Every time...

I go to the bathroom in the end of the 2ww I need to give myself  a little pep talk...telling myself it will be ok if AF is here..we will be strong and try again, but honestly it goes something like this:

pee - glance at the toilet for blood tinged water...no?  good
wipe - check TP, still no tinge...extra points!
check internally - reserved for the days where you expect AF within hours...still clear?  living on borrowed time!

so this is where I am right now.

Thoughts on those that have moved on.

This post is entirely about the support boards that I post on.  The IF/trouble/loss boards are all a very close supportive group of women.  But I've noticed something for quite a while now and it bugs the shit out of me.  There are certain members that are happy to bleed you fucking dry of support and then disappear, if not immediately, within a very short time of their BFP.   I understand if you weren't on the boards long, everyone is that new person who is aware to move on without looking back at some point.  But the ones that were with for months?  more than a year?? We supported you then, and we would support you now, but if you don't care enough to come back and give updates when we ask for them or post in SAIFW posts, you are just a user.  So glad you didn't have to try as hard as the rest of us that are still here...really (no, really, we don't need your flaky selfishness around us)...you seem so grateful for what you've been through.  NOT.

Bite me.

Triphasic Chart.

Never thought I'd ever get one of these...too bad FF still thinks I Od 4 days earlier than I probably did.  And I'm not sure how reliable half my temps are because I don't sleep well when R isn't home.  That and I fell asleep reading Twilight on 2 different nights.  Once in bed and I woke up at 4:30 with the book on my chest, the other time on the sofa and I woke up at 2 and went to bed.   Last night was the first night it managed to hold my interest just enough not to put me to sleep.  I borrowed all 4 books from my SIL, who claimed they were a good read and everyone she knows couldn't put them down.  Uh...no.  I had to force myself through the first 100 pages...the writing is so mediocre.  If it weren't for the whole vampire obsession everyone has, these books would have tanked.  I feel obligated to finish it though, not sure I'll make it through the other 3, particularly since my good books have arrived (The Girl that Played with Fire, The Book Thief, and Sarah's Key).

Anyway, back to my chart...I haven't moved my CHs manually because I'm not 100% sure where to put them, but I think I Od on cd15, putting me at 7dpo.  Despite knowing that, I still couldn't talk myself out of wasting a FRER after getting the usual evap line on the cheapie.  I rationalized that I'm going to Happy Hour tonight and needed to be sure.

Early ovulation?

So right after AF left town, I got fertile CM.  This usually happens for a day so I didn't think much about it.  But it never went away and I wasn't taking anything to increase it...so I started using OPKs.  Well on cd9 I got an *almost* positive and had the most EWCM I've ever seen (sorry non TTC followers, it needed to be said) so we had plenty of sex in the next few days and I got a positive OPK on cd11.  I should mention that I also had terrible back pain and ovary pain starting on cd9, so I finally put a call into the RE to find out what was going on.

The u/s showed what I thought was a follie at 16mm on my right ovary, but the nurse said it was a cyst, but that was okay because it was probably the corpus luteum.  Also, my lining was 7.83!!!  That is the thickest it has ever been.  The nurse it looked post-ovulatory as well, but we'd see what the b/w showed.  Naturally I missed her call last night, but she left a message saying my LH was surging and I was ovulating yesterday.  Sure enough, I got another positive OPK last night (mind you, cd12's were all negative) and this morning's was still pretty dark, but all my EWCM has been gone for 2 days and my temp isn't any higher than the past few days, so all signs other than LH are pointing to me being 4dpo.   I thought about emailing or calling the nurse to clarify, but I figure I can be like everyone else in the world for one cycle and not have exact answers as to when I will or have Od.  Either way, I am thrilled I am Oing early and this cycle isn't a bust.

Not a good day

Yesterday I thought AF was on her way out because I had light flow all morning. Well, the cramps started up about an hour before lunch and she returned in full force. These cramps were right up there (maybe even worse) with my cramps right after we found out about the c/p. As many times as I've read on the loss support boards about your first AF reminding you of going through the loss, I didn't really understand until just then, as I sat there feeling exactly the way I did then, only I didn't have an excuse to go curl up in bed, because it was just a damned period.  I finally had to take a painkiller I had leftover from cutting my foot last week, I don't think I would have made it through the day otherwise.  I even took another test last night, just because this pain was so similar to before, and of course I got some wonky pink line/smudge an hour after testing (I really need to learn not to look at them after the test window is over), but this morning's was negative.  I just hope this isn't a new natural AF trend for me.  All my post-medicated cycle AF's only lasted 4-5 days.

cd 2

So AF showed about 5 seconds after I POAS yesterday.  I stopped the endometrin on cd14 and I still made it to 17dpo before she made her appearance.  Needless to say, plenty of tests were wasted this cycle, including two FRERs and an EPT blue dye test.  I really need to get a grip.

I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be.  This post loss cycle was a mess, so I didn't really think a good egg would come out of it.  I predict my next major breakdown will be in about 2 weeks or so, when I should be ovulating, and R will be in Texas on a business trip for more than a week.   Yes, for the first time since TTC, I will have a totally wasted fertile window.   I talked to the nurse, and we could do a natural IUI with frozen sperm, but it would still cost over 1K.  I haven't even mentioned that to R yet.  I don't think we will do it....it just doesn't make sense for only one egg and such a low chance at success.  So we'll just hope I ovulate really early or late, because I'll be sans husband cd 16-23.