10ml of Lupron a night and the 6mg of Estrace orally.  I am adding in 1mg of Estrace vaginally 2x a day and I have to schedule an appt. next week for another lining check.

T minus 2 weeks

Tentantive transfer date is two weeks from yesterday, so I'm now within the timeframe of my fresh IVF cycle.   So far I've done a pretty good job of not really thinking past the current stage of meds/cycling, but the nervousness is definitely creeping in.   The embryo we are hoping to transfer is already hatching, just like C was.  If this cycle fails, it seems like only downhill from here.   Right now I'm trying to just continue on with daily life as though nothing is going to be any different.  I been focusing on working out and trying to lose weight and that has been a good distraction.   I don't want to end up in a downward cycle like I did the first time through, gaining too much weight because I was forever telling myself that I could be pregnant soon so it wouldn't matter.   I'm feeling pretty good right now physically, about 12lbs under BFP weight (23lbs under weight on BCPs for IVF #1) and a lot more of that is muscle this time through.   I will cut back closer to transfer and I won't be doing tons of burpees or anything after the transfer, but I'd like to stay somewhat active in the 2ww.   So ready to be done with this Lupron though....fatigue and headaches all the time.  I'm also convinced that it is making me bloat, because no matter what I do, I haven't been able to drop and keep off a single pound.

the gangs all here

Including AF, that nasty bitch.  I swear the cramps have been so bad that it feels like someone is trying to pull my legs out of the hip sockets.

Anyway,the rest of my meds arrived on Tuesday.   Mentally it feels like FET is a lot less medication, but really, it is only 2 less shots.

Clockwise from left: alchol swabs, Lupron and needles, 3 boxes of Progesterone in Oil,

 Sharps container, Estrace, Doxycycline, Medrol, Needles for PIO, and BCPs (done now).

This morning I had my first lining check and everything looked good.  Of course the lab tech couldn't find a damn vein so I got stuck in both arms.  So, so thankful I don't have more monitoring for 2 weeks.   Tomorrow I start Estrace....half a pill twice daily, and I drop my Lupron to 10ml a day.   After about 5 days I bump up the estrace to 2 pills a day, and 10 days from now I take 3 pills a day.   



We meet again, old friend.

Ah....injections.  Once again I've come to that point in my life where I never thought I'd be saying, if we are lucky I'll be doing some type of shot for the next 3-4 months!   Yeah....

So I did my first Lupron shot tonight and the shot part was easy.  Shortly after it kind of felt like that ab muscle had been kicked, and by the time I'd gotten halfway through bedtime with C, it was burning and itching like a bee sting.  Awesome.   A half hour later it was no better, and even now (an hour later) the injection site is much warmer than the other side of my stomach.  Dr. google says it is normal and will go away after a few days....I'm a little leery because last week a damn deer fly bit me and the localized reaction on my hand was so bad I had to take off my wedding rings and my knuckles disappeared for 3 days.  At least the itching seems to be gone.   Now to await the other side effects.

No polyps!

So that is good news because that is something that grows back.  What they did remove was most likely STILL retained placenta.  WTF right?  No wonder I had continued trouble with breastfeeding. 

Anyway, surgery wasn't bad...I read over my last surgery post before I went in so everything was fresh in my mind.  They were running behind, so I made sure to keep an eye on my IV bag this time and was able to flag down the nurse before it ran out, when the drip was too fast...stopped entirely, etc.  It was a bit of PIA but at least I knew what to do.  I did mention to the anesthesiologist about how much the anesthesia hurt the last time and she said there was much they could do, but I know she gave me some type of "happy drug" as she put it first, so I barely noticed any pain.   Waking up was a little different.  I remember a bunch of people telling me to wake up and not wanting to.  I also still have my tube in my throat and have a vague recollection of trying to chew on it before they pulled it out.   I don't remember that part from prior surgeries.  Then I zonked back out until I was in recovery, where I discovered I was in so much pain that I started feeling around for Lap incisions just in case.   I guess retained placenta, even little old pieces, can recreate that fun post-delivery manual extraction feeling.   The nurse anesthetist had already told me she'd put toradol in my IV prior to unsedating me, but it wasn't helping.   The shot of phentanyl they put in my IV didn't do jack shit either, so finally they gave a new saline bag and dilaudid, and that did the trick.   I really haven't had much pain since, just feeling a little groggy and tired.

surgery scheduled

As expected, cd1 was Sunday.  Still a very odd feeling to be this laid back about the whole thing since there is no "trying" right now.  As far as I know, my cd 3 labs were normal.  I have BCPs that I probably should have started today, but I'm not starting them until Friday because I know I won't start gearing up to O yet and I want these last few days to nurse C.   Next week I have my pre-op appt on the 20th, along with my meds training since we'll be gone all of July and I start Lupron before we are back from Michigan.   The hysteroscopy is on the 27th.  I'm really hoping whatever they remove doesn't hurt any more than my last one (with the RE, not the emergency one post delivery) so I can be close to normal the next day.  I haven't quite figured out how surgery day is going to work out.  Unluckily C is in that phase where if he knows I'm in the house, he won't stop screaming unless he is with me (or R, Dad is always the cooler option).

Physical and u/s

Meh.   It could have been worse, but I had hoped everything would look fine.  As soon as the image appeared on the monitor I knew someone wasn't quite right.  My lining looked fine, but there was something else in there, showing up white on the screen.  So most likely either more polyps or possibly still retained tissue from delivery.  Either way, surgery is probable.   It did show that I have a 15mm follie on my right, so despite numerous positive OPKs last week, it looks like I'll be Oing late this cycle.  Hey, at least I won't need provera.

Oh, and a random fun fact....the nurse measured my whole uterus and in its non-pregnant state it is the same size as my SCH was around 13 weeks.

RE consult

Everything went well today, aside from the wait of course.  Definitely a different feeling being in the office for child #2.  Maybe it is because we are a few months out from cycling, but the fear isn't there this time.  I realized that when I sat down and glanced at this poor girl already sitting there.  The look of worry and flat out fear on her face was unmistakable.  I am glad she was gone before the pregnant chick showed up, because she likes to "visit" every time she has an MFM appt. next door.  Um, yeah...awesome for you, not so much for those still waiting.   I would have loved to have brought C, but I haven't forgotten how much it can hurt to be there.

Anyway, I was very pleased that no one even batted an eye at the fact I was still breastfeeding.  The only issue that might come up is if I need provera to end this cycle in time to get cd3 bw and my sono done before July (we'll be in Michigan for a month).  They didn't say it, but I don't think they'll put me on provera while BFing.  Hopefully it won't matter, and I'll probably be close to weaned by then anyway.   So I call on cd1 (or cd35 if there is no sign of ovulation) and they'll do my bw and get my sono scheduled.  I have a routine physical on the 25th and some generic IF b/w too.   Assuming my sono is clear, I will wait for my next cycle to start BCPs, then start Lupron for about 3 weeks in August, and cycle to transfer in early Sept.  And I was super thrilled to hear that at most I'll only need 2 lining checks, so no endless monitoring and bloodwork!!

Oh, and so I don't forget, for our 7 frozen embryos, we have:

2 - 5 day embryos of great quality, one hatching
2 - 6 day embryos of fair quality
3 - 7 day embryos, 2 good quality and 1 fair quality

cd 1!!

I bet you never thought you'd see me thrilled to be posting about that huh?  I dropped down to nursing/pumping 3 times a day about a week and a half ago, and saw potential signs of AF a few days later.  As happy as I am that my cycles might be returning to normal, holy hell did I forget how much this sucks.  You would think that labor, delivery and months of various pregnancy pains would make this seem like a cakewalk, but I'm pretty damn miserable.  I hope this isn't a sign that my endo is back, because my post Lap AFs didn't hurt like this.

We have a consult with the RE on May 11th, so we'll find out what our next steps are then.

Awesome news and decision time

I finally made that call to the RE to find out what the next steps would be if we were to pursue FET and find out the cost as well as how my embryos were frozen (individually or in groups).  The awesome news is that R's insurance has changed and we now have unlimited IF coverage!  The catch is that we have a yearly deductable that has to be met or we'll practically be OOP anyway.  Sooooo, the smart thing to do is move to FET in the fall, when that deductable will be almost met or past that anyway.    This is all well and good until you sit down and realize we'd need to get started in about 2 months for a Sept. transfer. Ahhhh!    I still have no post partum AF, and they can't do anything while I'm still BFing (except our consult).  My cd3 b/w needs to be done after my 2nd PP AF, which will probably put me sometime in July, except we planned to be in Michigan for 6 weeks this summer.   Time for some choices I guess.  The practical side says we just have to make things work for Sept, because if it is a BFN we can cycle again in Dec and be completely covered.   I think I'll set up our consult in the next few weeks and find out if they have specific cycling dates for FET scheduled yet. 

back in the saddle?

Or maybe just observing said saddle from a good 10-20 feet away.   Christmas day SIL announced her 2nd pregnancy (and made it clear it was accidental, kind of odd but not something I care about much now) and I think that, paired with his best friend trying for his 2nd child, must have knocked something loose in R's keep-sanity-intact department.  He has made multiple comments over the past few weeks that he would be cool with us being pregnant again right now.   Meaning, of course, pregnant from normal old sex, not FET of any of our remaining embryos.   I am completely torn on this, for soooo many reasons.  In one pile of reasons, you've got the normal stuff....like, we'd need to buy new furniture for C before he is really ready for a big boy bed (hell, we'd have to organize/unpack the junk in the spare bedroom that has been there since we moved), I'd need a new car because the Britax convertible we just purchased probably won't even allow for any passengers in the back seat of my jetta, let alone a car seat....and it goes on.   It the other, unfamiliar to many, pile....we've got the IF issues.  Am I still infertile?  Do I want to even find out?  Why would I want to try naturally if we've got 7 possible babies that are potentially as amazing as C is waiting for us?  Oh, and then there is that underlying fear of another difficult pregnancy and another, quite possibly earlier, preemie.

If it comes down to it, I don't think I am on board for "trying" again unless it is really important to R (in which case, I think we'll compromise with a time limit...like 6 months).   We haven't been preventing, and of course I know breastfeeding is not a reliable birth control method, but lets face it, unless I was suddenly a supa fertile ho, it probably isn't happening with our sporadic sex life.  And I am really ok with that.   I did buy a box of condoms, and when I do wean off breastfeeding we will need to do the more in depth talk about it.  Either way, I know we aren't bothering with any hormonal birth control....so I might be dusting off my old friend the BBT within the next few months.