An Element of Blank

back in the saddle?

2012-01-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

Or maybe just observing said saddle from a good 10-20 feet away. Christmas day SIL announced her 2nd pregnancy (and made it clear it was accidental, kind of odd but not something I care about much now) and I think that, paired with his best friend trying for his 2nd child, must have knocked something loose in R's keep-sanity-intact department. He has made multiple comments over the past few weeks that he would be cool with us being pregnant again right now. Meaning, of course, pregnant from normal old sex, not FET of any of our remaining embryos. I am completely torn on this, for soooo many reasons. In one pile of reasons, you've got the normal stuff....like, we'd need to buy new furniture for C before he is really ready for a big boy bed (hell, we'd have to organize/unpack the junk in the spare bedroom that has been there since we moved), I'd need a new car because the Britax convertible we just purchased probably won't even allow for any passengers in the back seat of my jetta, let alone a car seat....and it goes on. It the other, unfamiliar to many, pile....we've got the IF issues. Am I still infertile? Do I want to even find out? Why would I want to try naturally if we've got 7 possible babies that are potentially as amazing as C is waiting for us? Oh, and then there is that underlying fear of another difficult pregnancy and another, quite possibly earlier, preemie.

If it comes down to it, I don't think I am on board for "trying" again unless it is really important to R (in which case, I think we'll compromise with a time limit...like 6 months). We haven't been preventing, and of course I know breastfeeding is not a reliable birth control method, but lets face it, unless I was suddenly a supa fertile ho, it probably isn't happening with our sporadic sex life. And I am really ok with that. I did buy a box of condoms, and when I do wean off breastfeeding we will need to do the more in depth talk about it. Either way, I know we aren't bothering with any hormonal birth control....so I might be dusting off my old friend the BBT within the next few months.

A different kind of trip to the RE

2011-10-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

I stopped in the office today to pay our annual embryo storage fee and I brought C with me. I'd had some reservations about bringing him in, because I know it can be hard to sit in that office and see kids/babies come in, but I'm really glad I did. Everyone was so excited to see him. We ran into one of my favorite nurses in the parking lot as she was leaving for the day (how's that for luck?) and our other favorite nurse happened to be working too. We got a ton of compliments and my face hurt from smiling so much. I am so proud of my little guy. 4 months already!

time to do this - birth story

2011-09-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

For a multitude of reasons, I never sat down and wrote this out, but my friend had her little boy today and looking at pictures brought it all back so its fresh in my mind again. Just a warning though, if you are currently only trying to surround yourself with easy birth stories, stop reading after the actual birth part.

I woke up Memorial Day feeling a bit off. I thought I was having Braxton Hicks again so I ate breakfast and they seemed to go away so I went on with our day as normal. By dinner time I was having to breath through some of the pains but they were still irregular and went away when I changed activities. 9pm at night I told R that the pains were bad enough that I wouldn't be able to sleep, so no matter what they were (I really thought it was intestinal pain) I needed to call the doctor. As expected, we were sent to L&D to rule out pre-term labor. I think we checked in to triage somewhere around 11pm. The doctor that came in was actually the same doctor that saw us when we thought we were losing C at 10weeks because of the SCH. I doubt he remembered us, but it made it a little surreal for me.

As soon as they hooked up the monitors, the contraction monitor spiked to an 11....on a 1 to 12 scale. So I knew I wasn't over-reacting about gas pain at that point. The Dr. came in to do an internal, and I really expected to be told I was a 1-2 and would be on bedrest from here on out. Well, the bedrest part was correct, only it was a L&D bed because I was 3-4cm and he could feel the head so I was 80% effaced. We were told that we'd be admitted, but this far along they wouldn't do anything to stop the contractions.   I asked about steroid shots, and was told that they couldn't give me the shots because there was currently not enough medical data to support administering steroids between 34 and 36 weeks, but that there was a study currently being done at the hospital to examine possible benefits to late pre-term babies. Since participation gave us a chance at getting the steroids, we opted in. He did a quick u/s to confirm the baby was head down, I got an IV (twice, she blew the first vein..that was a lovely bruise later) and I was sent upstairs.

We got settled in to our L&D room around 2am and by this point, the back labor was pretty bad. I knew that if things progressed quickly I would need whatever sleep I could get so opted for the epidural. It was in place by 3am and I was numbed up by the time the medical study person made her rounds to give the first steroid (or maybe placebo) shot. I managed to sleep for a few hours after that.

Tuesday morning I was still around a 4, so the new game plan was to turn off the epidural around noon and hope that things stayed calm and I could be moved to observation until at least 35 weeks. So off it went at 12 and I was able to get up and use the bathroom a few times, the second time I got up I lost my mucus plug. By 3pm, the contractions and back labor were bad enough that I asked to turn the epidural back on. Once it was back on, everything slowed down again and I more or less hung steady until later that night. At 10:30pm I was around 5cm and 100% effaced. Over the course of the night my epidural wore off several times...each time the pain had shifted lower...first mid lower back, then my right hip, and finally low and in the front. The 3rd time it wore off I asked to be checked again. I was told they wanted to wait until my water broke but the pain was so bad I demanded that they check me then. The Dr. came in shortly after 3am and I was at an 8. As she asked for the hook to break my water, it broke on its own and gave me momentary relief of the pain, but a few minutes after the doctor left the pain became so bad I started vomiting (not a whole lot, because I'd been on a liquid diet for more than 24hrs at that point, but it still sucked) and R paged the nurses. Because my left leg was now entirely numb from the epidural, while my right side could still feel the pain, I opted to have the epidural redone.   R held me steady with a bed pan as a barf bucket while they redid it. Thankfully the relief came soon after and I slept until 7am.

Right before morning shift change, my admitting doctor checked me and I was at a 10. She decided I still needed to labor down a bit so she wished me luck and headed out. I napped for another hour and then the next shift made their rounds. The primary OB on the floor at that time was not from my practice, and snapped something about the head molding and that I shouldn't have been sitting like that for so long. WTF?   Luckily there was also a doctor from my practice on-call with her so she actually performed the delivery and was awesome. When it came time to push, it was R on one leg, a nurse on the other and her. Not the chaotic scene I'd always imagined.   They did need to give me pitocin because my contractions still weren't consistent, but I pushed through 3 contractions (12 pushes) and he was out at 8:43am.   He cried right away and the pediatric team took him off to the side to be examined. Everything looked great initially and I was able to hold him and put him to my breast for a minute or two. Shortly after that it was determined that his glucose level was too low and he would need to go to the NICU.   I would not see him again until 8pm that night.

While they were checking him out, the OB and nurses were also checking me out. As soon as I saw him, I completely forgot about that pesky placenta that I'd need to deliver as well. Let me just tell you, the abdominal/uterine massage they do to get it out and make sure your uterus is shrinking properly is almost as painful as the contractions. What came after that was 10x worse. After they took C, the massage produced a huge gush...from the look on R's face I knew I hadn't just peed myself even though I asked hopefully if that was all it was. The nurse gathered up the blankets and pads and they waited a few more minutes in hopes that things would straighten themselves out. The second massage produced an even bigger gush and the top of my uterus was nowhere near where it should have been. At this point the OB said I could either go into surgery or she could try manual extraction. She made it sound like the manual extraction would be easier so we agreed to that. Now at some point which I can't remember, my epidural had been removed. Still not fully grasping what was about to happen, I asked for Stadol...since my IV was still in. The Dr. said it wouldn't help with the pain, but I didn't care...at least it would help me forget it. Unluckily, that was not the case, and I can say with certainty that it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Manual extraction meant she reached all the way up inside me and felt around for the remaining placenta. 3 times. I screamed through all of it and on the 3rd attempt I remember screaming "please stop" and it was then, being one gush away from needing a blood transfusion, that it was decided I would need surgery after all.

Everything from then on is pretty much a blur...they doped me up on several different drugs and multiple doctors came in to talk to me. I remember checking with R when one pair left my bedside because I wasn't sure if they had really been there or if I'd just imagined them. Once on the operating table, they placed the epidural for the 3rd time and I lay in my drugged up haze while they did the D&E. Looking back, the surgery would have been a much, much simpler option. I suppose the only benefit would have been that, if the extraction had worked, I wouldn't have needed to be in post-op recovery.

Somewhere around 2pm I was on the high risk floor in recovery, and then moved to regular post partum in the late afternoon.   I had to wait until I got walk on my own before they removed my catheter and cleared me to go down to the NICU.

So there it is. I still have a difficult time with how things played out after his birth. There is no blame to place anywhere, my doctors were amazing and we have no answers as to why he came early. Unluckily, chances are I could be looking at repeat of these issues with the next one. At least next time I will be a little better prepared....I hope.

starting a new blog

2011-09-06T16:56:00.000-04:00

R and I decided a while back that we wanted to start a blog that we'd share with friends and family. As I explained there, it won't be as blunt as this one, because I can't very well bitch about things like my MIL's smoking habit and how exposing C to 3rd hand smoke still gives me anxiety if my sister-in-law's will be reading it. Well, I could, but I don't think that would help the situation. So it might be a little boring, but here it is. I will hopefully put updates here occasionally too...or at least find time to use this as outlet for venting frustrations, but this one will probably lie mostly dormant until next summer, when we will begin talking about FETs for child #2. Hard to believe that it is almost a year since I started the cycle that brought us our little boy!

8 weeks & starting bedtime routine

2011-07-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

This is the third night we've tried an actual bedtime routine, and we did bath, bottle, book, and bed all within 45 minutes and he was (insert 40 minute break to go sooth and feed him...again) originally down by 8:45. He is back in his crib but not fully asleep so I'm sure this round will be short lived too. And I was so proud there for a bit that I managed to shorten bedtime from the 2 hour ordeal it has been the past two nights.

Things are going well for the most part. C is a good baby and growing so fast. Our home scale put him around 10.6lbs on monday....hard to believe he was 4lbs lighter just 2 months ago. I've already had to put away his newborn clothes, and he has been in size 1 diapers for a few weeks now.

Last week we took our first family trip together and drove all the way up to my parent's summer house in Michigan...a 12-14 hour drive with a normal number of stops, closer to 16 stopping every 3 hours to feed and change C. We did stop overnight though, because I didn't think driving straight through was a good idea. C was a champ going out and slept almost the whole way. He was wide awake once we stopped, but luckily we stopped early and R took him into Cabela's, where he could stare at the ceiling lights while R checked out all the hunting/fishing stuff. He did really well in a new environment too. Our biggest concern was of course his sun exposure, but we took walks in the evening or early morning when there was still plenty of shade, and we took his bouncer and put it in his little outdoor baby play tent when we were outside or out on the dock since there was always a nice breeze and it soothed him right to sleep. We plan on going back up in a few weeks when my parents will also be there. I'm hoping by that point he is starting to focus more on faces and objects, but since he falls anywhere between 3 weeks adjusted age and 8 weeks, I've got a pretty broad timeline to guess at.

above birth weight!!

2011-06-18T15:33:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we had another pediatrician appointment to check on his weight gain...and he is up to 6lbs8oz!! (edit: oops....as R pointed out after reading this, he is 6lbs, not 8lbs like I originally put...apparently I went from pregnancy brain to mommy brain). My little baby is getting bigger already. So this takes some of the pressure off from sticking to a strict feeding schedule. Waking a sleepy baby in the middle of the night is not as easy as one would think. I'm still struggling with my milk supply...holding steady around a production of about 10ml an hour. Colton eats about 70ml every 2-4 hours, so I'm coming in a little under half of what he needs now. I'm taking Fenugreek right now, and I am going to add in Blessed Thistle before giving my OB a call and asking for Reglan, an anti-convulsant with a side effect of increasing milk production. Hopefully I can get my supply high enough to do a "breast feeding challenge" and wean off the formula in an attempt to continue the higher supply naturally.

Overall things are going well. We did have first trip to the ER earlier this week because C wasn't maintaining a high enough body temperature. At least we didn't have to go to the regular ER with god knows what kind of scummy idiots. Instead we went to the local children's hospital, which was absolutely wonderful. They put him under the warmer for a few hours and ran bloodwork as well as a urinalysis (which required a catheter...I'm not sure if that was more traumatic for me or him). Everything came back fine, so we weren't admitted. We've kept him double swaddled most of the time since then.

We also had his newborn photos taken this morning and I can't wait to see the proofs. As I expected, C wasn't thrilled when we tried to place him on his tummy, but I think we got some really good shots anyway.

36 weeks....old?

2011-06-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

That is still his gestational age anyway. So hard to believe my little guy is over a week old already. I think we've done amazingly well since he has been home. While pregnant, everyone always tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps, and that you'll never know sleep deprivation like you will after having a newborn. Well, I suppose we have to attribute some of the ease to extra sleepiness from jaundice, but we are both still functioning on a regular day and night schedule. The only time I reached the borderline of delirium was last Saturday, after a long day at the hospital...we came home and I told R that I had to lay down. Our current night schedule is worked around 3 feedings 11-12ish, 2-3ish, and 4-5ish. I usually head to bed early after pumping and R stays up to do the first feeding. Then I take over for the next 2 feedings, then head back to bed and sleep in while R takes over around 6. Colton is increasingly alert and awake in the early hours of the morning though, so we'll see how long this schedule works.

We are still having follow up appts with the pedi, and the NICU requires bi-weekly home visits from a nurse for the next two weeks, but everything appears to be on the right track. His bilirubin levels are dropping again, and his weight is starting to increase. He is now back up to 6.04lbs, from a low of 5.13 in the NICU. The pedi did tell us today that she would have liked to see him gain a little more, so we need to adhere to a 3 hour feeding schedule a little more closely. My biggest frustration right now is my milk supply. It just isn't increasing. Based on pumping amounts, I'm making about 10ml an hour. Colton eats 60-70ml every 3-4 hours. I talked to multiple lactation consultants while in the hospital and was told I'm doing everything right. I started fenugreek yesterday and I really hope it helps.

He is home!!!

2011-06-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

A week ago I walked into the maternity wing at the hospital with a baby in my belly. Today, I rolled out with a baby in my arms. We were given the option to have a wheelchair escort or the nurse rolling the crib from the NICU to the entrance. I opted for the wheelchair and holding him (in the carseat, odd rule but hey, I still had a cute baby in my lap) and while I was not being discharged with the flowers and balloons, I still got the exit I had always pictured.

The pets have done really well so far. The dog just did a sniff check and wanted to go back outside. My youngest cat, whom I assumed would immediately confine himself to the bedroom closet...is absolutely fascinated. Colton is sleeping in the pack n play at the moment, and I suppose it must look like a giant cat carrier, because he is watching it intently. Very cute. My older cat is a little more wary, but he is still being affectionate to me, so I know he isn't too upset.

Tomorrow we have our first pediatrician appointment and we have to go get C bloodwork in the morning because his bilirubin levels were 13.7 today and 14 is the highest they want to see it for his age. If it goes up much more, he may have to go back in to the hospital or have some type of home treatment phototherapy again, but he won't be readmitted to the NICU, so we are done with that part of our journey.

No Homecoming today.

2011-06-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

The past two days we have been working toward being discharged today. Everything seemed great when we got there. It was only at 12:30, an hour before we expected to be close to heading home, that the doctors made rounds and told us that Colton had lost too much weight and would need to stay another day. Apparently he is at 9% weight loss and the cut off for his gestational age is 10%. If he looses more weight they will want to place a feeding tube...and I'm guessing that would add another 3-4 days to his stay. We are little frustrated (beyond the obvious disappointment) because no one said anything to us about this being a concern until now. He was on ad lib feeding, meaning he was only fed when he woke up...sometimes in 4-5 increments, and eating around 25-35ml each feeding. Now they want him eating every 3 hours and at least 45ml. Um...you couldn't have reached this conclusion yesterday?

So needless to say, the afternoon was a little rough. We did have our first real breastfeeding session though, so that was a bright point. Being a preemie, he latches, starts sucking, then forgets what he is doing and stops, but we got a good 10 minutes in before he quit for good today. And I am happy to report that he did take 45ml between the breast and formula at his evening feeding before we headed home. Fingers crossed he can maintain his weight for tomorrow.

Discharged today. Just me, not him.

2011-06-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

Let the tears commence. We knew it was a strong possibility that he would not be ready to come with us, and I cry every time I think about it. He is still making great progress, and was weaned off his IV fluids as of our last feeding this morning, but he was also placed under the billirubin lights because he is showing signs of jaundice. So now we can't even look at him for extended periods of time because the lights will actually make one sick enough to vomit if looked at too long. I feel so bad for the poor little guy. He has spent the first two days of life getting stuck repeatedly in the heel to test his blood sugar (he cries and cries when this happens, it is so heartbreaking to hear) and now he has little foam goggles strapped to his head. As of now, he is slated to come home on Sunday. Not bad at all for his gestational age, but just a few days is harder emotionally than anything I could imagine. My heart truly goes out to all the parents with babies in there longer.

He is here!

2011-06-02T08:52:00.000-04:00

I'll post a detailed birth story (probably several posts) later, because the whole experience was so long with so many parts...some absolutely amazing, like his actual birth, and other parts, like my recovery, that were anything but.

Baby Colton was born at 8:43am June 1st, weighing 6.7lbs!! He is in the NICU now because his blood sugar wouldn't regulate on feeding alone. We are about to head down there now, but here is a picture taken yesterday before the Peds. team took him down to the NICU.

Admitted to Labor and Delivery

2011-05-31T13:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I woke up feeling Braxtons Hicks and what I thought was intestinal pains. These continued sporadically throughout the day, but by evening it was so painful that I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at all and I needed some kind of assistance regardless of what was causing the pain.

We checked into OB triage around 11pm and got all hooked up to the monitors again. Within minutes, it registered a contraction of 11 on a scale of 1 to 12. Not what we wanted to see, but I have to admit feeling a tiny bit of vindication that the pain wasn't all in my head.   We were seen by the same doctor who diagnosed our SCH.  This time we got a different type of shocking news as he kept his usual poker face on during my internal....I was dilated 3-4cm and he could feel the baby's head. R and I looked at each other with an "oh shit" expression.

They admitted us to L&D and though they weren't getting any closer together, I was exhausted and opted for an epidural at 3am. The back labor was probably one of the worst parts...the contractions still felt like really bad intestinal pain.   The epi wasn't really painful at all, but the numbing meds did sting a little. Then it was just an odd pressure on my back until the meds kicked. I was able to move my legs and was really only numb around the hip area.

They checked me again around 7am this morning and I was 4cm and 100% effaced and baby was in -2 position.   It is a little after 1pm now, and the contractions have stayed spaced out and irregular, so they turned off my epidural about 45 minutes ago to see what happens. If they stay infrequent and manageable for me, they'll move me upstairs to a pre-natal floor and monitor me there. Ideally we are hoping contractions stop altogether and they can send me home at 35 weeks on Thursday....I assume on strict bedrest. This close to 35 weeks they don't do anything to stop labor, but they also don't do anything to assist progression. 3 days ago I would have received steroid shots, but there is not enough medical data out there yet for them to give it to me now. We did opt to be included in a medical study on steroid use for late pre-term babies, but we don't know if we were assigned the placebo or the actual drug.

We are doing okay for now...feeling a little like a deer in headlights because we've barely started organizing anything. We do have plenty of friends and family locally though, so I know we can get it sorted out.

Little trip to L&D

2011-05-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday R and I were running some errands and I noticed that my hands were suddenly a lot more puffy than I've ever noticed before. I'd been dealing with ankle/leg swelling for a while, but this concerned me enough that we stopped by a Rite Aid and took the free BP test there. First time was 144/88. Not good. We sat down and waited a few minutes (and DH checked his to make sure it was a machine problem) and did it again...154/84. So we called the on call doctor and as I expected, we were sent in for monitoring.

At 34 weeks, I didn't think I'd be seeing those rooms before the big day. Even though we are in a much better spot pregnancy wise than we were 24 weeks ago, physically been in the same place again carried some pretty strong memories. Though the first nurse called me back pretty quickly, my pulse was up to 121 when she did the initial evaluation. She asked if I was nervous and I just gave her a look and said a trip to L&D isn't exactly a calming experience. I don't remember my exact starting BP numbers in triage, but oddly enough...there was a huge variation between my right and left arms...which the nurse said was normal. My OB always used my right arm, which was 125/60something, while my left was still at 144ish/80something.

After 3 hours everything was back to normal ranges, but my bloodwork showed something with my liver was borderline, so I need repeat BW on Wed, and though the quick urine test (I'm guessing a dip test?) came back clear...the more detailed test showed a little protein, so I get to do a 24 hour urine catch this week. Thankfully they told me I was fine to wait until Tuesday to do it, so I don't have to confine myself to the house for memorial day. I have my monthly MFM u/s Tuesday morning, so we'll get a new estimate on LO's size and Friday I have my OB appointment to discuss delivery options and I should have all these test results by then.

Baby shower!

2011-05-24T11:31:00.000-04:00

My shower was on Sunday. I knew the date and location, but the details were mostly a surprise. Everything turned out great and I think everyone had fun. It was almost a bust though. Ok, not really...but remember those super cute shoes I fell in love with back in Feb? Yeah, well....I made the mistake of not trying them on again until Saturday. My poor feet were so puffy I almost couldn't get them on. I am a shoe person. Though I've refrained from any other shoe purchases while pregnant, I couldn't resist those and my whole outfit was planned around them, because sometimes, it is all about the shoes. All was good though, I kept my feet up as much as I could Saturday and slept with 3 pillows under them. Totally worth it and I got several compliments on them.

We got a lot of great stuff, which I'm now facing the overwhelming task of finding a place for. R cleaned out half a kitchen cabinet to make room for bottles and such. Nursery furniture still isn't in, so right now things are just shoved in baskets in the closet. I am proud to say I've already knocked out a bunch of thank you notes. Unlike a bridal shower, it is a bit easier to write them when you can actually open and put away/organize what you got, rather than following proper etiquette and waiting until the wedding is over. I did figure out quite quickly that I needed the gifts in front of me to write out the notes, because even with a gift list written as I opened things....it was so confusing remembering who gave what. Because it isn't just Aunt A gave us sheets...it is noting whether it was crib sheets, bassinet sheets, pack n play sheets....how I'll keep them all straight I don't know. And trying to cross check with the registry is always fun. Babies R Us didn't update half of the stuff that was bought of it (I have gift receipts with my registry #, so I know it wasn't user error) and then there are the mystery gifts. I had a few of these from my wedding as well. Gifts that were bought off the registry and never given. How long do you wait until just buying another yourself? We could be needing that diaper genie in as little as 5 weeks. R and I plan on waiting until mid June to allow time for work showers before tackling the clothing inventory and shopping to fill the gaps.

Relaxing before gifts (please note the shoes!)

Fabulously delicious cake.

Is it working yet? (32 weeks)

2011-05-16T10:12:00.000-04:00

This time I can blame the delayed post on blogger, which I discovered was crapped out right after uploading my pictures to my work computer on Friday. I suppose it is a good thing, because the weekend gave me some time to be relax and get back to being much more upbeat than I was feeling Friday. Last week was rough. Not compared to my SCH issues, but definitely worse than anything since that resolved.

Mother's Day weekend was pretty good. I made it to a neighbor's Kentucky Derby party and lasted, mostly on my feet, until about 9:30. Then on Sunday we went to annual steeplechase and tailgate event that we've gone to every year (R proposed there in 2006) and had fantastic weather. I rocked the pink dress in the picture below and even had strangers complimenting me for being out there while pregnant.

I took Monday as a sick day just to get some stuff done, and after that my week tanked. Tuesday and Wednesday I had Braxton's Hicks that were so painful I finally called the doctor, who said that was pretty normal and as long as they went away when I changed position not worry. So, good that it was normal...not much help because they were the worst while stuck in rush hour traffic. The other big problem I'm having is swelling. Being stuck at a desk all day makes my ankles blow up, and it only gets worse as the week goes on. I was wearing Adidas flipflops by Thursday because nothing else fit. Thankfully, they are much better on the weekends, so I'm still getting a break. My OB has yet to see them at their worst though, so we'll see what she says on Friday.

I started painting the name letters, and I must say, they look pretty damn awesome. When they are done I'll devote a post to what I did, because I have had a few minor glitches. So far I've tackled the two letters that get stripes, and R painted the 2 that are solid colors. Next up....polka dots.

Aw...hiccups!!

2011-05-05T13:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday he had his first round of hiccups! (or at least the first that I've felt). As I was driving home I felt these odd little kicks in the exact same spot, coupled with what felt like small cervix punches. I figured out that he was hiccuping, kicking my ribs and sending his head into my cervix....he only had 6 or 7 but it was so cute. He got them again while we were watching TV and I could just barely see them from the outside. Then I started feeling bad for him because he woke up and didn't seem very happy with his current condition. Poor guy...at least they only lasted 5 minutes or so.

Yesterday our wooden name letters came. I was going back and forth whether I was ready to commit to one name before he was born, but I decided to go ahead and take the risk. Still undecided as to whether I will share it here yet. I know at least 2 people I know IRL read, or at least have found, this blog and we aren't making name announcements to everyone until after he is born. Hell, my co-workers and some friends don't even know we are having a boy. Anyway....the letters are here so I plan to start painting them in the next week or so. My other project is painting 3 small pictures to match this lamp R had as a child (have I said that already?...I can't remember). I'll post pictures of the lamp and the paintings when I'm done and I know I still need to post nursery pictures. Hopefully the furniture will arrive soon...I think the timeframe was mid-May to mid-June.

I don't have my 31 week bump pic yet...we have a Derby party on Saturday so I figured I'd just get one then. Here are the last 3 weeks though.

may need to consider a scheduled c-section

2011-05-03T20:45:00.000-04:00

I had my monthly u/s with the MFM doc. today. Everything looked good, but the tech kept going back and measuring the belly. Finally she asked if I'd passed my GD test, because his abdomen was measuring ahead by quite a bit. I said I had, and that they told me if they didn't call it meant I'd passed. I asked if everything else was measuring ahead too, since he'd been about 2 weeks ahead since 20 weeks. He was still 2 weeks ahead in general, but his abdomen was in the 93rd percentile, whereas everything else was above the 50th percentile. So naturally I start wondering if my GD results were somehow lost, but I had my OB appointment a few hours later and was told I passed with flying colors.

The mid-wife did express some concern when I mentioned the u/s measurements...and that baby has an estimated weight of 4.9lbs!! She said that shoulder size usually correlates with abdominal size, and the doctor would discuss the possibility of scheduling a c-section at my 34 or 36 week appointment.

My "birth plan" has always been whatever is best for me and the baby, whether that be natural, medicated or c-section, but at this point in my pregnancy, I didn't think I'd need to be choosing one over the other before I was actually in labor. I really have mixed emotions about choosing a c-section. I know I don't want a 22hr labor and then an emergency c/s, but I'd like the chance to do it without major surgery. I admit most of my immediate reasons for not wanting a c/s are vain and selfish....mainly extended recovery time, not being able to resume normal activity right away and start working off the baby weight (yes, I realize that last part is highly delusional). On the other hand, just the word episiotomy scares me. So I guess I'll do some research and see what the next few weeks bring. I think it is safe to say I'm tossing out any thoughts of natural birth!

We did get to see his face today...and we got a smile! He was practicing smiling and frowning. I think he may have my mouth.

Pictures.

2011-04-29T13:55:00.002-04:00

I have more to add, but here is a start!

Our room, so breezy and peaceful!

The one day I was brave enough to give the belly a little sun (seemed to make a linea nigra appear so I kept it covered the rest of the week). Secret Harbor, St. Thomas.

"Main Street" on Jost Van Dyke. One of those little buildings is customs, boats are supposed to dock and check in on a good faith basis.

The Catamaran we took our day sail on, and White Bay, Jost.

Dressed up for dinner...taken in the Italian gardens at the place we stayed.

Love this photo that R took. I think this was in Maho Bay, St. John.

A little hard to see since he was stirring up sand, but a sea ray in Maho Bay.

The reef at Coki Beach, St. Thomas. People could feed the fish here, so they'd actually swim up to you!

Back from vacation!

2011-04-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

St. Thomas was fabulous and all in all, I did pretty well physically.   Of course, it was HOT...but there wasn't much humidity so the shade and/or water provided substantial relief.   If you are friends with me on facebook, I've already uploaded a bunch of pictures, but I'll add a long picture post here in the next few days.   I am pleased to say I have an amazing tan now.

Most of the trip was without problems, except of course for a few travel glitches. We left for the airport at 4am Monday morning for a 6am flight. I wasn't nervous about flying, but I wasn't really sure what to expect either, so I was not prepared for what came next.   About an hour into the 2.5 hour flight I started getting hot flashes, so I took off my hoodie and that helped for maybe 30 minutes. Then they came back full force accompanied by sudden nausea....yep, air sickness. I've never been air sick in my life and I seriously thought I was going to throw up right there in the middle seat.   I made it to the bathroom and felt a little better. I had R dig out the seabands I packed, cranked up the air gauge above my seat and made it through the rest of the flight without incident.   I think it was the first time ever I was a little grateful for a 1 hour delay, giving me a little extra time on the ground in Miami. Luckily the 2nd leg of the trip and our return were not a problem.

While in Miami, we found out that our friends, flying in from Boston and meeting us at the airport in St. T, wouldn't be making it down until Tuesday, because their flight had been canceled (turns out that mechanical failure was also the cause for our delay). So it was just R and I that first night and the next day, which actually ended up being really nice because we had some time to unwind without being swept up right away in group plans (there were a total of 7 people eventually).

Over the course of the week we made it to St. John twice, visiting Maho Bay, Cinnamon Bay, Honeymoon Bay, and Trunk Bay.   We took a daysail to Jost Van Dyke, which was absolutely beautiful, but don't go there on or near a holiday weekend, because White Bay becomes party central for everyone in Puerto Rico who wants to enter the BVIs illegally (when I post a pic of "main street", you'll see why it is a prime choice for skipping customs).   We got in plenty of swimming and snorkeling though, and saw tons of fish, sea turtles, rays, and even a school of squid!   The only thing we didn't do was make it over to St. Croix. Between the cost ($90 round trip) and schedule of the ferry, we decided it wasn't the time to do it because I wouldn't last a full day on the island.

I think might also have a future beach bum on our hands. It is hard to distinguish movement while swimming, but as soon as I'd settle down on the beach he'd go nuts.

28 weeks!!

2011-04-14T15:38:00.000-04:00

Good news, the emotional crazies are not here stay. After crying at the drop of a hat for the first 5 days of 3rd tri, yesterday I felt back to normal. Not sure what exactly all that was about, but I'll blame R's fishing trip this weekend for most of it. ;)

3 more days until we leave for St. Thomas. My mind checked out around mid-afternoon yesterday...I am so ready to be down there! I still have to pack, but I've got my assortment of cute dresses and shorts all ready to go. The only daunting task that remains is attempting to find a strapless bra. Yeah...not looking forward to that. The amount of side-boob I've acquired is just ridiculous, so I may end up having to choose between the saggy boob look and the stuffed sausage look for a few of these tops/dresses. I don't think we'll be paying for maternity photos, so I've been hoping someone can get a few nice pictures while we are down there. That is all I really need. And what better backdrops than these?

Hello 3rd Trimester!!

2011-04-11T12:54:00.001-04:00

Once again I've been slacking, I'm now 27 weeks and 4 days, so last week was the start of 3rd tri.   Friday I had my glucose tolerance test and all I can is that people are freaking pansies, because it wasn't that bad. It tasted like flat orange soda with extra sugar in it. The worst part, naturally, was getting my blood drawn because even with all that extra blood flow....my veins still suck. At least she only had to stick me once and the vials they took were teensy tiny so it was over before I knew it.   They said they'd call with results only if there was a problem.

So it would appear that 3rd tri has brought along a few sudden changes.   If "nesting" = "OMG I can't shut my brain off ever", then that has started. Our house is in pretty good shape...at least until the baby stuff start really pouring in, so instead I've gone into panic overdrive about the conditions of the grandparents houses.   My mother-in-law smokes...so we have one house full of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. My parents are borderline hoarders. Not in that TLC show way, more in the too many family heirlooms that we really don't need along with every piece of artwork/toy I've owned stashed in the attic kind of way.   Seriously...I know we have a while, but it is far from child proof.   So my focus over the next few months will be getting rid of as much stuff as I can.   There isn't much I can do about the smokey house except limit our time there...but that in and of itself is a stressful issue.

Also, while it could be the above stress combined with fast approaching major travel, the irrational emotions have arrived as well. The littlest things will send me into tears now. Yesterday I asked R which suitcases we were taking now that he had borrowed the extra big one from his parents. He got short with me and said he'd already told me this 3 times. That resulted in a good 15 minutes of tears.

Hopefully once we are in St. Thomas I can slow my mind down and just relax, because I feel like I did back when I was on Adderall for ADD. Its not fun.

On a good note, my bump did not continue its major growth spurt...if anything, I think it might be a little smaller than my 26 week pic.

Baby/kid resale events.

2011-04-05T10:21:00.000-04:00

On Saturday a friend and I decided we'd check out this huge resale event held by a Moms of Multiples club at a local school. The sale was from 9-12 so I figured we'd go around 9:30.   Friday evening I talked to my neighbor, who is a garage sale pro, and she told me if we had anything specific we were looking for we had better get there early....like before the doors opened early. She hadn't been to this exact one before, but the last big one she attended had a line halfway around the building.   So we adjusted our plans and decided to meet at 7:30am.

As soon as I pulled on to the road where the school was located, I was cut off by about 3 minivans in a row. I laughed to myself that they must be headed to the sale....yeah, they were.   The whole parking lot was full of minivans and trucks and there was already a line of at least 100.   These people do not joke around...I even saw one with her own rolling storage cart thing.

So the doors opened at 8 and by the time we got back to the room with the big stuff it looked like a scene from the running of the brides event. People pushing stuff aside, grabbing things practically out from under others...we just sort of stood there and stared for a minute. We looked over a few things, but most of it was toys so we didn't spend much time in that section and headed to the clothing room.   Luckily the maternity section wasn't as much of a zoo and I got two cute tops and a pair of pants for $15.   I wasn't planning on buying any baby clothes yet, but I saw this outfit on a rack and just fell in love with it. It is 3-6 months, so it may not fit until the end of summer/september...but he has his first swimsuit!!

The little wooden train is a toy that R had as a child and will be in the nursery.

26 weeks!

2011-03-31T10:35:00.000-04:00

So I just wrote out a quick update and posted it....to the wrong blog. No idea how that happened, but I added it to a group Infertility blog that has been inactive for close to a year. I suppose that part is good, because otherwise that would have been reaaallly awkward with the belly shots and blantant pregnancy AW.

Anyway, no nursery pics yet...due to lack of good natural lighting in the evening we decided to do the rest of the painting this afternoon (or now weekend since it is dark and rainy today). So this post will be pretty short, sadly I have a funeral for R's great uncle this afternoon. It was reason enough to break out my first maternity dress outfit though, which actually looks really cute.

Look, the first time my knees have seen daylight in public since last October!

And the belly shot. I'm not sure if it is the dress or that I've really grown, but I really look pregnant today!

down to double digits!!

2011-03-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

99 days left!!!

The nursery is almost done. When I say done, I mean the painting is almost finished. I don't expect to have any furniture in there until late May or possibly even June. We did buy a glider this past weekend. We went to several furniture stores with the idea that buying a good glider from them would be better so it could eventually transition into a family room. Turns out, at least in this area, Dutailier still holds the corner on the glider market no matter what store you go in. So we decided to just look at the ones they had in Babies R Us, so at the very least I'd know which models we didn't want when I checked online. We ended up going with this glider:

It seemed just as well made and sturdy as similar models in the regular furniture stores and the in stock fabric was something I liked. Maybe the finish won't hold up super long, but I think we got a pretty good deal.

25 weeks

2011-03-25T14:37:00.001-04:00

Overall I'm feeling pretty good, but sleep sure has been alluding me this week. I'm not sure what it is that has suddenly changed, but I can't even roll over at night without feeling like I need to get up to go to the bathroom. I even called the nurse to get checked for a UTI just in case because I had some lower ab discomfort last weekend too, but I haven't heard anything so I assume that is fine. I'm pretty sure the cramps were just growing pains, but I'm not really bigger.

This past weekend we moved the last of the stuff out of the room that is to be the nursery and started repainting the closet doors. We are hopefully going to get the first coat of wall paint done this weekend, but I doubt we'll get to the second part (high gloss stripes of the same color). We settled on Valspar River Mist for the color...not too aqua, but at the same time not too baby blue either.

R is becoming a Craig's list junkie...he has been forwarding me links to giant baby garage sales. There is one tomorrow that I might check out (not just baby stuff though), and really extensive one next weekend that I plan on checking out with my friend. Hopefully I can find some nice spring maternity pants, because I don't really have anything in my loaner stash that fits yet. And I think I've said before, I prefer the full panel style over the under belly ones, particularly now that I'm bigger. It just gets really uncomfortable to sit with this heavy elastic band pushing on your lower belly.

Only 4 more days until I hit double digits! 35/35 is going to be here before I know it. Also only a few more days until I am supposed to submit my notice of resignation intent at work....and come clean to the rest of my co-workers. I am amazed the nosy secretary hasn't said anything yet. It will be interesting to see if they are surprised or not.

24 weeks! Viability!

2011-03-17T10:20:00.000-04:00

We made it! 24 weeks is has been the big milestone all along. The next milestone is getting to full term. From here on out, we have a chance if this little guy decides to come early and every week means a stronger baby. Only 3 weeks left until 3rd trimester!

So I think the belly is really starting to grow out rather than just up. Since my growth has been so gradual, I don't realize all the time how much I've really grown:

And to think I felt bloated and huge at 12 weeks. Ha!

Movement is starting to get crazy now. Those little feet are still almost always up under my right ribs (at least it feels that way). Last night R was even able to feel his first cluster of kicks, rather than one that was over before he even realized what he was feeling. Seeing it from the outside never ceases to amaze me. Even though I feel him so much on the inside, somehow being able to see my belly move and know it is my baby on the other side making that happen is just so much more real. Pretty soon I think I be at the lopsided bump phase depending on where he is positioned. I felt my first slow roll from the outside the other morning. I couldn't tell if it was a head or a butt, but this little lump pushed its way across my side. Last night before bed I felt an elbow (?) slowly move up my belly.

I think I may have had some Braxton Hicks, but I don't know what they feel like, so I'm not sure. It usually happens once or twice when I'm walking for exercise, and then recently it is happened at random times even when resting. It feels like a tight fist in my lower abdomen, but the rest of my uterus doesn't feel hard at all, so I wonder if it is just baby curling into a little ball down there. It isn't painful, at the worst it feels like when your bladder is too full. I'll mention when I talk to the nurse tonight (part of a healthy start program through my insurance, I get weekly calls from a nurse now to check up on me and answer any questions) but I'm not concerned.

My next u/s is in about 2 and half weeks, and I get to have my 1 hour glucose test on April 8th. I'm pretty sure I'm fine. With a diabetic sister and a diabetic cat, I could certainly test myself if I felt like it, but it still wouldn't save me from that nasty glucola. After all the crap I've been through in the past two years, I'm pretty sure it won't be that bad.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!

Fetal echo went well!

2011-03-09T10:47:00.000-05:00

And I'd like to introduce the sweetest face in the whole world.

The MFM doctor turned on the 4D feature at the end of our scan. He is absolutely adorable (and that little hand is still up by the head!).

Everything looked great, I learned some new things, and baby is definitely a boy. He is measuring 24w4days and weighs about 1lb7oz!! Chances are I will end up having a June baby, with an adjusted uterine age EDD of 6/28, but my true EDD is still 7/7 because while baby is bigger, he isn't actually older.

They took all the heart measurements first...HB was around 135 because he was napping. That took up the majority of the appt. The nurse was very nice and explained beforehand that it would take awhile and not to be concerned if she got quiet because she would have to do a lot of concentrating to get the right measurements. Honestly, by 45 minutes into it, I was almost bored. Most of the screenshots were close ups of ventricles, arteries, heart chambers, etc., so I couldn't even see baby moving around while she measured.

They did a cervical length check since I had a history of uterine abnormality (septum removal). The first thing I noticed was this odd looking black ball in what looked like the middle of my cervix. The tech said it was probably a contraction, but she'd bring in the doctor to be sure. I could see where the cervix still looked long and closed, so I wasn't freaking out, but it certainly was a bit disconcerting. The doctor explained (complete with hand drawn diagram) that the "ball" was really an empty pocket of the uterus caused by two focal contractions, which are localized muscle spasms in the uterus often caused by too much poking and prodding. When these happen during an u/s, they can look just like fibroids as the muscle is all knotted up. I just happened to have them in mirrored spots on either side of my cervix, making it look like part of the cervix. These can occur anywhere in the uterus and aren't anything to worry about.

Final SCH update!!:
Before she finished up the abdominal scan I asked her to check my SCH and it is officially gone!! She looked, I looked while she scanned, and the doctor came in to look. The sack and the uterine walls were well defined and looked great, so in the dr's words, I'm "just normal" now. Yay! Such a relief to know that I don't have worry about anything shifting. I've spent so much of this pregnancy being abnormal/high-risk, I don't even know what normal pregnancy rules are like. At least I know I will be free to swim in St. Thomas! I have a regular OB appt on Friday, where of course I will be sure to get an "all clear" first, but it will be nice to be able to push myself a little in the regular activity department.

slacking on the blogging (22 weeks!)

2011-03-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

So I'm about 4 days late with my weekly update post, but I accomplished a lot in the meantime!

- Signed up for birthing/labor class
- Scheduled appt. with home nurse for pre-term labor education (free service from Aetna)
- Started the registration process for cord blood donation
- Set up registries at Babies R Us (BRU) and Target

Registering has been a major headache, but to start my saga off on a good note, someone bought my Pack N Play already! I've only had these set up for 2 days and something is already bought. I am so excited! Here it is...Graco Kinsley from Target.

Love the pattern. It took me forever (okay, a week of constant searching) to find a pattern I liked that included the PnP, carseat, swing, and high chair....or at the very least the infant car seat and PnP. Originally I fell in love with Graco's Broadstreet pattern, but naturally it was being discontinued when I started seriously considering what to register for about a week ago. So I searched the car seats on Graco's site, checked out the patterns available at BRU and was about to settle for a pattern with a slightly heavier carrier than we originally wanted (Snugride 35 vs regular Snugride) when I searched under the Pack n Plays on Graco's site and found the one above. It does come with the full travel system as opposed to just the carrier, but the stroller is pretty easy to fold and will be nice when we do want something a little heavier duty that the Graco carrier frame I am also registered for. Of course, moments after swearing to my mother I wouldn't be caught dead registering at Target, I discovered this pattern was only available there...so I ate my words and registered at the store from hell. I'm keeping my registry there fairly small, and just hoping that everyone includes a gift receipt if they buy off registry or online because Target only allows up to $70 of returned merchandise within one calendar year...so if I get 2 of a larger item by accident (because they are notorious for screwing that up too) I'm stuck. That pattern is totally worth the risk though.

And here is my 22 week bump pic from a horrible angle, but I didn't feel like a re-take.

Tomorrow is our fetal echo. I can't wait to see our little guy again.

Saw movement!

2011-02-26T19:00:00.001-05:00

That's right, I saw it! I was resting on my bed for a few minutes and I could see my belly move when he kicked! It was the neatest moment. I called R over but of course baby had stopped the higher up kicks. Poor guy. One of these days we'll time things right so he can feel/see them.

21 weeks

2011-02-25T21:28:00.000-05:00

I got my first stranger comment today! In the elevator at work I was asked when I was due and then told I look great for someone due in July! That totally made my day. So I guess I am really starting to look pregnant to everyone now, hello belly:

I still think I am a bit on the small side belly-wise, but I'm pretty sure baby is well ahead of the curve. My baby books say my uterus is now 3/4 of an inch above my belly button. I assume they mean the top of the uterus, but this little guy is kicking me a few inches above it, or at least it feels that way. Once or twice when I've been sitting a little hunched over I swear he's gotten a rib. This afternoon I was able to feel a few outside kicks while resting my hand on top of my belly. It was the coolest feeling. I'm hoping R can feel him soon.

And an all things shopping update. I tried on my Victoria's Secret tankini top from last summer...that was a sad mistake and made me feel like a flabby fat guy with a beer gut. So I took a chance and ordered a maternity suit online. I searched everywhere for something that wasn't frumpy or a blinding pattern and finally found this site. Here is my suit, which actually looks pretty cute on!

The top may not last me through the summer, but the next size up would have left the bottoms falling off me. I also discovered that ebay is quite helpful when looking for summer maternity clothes in February. I bought a cute sundress brand new from Motherhood maternity for only $14 including shipping. We'll see if my sizing luck continues.

And finally, I ordered our first pack of diapers from Amazon. While at the dentist the other day, I managed to score two 20% off coupons out of the Feb. and Mar issues of Parenting mag. they had. Though they say only one per customer, if the codes start with YT and YJ you can combine both on one order. Also, if you sign up for subscribe & save through Amazon Mom, you save another 30%. So I got a pack of Pampers that was originally $41 for $12. Score!

Bought our crib!

2011-02-23T11:04:00.000-05:00

Since we were both too sick to make it out shopping this past weekend, we went out last night and took advantage of the last day of a President's Day sale. Good thing we did too, because aside from saving some money, delivery time can be up to 4 months! Thats about all I've got left.

We went with the Munire Bristol crib that I originally fell in love with. R had some doubts about it being suitable for a boy, but we have decided that this crib will move on to the next baby, so buying one with just this child in mind didn't make much sense. We did debate going with a Ragazzi set though that was on the floor.
From the Pompei collection:

Ultimately I decided I liked the rounded corners of the Munire one better, so this is our crib.

We also bought the toddler rails and adult conversion kits, as well as a 6 drawer dresser. Of course, on the drive home it occurred to me that we forgot to order a mattress, but I'm pretty sure I can find a better deal for one online somewhere.

Being sick sucks.

2011-02-20T20:20:00.000-05:00

And it really sucks when you are pregnant, for a multitude of reasons. Lets go over a few

1. You can't take any of the good meds, not that the over the counter crap works anyway.

2. You can't sleep on your back so you can breathe at night...instead you wake up contantly with a severly dry and painful throat.

3. You pee yourself when you sneeze, despite doing a ton of kegels. Not every time, but when your on sneeze #5 in a row or are in an odd postion (like sleeping on your side w/ a pillow between your legs) you're done.

4. Both coughing and sneezing make your already stretched out abdominal muscles hurt more, adding injury to insult after you've just peed yourself a little.

5. You have be on top of your temperature like white on rice, because if it gets over 101, its off to the doctor/L&D.

So yeah, that horrid cold I had is turning into a force to be reckoned with, and R has it too. So far my temperature hasn't gone above 99.5, but I've been taking Tylenol when it gets up there. R's is up over 100, even with the "good" meds/Tylenol. Needless to say, we will both be calling our doctors tomorrow.

20 weeks - halfway there!

2011-02-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

We are halfway through the pregnancy!! Possible even more since this little one was measuring a week and a half ahead at the anatomy scan. Can you believe I only have 7 weeks left until 3rd tri? I sure can't. I'd like to say that the next few weeks will go nice and slow, but I have a feeling they will be gone in a flash too. R is likely traveling to Texas for week long work trip in April...right before we leave for St. Thomas, so we are shortening our nursery prep timeframe. Not sure that is even possible, but hopefully we can take advantage of some President's Day sales and get our crib ordered this weekend.

Aside from a nasty cold that is currently kicking my ass, I've been feeling pretty good. My sciatica pain is much, much better, so now I'm just left with normal pregnancy pains. I'm hoping to start some easy yoga and prenatal workouts soon.

My sleep is gone again.

2011-02-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

I think I've seen the last of halfway decent nights of sleep.   This past weekend we were visiting friends, and though I have no shame and hauled my huge pregnancy pillow with me, I rarely sleep well when I'm not in my own bed. I figured I'd catch up on sleep once we were home. Yeah....not so much. It would seem that I've passed that blissful window of time in pregnancy where you only have to get up to pee 2-3 times a night. I swear I'm back to bathroom trips every hour.  Last night I was up at 11:15 (45 minutes after getting in bed), 12, 1am, 2am, and finally 3:30am. I think I might have to take my one baby book's suggestion of stopping/reducing fluid intake after 6pm because this is just ridiculous.

We told both our parents this weekend that we are having a little boy. MIL was the most excited I've seen her all pregnancy. She said she'd been hoping it was a boy because R had always wanted a little brother growing up.   My parents were very happy too, but I think my mom may have wanted it to be a surprise. Oh well.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I saw these shoes in a Nordstrom catalogue while at my parents last night and fell in love with them. I rarely buy shoes online, but it didn't look like they were available in store anywhere near me, so I found a website with free shipping and free returns (http://www.endless.com/) and bought them on a whim. I have been very good about not buying any shoes while pregnant in case my feet grow but I just had to take the risk.   I'm validating myself by saying they'll make the most perfect shoes to wear to a baby shower!

It would appear...

2011-02-12T09:26:00.001-05:00

that some of my readers have much better intuition than R or I because.....

We were totally shocked because we were both so sure we were having a girl....and at no point during our u/s did we see anything that told us otherwise so that tech was really good at hiding it. I really haven't even seriously looked at any boy names yet. So exciting!

***Nothing on facebook please since we aren't sure if we will be telling everyone!***

anatomy scan is complete!

2011-02-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

Everything looked great at our anatomy scan. I was not prepared for how hard the tech had to push to get some of the right angles for measurement, but in the end she got everything except the fingers. Little baby just didn't want to open up those little fists...so they will check them again at our fetal echo on March 8. They checked the cord, the brain, did quite few heart measurements....all looked good. There was one point when she measured the nuchal fold at 3.2 that I got a bit concerned, but logic told me there were different cut-offs for the NT vs. the anatomy scan and I was right. The nurse said the cut-off for a 1st tri scan is 3, but the cut-off for 2nd tri is 6, so still well within normal. Baby was head down, so I am guessing some of the movement I've been feeling are little punches, not kicks.

After she did all the initial measurements, she left to check the pictures with the doctor and see if he wanted a cervical length check done. The nurse said normally they only do this if there is a uterine abnormality, and since I had a septum removal, she'd have to ask. I was glad they did decide to do one, even if it meant being re-united once more with the dildo cam, because it is one less thing to wonder/worry about. Cervix length was nice and long and showed no signs of opening with pressure. She then went back and remeasured the heart, which made R really nervous because he was worried that meant there was a problem, but all was good.

The nurse saw no sign of the hematoma, which was fantastic, but questionable. When the doctor came in after the nurse was done, he did a quick scan himself and we did see the upper area that was sealed off. It is thoroughly sealed off at this point though and poses no threat to the baby. The lower part is gone, so aside from maybe some minor spotting/bleeding, I'm good to go for now. I'll call my OB sometime this week to check about pelvic rest and restrictions.

And finally, I am afraid I must keep you all waiting a little bit longer on the sex of our baby. We had the nurse write the sex down on a card they have just for that and seal it in an envelope. We will open it either tonight or tomorrow night at an early Valentine's Day dinner. R suggested the idea, and since I was getting more and more nervous about the anatomy part, it seemed like a better way to find out than in a darkened scan room while possibly learning so much other info. I promise to update tomorrow or Sunday!

19 weeks

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

T minus one week until I'm halfway there! Tomorrow we will find out whether we are expecting a little boy or a little girl. I am trying not to be nervous for the anatomy scan, but good lord, there is so much that can still be wrong. I'm telling myself that since I had a fairly comprehensive scan at 15 weeks, I'm less likely to get shocking news than someone who hasn't had a scan since 11-12 weeks, but that evil little voice in the back of my mind is still rattling off the "what ifs".

Can't say I feel much different than last week, and I'm pretty sure I don't look different either. Earlier this week I felt huge, and even my physical therapist commented that it looked like I'd popped. But this morning I didn't feel any bigger at all, and if I sucked the belly in a stranger wouldn't even give it a second glance.

Not the greatest picture...R was on the phone when he took it and I had to run out the door to work. This weekend we are heading down to DC to visit friends. It will be my first trip of any sort since 6 weeks and it will be nice to get away for a bit. Next weekend I think we are going to hope for some President's Day sales and go crib shopping! We aren't planning on making any other major nursery decisions until late March (I've been staring at paint swatches for almost 2 weeks now though...that will get a special post later I'm sure) but I don't know how long some delivery times can take and we'd like the nursery basics done by the time we leave for St. Thomas in April. That will leave May and June for organizing shower gifts, finding a pediatrician, and all the other stuff that I haven't thought about yet.

SCH:

We'll see what tomorrow shows, but *fingers crossed* I haven't had anything but tinged CM since Sunday. That is longest I've gone since this all started without at least obvious spotting, so I'm really hoping it is a continuing trend. The OB at my appt. on Monday said not to be surprised if it still wasn't resolved, but I had told I was still having spotting since I assumed this lull was short lived. Either way, she didn't seem concerned and said she saw no reason why we couldn't travel to St. T in April.

Super bowl sunday.

2011-02-06T16:39:00.000-05:00

A year ago today, we had just completed the IUI part of our 2nd IUI cycle. We attended a friend's super bowl party...where we talked about TTC, but totally skirted the trouble and IF parts. Little did we know, the couple hosting had recently found out their 2nd IUI cycle had failed and were gearing up for their first IVF cycle...all at the same RE clinic we were going to.

Today, we are having the neighbors come over for pizza. I will probably go to bed half way through the game because being 18 weeks pregnant can be exhausting. Our friends from last year's party will probably be calling it an early night too because they have a 1 month old little girl from that IVF cycle. So much can change in a year.

And speaking of exciting changes, I went to the mall earlier with one of my best friends...and she told me she is pregnant!!! She is about 6 weeks so they haven't told anyone other than their bosses yet, but I am so happy she told me. It was so nice talking to someone else IRL who really seems to get pregnancy, and not take that nonchalant "whatever happens, happens" attitude. Her first u/s is later week...everything crossed she gets to see that little heartbeat!

18 weeks.

2011-02-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

Technically 18w2days...my 18 week bump pic attempt was a giant fail and then my camera battery died, so take two was this morning. I think I've finally popped a little.

My weight is still about the same, but my bump and boobs are growing in full force. Every time R walks by when I'm changing or getting in and out the shower, he stares as though he has never seen breasts before. Then, of course, he tries to play with them. Hopefully we'll be off this pelvic rest soon.

I was supposed to have an OB appt yesterday, but my doctor was called into surgery, so my options were going to the office location that isn't very convenient, or waiting until Monday. I chose to move it to Monday, so I'll ask my list of questions then. I'm not too concerned about the SCH...I've barely had spotting the past week. My latest issue, which actually has been going on periodically for a few weeks, is my digestive system's inability to perform its duties at a regular pace without causing all kinds of cramps and pains. I started eating dried prunes and was good for about a week there, but yesterday I had cramping on my lower right side in the morning and later in the day. Eating seemed to move/change it so I knew it was digestive related. Last we ate dinner on the fly so we could meet up with friends for a bit....big mistake for both of us. Around 1am, I woke up from a dream in which I thought I had to pee...to pretty bad stomach/abdominal cramps. I thought maybe it was like sleep orgasms, where my body was just reacting to my subconscious, but getting up to pee didn't help. The pain felt kind of like my bladder was too full, with a centralized burning in the lower center of my abs. Not my normal indigestion pains. So I went downstairs to get my cell and chug some water, to see if I could get the pain to move, and if not....make the call to L&D. Upon returning to the bedroom I discovered R in the bathroom....clearly on the verge of throwing up. Luckily for him, some Pepto kept his dinner in check. Eventually my pains moved and subsided, but I lost over an hour of sleep and it still caused me some worry because it is really hard to tell what cramps I need to pay attention to. So....a big fuck you to Pat's Pizzeria, we won't be eating your food for long time!

Movement!

2011-02-02T17:08:00.000-05:00

For the past week or so I've been feeling what I thought could be movement, but couldn't say for sure until today that it wasn't just an odd case of indigestion. Particularly since baby likes to move after I eat. My first "was that a kick?" moment actually happened about 2 weeks ago, but then nothing for a while. This happened a few other times too, but it was always just one little tap so I never had a second chance to concentrate and decide what it was I was feeling. Tuesday night R and I went to Home Depot to look at paint colors and I felt some movement then, which I think must be the baby flipping around because it felt like water sloshing around in there, but no distinct kicks. Now, as I sit at my desk...I am getting little prods, pokes and taps all across my abdomen in varying patterns. It feels like they might be strong enough to feel from the outside, but sitting with my hands in my pants would probably be frowned upon. And it looks like my late afternoon performance is over anyway....18 weeks tomorrow!

17 weeks

2011-01-27T14:43:00.000-05:00

Seems like every week I sit here and say I can't believe it is already ___ weeks, but really, time seems to be moving so fast now. A few short weeks ago the days weren't passing so quickly, but I suppose being more comfortable with where I am now helps things along. It doesn't seem fair that it works that way...time drags when you are anxious, and flies by when you are not (unless, of course, you are anxious/dreading something in the future, in which, time will fly then too).

So lets see...changes to report this week. I think I'm showing a little more, but I think it is increased lack of being able to comfortably suck in what is there rather than a change in actual bump size. I definitely notice it when I hug DH, but when I sit down I just look fat. :(

Over the weekend I started have hip pains, probably from stretching ligaments...and yesterday I noticed soreness around my rib area, so maybe signs are pointing to popping soon? I guess I thought I'd be seeing a little more rapid change at this point.

And look! My first picture here in real maternity clothes. Other than sweats and pajamas, I think I may I have said I've scrapped the non-maternity stuff, minus one or two longer sweaters. A few weeks ago a friend that had her little girl in November gave me a giant tub of maternity clothes, and last weekend a neighbor brought over about 3 huge storage tubs of clothes as well. There was so much that we went through it and I picked out a few things I didn't even see the need to try on (red velvet Christmas top anyone?) and then this past Sunday I spent a few hours trying on all the stuff and starting to sort it by season. I still haven't gone through all the pants, but it gave me a great chance to get an idea of the style of pants (full panel, mid-panel, under belly) that I like best. For jeans I'm finding full panel works best, because you can fold them over for extra waistband support (all of them slide down anyway though). I tried on pants from Old Navy, Motherhood Maternity, Target, Pea in A Pod, and the most comfortable waistband and the most well made ones I found are Gap, so I think I may end up buying a few pairs to keep.

R finally decided!

2011-01-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

This morning R gave me a big hug and said he wanted to find out. I asked him if he was sure because I knew he'd really been on the fence about knowing, and he said yes, because he wanted to be able to "talk to the baby". It was so sweet.

So we are no longer undecided or going team green. Two weeks from Friday we will find out whether we are having a little girl or a little boy. As you can see, I put up a poll for fun, so I expect you all to vote! I will, of course, announce baby's sex here, but we may decide to keep it a secret from everyone IRL.

16 weeks

2011-01-21T14:43:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe in just 4 weeks I will be halfway there. Not a whole lot to report at the moment. I think I've seen the last of my regular pants though, I tried using the bella band a friend gave me earlier this week and it just wasn't comfortable anymore (worked great last week though). It just cut in too much at the bottom when I sat down and by the end of the day it made me feel all crampy. So I've spent a lot of time online looking at maternity clothes, which, as I expected/heard, are expensive as hell for something you will maybe get about 2-3 months of wear out before the seasons change. The spring/summer stuff will probably last me longer, but sweaters won't. I think I'll take one friend's suggestion of buying some cheap non-maternity tunic sweaters from somewhere like Forever 21 (which I haven't set foot in since my college clubbing days...don't judge, I'm desperate). Of course, that means I have to brave the mall, which I've been putting off for a while now.
Also, in general, maternity swimsuits are the frumpiest, ugliest things I've ever seen, and I was getting really depressed until I found this website. There are a bunch of really cute ones there, though I'm not sure how practical they all are. I'm still just looking for now....R thinks I should wait until the end of March to buy any, because I don't know how big I'll be, but if I wait too long I won't have time to return/exchange them if they don't work.

I started physical therapy for my back yesterday, and was quite pleased that they didn't think I'd need to see them on a continual basis. I have a couple stretches that I can to a few times a day, and I'll go back once a week for the next two weeks and see how things are progressing. She did tell me no more heels *cries*, so I guess I'll have to subject myself to old lady shoes until it is time for cute spring wedges/flats.

So I feel huge today...I have a feeling I'm going to carry everything out front. Here I am at 15 weeks and yesterday at 16 weeks. Please excuse the dry elbows and whatever that is behind my elbow at 15 weeks, I swear it isn't a giant creepy spider on the wall, but it freaked me the hell out while editing the pic.

In other exciting news, I realized yesterday that I am almost sleeping through the night now! So I've finally hit that break period from the thousand pee trips a day. Once we get this back pain under control I should be good to go for a while. So nice to actually feel somewhat rested.

So excited...maybe a babymoon afterall!

2011-01-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

Originally I never thought we'd bother planning a special trip before baby comes, not a big one anyway. Once all this SCH stuff happened, I figured even small trips were out the window for a while. Well, a long time friend called last night and invited us down to her family vacation castle (yes, it is a small castle) on St. Thomas in the end of April! I can't wait! It has been 3 years since we went down and I am so looking forward to visiting again.

Look at these views! (from the terrace/pool area and the sun terrace )

The nurse said as long as this SCH resolves itself there is no reason I can't fly at 28/29 weeks. I will talk to the doctor about things more specifically at our appointment in 2 weeks. So body & baby...work with me here...because mommy wants to go back!

3 day weekends are great...

2011-01-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

especially when you would have to take Monday as a sick/personal day otherwise. Nothing major, just a repeat more or less of last week. At least it held off until yesterday, because R was out of town most of the weekend, so there were only a few hours where I was dealing with it alone.

I don't like it when R is gone because I never sleep well. No real reason...I just don't. Well, our idiot dog decided to compound my trouble sleeping by barking loudly at invisible intruders in the middle of the night. So despite the fact that our alarm system was on and untriggered, I still had to get up search the house with a loaded glock for peace of mind. Just the thing you want to do when exhausted and pregnant. So after checking everything I went back to bed with the hall light on, because my irrational fear said that would allow me to see any approaching shadow before it got to the room (assuming I was awake...yeah, I know). Finally around 5am, after waking up almost every hour, I turned it off and managed to sleep until 7:30 when it was time to feed the cats.
I fully expected to wake up to problems based on the stress of the night before (I kindly left out the earlier part where something I ate decided to get major revenge) but I was fine until around 9am when I starting bleeding while trying to get the dog to cooperate long enough to get his collar on and put him outside. FYI, sciatica flares make it quite difficult to get to the bathroom quickly. It is even more pathetic when you think the bleeding has stopped and try to get in a quick shower, only to figure out you were wrong and you are now reenacting a mini version of the shower scene from Carrie. Anyway, I went back to bed for a few hours and it looked like things were getting better, but around noon I felt that same abdominal pressure I had before the last really big clot, but only had some heavier bleeding for a minute and that was basically it. It is still red but back to mostly spotting. I talked to the nurse this morning but since I just had an u/s Thursday we will wait and see (and I'm fine with that). She did say if I ever have any type of pressure in the future I should call so they can get me into to triage.
On a more fun level, I think I am starting to pop/show for real now. When I woke up yesterday there was definitely a difference from other mornings, and when I'm lying down my belly still looks like a little bump. I promise to post a pic in the next few days.

15 weeks and an u/s update

2011-01-13T15:57:00.003-05:00

I went in for a follow up u/s today just to check everything out. Despite telling him two days ago when our appointment was, R didn't tell me until a few hours prior that there was no way he could arrange his work schedule to make it. If he had told me that 2 days ago, or even yesterday afternoon I would have tried to schedule it tomorrow. I know he wanted to be there, and it really turned out to be a shame he couldn't make it, because it was much longer and more intensive than any scan I've had so far...including the NT scan.

Baby is measuring 16 weeks and the tech looked at and measured the arms, legs, head and body and then looked at the heart (all four chambers present!), pointed out the stomach, lung area, bladder, and diaphragm. She was really good at telling me what she was doing and what we were looking at. She even turned on the 4D feature a few times. Very cool, but honestly I had almost no idea what I was looking at. I did see the baby open and close its mouth several times....so adorable! Of course I kept a sharp lookout for any sign of whether it was a boy or a girl, but there was nothing that my eyes could distinguish. Here is the better of the 2 4D pictures...the baby's arms are bent up by the head and the legs are up but I can't tell what is between them, can you?

She asked if I wanted to know what her guess was, and it damn near killed me to say no. I did ask if she made a note of that anywhere in my file in case R decided he wanted to know before our anatomy scan and she not normally but she'd be happy to do that. So I have a number where we can reach her and she'll call us back.

A couple more pictures:

SCH:
Well....I can't say if it is smaller, but at least the baby is bigger than it now. It appears to have divided (i.e. sealed itself off) into two parts, but the tech wasn't absolutely sure if the area between the two was now normal uterine tissue or just heavily clotted over. Anyway, the section with the more active bleed area is the part next to the baby (before it was a giant L shape, below and along the anterior wall) and that appears sealed off from the area below baby, where the current bleeding is coming from. Just to clarify, active bleeding does not mean new blood, it just means the part that isn't clotting up. If you click on the side shot above you can see the upper section of the bleed...there is a very thin line starting at the baby's knee/leg and going across..that is the edge of the sac and the blood is above it. So the lower part is much more clotted, but I should still expect more bleeding. The tech also measured the baby's fluid level (which had been a nagging concern for me) and it looks great. So the good news is this thing isn't getting any bigger or worse, just slow to make visible improvement.

At home today...

2011-01-11T15:58:00.000-05:00

I had another small bleed last night. Nothing compared to my past ones, but enough to keep me from falling back asleep after 4am. Well, that and the awful headache I had all night. So I decided to stay home and take it easy. I called the OB when they opened and they decided to have me come in. The heartbeat sounded great at about 150 and my cervix was closed. They are going to bring me back in Thursday just to see how everything looks and if they can't tell what this hematoma will do next. It will be reassuring to see our little baby again.

We talked about my headaches but unless they really start to impair my daily life they can't do too much. They are bothersome, but not migraine level. If they get too bad, they can give me Tylenol w/ codeine. Normally I'd jump at the chance to rid myself of a headache, but obviously it is a last resort now.

Trying hard to care...

2011-01-10T15:56:00.000-05:00

about work, but I just can't. Not long term anyway, because I won't be here. I've been here for 7 years now and I'm just burned out. I used to love my job, but since returning from my honeymoon 3 years ago it has just gone downhill. We've gone through two executive directors which led to a lot of trust issues and staff turnover, and the only staff member that needs to leave is that obnoxious unprofessional bitch of a secretary (who happened to be hired while I was on said honeymoon). So while the director situation was fixed, in general the working environment just isn't the same.

I can get through my day to day stuff and even the long term deadlines that are part of set projects, but not the office wide long term decisions. I am in charge of the technology, including any purchases and tech improvements. Normally I'm faced with questioning from the less technologically advanced staff, I explain my reasoning, and we move forward with my original plan. I need to meet with our grant writer tomorrow to discuss how we should allocate our most recent grant. I've already stated 2 months ago when we submitted the proposal how it should be done, but she wants to argue about it. Thing is, I can't tell you what will be best within the next 5 years...or even the next 2, because I won't have any part in it and I have no clue how my replacement will run things. I should note that by the time all this stuff is approved, ordered and installed, I'll have maybe 3 months left because nothing is ever accomplished quickly when it comes to spending large chunks of money. I can't tell her that though, because only our current director knows of my plans to leave at the moment. I don't feel like arguing my point anymore, I'm so ready to be done and gone from here.

::bites tongue::

2011-01-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

We made our announcements on facebook today. Prior to unlocking my wall I did a little cleaning of my friends list and got rid of a couple people that had just been irritating me with their status updates for a while...and of course I made sure my one co-worker is still blocked from ever commenting on my page again (she is the one who said infertile people had lost sight of the true goal, a baby, and should remember adoption is always an option).
Anyway, one of these people was still friends with R and of course noticed immediately she was no longer my friend and sent a request. I accepted just not to cause problems. Two hot seconds later she posts on my page "what a precious Gift from God". It is all I can do not to respond back that my baby is a precious gift from science and God had nothing to do with it. Yes, I thank God my baby is still here with me today, but if I'd left things in his hands there wouldn't be one at all right now. I'm sure she meant well, but comments like that just piss me off. Her religious status updates (in addition to the endless play by plays of everything little damn thing she did throughout the day) were the reason she was unfriended in the first place. I'll give it a few weeks, then she is getting unfriended and blocked.

14 weeks!

2011-01-06T17:00:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid this won't be a very exciting post. I had my monthly OB appointment today. I'm so thankful I bought a home doppler and was able to find and take time to listen to our little baby's heartbeat at home, because that midwife barely kept that doppler on there long enough to register a reading before whisking it away. Pretty sure mine is better than theirs too because it was full of static. We went over all that has happened since my last appointment, I asked a few questions about round ligament pain, which she couldn't answer for sure, and that was it. So I walked out of there without learning anything new....except that Tyrell most definitely does not live with the woman screaming into her phone in the hallway. Klassy.

I'm still taking weekly bump pics, but even though I feel like I'm showing, there really isn't any visible difference yet between 12 weeks and 14.

***edited to add pics - just for you Papps!! :) ***

SCH:
I made through 3 days of work without any problems. I am supposed to call the doctor if anything changes but the midwife didn't seem too concerned today. Overall I am beginning to feel more comfortable with it all. I'm not like a little kid afraid to go to bed anymore, for fear of what might happen in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping. I'm not doing anything crazy like wearing light colored pants, but I even made a quick trip to the grocery store by myself today. This weekend I'm going to make R brave a dept store with me and look for maternity pants, because I'm down to 2 pairs of work pants and it is just too freaking cold for skirts or dresses.

Announcements have begun!

2011-01-03T20:43:00.000-05:00

I made it to a NYE party at my friend's house and was able to tell some of my closest friends. One of my best friends wouldn't come no matter how hard we tried to get her there, so she ended up hearing the news from her sisters and I talked to her the next day. Everyone seemed surprised, though I had been almost positive my other best friend had figured it out, but she said she hadn't (other than some speculation from everyone on if I was drinking real drinks on a trip to Atlantic City in Nov.)
I told another long time friend on Sunday, who was totally surprised, as she didn't even know we were TTC. And I made the announcement today at work. This was my first day back, so I was quite pleased when I walked in and discovered the one co-worker that I despise was out sick. Score! So I happily shared the news with the rest of the office without having to worrying about her inappropriate belly grabbing reaction. Sometime toward the end of this week we'll unlock our Facebook pages and make some type of announcement there as well.

SCH:
Still doing pretty well. I've made it through one day of work without incident. We will see what tonight brings. I don't really expect to make it through this week without some sort of problem, but I'm trying to stay optimistic. It doesn't really help that I walked back in to work to be greeted by a giant shitstorm of deadlines, which are extra frustrating to meet when you can't actually move any file boxes yourself...or even run back and forth from the printer. I've never been one to dictate my job to other people, but I guess I'll have to learn.

13 weeks!!

2010-12-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

Can I officially say I'm in the 2nd trimester yet? Not sure exactly when it starts, but I'm damn close! I am too lazy to upload a bump picture right now, but I can say that (well, before eating anything in the morning at least) I'm more bump than bloat!! Size-wise there isn't much difference yet, because the bloat/bump are shrinking/growing at an even pace, but I can feel my uterus easily now. Since I've been on modified bedrest I've been able to avoid addressing my regular wardrobe situation, but my jeans are permanently out. I don't think I'll bother with one of those belly bands things....just move on to maternity pants of some sort. R bought me some kind of waistband expander on amazon for Christmas, but there is no way they will work.

He also bought my a Boppy pillow and the baby bedding I wanted!! I found this back when I was about 8 weeks. I showed him but he didn't seem too interested and I figured I'd just have to file it away in an ideas folder and wait until I was far enough along to make a registry. Well, he was paying a lot more attention than I thought! I absolutely love it!

Bananafish Bailey bedding set. The includes the sheets, blanket, bumper and bedskirt.

And while we are on the nursery topic. Here is the crib I am in love with.

Munire Bristol Collection. We really haven't even begun to actually look at cribs, but I found this at the same time I was looking at bedding so I saved it. So beautiful! R is starting to get into the nursery ideas stuff now too. He was talking about adding crown molding to the baby's room, and possibly a chair rail depending on how we want to paint things. I know we will go with pale blue and use flat and satin paint to create a striped look, but I don't know if we want that floor to ceiling or just half with a solid base. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but it is fun to think about.

We are also getting very close to be fully "out". Immediate families know, so do a few of R's close friends and select co-workers at both our jobs. I plan on announcing to all my friends tomorrow night at a New Year's Eve party. I hope everyone is planning to come...otherwise that will kind of crimp my plans but I think I'll go forward with the announcement anyway. We'll probably make a few calls to extended family over the weekend and let it spread by word of mouth to cousins and such. I was originally planning to tell my office at our staff meeting next friday and then open up our facebook pages around 14 weeks (they are locked now just in case) but with this SCH bedrest issue, I will probably have to arrange a few special meetings in the beginning of the week, which leads me to my next topic.

SCH update:

Since this obviously isn't going anywhere anytime soon, I'm just going to give it its own update section at the end of posts. It is easier that way and all my normal updates don't sound like such downer posts with it separated out.

I've been holding steady so far this week, though I'm just waiting for that next big bleed. I know it has to be in there somewhere. Instead, I've been getting little changes in flow, just enough to freak me out too much to be comfortable leaving the house for very long, not to mention still being stuck with these giant pads.

I've talked with 2 of the nurses at my OBs office about follow up for this thing. My OB is going to review the NT scans and look at the size of the hematoma, but the nurse today said it shifted to be 66mm X 54mm, so more square than the 69x34 it was before. She said it is large, but she has seen bigger that ended in full term births, so the concern level is not increasing any more than before. Chances are though, that I will not be returning to work full time next week either. I'm hoping I can at least put in some half days, because I work for a small non-profit and I am not planning on returning after the baby is born, so I'm not sure how far our Board of Directors is going to want to extend sick day policies for someone who won't even be putting in 6 more months of work. One more week will use up my remaining sick days, leaving me with 8 vacation days between now and July 1. So much for taking those last 4 weeks before baby arrives as paid time off.

So my next u/s with the RE is tomorrow and I will get my updated bedrest instructions, check those with my OB, and go from there.

NT scan

2010-12-27T14:11:00.000-05:00

As well as could be expected anyway. The tech was actually completely confused and thought she was looking at twins in different sacs (impossible with single embryo transfer) at first, but I'll get to that in a minute.

The baby looked great and was cooperative and relatively quiet for the first time ever. Perhaps because my poor bladder was taking up too much room. I was a little concerned at first, but we got a few wiggles and kicks by the end of the scan and the tech said the activity level was totally normal. We had our genetic counseling session beforehand, which was a little daunting, but our risk numbers went from 1/645 for DS and 1/1152 for Trisomy 13/18 before screening, to less than 1 in 10,000 after so we are thrilled with that result. Here is the baby:

For several reasons that weren't new info today, one being an IVF w/ ICSI baby, I will need a Level II scan at about 18weeks and a fetal echocardiogram at about 22weeks.

So onto the "two sac" situation. Here is a picture from last tuesday, about 8 hours after my last major bleed. You can sort of see how one might think there were two in there.

Normally they don't give me these pictures, but the nurse printed a ton by accident so I had the whole strip...another picture that I can't find at the moment had the measurements from different angle. The SCH is 69mm by 34mm, the baby measured 59mm (CRL, not amniotic sac). So the SCH is still very large and some part of it is probably still active...the black area is either fluid or blood. It didn't look much different today, so I can only guess that means it is not going to resolve itself without another round of bleeding or more first. I see my RE one more time on Friday, so hopefully I can ask more questions then.

12 weeks!!

2010-12-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

Even just 6 weeks ago I barely dared to hope I'd make it this far. So much can happen in that time. So much has happened. But here we are! Wave!

This is the picture we put in frames and wrapped to give R's sisters tomorrow night. Obviously it is a baby, but I hope they can tell it is the head and a little arm.

And since I haven't posted any "bump" pictures since there hasn't been much change...here are the last 3 weeks. I lost a bit of the bloat last week, but seemed to have gained it back for today. There is a tiny bit of real bump in there though.

jinxed myself...here we go again.

2010-12-21T10:54:00.000-05:00

Last night I had several little bleeds, then woke up around 1am feeling pretty awful. I had abdominal pains that were partially gas but also something else. I tried sleeping in different positions, but finally I felt a centralized burning pressure and I could feel the next bleed starting. This time I passed another very large clot, about the same size as the very first one. I woke up R and called the on call doctor at my OB to see what she recommended doing. I still felt pretty uncomfortable, but there was no obvious cramping and the bleeding didn't seem to be getting any worse than light flow so we decided I should lay back down with my feet up and try to wait it out until morning. Meanwhile, I'd also had a bad headache for the better part of the previous 12 hours, so sleep was alluding me on all levels. Over an hour later, the doctor finally called me back and agreed with our decision to wait until morning. I was not nearly as freaked out as the first time, the ER doc. had said there was another large clot in there...he just thought it was unlikely I'd pass it.

So I did get some sleep and called my RE first thing in the morning. We went in around 9 and the baby still looks great. The hematoma looked like a gigantic mess to me but the nurse assured me it hadn't gotten any worse and it was mostly clotted over, which is good news. I still have a ways to go though, and I will probably continue to have bleeding for the next few weeks so I am still on bedrest somewhat. I still have a lot of abdominal pressure, but some, if not most of that is because my uterus has started to flip up out of my pelvis, so I should be starting a real bump sometime soon.

Hanging in there.

2010-12-20T18:07:00.000-05:00

It has been almost a week since I've had any majorly concerning bleeds *knocks on wood*. I still don't feel particularly great, but when you spend the majority of your day on the couch or napping, I'd expect some discomfort to be normal. My morning sickness seems to have ended...I haven't taken anything for it since last Tuesday. Of course, no symptoms gives me reason to worry as well, but I've been playing with my home doppler and I've found the placenta quite easily (makes a sound like wind through the trees or the "sea" when listening to a seashell) and today it picked up something that registered at 145 so even though I couldn't really distinguish it from my HB mixed in with the placental noise, something else there. My HB picks up around 120-130 and then drops steadily on the doppler to the 80s, this one went up so I know it wasn't mine. Only 2 more days until my next u/s.

and another one

2010-12-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

This blog is getting rather redundant, but such is my life right now. My body did switch things up a little bit though, and sprung this one on me at 3am while I was sleeping. Good thing I was prepared with my giant incontinence pads (yes, seriously). This bleed was lighter than the 2nd one, so hopefully this will be a continuing trend. It barely lasted long enough to be considered more than medium flow, so the sleep loss was more out of fear of what might come than what had passed. That, and I'm not sure if it is mild cramping or nerves, but I get abdominal discomfort when these bleeds happen, but higher than where my uterus is sitting. I haven't bothered to call the doctor about this one (though I'm still waiting for someone at my OB to get back to me) because it is mostly spotting again. The primary nagging thought in the back of my mind is that somehow some of this might be leaking from around the baby, but I know there is nothing that can be done if that is the case, so I'm trying not to think about that.

11 weeks

2010-12-16T16:28:00.000-05:00

Thursdays are the days I look forward to the most recently, because they are the days I reach a new week and I am that much closer to hopefully feeling more secure. On Thursdays I can log in to my pregnancy forums and get to see that welcome message say something new again.

It is the little things that matter sometimes. Today I'm feeling a little better. I have to wonder how much of what I feel is normal pregnancy aches and changes and how much is related to the extra bleeding in my uterus. I have noticed that I have to be much more careful when I roll over at night...making sure I turn everything together so I don't get stretching pains in my abdomen. I'm still down 3lbs since the SCH started, but you can see the bloat. Other than my one pair of loose work pants, I have yet to put on anything that has much of a waistband. I am guessing my days of regular jeans are over.

another bleed and home on bedrest.

2010-12-15T12:50:00.000-05:00

Last night as I got up from my desk at work I felt another small gush. Luckily it was much slower than Saturday's and I had time to gather the rest of my stuff and head to the bathroom (remember my car is still in the shop, and so is my office key, so I didn't want to risk being locked out without my things). I passed another small clot, about the size the ER doctor said I'd pass. I wasn't panicked, more inconvenienced and worried that it would get worse, so I tried calling my OB's afterhours line. What a clusterfuck. I had to push option #2 at least 4 times until it actually put me through to the physician on call, who of course wasn't available and then it started asking for a 10 digit code. WTF. Thank god for my RE's office, who has a real person answering the phone at all times, and the regular nurses there until 6. I spoke to a nurse and she offered to wait for us and do a scan. I love those guys so much...I know they stayed late just for me. Baby stills look good and super active. I had another slightly larger gush as I got out of the car at the doctors. So glad I made DH swipe a few of the diaper sized pads from the ER, because my pants and my winter coat would have been done in without one.

Anyway, the bleed area had changed shape since Monday, and most of the active bleed was shifting directly toward my cervix, so the nurse decided that I should stay home from work until next week's appointment, in hopes that we can get this thing healed over and on its way to reabsorption. They didn't seem any more concerned than before and I am doing okay today. Last night was rough though. I passed two more small clots and generally felt like crap. I always swore that I'd never say I didn't like being pregnant, but I definitely hit a low point last night as I tried to fall asleep. I never expected easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard emotionally and physically this early. I think the tipping point is that I don't have a timeframe or point to work toward that is in the near future. 2nd tri won't necessarily change any of this, and that is no fun at all, but at least I'll be that much closer to having an outside baby.

baby still looks good

2010-12-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

I called my RE this morning with long list of questions, and they offered to just have me come in so they could take a look at things. The baby looked great, we were able to a good strong kick, a profile shot with a little nose, and the spine before it returned to it's bouncing and flip routine. The heartbeat is back up to 178, but the nurse said that was normal and I think their equipment was acting up as well.

She said the bleed from the SCH was substantial, but the good news was that it was over my cervix and away from the placenta. I could see it as soon as she inserted the wand...a long semi-circle of black. One tiny bit of the placenta is lifted up, but it is nothing to be concerned about. I will mostly likely have continued bleeding for a while though, and there is one rather large clot in there that she said I probably will not pass. This week was supposed to be our last week with them, but they agreed to do an u/s next week as well, so between that, the NT scan on 27th, and my next OB appt on the 5th....I should be covered until 14 weeks, hopefully plenty of time to start breathing normally again.

Huge scare last night.

2010-12-12T10:42:00.000-05:00

***TMI and graphic warning for those that are squeamish***

Last night as I was watching TV, I felt a warm gush, hurried to the bathroom and passed a clot almost half the size of my fist. There was no pain or warning whatsoever. Horrified, I stared at it, trying to decide if it could be the baby and if it was possible to have a complete miscarriage that fast with no cramps. I went and got a baggie from the kitchen, but I couldn't bring myself to find out for sure what it was, exactly, I had passed. R was running an errand and I knew he could be as far as 45 minutes away and my car broke on Wednesday (not that I was in any shape to drive myself). I decided it would be better to secure a ride to the ER from someone who was closer before panicking him. I called my mother (no answer) and R's parents and told them what was going on. It turned out R was much closer to home than I thought, so he was able to take me.

At this point there didn't seem to be more blood or fluid, so I had put a pad on an laid on the couch until R came home. When he came in I informed him of the clot and he retrieved it. I do not know, nor did I ask, if he even looked at it. At that point I didn't want to know...it was better to cling to hope. We headed to the ER, I managed to walk in while he parked the car, and felt another huge gush before I could even make it to the counter. I cut in front of the people waiting as politely as I could and informed the nurse I was 10 weeks and bleeding a lot. They took me and the towel I was carrying and sat me in a wheelchair in a hallway and got my vitals. Turns out, I should have gone to labor and delivery, but all we could think of was emergency = ER. So finally after 20 minutes of nurses trying to get an escort to wheel me the one mile of hallways to L&D, I had to ask when I was getting moved and one of them took me. Luckily, my bleeding seemed to subside as long as I was sitting.

We got to L&D and by this time I was starting to feel abdominal cramps, but they felt like intestinal pains so I wasn't sure what to think. Honestly, I wasn't thinking much at all. I had gone numb shortly after it all started, though my blood pressure was 138 (normally 110). I talked to one of the REs on the phone and he said it was very unusual for someone at my stage in pregnancy to have a miscarriage this quickly when we'd seen a healthy baby twice this past week.

They finally got us in a room and I changed into a gown, passed some more tissue, though this was clearly just blood, and waited for the doctor. About an hour after we initially arrived in the ER, the doctor came in and started the exam. I held R's hand and stared at the ceiling, so sure it was over. I looked at the doctor's face, trying to read some typed of emotion, but he was a pro. He said he needed to take some measurements, but he wanted to show us what he was looking at, and he turned the screen to show us a large blob. I asked "Is that my baby?" and said "thank you god" and started to cry when he said yes. I asked about the heartbeat just as he said "right here". It was beating away at 161. I looked up at R and had tears running down his face as well.

Our diagnosis - subchorionic hematoma. The majority of it was what I had passed first, but he said there was still another small clot, about an inch and a half in size, remaining and that I may or may not pass it, but that I should expect bleeding for the next few days. Today it does seem a bit lighter, I did not sleep well at all. I was terrified to get up and go to the bathroom during the night for fear of another huge gush, but I did, and other than what seemed like some medium menstrual flow level blood, there were no more incidents. Today I am taking it easy and I will probably take off work tomorrow just to give it an extra day to heal and give me time to speak to my doctors again. I'm hoping they will extend my monitoring period, because I think this week was my final week with the RE.

We are remaining positive, but this certainly knocked me down a few rungs. What little security I had is gone and it will take a while to build it back up, but for right now we are ok.

10 weeks

2010-12-10T11:07:00.000-05:00

I've made it to double digits!! Even this far it sometimes doesn't seem real. I'm so grateful to have made it a quarter of the way through. Part of me worries that I'm spending too much time looking ahead to the next week, praying I'll make it, rather than enjoying the present. I'm hoping once I hit 2nd tri I'll really be able to relax. I don't want this whole pregnancy to pass me by and realize I just wished the time away and rushed through it. It sometimes feels like a race, and if I slow down, stop, or heaven forbid, fall....I will get left in the dust and never make it back on my feet. I'm trying to focus on more personal happy points in our pregnancy, rather than just medical milestones...so week 12 is when we will be telling R's family, and the start of 2nd tri is when we will be telling all my friends (hopefully they will all make it to the New Year's Eve party).

We had our first monthly appt. with my OB. As much as infertility sucks, I am spoiled rotten with my RE's ultrasounds. The OB brought in a little portable one and did an abdominal scan....I could hardly see the baby! It didn't help that the little guy was bouncing all over the place and trying to escape the wand, but I can't imagine my only picture being this blurry indistinguishable blob. I'm guessing if I had been a regular patient they would of had a better machine, but maybe not. I also was able to find the heartbeat on our home doppler last night. I feel a little guilty because R wasn't there, but I didn't think I'd have success either. It was very cool to hear.

Saw the baby move!!

2010-12-07T18:47:00.000-05:00

We had an absolutely wonderful u/s today. At first we could just see the arms and legs, but then the baby started wiggling around! I can't even put into words how amazing it was to watch. I could have stayed there all day. And we could see little hands!! So adorable. I flipped this pic so you can look at the baby rightside up instead of sideways. You can see the head, then little hands, part of the body, and then the legs/feet.

9 week u/s

2010-12-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

Here is the photo from 9 weeks. I put little lines pointing to the arms, but the nurse really didn't make much of an effort to get a good shot. I go back in tomorrow for the next u/s with my RE, and then again on Friday with my OB, so hopefully we'll get some better pics soon.

9 weeks

2010-12-03T13:47:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe I've made it this far already. Our u/s yesterday went well, but we had the same nurse as last week so none of the warm fuzzies we get from other nurses. The heart rate is up to 181 now and it should drop and level off within the next few weeks. During the scan we could see where the arms and legs were, but unluckily the pictures we got don't show it too well (I'll upload it later, waiting for R to scan it).

I finally gave in and bought B-natal vitamins/pops for the nausea. I've been taking one in the morning and at night and I think they are helping a little. Last night I still couldn't bring myself to eat anything for dinner, so chocolate milk it was. I also had my first migraine since being pregnant, so I spent the majority of the day home in bed since the only thing I was told I could take was extra strength Tylenol. Since I knew that wouldn't even touch the pain I didn't even bother.

I did break down and take my first "bump" picture yesterday. Obviously there is nothing showing yet, but I figured 9 weeks would be a good place to start so I can see the changes when they do happen. Amazingly enough, I was able to get a picture that didn't make me look too much like a bloated whale.

8 weeks

2010-11-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

A few days late posting u/s pics, but I've been exhausted, and holidays don't help. Thanksgiving went fine. We managed to keep any suspicions to a minimum at the in laws by drinking non-alcoholic wine decanted into a real wine bottle. Not very good...tasted like sour apple juice, but it did the trick. Of course, not knowing I was pregnant, MIL happily puffed away on 3 cigarettes in the 3.5 hours we were there...one of which she smoked within 10 feet of SIL's sleeping 4 month old. WTF at all them. That shit will not fly when it is my baby, I don't care if it is her house.

Before heading to the in laws, we spent some time with my family and I was able to tell my sister, which was awesome. She was the first person we told that was completely surprised, so she jumped and gave me giant hug.

By 6pm I was done and nausea was threatening to turn worse. I still have not been sick, but I've had a few close calls, usually triggered by smell. After coming home to feed the pets and do my PIO shot, we headed back out to say hello to R's best friend and his wife since they were visiting family from out of town. On the drive there I had my first round of serious nausea that came from no where. I made it through the evening without any disasters though.

On Wednesday we had our 8 week u/s and the baby looks great but the appointment was nothing fabulous. We had the nurse that I've previously referred to as dead fish nurse, because she has no personality at all. Oddly enough, she was the nicest she's ever been, but when she left, R said he didn't like her, so I filled him in on my nickname for her. Tuesday night I had a little light spotting that I'd attributed to a "sleep-gasm" as I've heard them called, the night before. Everything looked good during the scan, with the heartbeat up to 169, so hopefully I won't have any more issues like that.

filling out paperwork

2010-11-22T09:08:00.000-05:00

The amount of redundancy in the medical industry is just mind blowing, but I suppose it is better to be safe than sorry, and yes, obviously some things have changed since I filled out all this paperwork for my OB as a regular patient last year.

I called Friday to let my OB's office know I was pregnant and that I would be released from my RE in December. You would have thought I told them I was due tomorrow. She set me up for an appointment today, had me call the RE to fax all my records over, and directed to the large amount of forms available for download on the website.

As I was filling out the paperwork, there were a few things I needed from R, such as his current job title (his are about as accurate as mine, so I rarely remember them). I told him the form asked for the father's occupation.

R: who? my father?
Me: no hon, you're the father now.

This is clearly still sinking in. :)

7 week u/s

2010-11-19T10:49:00.001-05:00

It went great! I had been worried because everything I've read says the heartbeat should be between 90-120 at 6 weeks, so we were on the low end at 89. Today it was up to 138!! It was amazing to see how much growth there was is just one week. You still can't see a whole lot (the round blob at the upper end is the yolk sac), and naturally the scanner at work is total crap so all I've got right now is a hurried picture taken at my desk before anyone noticed. I will replace this with a better scan tonight.

Our baby is up to 1cm. The nurse said the head of the baby is up next to the yolk sac and that tiny little thing sticking out at the bottom is a leg bud starting to form! All in all it was a great appointment and I feel like I can really relax now...at least for a few days. Our next u/s will be next Wednesday.

On to other things. I still haven't had many symptoms. My back has been bothering me the past few days. I've always had issues with back pain...hopefully this won't get too bad. I really don't want to have to go back to acupuncture. Morning sickness has been threatening to appear. I drove to my appointment with a plastic bag in my lap today. Apparently eggs for breakfast and then getting right in the car aren't a good combo right now. My PIO shots started really hurting earlier this week, so last night I did it myself in an area we don't use as much and it was fine, so we are going to have to be more careful to vary injection sites.

operation "fake drink" succeeded.

2010-11-16T09:16:00.000-05:00

At least we think it did. This past weekend we went out with all my close friends to celebrate 2 30th birthdays. We went up to Atlantic City to go out to dinner and wander around the casinos. Luckily we got to the restaurant before they were able to seat us, so during that time R was able to order me two cranberry and clubs with lime, the second of which I nursed through dinner. I was asked once or twice what I was drinking and responded with cranberry and vodka, one of my usuals. R apparently got a few "hows the baby-making going?" questions during dinner at the guys end of the table, but he was able to answer vaguely enough to not arouse any suspicions.

I will say that I did not think the casino idea through very much. Even not pregnant I wouldn't have wanted to be in that smoky mess, but I didn't really have much choice at that point so I just did my best to find the clearest air. At least a migraine became a super legitimate reason that I didn't drink anything there.

So, either all my friends have figured it out, but know we don't want them to know, so they are being really good at pretending they don't...or we did a really great job of fooling them. The next test is this Saturday with all the same people at a friend's house. This should be a little trickier, because I'm usually playing bartender and whipping up all the awesome drinks.

A better u/s pic

2010-11-12T11:17:00.000-05:00

This one is a little better. The nurse also told us that because I have a tilted uterus and the baby is still so small, it is further away from the u/s wand and my u/s will be more grainy than usual. The upper picture is what we saw when she measured the heart rate.

We have a heartbeat!!

2010-11-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 6 week u/s and it was what I hoped for. As soon as the nurse started the scan, this tiny little blob popped up and started flashing away. It was the most beautiful sight and I fully admit to getting all teary eyed. I'm still waiting on R to use his home office scanner on the actual u/s printout, but here is a lesser quality pic I took with my camera.

The heart was beating at 89bpm, which the nurse said was great for this early, and I'm measuring 6weeks 1 day, so a day ahead! I feel like I can finally relax for a bit. After the appointment I went and bought 2 pregnancy books. Not sure how much I can get out of them at this point. One has suggested exercises for each week, which I can't do because I'm still on limited activity and pelvic rest. I think the most useful parts at this point are the developmental descriptions. Right now eyelids are starting to form and the hand plates are beginning to form.

Told my parents!

2010-11-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

Finally. We had wanted to wait until we knew things were at least off to a good start. I had been hoping to have them over for dinner this past weekend, but they were busy, I got a terrible cold, and R was called in to work ridiculous hours. So we ended up just stopping by their house last night. No fancy announcement, but it didn't matter, they were both thrilled. My Dad even joked that he sees triplets in our future. Um, no.

Two more days until our next ultrasound and I'm trying not to be nervous, but I really hope we see a heartbeat. Yesterday I started have more frequent cramping. Not sure if it was because I was coughing, blowing my nose, and sneezing all weekend or what, but its something new. They don't feel like AF cramps, but then its been so long since I had a normal AF I don't remember what the regular cramps feel like, just the really bad ones, and these are nothing like those. They feel like the mild cramps I had after my last Hysteroscopy, and also like the cramps I had Friday night and Saturday morning after the transfer, which I think were implantation cramps. So hopefully that means everything is burying in further, and not detaching.

I think I also had my first experience with round ligament pain (RLP) last night. I woke up and attempted to roll from my back to my side, which resulted in a stabbing/searing pain a few inches to the left of my belly button. It took at least 5 seconds to subside, but it was too high to be related to the cyst on my ovary. I am hoping this is a good sign too.

F cancer.

2010-11-07T10:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found out a friend lost her battle with stomach cancer on Friday night. She was an e-friend that I'd met once in the 4 years I've known her, but her impact on those who knew her was great. She had a smile that could light up a whole room. Her stories....they would leave everyone laughing and retelling them for weeks, even months later. She exuded class and beauty and had a truly warm heart. She was a wonderful wife and would have made an amazing mother. The stars shine a little bit brighter tonight because she is among them. She will be greatly missed.

5 week u/s

2010-11-05T09:09:00.000-04:00

I have to be honest, while we were thrilled to see something, it was not the teary joy-filled moment I'd somehow built it up to be. At first you couldn't see anything at all, so the nurse had to adjust the u/s wand a number of times and push at all kinds of uncomfortable angles to find the sac, but at least that means it is well buried in my lining. I had really hoped to see the yolk sac, but no such luck. The nurse said at exactly 5 weeks what we did see (the gestational sac) was what she would expect. Next week we should be able to see the heartbeat, which is the next big milestone we are holding our breaths for.

Here is the beautiful little gestational sac.

She also checked my ovaries. My right one looks great, with a couple small cysts from where they drained the follicles. My left one, however, has a huge cyst at 24mm, which the nurse made seem as though it was expected, but it means I'm still on limited activity and no sex. She said it should shrink by about 8 weeks or so.

beta #3

2010-11-03T15:44:00.000-04:00

I wasn't nervous at all when I had my blood drawn, so I didn't plan on waiting in the office for the results. One of the nurses that has done a lot of my monitoring saw me and said congratulations, and said she'd call me as soon as the results were in. Apparently she must have forgotten this though, because I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm and was seriously starting to worry myself sick, so I called and was told another nurse was just sitting down to review the day's lab results and I should get a call soon. 1.5 hours later I finally got my results...2742 or something really close to that. She gave me a minor heart attack by accidently reading monday's results instead so I wasn't completely focused when she gave me the right number. Our first ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon.

We have doubling!

2010-11-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

I went in as early as possible this morning and I asked if I could wait for the results. I was told it would be about an hour, which was fine, so I settled in with a magazine. About an hour later, done with the magazine, I still had no results and also nothing left to occupy myself (Time and Sports Illustrated just wasn't going to cut it) so I resorted to staring at the walls, floor and fiddling with my phone...trying not to get to nervous. The wait for beta #1 is hard enough, but waiting for the second results is pure torture. You already know you are pregnant, but is it still going up? is it over already? will you be left with inconclusive results? The longer I sat there the worse it got. And of course, while I waited, some twat with 3 kids comes in, drags them and her husband back to her appt., and loudly mentions to the receptionist on her way out that she is 8 weeks pregnant. WTF? If you can't find/afford a babysitter now, you shouldn't be having more. I don't care if you think it is a family event, an 8 week u/s is no place for siblings to be, and sure as hell not in an infertility clinic. Dumbass.

Anyway, after about an hour and a half the nurse called me back (well, not really, she just took me around a corner and gave me the news in the hallway...since it was good). My beta is now 1031.6...that is a 232.56% increase from Friday and the nurse said they look for a 60% increase! I go back for beta 3 on Wednesday and my first ultrasound should be Thursday or Friday. I can't wait!!

beta #1

2010-10-29T11:53:00.000-04:00

Is 310!!! Holy shit, that is more than twice what I was hoping for. According to beta base, 137 is the average HCG level for 15dpo. Now I realize my levels are probably a little higher because fertilization occurred the day I'm counting as O day, but not that much higher. I am so happy that it is that high! I go back in on Monday. Fingers crossed for doubling!!

2010-10-28T09:08:00.001-04:00

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT.

And so they are:

Actually, this test is from yesterday. As you can see by all the posts that just magically appeared, I've been getting positives since Monday. I just wanted to be sure it was real before going public.

And to celebrate, I carved a pumpkin in honor of my BFP. I plan on telling my parents by showing them this picture, I'm not sure they'll get it right away, but I think it is a cute idea.

8dpt

2010-10-27T13:18:00.001-04:00

8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops.

I took another FRER this morning and I was pleased to see it was darker than Monday's FRER. The cheapies sort of look like they are getting darker, but it is hard to tell because...well, they're cheap.

I saw my accupuncturist today. I told her about the positive tests and her response was "well, be careful...it could still be just chemical at this point". WTF lady? My first one was chemical and you knew that, you don't think I don't realize that? First the RE receptionist and now her. I'm trying to stay positive here. Why is it that everyone acts like it is not real???

7dpt

2010-10-26T09:46:00.001-04:00

7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops

It has been less than 24 hrs and its already killing me trying to keep this a secret. Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops, the other half is terrified that the stupid nurse might be right. I called this morning to see if I could move my beta, and she said friday was the earliest they'd do it "because the medication could still be in your system". I tested out the trigger, yes, I used the cheapies but it was blank on transfer day and I've had almost non-visible evap lines since then. I don't think the level of trigger shot can vary day to day. Today is 14 days past the trigger shot, I am almost positive this is real, but that little seed of doubt is keeping me from officially announcing. I'm hoping I can hold it in until Thursday..that is when my little timeline says HCG is high enough to be detected on an HPT, and I know you all will want answers once I post that.

sooo....

2010-10-25T18:25:00.001-04:00

This is a secret post for now. But after a very long emotional day, I tested again when I got home. You know, just to see. The first cheapie had a faiint 2nd line come in within time window but it wasn't dark enough to be sure, I've had evaps/false alarms that dark. So I used a second cheapie...also a second line. I still was not convinced enough to break out the FRER, but there was no way I was going to be able to wait and see tomorrow morning, so I used my last clearblue test. At first it looked liked all the others, nothing but that stupid blue evap line...but after a few seconds it looked a little darker. After a minute or so it was definately darker than an evap line. So I used the FRER. I got a faint second line. All that freaking out was for nothing. I even got a positive digital.

The line on the FRER is hard to see but it is there. I wish I could say I felt the same excitement as the first time I saw the word pregnant pop up on a digital, instead it was more of a satisfied feeling if that makes any sense. We've made it this far, now on to the next hurdles.

6dpt

2010-10-25T10:15:00.000-04:00

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

All the stress and worry that I managed to not have too much of during this cycle has finally caught up with me. I actually cried at work this morning. Last week I added/changed some stuff on our website and it took me all freaking morning because people kept changing their minds about what should/shouldn't be on the main page. So when boss came to me and said I had to change it again, the frustration was just too much and I ended up in tears. I've been testing with crappy internet cheapies and other than an evap line or two, they have been negative. So I was feeling depressed before I even left for work, and R said I need to stop reading the support boards because it doesn't help. I told they do help, and then as I walked downstairs as said "you don't help". Which, in the 2ww, is true. He is wonderfully supportive at all other times, but for some reason he thinks I should have undying faith that everything is fine during each 2ww. I try, but it usually only lasts until about 11dpo, when I start being realistic instead. He came downstairs and we talked a bit before work, and he said I shouldn't get so worked up and that we still have a week until our beta and me stressing isn't going to help. Of course I know that, but it doesn't make it much easier.

5dpt

2010-10-24T09:23:00.000-04:00

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

I don't really feel any different at all. I've had some random cramping, but nothing I wouldn't normally have. I suppose I shouldn't feel anything until we've reached the point where the embryo starts producing HCG, but I can't help beginning to lose a little hope. Of course I made the mistake of lurking on one of the success after infertility boards, and there are women on there that got their BFP as early as 4dpt. I realize that is not the norm, but my embryo was already hatching, shouldn't mine be ahead of the curve too?

3dpt

2010-10-22T11:24:00.001-04:00

3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

So I haven't been sleeping so great, and I have a feeling it will just get worse. I was unsure whether I should blog this, because it might be a bit TMI, but at the same time it is also funny, so I'm going for it. After our transfer we were handed an instruction sheet with directions for bedrest. The final two lines read:

No sexual intercourse and NOTHING in the vagina. This also means NO ORGASM.

Now, when you are staring at a ceiling for 45 minutes, holding this paper with nothing else to do, the word vagina alone becomes hilarious enough. The fact that the paper is telling me what I can and cannot put in my vagina is even funnier. My bladder was not happy.

Anyway, I didn't think a whole lot about the instructions as they were pretty easy to follow. Well, I forgot what happens when my body is amped up on hormones (self-made or injected/taken). I should add here that I often wake up in the middle of a dream, then go back to sleep and continue with the same dream. Wednesday night I woke up in the middle of a sex dream, started to fall back asleep, jolted myself awake and though "oh, shit! I can't have this dream!" Yeah...never occurred to me that I might break the rules while sleeping. Last night I managed to have dreams (nightmares?) about having sex dreams. That was even more confusing...waking up from a dream while still dreaming. And of course I dreamed that I couldn't wake up, woke up spotting and lost the embryo. WTF

We have snowbabies!!!

2010-10-21T12:50:00.000-04:00

The embryologist called right before lunch and told me we had 7 make it to freeze!! I am so thrilled. All along R and I told ourselves that we'd be really happy if we had 7 left....and we do! They froze 2 on the day of transfer, 2 yesterday, and 3 today. It is a huge relief knowing that if our little embie doesn't take, I don't have to go through a whole new cycle anytime soon.

2 days past transfer (dpt).

2010-10-21T10:12:00.001-04:00

This is a timeline for what happens during/after a 3 day and a 5 day transfer.

this is what happens in a 3dt :
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5 day transfer:
- 1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So today hopefully my little blast is attaching to my lining. Some time latter today I should find out if we had any embryos make it to freeze. Fingers crossed!

full transfer story

2010-10-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

So here is the longer version of yesterday. I woke up early in anticipation of our final fertility report. The first time they called at 8:30 and the second time was around 9:30 so I expected the call to be somewhere in there. They still hadn't called by the time I left for my acupuncturist appointment at 10. If you've seen He's Not That Into You and remember the scene where she is constantly looking at her phone even though it hasn't rung....yeah, that was me.
I finally texted a friend I'd met through on of the message boards that had cycled at our clinic in March, because I was starting to freak out that something was wrong. She reassured me that she didn't get her report until she went into the office for transfer, so I felt a little better. At 11am I decided to call anyway, because I really wanted to know what we were working with before I was on the table deciding 1 vs. 2 embryos.   I talked to a lab tech and she wasn't able to tell me much of anything, only that they'd selected a few for possible transfer and were still watching others. She couldn't even give me a total count of surviving embryos.   So I this point I go into complete meltdown mode, on the drive home from my acupuncturist mind you. It wasn't so much just the lack of embryo detail, but I think it was the breaking point for me for everything. I'd done so well up to this point and I was terrified of it all going to hell. I spent the entire 30 minute drive crying/fighting tears. I kept telling myself to toughen up and stop because if R saw me all red eyed when I walked in he'd think they all arrested on us. Luckily he was upstairs working and I had time to re-check my paperwork, which said they'd give the final report prior to transfer, rather than specifying the morning of transfer like I had thought. Lesson learned, re-read before freaking out.

So the transfer itself went fairly easily.   I forgot to factor in lunch still sitting in my stomach when I timed my water drinking, so it hadn't quite made it all the to my bladder when they first checked me and we had to wait an extra 10 minutes or so.   They took me back to the same creepy room they used for the retrieval, but at least this time R was with me and there was no unnerving asshat of an anesthesiologist bumbling around.

One of the other four REs did the transfer. He came in and spoke with us briefly about our embryos and reiterated that it is the clinic's policy to only transfer one embryo.   I asked if the quality of the recommended embryo was high to give us good success rates with a single transfer...his response was that he gives all couples a 50/50 chance no matter what....gee, thanks.   I should have straight up asked him what grade it was, but since I didn't know enough about grading to help us with our decision right then we just went with his advice.

The transfer itself didn't take too long. We were able to see the blob of fluid our embryo was get injected into my uterus. Then they moved me over to a gurney and rolled me back to the recovery area, where I had to stay, lying down, for 45 minutes....with a full bladder. The nurse said if I couldn't make it, to send R to the nurses station and they'd help me use a bedpan. There was no way I was going to let that happen, so I managed to hold it, while trying not to laugh at R or anything else. Very difficult when you have nothing to do but stare at a ceiling.   Once my time was up I got dressed and booked it down the hallway to the main bathroom, which was thankfully empty. There was a bathroom right next to recovery, but it was primarily the collection room, complete with magazines and a TV. This of course, was the butt of many of R's jokes as I waited to get up, since we'd never seen/used it, which, needless to say, was not something I planned on doing then.

embryo transfer is complete!

2010-10-19T16:29:00.000-04:00

I will post a longer version tomorrow, or just edit this post, because today was not without stress, but I am too tired now. We transferred one embryo. I do not know the grade, but was told it was a high enough quality that our chances were good with just one.

Our embryo:

There was one more good blast that will probably be frozen today and another 8-9 they are still watching.

Day 3 fertility report.

2010-10-17T10:09:00.000-04:00

This morning I actually woke up from a nightmare crying. I had a dream that the embryologist called and said only 5 embryos were still alive and they were all 1 cell and none would make it to day 5. It took me a minute or two to wake up and realize it wasn't real, but naturally I couldn't get back to sleep knowing that the real call would be coming in a few hours.

So the real report was much better than we expected. All 17 all still dividing and are in various stages. I didn't ask for exact numbers, for once I'm okay without all the facts, one less thing to worry about. My paperwork says they should be between 4 and 8 cells by now. R asked if it was unusual for all of them to still be alive and I told him I have no idea (anyone know?). It's not exactly something I'd ask on one of the support boards, where many would love to have a report like that, no questions asked.

I also talked to one of the REs. Ever since the ER, I've more or less been feeling like crap. No fever and no weight gain (a miracle I haven't figured out yet) so I didn't think it was OHSS, but something clearly wasn't right. I've had terrible stomach and abdominal pains for almost 4 days now. It hurts to eat and it hurts more when my bladder is full (a problem for the transfer). The RE said it was most likely the doxycycline that I'm taking, so I should stop that and call them back if it doesn't improve or is worse by tomorrow.

Day 1 fertility report!

2010-10-15T08:23:00.000-04:00

Are you ready???

We have......17 embryos!!!!!

R and I had both been hoping for that many, so we are very happy! Our next report will be on Sunday and the final report will be Tuesday morning before our transfer. We are hoping at least 7 make it to freeze. We will wait until the final fertility report to decide how many to transfer, but assuming everything is good we will transfer one.

Also, R gave me my first PIO shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. I lay on a heating pad for about 5 minutes beforehand and again after. I can't even feel a lump now. Hopefully they are all like that.

21 eggs!!!

2010-10-14T15:28:00.000-04:00

We are so happy with that number!

I wasn't nervous going in to the office, but once I got there and they took me back to the IVF rooms (never been back there before) I got nervous. Of course as soon as I went back they wheeled the patient before me past, looking miserable. Then they stuck us in this creepy rather bare room with chair, a locked medical storage cabinet, some other built supply cabinets like normal offices, and what I will call the horror movie chair. It had the same teal cushions as all the exam tables, but it was like a sawed off dentists chair with foot stir-ups.. And nothing around it but a small light. I can only assume that is the transfer room.

So the nurse moved me to another area to check my vitals and get me changed. I briefly met with my RE, which made me feel better because I didn't know which RE would be doing the retrieval, but she has been in there several times before so I was more comfortable knowing it would be her. I also met the anesthesiologist, whom I told about my very high tolerance for all pain meds and anesthesia (can you see where this is going?) Then they take me to another room, which was also semi-creepy because it did not look like any surgical procedure type room I've ever been. Oh, and there was a big sign outside the heavy door that said "Procedure Room" how vague and ominous is that? So at the far end of this room is the table, with braces for my legs. I get up on and lay down and the anesthesiologist starts trying to get the IV in.

You may remember that both my hands have bruises from failed b/w attempts. The larger of these is on my left hand, which is, of course, where he started. It was extremely painful when he put the needle in, and I was gripping the nurses hand and staring at the ceiling trying not to burst into tears (partly from the pain and partly because of nerves). Finally it felt better...I glanced down at my hand and...no IV! Instead there is bloody gauze pad taped to my hand and the anesthesiologist is muttering and moving around to my right side. So I had to go through that painful crap again. He did have success with my right hand and everyone said I'd be getting a nice "cocktail" soon and wouldn't feel a thing. Um, wrong.

My RE walked in shortly after the IV was in place, took one look at my hands and sympathetically said "you called it" (I had expressed concern to her earlier about that). She also said I'd be feeling fine in no time. She had told me earlier that I'd probably feel some of the beginning stuff such as the fluid for the abdominal ultrasound, so I didn't think too much of it when I could feel the speculum go in. At this point I was getting some drugs, which just made me feel more relaxed and semi-dizzy. Shortly after the speculum was in, I began to feel sharp pinching pains, which I realized was the needle retrieving my eggs. Mind you, my RE specifically reassured me that I'd be semi-awake but feel NO PAIN. Yeah, it wasn't jump off the table awful, but it felt like being stuck with a bloodwork needle on the inside. When I said (or perhaps mumbled something incoherent) that I could feel the needle, my RE said "we are almost done". After that they must have upped my meds, because I do not remember being wheeled out into the recovery area.

Afterword I was just really tired and dizzy. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain, but I felt pretty bloated. Right now it just feels like horrible intestinal pains, which, in all honestly, is actually what some of it is.

Tomorrow we will get our first fertility report!

Trigger wasn't that bad

2010-10-13T09:08:00.000-04:00

At 8:40 last night I started mixing everything up. The Novarel powder took longer to dissolve than the Bravelle did. Gentle twisting on a flat surface did not do the trick, I ended up having the raise the vial to the light and turn gently side to side to get the last of the powder off the bottom. R did the injection. I stood in our kitchen leaning slightly against a bar stool and we counted to 3. On 3 the needle was in and I thought, oh that wasn't bad at all. After the injection it did get a little sore, and it turns out R forgot to check for blood before injecting, so that could be why. It feels like a mild bruise below the injection site today but it really isn't as bad as I expected. I imagine that once I have a whole bunch of PIO injections it will be worse, but I am very relieved the needle didn't hurt.

Less than 24 hrs until egg retrieval!!

Triggering tonight!!

2010-10-12T14:42:00.000-04:00

I had follie check #7 today. I have 9 follies on the right and at least 10 on the left. My E2 was 2400 so I am triggering tonight at 8:45pm and we will be back in the office Thursday morning for our egg retrieval!! I am so excited to be moving to the next step!

almost there, check #6

2010-10-11T09:31:00.001-04:00

I was with one of the nurses I really like this morning, so I told her the mixed responses I had over the weekend and she said she'd see if she could really give a better idea of where we are. My lining looks good, I didn't see the number, but I could see it looked better on the screen. My left ovary looks huge, I'm still amazed I feel mostly okay. The biggest follie was 17x20, and the right ovary had a 17 too. Of course it will depend on my b/w results, but the nurse said I'd trigger Wednesday at the very latest, most likely tomorrow and a very slight chance of tonight if my E2 has shot up too high. I did ask about how many follicles looked mature enough to get an egg, and she said today there would be between 15-20. I have 12 on the left and 9 on the right. I'd guess all 9 on the right will be mature enough, and 2 or 3 on the left that won't make the cut off by tomorrow.

I have learned the hard way that diet really matters during stims. I figured it would, so I've basically stuck to Phase 1 & 2 of the South Beach diet so far (mostly phase 1). This past weekend I had a 30th birthday party, a baby shower and then ended up getting stuck going out to eat while shopping with a friend. I've gained 4lbs of bloat since yesterday morning, so I will not be eating french fries again any time soon.

***********
My E2 is up to 2072, keeping my meds the same and going back in tomorrow.

"not quite there" check #5

2010-10-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

Today was a little better u/s wise. It was the same RE but she measured my lining in a different spot today at 8.2, so at least somewhere in there it is thicker. She said everything was growing, but I was not quite there. Unluckily, when the nurse called back, not quite there means several more days. My E2 is up to 1434. I am feeling pretty good, but I do not know how I'll make it through 3+ more days of bloodwork. Yesterday the tech stuck me in my left arm and lost the vein, so she had to poke around a find it again. It was still bleeding when I tried to take the gauze off 3 hours later. So today she tried the right arm today and couldn't get the vein at all. Then she stuck my left hand (remember the right hand still has a bruise from a blown vein on Wed) and I swear she hit the bone. I started tearing up and almost full out crying in the chair. She had to get another tech to come look and they finally got blood from the same vein as yesterday.

4th follie check

2010-10-09T10:06:00.002-04:00

Today was my 4th follie check and I saw one of the 4 REs (usually it is a nurse). This one is known for being blunt, so I guess I got a reality check of sorts. She measured my lining which was only 6.2 and that was fine because I was probably still early. So I guess that 7.3 was just a fluke. I feel like we are no better off than before now. Then she looked at my right ovary and asked if this was my first time back for monitoring!! It sounded like she didn't think I'd even made a weeks worth of monitoring progress. There was a huge back up in the office today, about 13 people were waiting when we got there. Needless to say, she didn't bother to count the follies, only agreed with prior numbers. I could see that the Ganirelix had kept the biggest one at 15, so hopefully we won't lose that one because it is too big after trigger . I am so depressed about my lining though, it is no thicker than it was for my IUIs and I've heard "it will thicken up later on" too many times to believe anymore. So it looks like I have several more days of stims, maybe more. I did ask if Wednesday was the earliest I would trigger and she said probably.

*******
My E2 is up to 1102, so we are slowly getting there. I go back in tomorrow.

Follie check #3

2010-10-08T09:33:00.001-04:00

After 8 days of stims, I have about 7 follicles on the right and 10-12 on the left. I had some 10s, a few 12s, a 13 and the biggest at 15. I doubt I'll get to be average and only stim for 10 days. Boo. The nurse I don't care for did the u/s and measured my lining at only 6.3, but I don't think that was right. Hopefully a nurse I like better calls back with my b/w results so I can ask if they have an idea of when I might trigger. I didn't feel like asking the nurse there.

********
My E2 is at 701 and I go back in tomorrow.

Started the Ganirelix

2010-10-07T09:39:00.000-04:00

So I am now giving myself 3 (sometimes 4 when I have to switch Follistim cartridges) shots a night now. I figure it will all be pretty much downhill from here as far as comfort level goes. The shots themselves don't hurt much more than the Bravelle unless I hit a vein, in which case it burns immediately and I find a new spot. I've come to realize though, that all 3 burn like bitch for 20-some minutes after, and I know at least the HCG and Follistim hurt even worse if the injection sites are close together. So I am injecting one shot each on the left and right of my belly button, and the HCG below it, in hopes of spreading out the pain.

General discomfort has really started too. I don't eat much in one sitting because my belly area feels full at all times, so I only eat enough to not be hungry and I try to eat small snacks throughout the day so I'm not depriving myself of needed nutrition. If I walk to quickly or move around too much my ovaries start whining in protest. It sort of feels like ovulation pains, not quite as sharp, but the persistence makes it just as bad. Remember those commercials with the talking stain? It's kind of like that, only inside my head. I'll be in the office trying to talk to a vendor all I get is "blah, blah blah, blah...you wish you could focus on the convo, but all you can think about is meeee!" from my ovaries. I really, really hope I can trigger by Tuesday, because I don't know how I'll make it through another whole week of this.

follie check #2

2010-10-06T09:33:00.000-04:00

This will be short because it hurts to type. The lab tech couldn't find a vein in either arm so she went with my hand. The vein blew as soon as she stuck the needle in so now I have a big bruise that hurts like a bitch every time I move my hand.

Everything looks good, righty has about 6 follies with the biggest about 9, and lefty is the rockstar with at least 10 follies, several around 8/9 and the biggest at 10. My lining was 7.2ish so that is also right on track. I am starting to get a little uncomfortable now, but no bloat weight gain yet. The nurse said I will probably start the Ganirelix tonight, so I will really start to feel things in the next few days.

First follie check!

2010-10-04T09:53:00.001-04:00

My first of many monitoring appointments was this morning. If you've followed my blog from the beginning, you are probably already bracing yourself for bad news, because in general, my early monitoring results tend to suck, especially my lining. I went in prepared to find that my lining was so thin that my uterus had sealed itself shut and closed for business permanently. Surprisingly, this time, the nurses were actually right and in 3 short days it went from 4.8 (before heavy AF) to a normal 5.8. Lets hope that trend continues. My right ovary didn't seem to have a whole lot going on, but I could see a few small black dots, which the nurse counted to about 5-8 follicles. My left was doing a little better, with 8-10 follicles, the biggest 2 at 8 and 6. No idea how good this is, but I am pretty happy with it. So far I am feeling pretty good. AF was a beast of course, but I have lost about 6lbs of water weight since stopping BCPs. Have I said how much I hate those things? The follistim pen takes a little getting used to, and the first 2 nights of stims left me with some tiny bruises, but they don't really hurt.

*******
The nurse called back, my E2 level is 182...so I get tomorrow off and go back in Wednesday.