cd 2

So AF showed about 5 seconds after I POAS yesterday.  I stopped the endometrin on cd14 and I still made it to 17dpo before she made her appearance.  Needless to say, plenty of tests were wasted this cycle, including two FRERs and an EPT blue dye test.  I really need to get a grip.

I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be.  This post loss cycle was a mess, so I didn't really think a good egg would come out of it.  I predict my next major breakdown will be in about 2 weeks or so, when I should be ovulating, and R will be in Texas on a business trip for more than a week.   Yes, for the first time since TTC, I will have a totally wasted fertile window.   I talked to the nurse, and we could do a natural IUI with frozen sperm, but it would still cost over 1K.  I haven't even mentioned that to R yet.  I don't think we will do it....it just doesn't make sense for only one egg and such a low chance at success.  So we'll just hope I ovulate really early or late, because I'll be sans husband cd 16-23.

Made it through a baby shower.

SIL's shower was Sunday, and I am proud to say I made it through the whole day without crying.  I teared up a little on the way home, because SIL actually asked how I was feeling when I said goodbye.  None of R's family has asked anything that truly meant they wanted to know how am I really doing, so I was surprised it would be her...the one who became pregnant so easily.  She told me to call and chat if I needed to, which I would have no idea how to do right now, but it was a sweet gesture.

I think I am beginning to feel more comfortable with being open about our infertility and loss.  We found out recently that 2 couples we know went through treatment and IVF at our clinic.  One now has a little girl and the other is about 11 weeks pregnant after a Lap, 2 failed IUIs and IVF because of Stage IV endo.  I am not super close to either of them, but I feel like if I had spoken up about our troubles, learning about theirs would have helped me feel not so alone IRL (months ago that is, I am in a pretty good place right now).

Ovulating today.

I went for another check this morning and pretty much saw nothing at all.  The nurse could only guess that I ovulated this morning and that the follie disappeared that quickly.  My bloodwork confirmed this theory, as my E2 was starting to drop, but my LH was high and my progesterone was starting to rise.  So lets hope my body hasn't mastered the ability to produce blood test fakeouts.  I should start endometrin on Wednesday assuming my temps don't continue to tank.

Mid-cycle monitoring.

Since my chart is whacked, and last week's positive OPK was clearly a fluke, I called the RE to see if I could get a monitoring check and figure out what the hell was going on.  I debated calling because I don't want to be impatient, but I decided that after all I've been through so far, I deserve a little extra attention.  They were super quick to call back and schedule my appointment, and I didn't even have co-pay this morning, so maybe being IF plus post-loss puts me higher on the priority list.  My appt. was also with my actual RE, and not just a nurse.  During the u/s, she couldn't tell if I had a 13mm follie on the right, or if that was the corpus luteum and I'd already ovulated, but my b/w just came back and my E2 is 150, so getting close (it should be at 200 right before O).  So despite a big temp jump this morning, I'm not in the 2ww yet.  I will go back for more monitoring on Monday.

Happy You're Not a Mother Yet Day.

I thought I'd be okay, and I was, until we were outside doing yardwork and R started talking about getting cards for our mothers.  I started to tear up and he asked what was wrong..I tried to say I was fine but he asked again and I said it was Mother's Day and I wasn't a mother yet and it didn't even look like I'd ovulate this cycle.  He quickly hugged me and said he'd thought about that and that he loved me.  It was the first time throughout all of this that I heard him start to choke up.  As hard as it is, that was a very special moment.

Then later when we stopped at the card store, the second card I pulled out said "To a great Mother and Grandmother".  Well that did it, the tears started flowing again.  R's mother is a grandmother already, but my mother isn't.  My sisters aren't even married yet, so I'm her only chance at being a grandparent for awhile.  She never says anything about that, but it makes me feel all the more broken.

I did okay when we stopped by to see MIL.  R's family just doesn't get it.  She asked how I was, but it wasn't in that how are you truly doing way...more like just a formality and she really didn't expect anything more than a one word answer, which is what she got.  I told her I was fine.  Then pregnant SIL walked in and I wasn't prepared to deal with that.  I couldn't even look at her.  Thankfully R picked up on that and we left just as MIL started in with pregnancy talk.   I was fine the rest of the day and was even okay to talk to my mother about the loss and how things have been since....because she had 3 losses and she gets it.  It is R's family I can't deal with.  I think he is starting to figure that out and he is having a hard time truly understanding why.

Still waiting to O.

Rather than wait for an obvious AF to count as cd1, I opted to keeping charting through the chemical pregnancy.  So I am on cd29 if you count from the first round of bleeding after we found out the beta didn't double.  I had some very, very light bleeding after my beta dropped to O, but not enough to be AF.  If I count from there it would be cd15.  I had one positive OPK, but I am thinking it was a fakeout because usually I get 2 days of positives.  I am still taking FertileCM and it is definitely working.  Here is my chart.

National Infertility Awareness week

I got brave and put this in my facebook status, courtesy of another IF bump member.

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you play with your kids today, or tuck them into bed tonight, please take a minute to empathize with the millions of couples out there struggling to achieve what you have. If you or someone you love is affected by infertility, please post this in your status this week to show your support. ♥

We will see if anyone actually comments on it.

It would also appear that I may need to move to full comment moderation, I'm getting tired of deleting random "bot" comments that say nothing coherent.

Final beta.

My beta is now negative and progesterone is down to 1.4. My chemical pregnancy is officially over. I don't know whether to cry or be hopeful about trying again. I am reposting the poem from which this blog is named,

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

I can't ever go back to just hoping for that BFP. Two lines will always instill sudden fear in me...or perhaps I will feel nothing? Certainly not the simple joy of finding out you are pregnant. Nothing is simple anymore. I don't think that can ever be undone.

Tuesdays are bad days now

Because they are the days when I should be reaching new pregnancy weeks. I should be 7 weeks today. I hope I can stop hating Tuesdays soon.

Follow up with RE

Last Thursday we met with our RE to discuss where to go from here. It went pretty well and I only started to tear up once when she said there was nothing we could have done to prevent the loss and that it wasn't my fault. She did say that it is fine to try naturally and re-evaluate IVF in the fall. Since I had extreme pain with my endo, we can use that as a gauge to see if it is returning, rather than doing a Lap just because. It was also the first time I think we got a number for our natural chances of conceiving....5%. That was a bit of a blow but I am still hopeful we can do this on our own.
We talked about the genetic factors involved with losses and she said usually they will start testing after 2 losses, but she did have us get tested for translocation issues because that would be useful to know before IVF anyway.
I asked about low progesterone causing the chemical pregnancy and she said that is controversial right now, because they can't prove if the progesterone causes the chromosomal problems, or if the chromosomal problems cause low progesterone. She did say it was fine for me to take my Endometrin in the 2ww on the natural cycles.

So we are giving this natural thing a few more chances. Not too much else to report at the moment. I'm sort of charting but I haven't had even AF level bleeding yet, so I don't know where exactly in my cycle I am. Hopefully my beta will be 0 on Wednesday. It was down to 37 last week.

The grief process.

I don't know what day to call the start of the loss, it probably began before I even knew I had something to lose. I have so many different emotions running through me I don't know what to focus on, but I try to stay focusing on hope. Hope that this will happen again and that it will last. But in between those strong moments I cave to other emotions and this post is going to be a running collective of what I feel as I try to get through this. The first few days, starting on Thursday, April 8th were just numb. R and I went together to our second beta, and we waited together in the office for the results. I soon as I saw the number I knew it was ending, but it didn't feel real. I had an ultrasound and it showed nothing. Nothing. As if it was never there to begin with.
Friday, April 9th
I woke up tired and feeling like a hollow shell. Part of me felt like I could pull it together and go to work as though nothing was wrong, but a bigger part said I needed to stay home and "heal". Heal from what, I'm not sure, because nothing had happened. It was just some numbers and some words. They could be wrong, right? By 10:30 I started to spot and I assumed that was it, it would be over soon. The cramping started around 3pm and it was bad. It was like my pre-Lap AFs, except it encompassed my whole abdomen. It felt like a fist squeezing my uterus, but pulling enough to make my ovaries hurt too. Overall, it felt similar to my post sonohysterogram feeling, very heavy and achy.
Saturday, April 10th
The nurse this morning was dead fish nurse. The first time I've ever seen anything close to feeling in her eyes. Too bad it didn't help. The cramps are still here and the bleeding is minimal. My progesterone is only 2.8 it should be moving a lot more quickly than this. I skipped my nephew's first birthday. I was told to stay off my feet today and I couldn't handle it emotionally anyway. My older SIL and my pregnant SIL now know about our loss and our infertility. I don't think they could possibly understand.

I am starting to reach the angry phase. I'm mad that this happened. I'm mad that it is called a chemical pregnancy even though I was 5 weeks based on ovulation. I'm mad that people might not understand if we don't use the term "miscarriage". I'm mad that I feel my loss is downgraded in others eyes because we never made past embryo stage. I'm just mad.
Tuesday, April 13th
I went back to work yesterday, even though the end of this seems no where in sight. It wasn't too bad, at least I haven't cried since Sunday. I was even able to tell two of my close friends over the phone without breaking down. Tomorrow I have to go in for more bloodwork. That will be hard. I was fighting tears waiting for my last beta. I just want this to be over so I can focus on our next cycle (and also so I don't have to keep worrying about making it through the workday without incident).

beta is dropping.

Beta #3 was down to 247 and my progesterone dropped to 2.8 so it looks as though I will be able to pass this naturally. I started spotting yesterday and had some pretty bad cramps, which are now paired with horrid stabbing pain coming from near my cervix. The nurse told me to rest and stay off my feet to help ease the cramping. I wish I could sleep until all this was over.

beta #2 not good

Only 475. Chemical pregnancy. I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of "I'm so sorry for your loss". I've typed that out myself many a time, and I was well aware that it could be me one day, but that day was never supposed to actually happen. I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel. The title of my blog comes into play once more. Pain has an element of blank. It truly does.

beta #1

is 375.2!!! Unluckily my progesterone was very low considering I started supplements last night...only 10.5. I am still spotting off and on so I am hoping this baby can hang in there until we get it back up. The nurse couldn't tell me much, but everything depends on whether it rises by Thursday. Based on my O date, I am 5 weeks today.

Have you seen my "Not"?

Because it seems to have gone missing from this test I just took

I don't know what to think. I thought I was on cd10 and was crazy for still noticing 2ww symptoms. I peed on a cheapie and as I went to test my OPK I saw the second line plain as day. I tested with the digital and you can see the result! A FRER also confirmed it.

Unluckily I discovered some spotting when I went to take my first Endometrin pill and the few temps I've had since "AF" were pretty low. I am hoping it is not too late. I go first thing tomorrow for my beta.

I can't believe I'm one of the "I didn't know I was pregnant" people.

14dpo...where is AF?

I've been testing with the crappy cheapies all weekend, and stupid evap lines aside, all BFNs. I hauled out the big guns and used a FRER today, but in the 3 minutes I stared at before racing off to work because I was late, it was also negative. I keep going to the bathroom because I'm positive that AF is here...but nothing. I had cramps at 10dpo and thought she'd be here by Wednesday.

We have to go to brunch with some of R's friends from high school. I really like them, but 4 of them are BFFs forever and one has just announced her pregnancy. I'm not sure I can sit through them fawning over her when AF has just arrived.

And on the topic of those currently KU, my one SIL has figured out we are having trouble. Not the one that is KU, thank God, but the one I like the best. She went to R and asked if I would be upset if she asked me to help plan the baby shower. R said she should go ahead and give me the opportunity to decide for myself. Why he said that I have no idea. I wouldn't want to help plan a baby shower if I wasn't infertile. I hate those things. Anyway, May 22nd is the next date I get to dread. Also, who invites 40+ people to a baby shower? AW much?

I *think* we have an a decision.

Of course I will need to discuss it with R tonight, but the coordinator called me back (naturally I was away from my desk) and left a message saying that we had an additional 10k of medication coverage, and that the sperm freeze was also covered...so that would leave us with co-pays and maybe anesthesia. So now the next decision whether or not to squeeze in one more natural cycle before BCPs.

updates on IVF

We found out that I can get on R's insurance at any time, which is great news. We probably couldn't get it worked out for May since the insurance does need 30 days advance notification, but we were looking at cycling June 11th. I am not real thrilled with cycling in the summer, or having a potential BFN within weeks of SILs due date, but it is what it is.

I talked to our IVF coordinator last week and she confirmed that we also get great medication coverage. Today R checked with his company about lifetime max coverage....and it is only 10k. If this max includes medication we won't even come close to the cost of one IVF cycle, not to mention we are SOL if it fails. So I have another call into the coordinator. I am hoping that meds are covered separately. I did some math using the highest med estimate (7,500).
Total cost including everything for one regular IVF is 19,975.
Minus 10k leaves us with 9,975.
If meds are covered separately we have 2,475 to pay OOP plus co-pays

My other thought is paying OOP for the half-price cycle and seeing if we could use the coverage for just meds. I'm not sure if this would be allowed but here is that break down.
Total cost for everything and meds for first IVF is 14, 200.
If meds can be covered we are left with 6, 700.

If meds aren't covered seperately and option #2 is available, clearly that is the better deal. Even if they are, about 4k extra would get us two IVF cycles plus any FETs from the first cycle. So.... backup plans of FETs and IVF#2 included in 7k, or just one with 2-10k. This is so frustrating. And I'm sure the stress of this is really helping my chances in this 2ww.

Lining check.

I requested a monitoring appointment to see what my lining would do on its own, since it has been on the thin side during medicated cycles. I was afraid it would be too thin to ever conceive on our own, but it is about the same. The nurse took a few measurements between 6-7mm. I am on cd16 and I have one nice follie on the left at about 19mm. They ended up doing b/w as well, but I'm not sure if I'll get the results. Hopefully I will ovulate earlier than usual, otherwise that follie will be too big by cd21ish.

I haven't done much this cycle on the TTC front. I've remembered to drink green tea once. I haven't bothered with POM juice at all, and I've enjoyed caffeinated beverages whenever I feel like it. I did start taking FertileCM supplements and so far it seems to be working really well.

In other news, I'm on day 2 of the South Beach diet. I never thought a diet could be stressful because you have to eat. I rarely eat breakfast and I'm not a snacker, so I feel like my whole life revolves around food now. Last night after I cooked dinner, I had to cook chicken for today's lunch and make sure all my food and snacks was packaged up for work today. I guess it is good mom practice. So far (with the unwanted help of a horrible virus I had last week) I'm down about 4-5lbs from my medicated cycle weight.

RE/IVF consult

We went over everything and if I chose to do IVF now I would start BCPs in mid-April and begin cycling May 7. Our success rates would be 55-60% with a single embryo transfer. I am a great candidate for the egg freezing study and I'd get the cycle at half price. Any subsequents FETs would be included in that cost. That is pretty much where the good new stops.

Here is the cost breakdown for the half-price IVF (full price is 11, 550.oo)
IVF cycle (including consults, monitoring, retrieval, transfer, etc) = $5, 775
Anesthesia = $650
Semen freeze (for emergency backup) = $275
Meds = $4, 500 -7,500

The meds part was what we were not expecting. I had been under the impression that my insurance would cover at least some of it, but that is very unlikely. There is a chance that R's insurance has IVF coverage, but we aren't sure how much or when I could get on his plan since open enrollment is normally in October. So he is going to try to get exact answers in the next two weeks.