Mock transfer complete.

It wasn't as bad as I expected.  The worst part was, of course, the full bladder.  My appointment was at 10:15, so I started drinking water at 9am.  I was supposed to drink a total of 32oz., so I drank 16oz at home between 9 and 9:45, then took a water bottle with me and drank about 10oz of that...which, according to the nurse, was perfect.   My timing was pretty good too, because it didn't really hurt until I got to the office, so I was only uncomfortable for about 20 minutes or so.  The procedure itself was only a few minutes, but there was a minute or so in the beginning where all I could think of was R's joke at our consult about me peeing on the nurse, because let me tell you...when you have a full bladder, an ultrasound wand pushing on your abdomen, a speculum and a catheter between your legs, it becomes a frightening possibility.  I managed to hold it together and focus on the u/s screen, where I could actually see the catheter going in.  The next time I see that, it will be transferring our embryo!

the pharmacy called!!

As in, the big fancy pharmacy that handles my IVF medications!!   They wanted to set up a shipment date, but since my first IVF consult is this afternoon, I will call them back once I have my IVF calendar, because the low dose HCG is only good for 30 days.   So, I now know that I will be taking Ganirelix, Follistim and HCG as part of my protocol.  And of course I asked how much this order was depleting my lifetime max of 10K...the Follistim alone is about 5K.  Luckily I had a friend give me two unused cartridges of 600IU Follistim, so once the RE adjusts the order that should knock off about 2,500.  I am way more excited about this than I should be, but everything is really coming together!

hystero went well.

When I had my Lap there was some confusion about surgery time, so I was too rushed to notice much of the pre-surgery prep.  We reported to the surgery center at 11:30am and I had about an hour to kill this time, so when the took me back they gave one of those bair paws gowns, where they can attach a little air heater to the gown to keep you warm.  It was pretty neat but the air tickled a little bit and I kept have to readjust it because the connection piece was right above my knees.  The anesthesiologist came and talked to me and got my IV started.  They used my left hand, which hurt a bit and started a saline drip.  Well, apparently she started it on too heavy a drip speed because the next nurse turned it down, which much have made my veins constrict because my wrist and forearm started to burn.  So they turned it back up and it got better until a few minutes before surgery time and my IV bag ran out, then my arm hurt again.  So they got my a new bag and I was up and walking to the OR.

I had informed the anesthetist in pre-op that I had had a recent sciatica flare, so she told me they would position my legs before I was asleep so I could tell them if I was comfortable. Obviously I was aware my legs were strapped up during my Lap/hystero, but I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.  Thankfully I had blankets covering me while the nurse positioned them because there was no room left for imagination by the time she was done.

Once I was all strapped down, they gave me an oxygen mask and told me to breath deeply but I barely heard them because it was about this time that I felt a searing pain start up my arm (somewhere in there they told me they were starting anesthesia, but I must have been distracted by the giant padded boots my legs were strapped in).  They told me to take deep breaths again and I started swearing because it hurt so much.  My arm was on fire...all of it.  I wonder if the Twilight author had the same experience and used it for her "turning" description, because that pretty much summed it up.  By the time it reached my shoulder I seriously thought there was going to be permanent damage...luckily it actually kicked in at the same time and I was out.

When I woke up I was surprised to find that I had no abdominal pain.  I did, however, have a very dry and very sore throat, so ice chips were my first request.  After the nurse retrieved my ice chips and got R from the waiting room, I did have one round of sharp cramping, which she kindly gave a percocet and some ginger ale for.  I was kept in recovery for close to an hour from what R said, but it only felt like 20 minutes or so to me.

We were discharged around 2:30, and by the time I was home I was just feeling tired and groggy from the anesthesia so I slept most of the afternoon.  My throat is still a little sore and last night I could barely swallow my dinner.  The bleeding has mostly stopped and I am back at work for a few hours today.

pre-op today, surgery tomorrow

I had my pre-op today and I don't think it lasted 10 minutes.  Compared to my Lap/hystero this is nothing....I will be out for 45 minutes max and I shouldn't need any pain meds after.   I am not really concerned about it, I figured the worst pain would actually be my throat from intubation, but since it is so short, I will just have a flexible tube to keep my airway open in case of emergency.   She said I should be fine by this weekend and I even got the okay to use a tampon by Monday if I'm still spotting so I won't miss out on our final day of boating!

My sono wasn't clear.

I need another hysteroscopy, this time to remove fibroids.  I was completely got off guard when the nurse told me...I couldn't even hold back the tears.  I truly thought it would be all clear.   It will need to be done in the next few weeks, and luckily we won't need to delay our IVF, which is officially starting Oct. 1.  R talked to his insurance again and I will have coverage starting Sept. 1, so at least I got some good news today.   I have no idea how I'm going to juggle all these appointments for the next two months. My direct boss and big boss know the truth, but I don't want the rest of my office to know.  If this fails, it will be hard enough telling the few that do know.  I was counting on using another surgery as an excuse for the time out for ER and ET, but now that I have a real surgery I can't use that two months in a row.  Guess I'll be calling out sick with some unknown illness.   On top of all these appointments, I have two weddings, a bridal shower and a baby shower within the next two months as well.  Trying to figure out what shape I'll be in/how I'll feel at that time so I can RSVP now is a PIA.  I already know for sure that I'll have to give myself a PIO shot during wedding #2 because I'll most likely be in the 2ww at that point.

OMG FML

So I'm happily enjoying my  vacation and on day 3 of BCPs.  Yesterday I noticed something felt a little off, this morning I woke up with that acidic stomac feeling.  The middle of dinner tonight??? I had to make a mad dash for the bathroom.  Which is when I remembered this:
http://anelementofblank.blogspot.com/2009/10/bcps-suck-balls.html
FML.

cd1

I will officially start BCPs on Saturday.  Of course, that means my vacation starts with walking into a strange lab for cd3 b/w, but what can you do?  I also went ahead and scheduled my SHG...for the day after we come home.  I was planning to take a half a day off work because I know I'll be too tired from the day long drive on Sunday to go in at the normal time, so now I'll just take the whole day.  R already has it off as well, so if I feel like dragging him along I can.  Actually, I think I will, because after the sono we will schedule the next set of appointments, so it would be a good idea to have him there.  Not entirely sure how that will work, since we won't know if I have insurance coverage for September until the end of that week, but I guess we can reschedule it all if it falls through.

Now I get to go in for my annual review at work.  How am I supposed to provide goals for the next year when my real goal is to complete a successful IVF cycle, become a mom and not be here by this time next year?  Somehow I don't think that is what they are looking for.

should have said something...

I've mentioned multiple times that I post on several TTC and IF support boards.  A few days ago someone posted their BFP, but the beta was a little low and the progesterone was only 9 at 14dpo.  By the time I saw the post the person had already signed off, but I knew something was wrong.  I wanted to post and tell her to demand progesterone supplements, but I didn't want to be the debby downer in a happy post.  I didn't want to cause unecessary fear, because you never can be sure what will work out on its own.  Sadly, it didn't work out for her.  I can't say that the advice I had would have made a difference, but it kills me that I erred on the side of nice board etiquette and it might have.  Next time I'll risk being the downer.

refilled my BCPs

Even though it is part of moving on with IVF, it feels like a giant step backwards.  Two months of not TTC...no charting, no OPKs, no timing sex....and no hope of not needing IVF afterall.  My only saving grace right now is that we are leaving for vacation on Friday and will be gone for two weeks.  By the time I get back we will be busy scheduling my sonohysterogram (yes, I need another one....they prefer every six months actually) and checking with our insurance to see if I can switch over without lapse of coverage.  Then the many pre-IVF appointments will begin and before I know it, I'll be pumping my body full of uncomfortable hormone drugs again.   I think it would have been easier back in June, when I was closer to my IUI cycles and the regular pattern of appointments and medications.  Now that I've had a break it is going to be a little harder to get back into the full IF mindset.   I wish I could say I was excited to get this underway, but the fear and dread of everything involved is overshadowing the hope of a good outcome right now. I will do whatever I have to do to get our baby, but this is going to suck.

hmmm..which cycle?

Heard back from the IVF coordinator.  If we want to cycle in October, then I do have to start BCPs next week.  The drawback to that is they also want cd3 b/w since I haven't had it in a while and if AF takes her time, I may be on vacation by then.   There is also the insurance issue.

There are 2 cycles in November...Nov. 5th and Nov. 26th.  R goes OOT every year for 3-5 days after Thanksgiving (though I suppose if there were a major problem he could stay home).  If we cycle Nov. 5, I still have one more natural cycle left.  We would be stimming the 8-16, with retrieval around the 17-19th and a 5dt about November 23rd.  This would work timing wise, the only issue is that I'd be testing while R is gone...bad idea if it isn't good results.  So I guess I'll talk over the options with R and we will decide.

planning for IVF (again)

Back in March we had decided that I would switch to R's insurance before IVF (originally in June) because he had better coverage.  At that time he was told to give 30 days notice before I needed to switch.   He called them today because I will lose my coverage on Sept. 1 and they said they can't do anything until I actually lose mine and then it is 30 days to process it.  This would leave me with no insurance for September, starting injections on October 1st...just not possible.  So they said to call the day before I lose my coverage to notify them and hopefully the new coverage will be retroactive from the time I lose the old insurance.  Extra hoops to jump through, but at least I don't have to wait for open enrollment to take effect in January.

That being said, I have not ovulated yet (3 days of pos. OPKs) so we are officially out of time to fit in one more natural cycle and still take 4 weeks of BCPs before IVF.  I am not thrilled with the idea of being on them 8 weeks, let alone the possibility of 3 months or more if we can't cycle until November.   So I will call the RE in the next few days and find out my options.

digital was negative

Very frustrating...but at least I don't have to sit here worrying about my beta anymore.  So, back to wondering when I'll O this cycle.

this morning's conversation

(from the bathroom)

me:  honey, can come in here?
(R get outs of bed and come in)
me: can you see that second line??

R: where am I looking?

me: there (points to faint line)

R: oh.  yeah, but it is so faint.

me:  I know....(deep shakey breath) and that is a pregnancy test.

My 2ww symptoms never left after a very short AF, so I've been testing with cheapies on and off just to be sure.  This morning's test (at cd14) had a super faint pink almost right away, naturally not soon enough for me to not dump the pee cup, so I couldn't confirm with a better test.  After 10 minutes or it faded so much that it just looks like an evap line....but there was something there...even R saw it.

So I called the RE and asked if I should wait to confirm with a digital or come in.  They said to come in...so now I am in the dreaded beta wait.  Despite the terrible heartburn and super sore boobs, I can't tell myself that I am pregnant for now because maybe the test was just crappy.   I have a digital in my purse and I might use it around lunchtime if I haven't gotten the call...just to brace myself for it.  Not a big fan of POAS at work though.  We will see.

picking out a card = tears

for any occasion now apparently.  Yesterday after work, I went to pick out an anniversary card for DH, and naturally one of the first cards visible says "great husband and father"...made me a little sad, but no big deal as it was pretty typical. Then I pick up one that reads something along the lines of "I know this hasn't been quite the happily-ever-after we'd imagined, but that doesn't mean our story doesn't count" (followed by some other mushy words) and I lost it. It doesn't apply to us as just a couple, because our relationship is wonderful, but I had hoped we'd be sharing it with a 3rd family member by now, and our story of having a family certainly hasn't been how we imagined.  Thankfully DH didn't beat me home, because I cried the whole way home, gave myself a migraine aura and I was still all teary eyed 20 minutes later. I didn't want him to be sad too.

I picked a different card and wrote a message about how lucky I am to have him and that he is my rock and the light at the end of the tunnel when I lose hope.  I snuck it into to the bathroom while he slept so it was leaning against the mirror above his sink when he woke up.
Happy 3 year anniversary to us!

cd1...

and I honestly haven't had much chance to care. since she pretty much started te exact same time I thrown from our boat during a sharp turn.  Nothing is broken thankfully, but lets just say I'll sporting red and blue for the holidays without even getting dressed.  My left arm took the brunt of it, striking the side as I went over, so typing is slow and I'll write more later.

Every time...

I go to the bathroom in the end of the 2ww I need to give myself  a little pep talk...telling myself it will be ok if AF is here..we will be strong and try again, but honestly it goes something like this:

pee - glance at the toilet for blood tinged water...no?  good
wipe - check TP, still no tinge...extra points!
check internally - reserved for the days where you expect AF within hours...still clear?  living on borrowed time!

so this is where I am right now.

Thoughts on those that have moved on.

This post is entirely about the support boards that I post on.  The IF/trouble/loss boards are all a very close supportive group of women.  But I've noticed something for quite a while now and it bugs the shit out of me.  There are certain members that are happy to bleed you fucking dry of support and then disappear, if not immediately, within a very short time of their BFP.   I understand if you weren't on the boards long, everyone is that new person who is aware to move on without looking back at some point.  But the ones that were with for months?  more than a year?? We supported you then, and we would support you now, but if you don't care enough to come back and give updates when we ask for them or post in SAIFW posts, you are just a user.  So glad you didn't have to try as hard as the rest of us that are still here...really (no, really, we don't need your flaky selfishness around us)...you seem so grateful for what you've been through.  NOT.

Bite me.

Triphasic Chart.

Never thought I'd ever get one of these...too bad FF still thinks I Od 4 days earlier than I probably did.  And I'm not sure how reliable half my temps are because I don't sleep well when R isn't home.  That and I fell asleep reading Twilight on 2 different nights.  Once in bed and I woke up at 4:30 with the book on my chest, the other time on the sofa and I woke up at 2 and went to bed.   Last night was the first night it managed to hold my interest just enough not to put me to sleep.  I borrowed all 4 books from my SIL, who claimed they were a good read and everyone she knows couldn't put them down.  Uh...no.  I had to force myself through the first 100 pages...the writing is so mediocre.  If it weren't for the whole vampire obsession everyone has, these books would have tanked.  I feel obligated to finish it though, not sure I'll make it through the other 3, particularly since my good books have arrived (The Girl that Played with Fire, The Book Thief, and Sarah's Key).

Anyway, back to my chart...I haven't moved my CHs manually because I'm not 100% sure where to put them, but I think I Od on cd15, putting me at 7dpo.  Despite knowing that, I still couldn't talk myself out of wasting a FRER after getting the usual evap line on the cheapie.  I rationalized that I'm going to Happy Hour tonight and needed to be sure.

Early ovulation?

So right after AF left town, I got fertile CM.  This usually happens for a day so I didn't think much about it.  But it never went away and I wasn't taking anything to increase it...so I started using OPKs.  Well on cd9 I got an *almost* positive and had the most EWCM I've ever seen (sorry non TTC followers, it needed to be said) so we had plenty of sex in the next few days and I got a positive OPK on cd11.  I should mention that I also had terrible back pain and ovary pain starting on cd9, so I finally put a call into the RE to find out what was going on.

The u/s showed what I thought was a follie at 16mm on my right ovary, but the nurse said it was a cyst, but that was okay because it was probably the corpus luteum.  Also, my lining was 7.83!!!  That is the thickest it has ever been.  The nurse it looked post-ovulatory as well, but we'd see what the b/w showed.  Naturally I missed her call last night, but she left a message saying my LH was surging and I was ovulating yesterday.  Sure enough, I got another positive OPK last night (mind you, cd12's were all negative) and this morning's was still pretty dark, but all my EWCM has been gone for 2 days and my temp isn't any higher than the past few days, so all signs other than LH are pointing to me being 4dpo.   I thought about emailing or calling the nurse to clarify, but I figure I can be like everyone else in the world for one cycle and not have exact answers as to when I will or have Od.  Either way, I am thrilled I am Oing early and this cycle isn't a bust.

Not a good day

Yesterday I thought AF was on her way out because I had light flow all morning. Well, the cramps started up about an hour before lunch and she returned in full force. These cramps were right up there (maybe even worse) with my cramps right after we found out about the c/p. As many times as I've read on the loss support boards about your first AF reminding you of going through the loss, I didn't really understand until just then, as I sat there feeling exactly the way I did then, only I didn't have an excuse to go curl up in bed, because it was just a damned period.  I finally had to take a painkiller I had leftover from cutting my foot last week, I don't think I would have made it through the day otherwise.  I even took another test last night, just because this pain was so similar to before, and of course I got some wonky pink line/smudge an hour after testing (I really need to learn not to look at them after the test window is over), but this morning's was negative.  I just hope this isn't a new natural AF trend for me.  All my post-medicated cycle AF's only lasted 4-5 days.