Made it through a baby shower.

SIL's shower was Sunday, and I am proud to say I made it through the whole day without crying.  I teared up a little on the way home, because SIL actually asked how I was feeling when I said goodbye.  None of R's family has asked anything that truly meant they wanted to know how am I really doing, so I was surprised it would be her...the one who became pregnant so easily.  She told me to call and chat if I needed to, which I would have no idea how to do right now, but it was a sweet gesture.

I think I am beginning to feel more comfortable with being open about our infertility and loss.  We found out recently that 2 couples we know went through treatment and IVF at our clinic.  One now has a little girl and the other is about 11 weeks pregnant after a Lap, 2 failed IUIs and IVF because of Stage IV endo.  I am not super close to either of them, but I feel like if I had spoken up about our troubles, learning about theirs would have helped me feel not so alone IRL (months ago that is, I am in a pretty good place right now).

Ovulating today.

I went for another check this morning and pretty much saw nothing at all.  The nurse could only guess that I ovulated this morning and that the follie disappeared that quickly.  My bloodwork confirmed this theory, as my E2 was starting to drop, but my LH was high and my progesterone was starting to rise.  So lets hope my body hasn't mastered the ability to produce blood test fakeouts.  I should start endometrin on Wednesday assuming my temps don't continue to tank.

Mid-cycle monitoring.

Since my chart is whacked, and last week's positive OPK was clearly a fluke, I called the RE to see if I could get a monitoring check and figure out what the hell was going on.  I debated calling because I don't want to be impatient, but I decided that after all I've been through so far, I deserve a little extra attention.  They were super quick to call back and schedule my appointment, and I didn't even have co-pay this morning, so maybe being IF plus post-loss puts me higher on the priority list.  My appt. was also with my actual RE, and not just a nurse.  During the u/s, she couldn't tell if I had a 13mm follie on the right, or if that was the corpus luteum and I'd already ovulated, but my b/w just came back and my E2 is 150, so getting close (it should be at 200 right before O).  So despite a big temp jump this morning, I'm not in the 2ww yet.  I will go back for more monitoring on Monday.

Happy You're Not a Mother Yet Day.

I thought I'd be okay, and I was, until we were outside doing yardwork and R started talking about getting cards for our mothers.  I started to tear up and he asked what was wrong..I tried to say I was fine but he asked again and I said it was Mother's Day and I wasn't a mother yet and it didn't even look like I'd ovulate this cycle.  He quickly hugged me and said he'd thought about that and that he loved me.  It was the first time throughout all of this that I heard him start to choke up.  As hard as it is, that was a very special moment.

Then later when we stopped at the card store, the second card I pulled out said "To a great Mother and Grandmother".  Well that did it, the tears started flowing again.  R's mother is a grandmother already, but my mother isn't.  My sisters aren't even married yet, so I'm her only chance at being a grandparent for awhile.  She never says anything about that, but it makes me feel all the more broken.

I did okay when we stopped by to see MIL.  R's family just doesn't get it.  She asked how I was, but it wasn't in that how are you truly doing way...more like just a formality and she really didn't expect anything more than a one word answer, which is what she got.  I told her I was fine.  Then pregnant SIL walked in and I wasn't prepared to deal with that.  I couldn't even look at her.  Thankfully R picked up on that and we left just as MIL started in with pregnancy talk.   I was fine the rest of the day and was even okay to talk to my mother about the loss and how things have been since....because she had 3 losses and she gets it.  It is R's family I can't deal with.  I think he is starting to figure that out and he is having a hard time truly understanding why.

Still waiting to O.

Rather than wait for an obvious AF to count as cd1, I opted to keeping charting through the chemical pregnancy.  So I am on cd29 if you count from the first round of bleeding after we found out the beta didn't double.  I had some very, very light bleeding after my beta dropped to O, but not enough to be AF.  If I count from there it would be cd15.  I had one positive OPK, but I am thinking it was a fakeout because usually I get 2 days of positives.  I am still taking FertileCM and it is definitely working.  Here is my chart.