"things happen for a reason"

Much of the time I hate that quote, because there are soooo many bad things happening all the time that just can't be reasoned with, but lately I've found myself thinking that it actually applies to me/us right now. 

Two days after our FET was canceled, C had his 15 month appt.  It went fine, but the pedi noticed that one leg had an extra crease/fat roll, and that combined with my history of hip dysplasia, meant we were headed off for x-rays.  Though I'm a long time veteran to the good old x-ray machine myself, I had no idea how they'd do with a toddler.  So when it came down to it, I have to say that luckily I was not pregnant so I was able to stay right with C the whole time and not leave him in a cold room with a stranger (BTW...x-rays were normal!)

Fast forward to yesterday.  C wakes with a fever of 102.  I gave him some advil, it came down and I chalked it up to teething.  Well, last night it went up to 104.9 and by morning we noticed a slight rash, though at least we managed to keep the fever between 101-103 since that spike.   By the time we got him in to the pedi's office, the rash was on his neck and face....Roseola.   The poor kid is miserable, but apparently this is something that almost every child gets somehow, usually before age 2.  Once you have it, it stays with you like chicken pox and you won't get it again.  I've already had it so I *should* be immune, but once again, it looks like it was/is actually a good thing I'm not currently pregnant, because even if this turns out to be something I can catch on top of Roseola, I only have to worry about me and not a baby.   Hoping my little guy feels better soon.

BCPs again

I hate BCPs.   When the one nurse mentioned a mini-stim cycle, I was thinking something along the lines of an IUI cycle.  Instead, we'll be replicating my fresh IVF cycle on a smaller scale...so all the drugs, all the appointments, bloodwork and pain, with hopefully half the follicles.   I start BCPs tonight and continue them for a little over 3 weeks.  Not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but I'm pissed that they waited until the last fucking minute to tell me this.    I asked if it was possible to just start now since I've been suppressed for essentially 3 months, but no, something about the potential for estrogen producing cysts since I just had a period.  How a provera induced period is any different from the induced period I'll have when I stop BCPs I don't know, but it is protocol for everyone cycling for IVF/FET.

So nothing to do now until my baseline on Oct. 16th.  I'm guessing I'll start Follistim (or Gonal-F) that night, as well as low dose HCG.  They aren't sure if I'll need Ganirelix yet, which raises a lot of questions in my mind for how this works, but I guess I don't need to know it all right now.   They've got me penciled in for monitoring from Oct. 22-Nov.2, but hopefully I won't need that many and I already expressed concerns about the difficulty the lab techs have.   I cannot have multiple consecutive days of bloodwork if they are going to botch it up and hit both arms every day.   Looking at my fresh cycle, I stimmed for 11 days, so going off of that I'm guessing my "retrieval" day would be the 29th.  Don't know if I will actually take a trigger to ovulate, or if I'll just start prepping for transfer and the follicles die off when I start PIO.   Putting the cart way before the horse, my due date would be somewhere in late July.   Amazing how fast you can go from swearing you could never be really pregnant in summer to possibly being just that because its better than nothing.

mmm...coffee

Officially canceled now and I started Provera last night.  The realist in me had the foresight to buy my Bailey's coffee creamer on Thursday, so I am happily enjoying coffee for the first time in over a month.    The lining check showed no improvement at all, if anything the measurements seemed worse, with the ideal placement spot for an embryo only measuring at a 5.   At least I don't have to wait for my body to do its own thing.   The other good thing about provera is that I don't have to worry about AF ruining my trip to Chicago.  So cd1 should be sometime around Sept. 20th and I'll call to set up cd3 labs.   I'll probably give them a call sometime next week to find out what they are thinking and timelines for possible protocols.   R is now seriously considering a new job in 2013, so we'll likely be losing our IF coverage (but potentially gaining the difference in salary) so taking a break cycle as a mock natural FET may not happen after all.

Done all we can do.

Ok...this time it really is the final call.  They can't push anything any farther without changing my transfer date.   I'd like to say I'm not letting myself get too hopeful that maybe this will work, but I'd be lying....there is always that little voice rattling off the "what ifs" of a successful cycle.   I'm a little ashamed to admit I've let myself go off the deep end a bit these past two days.  As soon as that call came in from the RE, I started chugging water like it was my job, picked up POM juice at the grocery store, and pulled out some old FertileCM supplements from past natural cycles.   I even googled fertility yoga (I know, I can't believe it either).  It wasn't all in that OMG this has to work desperation mode, but more like, well shit, I can't hurt anything at this point, so why not throw everything I've got at it?   And it not like its been time consuming, I've been going about my day with C as normal, which really helps keep the regular crazy at bay.  If nothing else, I've done a good job of getting more water into my diet.

Canceled (or not...maybe)

I left the house this morning with hope, but honestly I spent most of the drive to the office thinking about other protocols and when to cycle next.  So I wasn't the least be shocked to find my lining hasn't improved.  At all.   The extra estrace did nothing.   The nurse said she'll talk to the IVF coordinators and they will call me back today about stopping meds.  I said I'd rather not be on Lupron again and I thought taking a break for a natural cycle might be a good idea.  I ran into one of my favorite nurses on the way out and she said we could try either natural FET or a mini-stim cycle next.   I am disappointed and frustrated that I've wasted a month of my life sticking myself with a needle daily for nothing, but at least we didn't lose anything beyond that.

*****

Well, my RE reviewed things from this morning and thinks we still have a shot at this cycle.  I am switching from 6mg orally and 2mg vaginally of estrace a day to 4mg each a day and I'll go back in Saturday for one more check.  It make things pretty tight med-wise for a Wednesday transfer and I'm rather doubtful about this, but what are a few more days going hurt?

Wed. Sept 12th

Is our new tentative transfer date.  Thankfully, they were able to find an ultrasonographer to come in on Wednesday.  So that is a huge relief because as long as everything looks good this week, nothing will be done differently on the transfer end.   Even cutting bedrest short by a few hours would make me hesitate because this is our best embryo and we get one shot.  I'd rather wait and do it right, than feel at fault if it fails.   So everything rests with my lining issues now.  I've got the signs that my E2 levels are soaring, but I have no idea if the necessarily means my lining is growing.   Particularly since I'm still on Lupron, which I know is what is fucking things up.  Even if they put me on stims, its not like I'd up and ovulate with 14 days, but I guess having even a medium follicle because of lowering the Lupron dose could mess up things.   I still feel like staying on 10ml a day is going to screw me over.